I wrote about 3/4 of this about a month ago, but I now finally got the inspiration to finish it. Again, if you don't know yet, I'm currently on hiatus--well, sort of. I'm dealing with a bunch of personal issues and haven't got the time to really focus on kpop and asianfanfics. But whenever I get the time, like when I'm bored in class or when I'm procrastinating on homework (like right now), I will be sure to write. Please don't expect fast updates. I will try to do as much as I can. Only five-six more chapters left! Thank you for staying with me; I appreciate you! <3

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Minseok's admittance turned the page of a new chapter. Things were no longer the same in their circle of friends. Chats didn't obtain that light, care-free atmosphere anymore. Games were played with almost no competitive fiery. Joking around didn't feel right. Smiling didn't feel possible.

And the cause of all this felt the sudden shift.

Jongdae explained to him how Yixing stopped meeting with them during lunch and hardly glanced at anyone during class, music blasting from the earbuds never not tucked in. He was the only one who cut of all contact.

“Don't bother calling him.”

“Why?”

“We think he changed his number.”

Yifan and Zitao decided to put their relationship on hold for the time being, both agreeing that their friend's health mattered most at the moment than dating. They still secretly held hands when they thought no one was looking.

“Does Yifan still do those creepy love poems?”

“No, he acts pretty mature most of the time. Yifan has been practicing basketball a lot nowadays though. I haven't seen those two together in awhile.”

“Oh. What about Zitao? Is he okay with that?”

“He says he is. He does wushu a lot more now, after school and on the weekends.”

Jongdae told Minseok about Luhan and Kyungsoo becoming closer. They cooked on the weekends and had sleepovers on the weekends, talking about who knows what. He feels bad for Jongin who just tags along.

“So he still likes Kyungsoo?” Jongdae paused, thinking carefully and trying to distinguish the truth from what he believed. “He doesn't?”

“I don't know. Jongin doesn't talk much, now that I think about it. I think he's the quietest one among us.”

“Really? You're talking about our Kim Jongin, right?”

“Yes. I haven't heard his voice in awhile... But he still talks to Kyungsoo all the time.”

Minseok frowned, a little hurt. Their friends were all drifting apart, and it was because of him. His changes in turn changed them. He was supposed to the maturest; he was supposed to be their role model. Yixing left them, Yifan and Zitao broke up, and Jongin has gone mute. How could he let this happen?

“Why won't you come to school, hyung?” Jongdae flipped their mathbook closed and reached for their science handbook. Minseok doesn't reply for some time, and after the younger explained the lesson for that day, he answers, “Would it change anything?”

“Yeah! The others want you there.”

Minseok scribbled the next answer on his assignment as he thought about it. “It's different... We're different. What would we do if I came to school? Would we play around again? Or would they want to talk about... you know...”

“Is that why you don't want to go to school? You don't want to talk about yourself?” Minseok shrugged his shoulders, and his best friend sighed. “We need to talk about it, hyung. All of us are worried, and we can't keep them waiting. They just want to see you and know how you're doing. Please?”

“I don't know... I don't think I can handle being in school. I can't even deal with being home.” The older of the two pushed away their homework. As he stretched his arms, he suggested that they do something less stressful.

“We can help you. We want to.”

Minseok excused himself to grab a few snacks for Jongdae. “You must be hungry, huh? Going to school to learn and having to come here and teach me. It's like school all day.”

As he left the room, Jongdae said, “You can't hide forever, hyung. You can try all you want, but we'll come and find you. It's what friends do. When you feel lonely, think again. You have us. We only need your call.”

And in the middle of the night, with Jongdae sleeping soundly next to him, Minseok made a decision. It was his fault that their friends split. Now it's his responsibility to get them back together. He wasn't ready for school, but it doesn't mean he can't see his friends outside of school.

He turned around to face the other, watching him sleep. His eyes fall on his lips.

“Sleep,” Jongdae ordered, drowsily covering Minseok's eyes with his palm.

“I can't.”

“Why not?”

“I miss my friends.”

Jongdae's eyes opened slightly. He heaved another sigh and scooted closer to his hyung. “Still no school?” he asked, pulling the covers around them.

“No....”

“Okay then. I'll tell the others to come by here this weekend.”

“Thank you,” Minseok breathed, face buried in Jongdae's shoulder and the pillow. He linked his arms around the younger's waist.

“Sleep,” Jongdae repeated.

The next morning Jongdae uncurled himself from Minseok. He tucked him in before washing up and changing clothes. On the way to school he tried calling Yixing again, but received no answer. He met Yifan at the corner and they walked together, the latter wondering how Minseok was doing. Yifan promised to be at his house immediately. His steps quickened because well, Minseok finally wanted to see them.

“He wanted to see you guys for a long time.”

“Fine. Minseok hyung finally wants to talk to us. Better?” Jongdae pursed his lips. “What? Am I wrong?” Yifan elbowed him as they passed the school gates. “By the way, have you seen Zitao? He wasn't in class yesterday.”

“Uhh... I'm not sure. He didn't call you?”

“No.”

Jongdae reached up to pat Yifan's shoulder. “I'm sure he's fine. Probably caught the flu or something.”

“He should have told me.”

“He doesn't have to,” Luhan disrupted, squeezing in between the two. “He just had a little fever, Yifan, sheesh. He's coming to school today. Stop worrying like you're his mom. That's my job.”

“Luhan.” Kyungsoo threw a rock at his back. “Yifan can worry about Zitao all he wants. He has a right to,” he scolded. Jongdae and Yifan swivel around to see Kyungsoo and Jongin walking behind them. They share a look. When did they get here?

“Last time I checked, my baby doesn't have a boyfriend.”

“We went over this last week,” Yifan groaned. “Besides, did you tell them yet, Jongdae?”

“Tell us what?” Kyungsoo tugged Jongin forward so they were walking in a line. “Is Minseok hyung coming back to school?” Jongin lightly rapped the top of the short male's head. He then leaned in to whisper something in his ear, and Kyungsoo's eyes widened. “Nevermind, that was a stupid question. He would be here right now.”

Jongdae grinned and threw his arm around Kyungsoo's and Luhan's shoulders. “Hyung wants us to come to his house this weekend.”

Feet stumbled over nothing, and alarmed eyes shot in his direction. “A-All of us?” Kyungsoo slowly elaborated. Jongdae nodded. “What about Yixing? He won't talk to us.”

“He won't talk to anyone,” Luhan scoffed. “Don't worry about that idiot, I'll convince him.”

So that's how Friday night, when Mrs. Kim is slipping on her work heels, the doorbell rings and six boys awkwardly shuffle in. “It's been awhile since I've seen all of you boys here together,” Mrs. Kim smiles. “I'll be back Monday evening, but that doesn't mean you can throw a party, alright? I don't want any calls from the neighbors or the police,” she adds sternly.

“Still, have fun. You boys look like you need a little break,” her eyes soften as she takes in their appearances. Luhan is the only one smiling, separating Zitao and Yifan who keep glancing at each other. Kyungsoo and Jongin are holding hands. And Yixing is just standing in the back, staring at his feet as they were the most interesting thing in the room. Mrs. Kim pats their shoulders as she wriggles around them to leave. “Help yourself to dinner. I made a lot.”

Jongdae descends from the stairs as the door closes. “Hey, guys! Are you hungry? We just finished homework and were about to come down and eat.” Behind him, Minseok hides in his shadow.

Luhan is the first to come forward and envelopes Minseok in a bone-crushing hug. There's hardly anything for him to hold except layers of clothing. Although their hyung tries to cover up his physical changes with large sweaters and sweats, he unknowingly makes them more apparent. “H-hey, Luhan. Did you miss me?”

“Are you kidding me? Of course!” Luhan hugs him even tighter, tears springing to his eyes because there's really nothing left for him to hold. He's gripping on his own elbows, crushing this skeleton, but it still feels like nothing in his arms. “Did you think we forgot about our favorite hyung?”

They pull apart, and Luhan turns his cheek to hide his tears. He wipes them discreetly and gestures for the others to greet him. Everyone except Yixing steps forward. The Chinese male stays in the doorway, still focused on his socks.

“Yah, are you two dating?” Minseok teases when Jongin doesn't let go of Kyungsoo's hand as the latter wraps one arm awkwardly around him. “Can't I give Kyungsoo a real hug?” A small smile tugs on Jongin's lips, and he finally lets go.

“Minseok hyung...” Kyungsoo lower lip trembles. “You idiot,” he sniffles, laughing through his tears. He lightly punches the older's chest. “That's for making me worried.”

“I know, I'm sorry. I really am, you guys. Thank you for coming.” Minseok grins at his friends. He swallows the growing lump in his throat at their forlorn expressions, red noses and irritated eyes. “Why are you all crying? I'm here, aren't I? We're all together, aren't we?” He pulls everyone into a group hug, mocking their sniffling.

“I didn't forget you either, Yixing! C'mere, and stop being a stubborn brat.” Minseok holds out one arm and waits.

Yixing bites the inside of his cheek as he drags his feet towards them and lays his head on his hyung's shoulder. “I'm still mad at you, you know.”

They all chuckle. Minseok rubs his arm and nods. “I know. I'm sorry. You have every right to be. But you can't walk out on us. We'll find a way to drag you back.”

“Yeah, you're stuck with us now, Yixing,” Luhan smirks. “You don't have to say 'hi' in the hallways; I'll just shout across the classrooms.” His smirk deepens.

“Alright, alright. Can we all stop crying and eat something? We're like little girls...” Yifan blinks away his last tears and herds them all into Minseok's kitchen. The smell of fresh eggs and bubbling broth sends vibrations through their stomachs.

After dinner and after scavenging for extra blankets and pillows, the eight boys decide to camp out in Minseok's living room. Kyungsoo and Luhan bicker over which movie to watch, and Yifan and Zitao sit stiffly next to each other.

Minseok raises his eyebrow at Yixing, who is adamant on sitting, his back as straight as possible, far away from their mountain of blankets, and he rolls his eyes. “What are you doing, Yixing? Come closer. We're watching a movie with all of us happy and no drama.” He pats the space next to him.

Yixing wrinkles his nose, but does as he is told. “I'm still....”

“Mad at me. Yes, I know.” Minseok shoves a bucket of popcorn in the Chinese male's lap. “But I don't care. We're friends and we're going to stay friends whether you like it or not. So relax and enjoy the movie.”

Jongdae squeezes between Zitao and Minseok as he winks at their startled friend. “I told you he hasn't changed.”

Yixing pops a few popcorn in his mouth and bitterly chuckles, “Except the fact that he looks anorexic.” Minseok freezes.

“What did you just say?” Jongdae growls, sitting up. Yixing continues eating and fixes his eyes on the television screen. “You heard what I said.”

“Jongdae...” Minseok murmurs, tugging on the younger's shirt. “It's okay.”

“It's not okay!” he cries, fixing daggers at the oblivious Chinese male. “Yixing, I get that you're mad, but I don't think it was Minseok's choice to let this happen. It just happened and he couldn't stop it.”

“Did he even want to?”

Jongdae coils his fists and lets out a sound of frustration. “I could just punch you right now, for how stupid you're acting. Do you care about Minseok hyung or not? Because right now it seems as if you don't, and if you don't then I suggest you get out. Don't forget, Yixing, you're not the one in need of help at the moment.

“Minseok hyung just wanted to get together with his friends and have a fun weekend. He knows everything's changed, and he wants to get things back to the way they were. You're not helping.”

“Jongdae, you don't have to yell at him.” Minseok says, pulling him down by his wrist. He turns to Yixing. “I get that you're all stressed about this... and I'm sorry for troubling you guys.”

“You're not,” Luhan insists. “We want to be here.”

“Thank you, but I want you all to know that... I...” He scratches the back of his neck. “This is a little hard to say, but I really can't... stop.”

“Stop what? Starving yourself? Killing yourself?” Yixing returns his gaze, eyes hard. Minseok can see the layers of walls he's put up.

“Well, to be honest, yes.” The other's adam's apple bobs up and down. “Like I said, it's hard to just come out and say it.... But I'm still working on it. My body tells me one thing, and my mind tells me another. I'm so used to following the stronger one.”

“And the stronger one is telling you to do this to yourself?” Yixing's voice breaks near the end. He blinks profusely, each one holding tears, until it's raining.

For the first time, Minseok feels anger bubbling at the pit of his stomach. He saw this coming. The backlashes... the unnecessary lectures... their expressions as their eyes raked over his new body.... He knows already. He knows that what he's doing is wrong, but he can't stop. Jongdae may have taped up all the mirrors (because they “triggered” him), but it doesn't hide the fact that he's still repulsive.

It's not enough, the air whispers. You're still fat.

And he believes them. So what if he lost ten pounds (or more)? He's still the same Minseok as before, and that's what he doesn't want. The space between his thighs isn't enough. His visible ribcage isn't enough. His jutting hipbones, his sharp jawline, his bony fingers aren't enough.

The monster wants more.

And the monster is the one in charge.

No, Minseok lost those rights a long time ago. The moment he looked in the mirror and stepped on a scale, he gave up his soul. There's no going back. The past is the past. And in the present, Minseok is no different than his past self. A little weight doesn't change much. If he eats, he'll just gain it all back.

So what is the point?

What is the point of losing weight if you'll eat it all back again?

They tell you to shed a few pounds, and then they tell you to eat more. “Get off the couch and go for a run,” and then, “Go eat a sandwich. You need some meat on those bones.” So which is it? What do they want from him?

them, Minseok thinks. all of them. It's not what they want. It's what he wants. And yeah, sure, their words did affect him, did attribute to his desire to change. He's not going to lie. One reason to lose weight is to shove it in their faces and laugh because look at him now, he's not so fat anymore, is he? But Minseok isn't satisfied with just that. No, it's not enough. He wants something else. He wants more.

The two fighting over movies agree on a comedy and ram it in the dvd player. “Okay, the movie's starting. Pass me the popcorn, Yifan. Don't keep it all to yourself.” Luhan snags it out of the taller male's hands. He offers some to Jongdae and Minseok. Jongdae helps himself to two handfuls, his irritation slowly dying down.

Minseok shakes his head. “No, thanks. I'm not hungry.”

Yixing scoffs. He switches places with Kyungsoo. “When are you ever?” he mumbles, sliding next to Jongin. The younger places a hand on his shoulder. “What?” Yixing asks, voice rising. “Why am I the bad guy for speaking my thoughts? For speaking the truth? You're no different from him, Jongin. He doesn't eat, and you don't talk.”

“Yixing, that is enough.” Luhan's cold voice cuts through the tension. “Shut the up, and watch the movie. I don't want to hear another word from you.”

During the movie, which really turns out to be laugh-out-loud funny, sobs are covered by laughter. Smiles hide tears. The darkness and flickering of the television screen mask the sounds of their hearts breaking. They sleep curled against each other but fearing each other's touch as well. Are they really sleeping? Or are they just lying here with their eyes closed, listening to each other pretend to sleep?

Minseok realizes that the quietness is too stuffy, to throat-constricting. He wants to speak out, he wants to breathe. He finds Jongdae's hands under the fabrics.

The chains are rusting.

Can he win over himself?

The next morning, they sit around the coffee table and wait while Kyungsoo prepares breakfast. Despite knocking out during the second half of the movie, everyone's eyes are puffy and red. Each have their own style of bedhair, which is sort of amusing. Minseok wants to laugh at all of them, but he's scared of what they'll say.

Will they want to ignore last night? Or will they want to talk about it?

Because everyone is watching him, Minseok accepts the bowl of rice. The brown speckles don't make a difference. They're still calories, calories he doesn't need. “Jesus, why are you sitting so far, hyung? Sit over here,” Jongdae wraps his fingers loosely around his wrist, ignoring how tiny it is. His fingers overlap, rough against the smooth, cold skin.

“Are you cold?”

“Yeah, a little. Is the air conditioner on?” He takes his time to lay out his eating utensils. Most of them have already started eating. In the middle of the coffee table is a big platter of his mom's usual assorted meats. Surrounding it are little plates of side dishes. To his farthest left is a boiling pot of soup.

The sounds of silverware against porcelain, chewing, slurping, scraping, and people rustling make his appetite disappear. A headache begins to ring throughout his skull, but he doesn't say a word. His spoon is still in midair, a few centimeters from his bowl of rice.

“What's wrong?” Jongdae asks around a mouthful of food. Minseok's stomach lurches. He wants to hurl. “Hey,” Jongdae says after swallowing. He puts down his bowl and scoots closer to him. “Are you okay? You look pale. Are you feeling sick?”

The older glances around the room, taking in how everyone was watching them now. The noise pauses. Slowly, as seconds tick by, the headache slips away. “I'm fine. I mean, I'm better now. Go ahead and eat.”

He fills just the tip of his spoon with rice and dips it into the spicy broth. Soup is good. It's a liquid. And since it's spicy, it'll speed up his metabolism. He continues to eat like this, every now and then picking cubes of tofu to satisfy Jongdae's urging.

“That's all you're eating?” Kyungsoo asks, staring at Minseok's half empty bowl. The latter weakly nods. His stomach is full. He already ate more than he has in a week. The poor organ is stretching itself to accommodate the sudden amount of food.

“For now,” he reassures the young cook. “I'm not used to eating a regular meal.”

It is silent for the remaining time of breakfast. It is silent as they put the dishes away and clear up the living room. It is still silent when they gather in a circle on the floor, too afraid to speak.

“Why don't we play some video games?” Zitao suggests.

“Or we can go play board games!” Kyungsoo's smile falls when they give him the are-you-kidding-me look. “What? Only two people can play video games at a time. This way, we can all play together.”

“Another movie?” Luhan asks.

“Why don't we talk?” Yixing rather says, than asks. “About last night.”

“Yixing.”

“What? I wanted to apologize. I was being a jerk, Minseok hyung. I shouldn't have said some of those things.” Minseok quitely accepts his apology. “But I still think we deserve answers. If you need time, yeah, have all the time you want. But we can't help you if we don't know what's wrong.”

“Isn't it obvious?” Minseok gestures at his own body.

“What is? Tell me what you think is so obvious, because I have no idea what I'm looking at.”

Minseok's nostrils flare. It was so typical of Yixing to be clueless! “Me! Look at me, Yixing! I went from a village of fat to a sack of bones! I can't stop not eating. It disgusts me, the thought of food. I feel sick being around it. I don't want to gain weight. I don't want to be fat anymore!”

“So you starved yourself.”

“It's the only think that works! Exercising and eating healthy can only do so much. My muscles start becoming larger, adding more mass to my body. So instead of losing weight like I originally planned, I gained!”

Yixing shakes his head, glossy eyes still holding Minseok's. “Okay. Is that it? Is that all you did? Stop eating.”

Minseok looks away.

“There's more?” Jongdae's eyes widen in alarm. What did he miss? What else did Minseok not tell him? There couldn't possibly be more. Jongdae was with him the entire him. He witnessed Minseok not eat. Minseok could have done anything else! He was in plain sight the whole time!

“I threw up sometimes.” Minseok avoids contact with Jongdae. “At the beginning, when I first started restricting what I ate, I would lose control and eat everything in site. But then, I'd feel so fat and ugly, and I was so ashamed I made myself throw it all back up. Jongdae caught me once, and he made me promise not to do it again.

“But I broke that promise behind his back.”

“What?” Jongdae reaches out for his best friend, but he flinches away.

“If you guys weren't here, I would have thrown up what I ate earlier.”

“But you didn't even eat much,” Kyungsoo says, as if he can't believe it. It image of Minseok's head halfway down the toilet with his fingers down his throat, eyes squeezed shut, and a teardrop rolling down his check is burned under his eyelids.

“So you didn't eat, and when you did, you threw it all up.” Yixing's voice wavered as he says this out loud. Minseok nods. He wants to tell them more; he wants to tell them everything. It's on the tip of his tongue! “How much do you even weigh right now?”

“Can we stop right here?” Kris says, standing up. He turns his back towards them to wipe his eyes. The rest of them do the same, trying to take in the new information. It's different hearing it in real life, seeing their hyung break right in front of them. It's more powerful.

Several minutes pass while they clear their minds and erase traces of tears. Luhan puts on a movie and they spend the afternoon playing board games. Zitao and Yifan end up playing video games when no one pays attention the television screen.

Jongdae realizes that there's only three months left until summer. Summer is when Mrs. Kim agreed that Minseok would go to “rehabilitation”. There's not much time left, but there's so much they need to do.

Can he save his best friend in time?