Everybody's Fool
I Wear the Mask
I sat in the bathtub with my knees pulled up to my chest. I stared at the pink tile wall blankly. I couldn't get a grip on my thoughts, so my mind seemed empty. I jumped when my phone rang in another room. I didn't bother moving because I figured it wasn't anyone important.
I hunched my back so that I could rest my head on my knees. I winced at the pain in my right when it rubbed against my knee. I had begun to doze off when I heard my name being called. I listened intently, but I didn't hear anything. I must've been imagining things; I was in the house alone. I was always in the house alone lately.
I heard my name again and decided to get out of the tub. The water had been cold for a while anyway. I wrapped a towel around my body and went into my room. I went to stand in front of a large mirror in my room and examined myself. I hadn't removed my makeup and I couldn't help thinking about how pretty I was.
I burst into tears when that thought passed through my head. I crawled into my bed with nothing but a towel on, and I cried into my pillow.
At this moment, I didn't want to see me. I didn't want to see myself cry.That was pretty much impossible because of the mirrors. They were everywhere in my room. If I sat up in bed and looked straight ahead, I would be looking at my reflection. If I turned in the opposite direction I would still be looking at myself. Just turning to the sides, even, I'd be looking directly into my face.
I was unavoidable. It was time to face the music.
I crawled out of bed and stood in front of my vanity. What a perfect name for this piece of furniture. I scoffed as I stared into my eyes; they were red and the dark circles under them were more discernible than usual. I feel like this is really my most unattractive state. Also, I don't like to show how weak I really am so I don't like crying whether it be in front of people or while I'm alone in my room.
How did I get here? I smiled for everyone and in return I would get endless boatloads of compliments. I didn't really want them, did I? What did I gain from them?
You're so pretty!
Your dimple is so cute!
You have beautiful teeth!
You have cute lips.
Hair Hair. Hair.
I love your smile!
Your skin is so soft!
You're so perfect. Like a mannequin.
I'd absorbed those compliments and I spent years staring at myself in the mirror trying to see what they saw. I'm not sure how it happened, but I did notice one day that I was attractive. I worked hard to stay that way and it pleased me to recieve such nice words. However, I realized that I wasn't doing this for me; I was doing this for all of them. I was not myself, but I was a girl for the people.
I don't know what it was that made that thought click in my mind, but I know it happened while I was looking at myself in the mirror. I had just been staring at myself in the mirror like I normally do when somewhere in the back of my mind someone said, "This isn't you." The honesty of the statement stuck. This isn't you. This isn't you. This isn't you. This wasn't me.
I removed the shiny, silver bracelet from my wrist along with the rest of my jewelry. I pushed my hair back and removed the remaining makeup from my face. I stopped smiling that fake smile. I might not've been able to recognize myself before but it was what I was used to facing. This person I looked at now was a complete stranger and I began to cry again. Even when I removed my people pleasing mask I still wasn't looking at myself.
Why is my reflection someone I don't know?
Had I really been hiding for so long? I'd made it pretty easy with all the alter egos. I never had to be myself and each one of them made a different group of people or a different type of person happy! Why would I want to take that happiness away from them? I'd give them what they wanted instead of the truth. They wouldn't have been able to handle the truth.
I laughed at the reality of things. These people thought they actually knew me. They thought that because all I showed them was this sweet little princess there was nothing else behind me. They didn't know the half of it. If they actually knew, all they would do is pity me. Tell me how sorry they were.
I didn't want to hear that . If you can't help me, if you can't give me what I want, keep your damned mouth closed and don't let me hear another word from you.
I sighed at my reflection. I always got angry too easily. My eyes burned again and the tears flowed freely. Did I even know why I was crying? Probably not. For someone who already knows all my problems, I'm surely of no help.
That must be something everyone knows since they stopped coming to me. Some never even really came to me. There was always someone else to confide in. I scoffed at my own stupidity. It was my own fault for believing that people trusted me. Love apparently didn't equal to trust if that lover was going to someone else with their problems.
I slapped myself and looked at the red mark forming on my face. I sighed and looked down at all the beauty products in front of me. I began to reapply my public face; I had a date soon. I didn't want to disappoint him. After all my makeup was back on, I plastered on that fake smile that I wore so well.
I was complete.
Completely beautiful.
Completely perfect.
Completely fake.
Completely hidden.
I am Park Bom, and I am everybody's fool. This is the way things will always be as long as I wear the mask.
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