The sky finally turned its light out, making the small stars appear and so as the moon. I weakly smiled and winced as I sat alone on the rooftop area of our house. It was nice and peaceful, this thing became a habit of mine, and the feeling of being alone suits me better than mingling with the happy people inside the house.

I hugged my knees to rest my head on them, a sudden surge of pain once again made me wince. I placed my hand on my clothed abdomen and winced again. I was kicked, bullied, harassed, punched, treated like an animal, I was pathetic, I didn’t even fight back, not a single time, I just let them do their evil deeds on me and wish that they will get tired of it and leave me alone.

I smiled as I stare at the passing lights coming from the cars below me. That sight eased my heart, the still silence became a very beautiful tune for me, despite not hearing anything but soft blows of wind, at least no one will judge me, no one will pity me, and no one will do something to me.

I was bullied once again in my school, they all said that I’m ugly, that I look like an alien and my face doesn’t suit the school, that I only disgrace the name of it because of my ugliness. I am also not that smart, I am pretty dumb; I can read yes, I can count yes, but ask me more complicated things, and I will only answer you with a stupefied smile.

 I grabbed the end of my jacket and pulled it closer to me because I can feel now the coldness of the winds of the night, even though I am wearing a thick shirt inside my jacket, I can still feel the coldness … the coldness of weather, Or the cold fact that I know that no one cares about me? I don’t know, or I don’t even know the difference between those two, all I know is that I’m here, sitting alone, feeling the coldness of something I can neither explain nor express.

Is it better for me to just disappear? Maybe I can jump right now to end everything. That thought crossed my mind, then all of a sudden I stopped thinking that because I know that I might trouble my parents since paying for the caskets and other funeral service requires tons of money. I shook my head completely shaking the thought of jumping off of the rooftop.

I looked up again and stared at the white pale moon above me. The stars are shining leisurely, those things above doesn’t seem to have a problem at all, I’m so jealous … if only I was created as a star and not as a human, will I at least wouldn’t feel this kind of feeling? Will I be saved from the pain I am experiencing right now?

I smiled despite the pain inside my body. I was literally shouting my lungs out inside my mind, I want to destroy things, I want revenge to the guys that did nothing but to wasted their time bullying me, I want to shout at my parents who did nothing but to ignore me, their only child. But I know I can’t do that, I know don’t have the courage to even step up for myself, I’m just a coward hypocrite that wears a smiling mask whenever I go out.

I want someone to understand me, someone who can really know my feelings without me even muttering a single word about it. I want a friend … a real friend. I have friends in my school, they always say how nice I am, how gentle I am, how generous I am … but they will only say these kinds of things if I said that I have enough money to treat them somewhere, or whenever they want to borrow my assignment and notes. I sighed for the nth time as I stare blankly at the dark sky. I am not that smart, but I’m not lazy, and my notes are quite understandable, but … whenever I can’t give those things to them, they will turn their backs at me … and avoid me, and worse, they even join the bullies that causes new bruises each passing day.

I raised my hand and pulled the sleeve. I saw my huge bruise there that part of my skin had already turned into a bluish or violet colored mess. I ran my finger on it and it’s the worst decision I ever made, I gasped at the sudden struck of pain. Tears finally fell from my smiling mask, I touched my damped cheeks then laughed softly. “…. Are you okay?” A voice in front of me suddenly intruded my solitude.

I raised my head and my eyes instantly blinked furiously, she has wings and her face is really angelic. Am I crazy? An angel landed in front of me and was comforting me? I furiously rubbed my eyes and opened it again, and there the image disappeared. Nothing was left there, only darkness. I smiled; I don’t even know why I’m smiling, maybe because at least I’m sure that I am not crazy.

Loneliness once again written its curse all over my heart, the pain, the hatred, the anger, the fear everything came back again leaving me with only a meager amount of reason to live.

They want me dead right? I asked myself, and after that, I suddenly heard my classmates laughter, they are all around me, surrounding me while their pointing their fingers at me. I looked up and saw them, I really did. Their evil grins are present, the bullies are also with them, with nailed bats currently resting on their shoulder. I don’t know why, but I laughed with them, I laughed with them thinking that by doing that I can at least escape the reality and the fact that I’m not the reason why their laughing.

Then the laughter stopped, they all disappeared into some white puff of smoke, I thought the angel from earlier saved me, but to my disappointment she did not. The white smoke turned to something else. A few seconds ago it was my classmates, and now it’s my parents. I smiled because for the first time I can see their smiles, I stood up and walked towards them, not even realizing that I’m already walking to the edges of the rooftop. I stopped just an inch away from my end. I raised my head and saw my parents gesturing for me to take a step more. I smiled at them, my parents finally gave me an ounce of their precious attention, having that thought inside my mind completely made me forget everything, especially the thought that they want me dead.

I’m about to jump now but then a hand grabbed my wrist. I jerked back and saw the same girl, her wings disappeared, maybe hidden but her face is still the same, but now it was full of concern and emotions not like the angel that appeared in front of me. “W-who are you?” I asked, my voice was shaking, I also stuttered.

She did not answer my question. My parent’s voice suddenly echoed in front of me, I turned to them and saw that they are encouraging me again to take my final step, the step that leads me to my end. I slowly nodded, still smiling. The hand tightened its grip, I winced at the sudden pressure, I turned around and it’s still her.

Is she the one who will save me from this kind of feeling? Will she be the first true friend I will ever have? My hopes shot up like a rocket, my heart beat happily for the first time. The thought of having a new friend literally gave me a reason to continue living, which made me smile, now genuine and pure.

I decided that I will never do this again. I smiled and was about to hop back from the safe side of the rooftop but then everything suddenly changed and turned upside down. The hand that I thought was protecting me suddenly pushed me towards the mouth of hell. Everything went slow motion. The moment I was falling I turned and saw the girl, grinning … smirking and laughing at the pathetic situation she just placed me.

I thought that she will save me … I thought that she will be the one who will take these disgusting feelings inside me, she gave me hope, she gave me the ability to trust again … only to break me more. Why did I believe her sweet gestures? Why did I believe that she will really save me? Why did I even develop a tint of hope from her?

I felt myself flying … or maybe falling towards the ground, the angel’s white wings slowly turned into a mess of black feathers, she is not an angel that I wished to save me … she’s the angel that I asked to kill me. Despite the angelic features she had, she’s very rotten inside, covering it with the beautiful and gentle front she has.

I laughed hysterically as I fall, numbness slowly crawled slowly inside my body, is this the feeling of someone who is about to die? I laughed again, yes … this is the thing that I want, I want to die … that’s my last wish.

I felt the hard impact on my head and so as my bones. I felt the unbearable pain for a split second before fading inside the darkness that ate my consciousness. I’m finally dead … and will be forgotten by the ones that bullied me, the ones who ignored me … and especially the angel who betrayed me.

I am crazy for believing her lies, I am crazy for even wanting to live.

Yes … I’m the epitome of the word … Lunatic.

Author's note

I don't even know why i made this fanfic ... OTL and i know it because ... it was intently as a angst that will turn to some romance .. .but then it became suicidal and that .... OTL

please ... leave some comments ... about this mess ... OTL