Today. I will never, no NEVER, forget today. My heart hurts just thinking about it…

  .  .  .

 I had been drinking. Upset and not thinking clearly, I stumbled myself over to your house, a few blocks down. I knocked, and you answered the door, giving me a look of pure disgust, which then subsided into something else. Anguish? Fear? Sadness?Worry?

 I disregarded this, and pushed over the threshold, diving for you. I clung to your arms, trying to hold on to as much of you as I could.

 “You’re real,” I sniffed.

“I’d begun to wonder if you were just a fading memory, a dream..”

 “Wha…Key..” you said.

 You tried to make me let go, but I just redoubled my efforts, clenching your shirt in my small hands. I held you as close as I could, smelling the gentle aroma of your hair. ( I could never quite place that scent- it was somewhere between flowers and fresh apples. It didn’t really matter exactly what it was, anyway, because to me, that would always be the scent of home.) I knew you were shocked. You weren’t even fighting me.

 But having you, real, in my arms, was a little too overwhelming. Suddenly more lucid, I felt pathetic. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes, but I let them fall. I didn’t care. As soon as I began to cry, I wanted to hide my weakness from you. Somewhat reluctant to let go of you, I sank to the floor in your hallway. Assuming the fetal position, I began to sob out all of my feelings and hurt, staring at the floor.

 “J-Jonghyun, I miss you. Why don’t you love me anymore? You-YOU said forever. You promised.”

 You just stared.

 “You apparently c-can’t live with the fact that I love you, but I can’t live without you. I-I don’t know what to do! I m-miss your voice, your smile, god dammit I even miss fighting with you!”

 I continued sobbing, drawing short, angry breaths in through my teeth. I could feel the hot tears making streaks down my face. Still looking at the ground, I heard you kneel down beside me, felt a pair of muscular arms wrap around my scrawny ones. I thought you were going to throw me out of your house. Silly me.

 I began to struggle and twist violently, breathing heavily, trying to avoid your grasp, still believing that you wanted me out. Of course, I failed to wrestle myself free. Giving up, I sat and cried, tears streaming silently down my cheeks. My breathing steadied some.

 “Key.” You said quietly, your voice causing me an internal meltdown. My insides felt like jelly. I was still staring at the hardwood floor.

 With one hand, you grabbed my wrists and held them in my lap. With the other, you put your hand to my cheek, slightly my hair, and forcing my head up to look at you. What I saw made my breath hitch.

 I was seeing into your eyes for the first time in ages. My heart was tearing apart with just one glace. I tried to look away, but you held me there.

 When I looked deeper into your eyes, I saw that your eyes had, like mine, lost their once vital sparkle. Staring, I noticed a glimmer in the depths of your creamy irises. Like a friendly wave from the ghost of your happiness.

 What I didn’t understand was why you were giving me such an intensely…tender look. You should have been wrenching yourself away from me, but…you weren’t.

 I tried to speak. “Do you still love me, hyung?”

 You took a minute to reply. “I’m not sure. I…maybe.”

 Hope sprang up in me, like cool water flooding my body.

 “Then…why?” You knew what I meant.

 You didn’t answer me. Instead, you picked up my limp body, carrying me to your car. I was silent, too emotionally broken to question anything-somewhat dazed.

 Maybe things can finally go back to way they were before, I thought through my exhaustion. Ha.

You then proceeded to push me gently into the passenger seat. You got into the car, too, and began to drive me home; one hand on the wheel and the other in mine. I sighed in satisfaction. While you were driving, you glanced at me now and then, with the strangest look on your face. I looked back at you, making sure you were real all the way back home. I felt that old sense of security trickling back into my heart- every word, every memory, every time you’d ever said “I love you” was coming back to me. I had you all to myself, and no one could take you away. HA.

 If I only knew.

You stopped in front of my house, and again carried me to my doorstep, setting me carefully down on the stoop. I looked up expectantly. You took a deep breath, then started to speak, your warm voice washing over me.

 “Kim Kibum. I still love you. I do. Like I said, forever.”

 It was my turn to stare. “Forever?”

 And then you made the biggest mistake that you have ever made:

 You kissed me.

 Soft, and caressing. A sweet one. Salty with tears, but filled with love.

 Then you pushed me away. “Yes.”

 I barely registered, scrambled as I was. “Are you lying?”

You kissed my forehead.

 “Goodbye, Kim Kibum. You won’t see me again.”

 “Bu-”

 I knew this was it. I could tell you really did mean it when you said you loved me. So why did you lie before? To make things easier for me? There was something you hadn’t told me. Something you had been hiding.

 I watched you walk away. I watched you walk out of my life, as quickly and silently as death.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Be proud! Update coming tomorrow too.

Probably not another one after that for a few days? 

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