Love Hurts

 

 

 

Jiyong walk endlessly down the shore, his eyes glued at the sea and he felt like it was mocking his conscience. He could hear the waves whispering its verdict that he is wrong, further crushing the guilt embedded in his soul.

 

 

He closed his eyes, blinking the salty liquid that is starting to form at the corner of his eyes. He cannot cry no more, for the sorrow he feels is too profound.

 

 

Too deep.

 

 

And the fact that he did this to himself, gave him no right to do so…and it was killing him, but even so, even if he showed no tears, his heart is silently crying, for her, for him and for their love.

 

 

He looked up and saw the scattered clouds partially dim the littered stars, tormenting the knowledge that he could never have again the love that he had and lost. He saw the crescent moon staring down at him with pity, reminding him of the warm and gentle smile on the face he know he could not find in anyone anymore.

 

 

Her smile, is like a sunshine than can brighten up ones day, a vitamin, an inspiration, a source of strength. Her smile can capture anyone hearts, and she captured his. He could still remember the very first time they met, he saw her roaming at the hallway of YG Entertainment, he was a trainee back then, her eyes with a sense of panic, and he knew, that she is lost.

 

 

“Hello…” It was the first word she said to him, he felt his heart jumps a bit hearing her soft gentle voice and she flashed him her signature bright smile, he knew that he is a goner, he is at her mercy.

 

 

It was love and first sight.

 

 

As impossible and as cheesy as it may sound, but at that moment, he’s decided that she will be his. But it’s not as easy as he thought it will be, his heart broke when he found out that she is in love with somebody else, and all he could ever be for her is a dongsaeng, yes, she is older than him, but he refused to call her noona, for one, he never saw her that way, for him, she is a child that he needs to take care of, to guide her and support her, a baby, his babygirl.

 

 

It was one of his darkest day when she left and go back to her old life, go back to the one she loves, he felt defeated, it was his lowest point, he can’t fight for her, for one, he is just an ordinary boy aiming to be a performer, a celebrity, an idol, and him…he’s a known actor in the country she grew up.

 

 

He let her go, and although his heart is breaking, he’s still happy, seeing that her smile is much brighter than he first met her, he knows that she is happy and that’s all that matters. He bade her goodbye with a tiny hope in his heart that one day she will come back to him, and that tiny hope, even if it was impossible, served as his drive to worked harder and persevere and he made it, together with the other trainees, they debuted as an idol, and soon became famous. Bigbang became a household name throughout South Korea.

 

 

And then she came back one day, his heart were crushed seeing her once lively eyes now staring at him with sorrow and pain, she came back with a broken heart…but he healed her. He became her life support, her mentor, her friend, her crying shoulder and soon became her lover.

 

 

The day she said yes to him, it was the happiest day of his life, he had won the battle, he won her heart, she was his and he was hers. They were happy, contented and he couldn’t asked for more.

 

 

He promised her that he will never hurt her, he swore he will never cheat on her and will always do everything he can to make her happy, he will never make her cry and will always be the reason behind her bright smile.

 

 

But he broke his promise. She lost her smile…

 

 

And it was because of him.

 

 

He turn his face away from that harsh reality, only to be greeted by a cold breeze that seemed like a blow to his already bruised self. Shivering, he pull his jacket tighter around him, forming a barricade that would keep him from the numbing agony creeping through his entire being.  In the battle between the conscience and the heart, he feared that it was him who gave the victory over to conscience. And now he must bear the guilt brought by his actions. He have come to accept that destiny for he know that it is what he deserve for hurting the one being that matters to him most.

 

 

“Who is she?”

 

 

Her pained voice echoed in his ears, he closed his eyes once more as flashes of events played in his mind.

 

 

 

He saw her standing behind him, with her eyes glued at the screen, he bit his lips and cursed inwardly, she wasn’t supposed to see it, minutes ago, he had received a call from the president about a scandal spreading like wildfire in the internet, it was his scandal, a photo of him with a known Japanese model, Kiko Mizuhara. She met the girl when Bigbang was in Japan, she’s a close friend of TOP but they clicked pretty well, they talked and he found out that they have a lot of things in common, they share the same interest and as he watched her closely, he soon finds her amusing, like a breathe of fresh air, carefree, wild, young and most of all she doesn’t give a damn about what other people will think of her, she does what she does, and she’s happy, she’s enjoying, fearless.

 

 

And everything that she has and everything that she is, he was lacking, he realized. And he wanted to feel it even for just one night. He befriended her, and soon, they became close, she became his constant companion whenever his in Japan, and he is happy, he’s enjoying her company, when he’s with her, he feels that he’s invincible, he’s carefree…and fearless, and it was a good feeling. Their relationship, is pure friendship, he told her he’s committed and she’s okay with it, she understand that all they ever be is just friends.

 

 

He’s not cheating on her, and he’s not doing anything wrong, his friendship with the model is innocent, and so he became careless, he forgot that in the eyes of the others, there is something between the two them, and soon the media had noticed them and was able to take a picture of them together.

 

 

G-dragon, leader of Bigbang is dating Japanese model Kiko Mizuhara

 

 

The news had reached his agency and now he’s standing face to face with the person he loves the most, his butterfly, the muse of his songs, Sandara Park. His heart broke seeing the pain in her eyes, and he wanted to kick himself for being careless, he had forgotten about her, he was too pre occupied of the freedom he’s feeling every time he is with Kiko.

 

 

He reached for her hand and looked at her with warm in his eyes “Baby…” He called her softly “Come here” He sat on the bed and he gently lead her to sit on his lap, and she silently obliged. “I’m sorry…” He said to her as he enclosed her petite body in his arms.

 

 

“A-Are y-you c-cheating o-on m-me?” She stuttered and his heart crushed once more sensing the panic in her voice and when he look at her, he saw fear in her eyes.

 

 

“Oh God, no , baby, don’t you ever think that…” He cooed her. He cupped her chin so he could clearly see her pretty face “Kiko is just a friend and nothing else, I’m not cheating on you and will never cheat on you, I love you too much baby…” Sensing her doubt, he leaned closer to her and he claimed her lips, kissing her gently, and he felt relief when she returned his kiss, and he knows he’s forgiven. “Do you still remember my promise to you?” He asked her and she nodded “I will keep it for as long as I live, do you trust me?”

 

 

“I trust you Jiyong…”

 

 

Trust…

 

 

He smiled bitterly. Because of what happened to her, she build a wall around herself and developed a difficulty to trust the people around her, like a defense mechanism, and he, he worked so hard to earn her trust and she rewarded him, she gave him all her trust and her heart.

 

 

But he broke it….

 

 

He was tired and battered. Scandal and controversies surrounded him. Harsh words were thrown at him, he is the axis of evil, as some says, people judged him mercilessly. Plagiarism, Indecent act, Case filed against him.

 

 

And he was sick and tired of them all. He’s a musician, it was his passion, he worked so hard to be where he is, his goal is to make other happy and to entertain them, he put his heart and soul to his work and yet the people rewarded him with hate and harsh accusation.

 

 

And it hurts him, because they don’t know him, the real him, Kwon Jiyong but what hurts him more is seeing his family in pain too, most especially her, his Dara. She was beside him all thru out, she cried with him, she never leave his side even if he tried pushing her away. She believed in him.

 

 

“We’ll get through this Ji…” She told him as she cradled him in her arms. It was the day that the plagiarizing issue had broke out and he was devastated, he couldn’t take it, so he shut the world out and locked himself in his room. He refused to go out and she, she never stopped coming to him even if he told her he doesn’t want to talk to her or anyone, she didn’t give up until she managed to open his door and she saw him at the corner with his head bowed down. She run to him and in an instant, she enclosed him in her arms protectively, like she was shielding him from the cruelty of the people. And he broke down “I’m here baby…”She cooed as she continued to rock him in her arms.

 

 

“I never stole anyone’s idea…”

 

 

“Shh…I know baby” She told him, she cupped his face so he could face her, she gave him a gentle peck on his lips and smiled warmly at him “and I believe you Ji…I will always believe you”

 

 

 

Hollow.

 

Yes, this is what he's feeling right now and what he will be for the rest of my life. For he is void of the love that was in the palm of his hands and now gone, because he let it slip from his fingers.

 

 

“Why Jiyong? Why did you do this?”

 

 

He watched her pretty face as tears runs in her cheeks, her pained voice is stabbing his heart a million times, and her eyes with pure hurt and misery is killing him slowly.

 

 

“I thought you love me Jiyong?”

 

 

As the years goes by, he slowly felt suffocated, he couldn’t breathe anymore and he felt like dying. People continued to judged him harshly and he’s getting sick of it. He wanted to not care anymore but he have to protect Dara, he is aware that every wrong move he makes will reflect on her, because if they find out that Sandara Park, the innocent and fresh vocal of 2ne1 is his woman, he might taint her reputation because his isn’t exactly good.

 

 

And so they were forced to hide their relationship from the others, only a few knows but for Jiyong, it was not enough, he wanted the whole world to know that she belongs to him, and he loves her more than his life…and soon, some people noticed them, and started to speculate, and slowly, hate words were thrown at her, he wanted to defend her but he couldn’t, because defending her only means one thing, he’s admitting that they are in a relationship, and he is afraid it will only gain her more haters, he felt frustrated, he felt useless, self pity started to eat him, he can’t shield her from all the hate she’s receiving and she doesn’t deserve it but he couldn’t do anything for her, while she did all that she can to protect him.

 

 

The company found a way to divert the attention away from them, and he is against it, but he couldn’t do anything

 

 

“It’s for the best Jiyong…”

 

 

“Appa, you’re asking me to deny her, is that it?”

 

 

“Rather than denying just tell them you’re against in house dating”

 

“It’s okay Jiyong, I know whatever you will say to them, I know the truth, you love me and I love you, I believe in you”

 

 

She believed in him, and that gave him no choice but to agree and follow what the president suggested. The following days, he indirectly denied her, and it hurts him, Dara and other hand, acted like she’s single, constantly asking her fans for a potential boyfriend or date, and soon, fanboys were thrown at her, and Jiyong can’t do anything to shoo them away, he wanted to but he can’t, and it’s killing him, and soon jealousy ate his being.

 

 

Jealousy, self pity, insecurity, frustration, misery and pain build up inside his heart. And he have no outlet but her. Soon, they started to fight like there’s no tomorrow, he knows he was hurting her but he can’t stop, he’s getting out of control, he is aware of it, but he doesn’t know what to do, and he’s tired, really tired, he wanted to break free.

 

 

He started to go out, almost every night, drinking, partying, getting wild and he didn’t care, he didn’t care because he’s already tired, tired of showing the world that he is not the person who they think he is, tired watching his actions, tired of being afraid to make a wrong move, he didn’t care anymore, all he ever wanted to do is breathe and free himself from the cage he’s in.

 

 

And he liked it, he loved it, for the first time in his life, he doesn’t care of whether or not he’s setting a good example to youngsters who idolized him, he is young too, and with all his hard work, he felt that he deserves it, to enjoy his youth, to be human too, screw the world for acting like they know everything, because in truth, they don’t know single about him.

 

 

He’s tired of understanding the world, for once, let the world understand him.

 

 

And she, she just watched him silently, she loved him, and even if what he’s doing hurts her, she will support him, because she knows he’s tired of the the world is giving him,  he just wanted to take a break from it all and she understand it. She just have to continue believing in him and wait for him patiently.

 

 

Even if, her heart is breaking.

 

 

Jiyong continued his pace and with every step, he felt the sand sink beneath his feet, filling the spaces between his toes. He know he leave his footprints behind, only to be washed away by the sea.

 

 

 He shall never look back . . .

 

 

He watched her from afar and she was just staring at the sky with tears streaming down her cheeks. She was oblivious of his presence, and she’s just crying silently. How long has it been since he last saw her, months, he noticed that she lost weight , and he knew she wasn’t eating properly. He fished his phone out of his pocket and stared at the picture of her. It was a recent picture of her and his heart broke as he studied her picture. Her once lively eyes are staring straight at him with emptiness, they were dead, and her smile, is not the same anymore, she changed and he couldn’t recognize her anymore.

 

 

 

 

“Did I do this to you Dara? “ He muttered silently.

 

 

“It hurts so much Jiyong…please come back to me…” He heard her.

 

 

“I wanted to baby…but I can’t….I will only hurt you…”

 

 

He heard her sobbed loudly, he closed his eyes as tears starts to run down his face. Hearing her loud cries pierce his heart but all he can do is just watch her. He leaned at the wall as he listens to her cries, she was pleading for him to come back to her, she still believes in him. Slowly, his legs gave in and he slumped at the ground. He cries silently as he listened to her sobs, he wanted to die right then and there. He was shouting without letting out a sound, and it was painful, his heart hurt so much, it just wanted to explode.

 

 

He was drowning, and he knew it, he’s getting out of hand, and yes he knew it, he cheated on her, going out with a different girl every night, he knew what he’s doing is wrong but he couldn’t stop, he neglected her, pushed her away, and he knew it, but he didn’t care, the feeling of being free and doing whatever was to good for him, he couldn’t give it up, as days, months go by, he wanted more.

 

 

He’s been in every scandal there is out there, but he doesn’t care, he stay silent and the scandal dies. Until, he got involved in a scandal never in his life will happen.

 

 

G-Dragon positive for the use of

 

 

And the first person who came running to him, is her, Dara. He said he didn’t do it and she believed him, and it killed him, because…he lied to her…and yet she still believed in him, putting all her trust in him. She remained by his side and once again protected him from the harshness of the world. She was trying to save him.

 

 

But at that moment, he knew he can longer be saved. He’d done so much damage and inflicted so much pain in her heart. He loves her and still love her and will always love her but he is no longer capable to love her.

 

 

Kwon Jiyong died already and Sandara Park is dying.

 

 

And if there is one thing he wanted to do for her, is that, to save her from him.

 

 

He may have broken her heart but his were shattered into pieces twice more than hers.

 

 

She is a great woman, an angel, and she deserves to live a happy life and he will give it to her, he will make it happen for her even if it means he will have to sacrifice for her.

 

 

He heard footsteps muffled by the shingles, slowly coming towards him.

 

 

Stop.

 

 

 Even though he could not see her, he knows she is there. Her very presence emits an aura that reaches him and touches the fathomless cave within him, igniting warmth throughout this body. He steps faltered to a stop. He slowly raised his eyes to focus on the figure standing a few yards away from him. His breath caught, he tried to swallow the lump in his throat but it felt like it was paralyzed. His pulse quickened its pace against his will. The sandals dangling from his fingers slowly slipped their way down to land beside his feet.

 

 

Her white sundress is a stark contrast against the black velvety sky and once more, her beauty astonishes him. And just by looking at her only added to the throbbing pain inside him, the agony of losing the exquisite creature that, was once his.

 

 

His eyes cannot meet her face for he already know what he will find there-hatred, scorn, and disgust. And he is filled with shame. He stand there, his gaze riveted to the ground, not daring to look up for if he do, if he see into her eyes, it would shatter him to pieces. And then it all comes back to him. He can still remember that night, in this beach. This beach that was witness to their first kiss, that heeded to their whispers of love as they declared souls to each other. It was a night filled with promises of a lifetime together.

 

 

Their promise that was sealed with the kiss of life and the cry of the ocean.

 

 

Look at me, her mind silently tells him, please just look at me.

 

 

He take in shattered breaths, gathering all the strength he needs, uttering a silent prayer to God. He level his gaze to her and her eyes find his and for a moment, time seemed to stop. There were no words, no actions, only the existence of two minds, two hearts.

 

 

He cannot find disdain or contempt on her beautiful face but only questions . . .and hope. She is hoping that he still remember the promise, hoping for his love, for a thousand lifetimes together. He search deep into her eyes and what he find there completely seizes his heart and batters his soul. All his restraint broke and his knees gave way. He collapse into a heap on his knees on the cool glittering sand, her gaze never leaving his. He break down, helpless tears streaming down his cheeks. He bury his face in his hands, the jacket forgotten as he unconsciously loosen his grip and let it out of his hands, granting it the freedom as it flew with the wind.

 

 

A wrenched cry of tormented anguish tears from my chest as the realization strikes him. Her eyes tells him that she is floundering in a depth of misery that exceeded even his own. His hands itch to touch her face, to soothe her into a dull peace for both of them. To tell her that everything is alright. But he cannot. An invisible barrier stands between them, keeping him paralyzed and unable to cross the small distance to get to her welcoming arms and be with her.

 

 

I need to know . . . please just tell me, She silently begs.

 

 

And right then and there, He knows that he cannot suffer enough to pay for the agony he have casted upon this beautiful creature.

 

 

She is asking him, no, she is silently pleading with me to know why.

 

 

Jiyong slowly shake his head, the tears flowing from his eyes mingling with the salty air. The waves crash mercilessly on the shore, taking with it his sandals as it retreats back to the ocean. He does not care anymore for he believes that the world has already taken the most important thing from his heart. He have got nothing more to lose.

 

 

She moves her head in a curt nod as if to accept his decision and it is all he can do not to throw up when he saw the disappointment written all over her pretty face.

 

 

She softens her eyes and her face was that of an angel’s. A small nervous smile played across her lips. He braced his palms on the sand, his stomach turning over as he realized what she is asking of him. It has been a long time since he heard her speak and her soft gentle voice played like music through his ears:

 

 

"Will there still be a place for me in your heart? Even the smallest space will do."

 

 

It is such a heartbreaking statement, her way of asking him if he still loves her. And there is no denying it, the candle of his love for her still burns bright and he know it will never fade. This is what she is waiting to hear. Jiyong can feel the tension in the air touching his skin and he shiver. The silence seemed to stretch forever and he is dying to tell him the truth, to finally hold her close and have her eternally. But he hold back. It is his conscience holding him back and he face her as he breathed out in a strangled sob:

 

 

"I’m sorry. I can’t."

 

 

The hurt look on her face is the final blow

 

"Your know you’re the only one. I gave you my love and it’s yours forever."

 

 

And although they didn’t touch, Jiyong felt her love pour through him like heat from the sun. He cannot bear the sea torture they are flowing through.

 

 

"Please, don’t do this. You cannot love me anymore. Don’t make it harder for both of us . . ."

 

 

She threw him one last long look and there he saw gleaming tears running down her face. He heard her barely audible whisper then she was gone, leaving him cold and desolate and as barren as the desert. Her goodbye still echoes through his heart.

 

 

“I made a choice to let you go, for I couldn’t stand to see you in pain any longer, it’s time for your last tear to fall and one day, you will smile again Dara-yah, just like what I’ve promised you, I’m fulfilling my promise to you, and every tear that I will shed from this day on is worth your every smile”