I ' m Y o u r s

 

p a r t - t w o ; 

nightmares. (sweet dreams?)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The dreams start when he turns 18, the exact night – exactly at midnight, they start, and Tao is sure that for now on, they will not stop.

 

He watches Heechul’s eyes stay on his frame for too long (Heechul never looks at anything but the gate, but –) and his master let’s his gaze wander, his eyes crinkle, his lips press into a thin line.

 

Tao knows they know;

 

But no one says anything.

 

“What’s wrong?” Lay asks, picking a lily off from the side of the pond, and Tao scowls at him, because all life is precious, Lay shrugs nonchalantly, twirling the lily in-between his slim fingers.

 

“What do you mean?” Tao asks sharply, not bothering to be subtle or sneaky with Lay – because sometimes, no matter how confused Lay looks, at times, just sometimes Lay looks like he knows too much, like Hangeng, Hangeng had one too many wrinkles.

 

“The master said something about you finally finding out the truth” he says while dropping the lily back into the pond “that really, you were just confused all along.”

 

Tao stops moving, he stops breathing even – he pauses, before looking up at Lay, eyes narrowed to slits as the boy perches himself onto a higher rock, legs crossing over themselves.

 

“The nightmares” Lay says (using the word to probably keep Tao’s sanity in check)

 

Tao’s heart drops, and maybe, just maybe, he can’t breathe.

 

“The dreams”

 

“No” he spits out angrily, he would’ve screamed – but someone would hear, someone would question and really…

 

“Tao, the master told me to tell me that you leave tomorrow.”

 

“What?” He chokes out, his world tilting off axis “where too?! this is my home”

 

“No” his legs uncross and he’s staring bashfully into Tao’s soul, “this is no one’s home, Zitao.”

 

And Tao has always known they’ve known, after all, everyone here knows a bit too much.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There isn’t any tearful goodbyes like Hangeng’s departure (even though the master says Hangeng wasn’t supposed to leave, so he will come back, though – Tao doesn’t think Heechul believes him).

 

“This is my home, master.” Tao says mournfully, a cloth bag slung over his shoulder as he wriggles into a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, “why do I have to go?”

 

“You’ve found out the truth” his master says with a smile present on his face “I don’t need to guide you anymore.”

 

“I haven’t” Tao protests, and he feels like he’s being kicked out, and it hurts, honestly speaking. He doesn’t want to leave, he wants to grow old with these people.

 

“Tao, your dreams will guide you, you are always welcome back.” His master says softly, and Heechul looks up from the ground.

 

“You’re going, too?” and his voice kind of sounds bitter, and Tao flinches.

 

“Not by choice.”

 

“He has found himself Heechul, he must go back into the world and complete himself.”

 

“Let me go find Hangeng, then.” Heechul whispers, and Tao thinks for a moment –

 

“You must find yourself first” their master says softly, a sad smile on his face, “now let’s all wish Tao luck.”

 

Ah, he thinks, his eyes feeling heavy – his stomach holding up a rock, Hangeng didn’t run away, this is what happens.

 

He should’ve known, not everything good lasts forever.

 

“Soon,” Heechul says looking back to the gate “I’ll find myself and find the both of you, so have your together, got it Tao?” He says in rapid angry Korean, and Tao gives him a lopsided smile, nodding his head before holding his bag a bit tighter.

 

No one points out he’s crying,

 

No one tells him what his dreams mean.

 

But he thinks he knows, because one does not dream something like that so vividly, so real, and then next he’s –

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The city isn’t as gorgeous as his home, and Tao kind of feels bitter at his master for making him leave, he feels bitter for having Lay kick him out.

 

He feels bitter in general.

 

He hates sitting in coffee shops, people walking briskly past him – long has the ‘run-away child Zitao’ thing faded into nothing but dust, he’s a forgotten memory, surely even his parents have forgotten him.

 

“Zitao?”

 

He freezes, because it’s not often he’s called that name anymore, heck, the last time he was called that was 13 hours ago by Lay, the first time after like – nine years.

 

“Zitao?” The voice repeats, and Tao sighs, deciding to get this over with (he will have to go home soon, he has no money).

 

“Yes?” He asks sharply, turning around to face someone he wasn’t really hoping to see again, not for another 50 years, maybe. “Oh,” he breathes out when he sees his father’s aging face, lines of concentration between his eyebrows, and the man scowls at him.

 

“Oh?” He hisses back, “your gone for 9 years and all you have to say is ‘Oh’ to me finding you in a coffee shop, 4 hours away from home and – !”

 

“Dad” Tao cuts off smoothly, used to loud voices that are angry (Heechul and Hangeng), he’s calmer, he’s older, he’s smarter. “I was finding myself, master told me that I’ve done just that, so I’m back,” he pauses, looking up into the older man’s eyes, “let’s start over, I’m Tao, I turned eighteen 2 days ago.”

 

His father pauses, before a small smile appears on his lips, “I know” his father whispers.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He gets home that night at 8pm, the sky is dark, full of unknown smog, and his house is still the same, pristine, white, rich looking house he used to live in when he was a child, and he feels a bit suffocated – because he’s used to sleeping with people beside him, he hardly even breathes the same air as his parents because this house is so large.

 

“Welcome home, wait here while I go talk to your mother.” His dad might’ve taken it well, but Tao knows better than to assume that his mother will just open her arms and accept it all, heck, he’s surprised it’s gone well so far.

 

He hears a loud cry erupt throughout the house, Earth shattering and just sad, and Tao’s stomach turns with guilt.

 

“Zitao?” He hears a feminine voice echo hollowly, “you saw him? Oh god –“

 

“I’m back, mother” he says calmly, hand behind his back as he his head to the side watching she run across the house, tears in her eyes as she engulfs him into her arms.

 

“Zitao” she sobs out, her head pressed into his shoulder – he remembers how he had to look up at her to speak to her, and now he has to look down.

 

“Things change when you end up going back, people change, whether we believe it or not, looks, personality, eyes, wrinkles, people change a lot.” Xiumin had whispered one night, eyes closed as he looked back up at the night sky full of stars. Tao remembers that night, because it was his last night with Xiumin.

 

“Where were you?” She asks between sniffles, “did someone kidnap you?”

 

“No” Tao says softly, “I ran away, and someone adopted me, kind of.”

 

She cries louder – but Tao didn’t have the heart to lie to her, it had to be done, the truth would come out one day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Kris will be so happy” she chirps rapidly, and Tao crinkles his nose at her in confusion, truthfully, he was honestly positive he didn’t want to encounter Kris again.

 

“I already called him and told him to come over” Tao’s father says happily, and Tao stiffens.

 

“I threw him against the ground the last time I saw him, I don’t think he wants to see me.” Tao shamelessly admits, and feels like he should defend himself against his parents accusing stares, “I didn’t want Hangeng-gege to beat him up instead.”

 

“Where were you anyways?” His mother asks instead and he shrugs in response

 

Cause that’s a secret of the children who hide there.

 

“You don’t know?” his father asks angrily, “Zitao –“

 

“I can’t tell you” Tao responds immediately “and stop calling me that, that’s not my name anymore.”

 

“You’re too different, we’ve lost nine years Zitao, soon you’ll be moving out…”

 

“I’m sorry” he says immediately, giving his mom a small smile (because in the end, he never wanted to come back), “but some people there have been there for years, much longer than me, I came back, because I’m smarter.”

 

“How so?”

 

“I understand now” Tao says proudly, “and that’s all I needed to know.”

 

“It took you 9 years away from us?” His mother asks sadly, her hands clasped in his, he gives her a small smile.

 

“It’s harder than you think, cause you can’t think about it, according to master it just happens one day.”

 

“Why away from us, though?”

 

“I don’t know, honestly, I still don’t know the truth but –“

 

“TAO!” A voice hollers, the door slamming open, and his head shoots up, large black beady eyes turning into black moons as he watches Kris storm in,

 

He was expecting to be punched,

 

But he was hugged instead. 

 

“Tao” Kris gasps out, and Tao wonders somewhere between the sobs on his shoulder, the tightening of Kris’ arms around him, why he chose to re-name himself ‘Tao’ the exact nickname Kris had given to him when he was a mere toddler.

 

“…Kris” Tao whispers back softly, letting his right hand awkwardly pat his older cousin’s back, and suddenly he doesn’t feel like ripping Kris’ head off like he once did, once when he was Zitao.

 

“Are you back, for good?” Kris says softly – voice broken, arms encircled around his waist as Kris possibly holds him tighter.

 

Tao pauses, and before he can stop it, “yes” he mutters breathlessly.

 

“Kris” Tao, the Tao in his dreams, a 9 year old version of himself, “Kris gege”

 

“I love you, do you know that?” Kris says strongly (though Tao can hear the small waver) and Tao’s breathe leaves his lungs.

 

“How did you find me…?” Tao wonders out loud, eyes tearing up as he reaches out to try and hug Kris.

 

But Kris fades away, and the inkling feeling of regret and anger boil deep down inside of him.

 

“For good” he finishes, tears stinging at the corners of his eyes as he remembers his dreams, small clips leading up till he’s a teenager – till they’re doing stuff cousins shouldn’t be doing, but they end up doing it anyways.

 

And Tao wonders if the I love you was from Tao’s mouth, or from Kris’.

 

He decides then, that he’s found the truth.

 

I love Kris.

 

And it’s honestly the most simplest thing he’s ever came to terms with.

 

“I’m sorry” Kris mutters, “I’m sorry for making you feel unwanted, or any like that, but I was always jealous of you, you Tao, always receiving love from your parents, from me, you were –“

 

“It’s fine” Tao says, his voice cracking near the end, “Kris, I’m sorry for thinking I hated you.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Though him and Kris don’t get together, he gets to stay by Kris’ side day and night, they attend the same University, and they sometimes hold hands when Kris is in a good mood, Tao doesn’t confess, never.

 

He was once about to do it, when they were idly laying on Kris’ apartment sofa, watching a movie for kids at a suspicious hour, Tao almost breaks his resolve, he almost confesses.

 

But he didn’t, and he never will.

 

“Tao?” Kris asks worriedly, fingers snapping in front of his face to bring him back to terms with where he is now.

 

“Oh… Sorry” Tao mumbles brokenly.

 

“Sometimes when you go back, it’s really heartbreaking, because by the time you get back, everyone’s moved on – and maybe, just maybe” Xiumin’s voice cracks, and Tao doesn’t need to turn his head to know that Xiumin is crying, “they’ve found someone new to fall in love with, and you’ve lost your chance while your out finding yourself.”

 

Heechul later told him that night that Xiumin left, because he was so worried that maybe the person he’s in love with will move on without him around.

 

Tao himself, never thought of simple things like that –

 

He didn’t even know he was in love.

 

“Geez, try not to space out on my wedding day.” Kris chides him with a fake glare, but Tao knows Kris is too ing giddy to realize he’s breaking, how everything inside him is crumbling.

 

“Hey, Kris” Tao asks softly, grabbing Kris’s black tux sleeve, dragging his cousin a step backwards, keeping his stare onto the ground, “did you ever try looking for me? Even when everyone else stopped?”

 

There’s silence, and Tao wonders why everything sounds dull and faded, Kris breathes, Tao exhales.

 

“Everyday” Kris croaks out, tongue slathering his dry lips, “until the day I found you at that coffee shop, after that… I gave up.”

 

He moved on Tao thinks, and he suddenly understands Xiumin’s fears, fears that should’ve been his.

 

“I see” Tao says letting go of the groom, “do you know why I left?”

 

“No” Kris replies automatically.

 

“I needed to understand myself,”

 

“Do you now?” he sounds bitter, and Tao closes his eyes. 

 

“Yeah” Tao laughs out, “maybe a bit too much, Kris, after your wedding, I’m leaving again.”

 

Kris inhales sharply,

 

The words I love you, don’t forget me, never, hang off his tongue, and he wonders if he should say them – because honestly, it isn’t really all that fair to Kris, but Tao is leaving tomorrow and maybe he no longer has fears…

 

“But you know, I confused two very similar emotions… and it confuses me now how I was so confused for 9 years.”

 

“… Tao?” Kris asks hesitantly, “what are you trying to tell me?”

 

“Nothing” Tao whispers softly, his resolve crumbling at his feet, “nothing at all.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

An hour after the wedding, as his whole family gathers at Kris’ and his new wife’s apartment, Tao is at his own house, crying (though he would never admit to it) while packing few things he'll need.

 

He thinks for a moment before grabbing his cellphone, pressing it between his shoulder and his ear before actually speaking, 

 

“Hey Kris” he whispers softly as he a photo of him, Kris and that vile woman – he presses his cellphone closer to his ear, inhaling sharply into his cousin’s voicemail, “I think it’s better when I’m gone, I mean, I think too much, and I think you think too little,”

 

He counts to three,

 

“I love –“

 

“Message too long, please call again to leave another message or hang up”

 

And maybe his confession was never meant to be, he places his cellphone and photo down onto his nightstand and smiles to the items.

 

“Huang Zitao” he says loudly, “Tao, age 22, both proclaimed dead.”

 

He breathes finally, and he doesn’t think of a new name as he slings his bag over his shoulder and climbs thru his window, jumping down the short distance and smiling up at his house as the breeze rustles his black as night hair.

 

He knows leaving his identity behind won’t fix his broken heart, and he knows he can hear the loud song of ‘That XX’ playing from his cellphone, the ringtone he set for Kris, his heart swells, and he realizes that Kris had gotten his message.

 

And for once, Zitao, the boy who chased after Kris his whole life –

 

But in the end it was Tao whom had done everything for him, still... it was Zitao’s feelings that were heard. The same innocent feelings he had years ago.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When he enters the gates to his old home, the first place he would ever admit to being his home, he realizes Heechul isn’t in front of the gate waiting for Hangeng like he used too.

 

He wanders idly down the path, wondering where everyone could be, he isn’t shocked to find everyone standing on stones, listening to master’s instructions without flaw – Tao merely dips his head down when his master turns to look at him, giving a wistful smile before turning back to pay attention to the new children of the place.

 

“Tao?” Tao perks up, a smile on his face when he sees the familiar face of Lay, “wow, um, welcome back.”

 

“Thank you” he breathes, “where’s Heechul?”

 

“In his room,” Lay says, a smile out-stretching on his face, “with Hangeng.”

 

“Oh” and Tao knows what jealousy feels like, but he won’t admit defeat to such a bitter creature, because no matter what, Tao is happy for them.

 

“It seems,” Lay mumbles, “their destiny was to find each other in the end, what was yours?”

 

Tao pauses and he thinks –

 

“To fall in love, and learn how to let it go.”

 

Age 22, currently in love with Kris – (and he will probably always will be), Huang Zitao, whom had tried to become another person with the name Tao – but failed, cause in the end, both are the same person.

 

Though, he thinks, one had Kris, and one never did.

 

He laughs loudly, and Lay gives him a weird look as he utters underneath his breath, “though, I’m not sure which one really did.” 

 

"Don't be stupid" Lay suddenly says, and Tao jerks his head up, eyes going wide, because that phrase is something his parents had engraved into his thoughts, the same phrase he had stayed up all night thinking about in his childhood, "Zitao, Tao, both of you are the same person, both of you had that person you were in love with."

 

And sometimes, really, Lay knows too much.

 

And Tao, really should start thinking more outside of his realm.