The scratch of my pen can be heard throughout the quiet calm of the coffee shop, the colored ink spreading across the paper. Bleeding, staining the dark liquid forms the letters that my mouth has not been able to say, the words that my heart has been screaming for so long. Pausing I look up, my eyes glancing out the window. Thinking I lean upon my hands, thoughts tugging at an unyielding mind. My mind warns me to stop but my heart cries for me to continue. It’s odd really; I never would have thought that such a trivial thought would become such an incumbent part of my life. I can feel the corners of my mouth tug as I watch a couple across the street. Her eyes shine brightly with laughter, a laughter my voice has long forgotten how to emit. The man with her is laughing as well, affection and desire written upon his face. His mouth opens and I watch her blush while he gathers her in his arms, gently kissing her forehead. Widening fractionally my eyes watch as he fluidly goes to one knee, the woman blushing and becoming flustered over the sparkling gold band in the box. Exhaling softly I can feel my warm breath hit my hands, dusting over my own silver band.

I recognize that man; he is very noticeable to me after all. I wonder if the woman would react the same way if she knew about his other partner that he is so often with. Sighing dejectedly I look back at the paper that I have been furiously scribbling at for the last hour, the blots and scratches like old friends. Sniffing slightly I wrap myself further into the warmth of my jacket. Distastefully I glare at the manager that is lounging across the counter flirting shamelessly with the girl across from him. My lips purse in irritable discontent. The fool should be worrying about the temperature of his store rather than chasing some other girl’s skirt. He is going to make his girlfriend cry. Shivering slightly my glare deepens and I find my eyes roving to the couple who is still outside the window. Shaking my head I can feel my world jumble in a cold restlessness.

I don’t understand cheating, really I don’t. Perhaps it is one of those situations where you have to be there to understand it. I have listened to people speak of it and seen many couples go through it. But I still do not understand it. What is it that compels a person to cheat really? If they are not satisfied with their partner then why are they with them? Why put them through such an emotional turmoil? I think that cheating is more damaging than a person realizes. After all, the one left behind will always wonder why they weren’t good enough, what could they have done differently, and why were they never loved properly. The ones that aid in the cheating will forever live under the rouge that the other party loves them, and perhaps they do. Perhaps that is why people cheat, they cannot choose between a love.

But, you know, I think that if you cannot choose then you shouldn’t love either, rather than to love both. If you cannot fully commit to one party then I feel that you should not be there with them. Many things in this world can be forgiven and you can try to forgive others. But I think that the heart never really forgets the betrayal of a lover that has gone astray. After all, that is the deepest cut. The one that hurts the most. It is as if your lover did not respect you enough to show you the proper courtesy and honest y you deserve. They didn’t love you properly, as they should have, but rather chose to love you one way and them another. As you lay in bed on those nights where the spot next to yours is empty, cold, you cannot help but feel your heart grow the same.

The human heart is meant to only sustain so much. Love is something that is a gift given by the heart, it is not something you can retrieve and once it leaves you, if not taken care of can leave a gash that may never heal. I think that you truly love someone only once in your life. The kind of love where you give them everything and hope that it is enough, that you are enough. The kind of love that can forgive anything and welcome anything in the other. But, that love, like anything, can be taken advantage of until it can withstand no more. The body is not built like the heart and the mind never seems to want to cooperate with it either. Over time the pain of such a love can wear you away, change you and slowly kill you inside.

Maybe that kind of love is what leads people to cheat. They are seeking a solace. But what about those that betray that love? Are they just selfish? Is one heart not enough? Or perhaps you were never truly loved, but played with? Or maybe, just maybe you always thought that that love would be there, no matter what you did.

The problem with cheating is you always get caught. Maybe you don’t realize it, or maybe you want to ignore it. But you have to know that that partner that you leave, the one that faces that empty, cold space next to them as they sleep, they notice. They notice the different smell of your clothes, the marks that they didn’t leave on your fair skin and the different ways in which you hold them. They notice when you accidentally say something is their favorite that they never once liked. Those nights that you say you work late and they go to pick you up only to find that you left hours before, they notice. They notice your sudden infatuation with your phone, or those new work emergencies that you need to attend to. Only to have your job call because you misplaced a piece of paper and they need it even though you are on vacation. A vacation you forgot to tell them about.

You know, I really don’t understand cheating. The infidelities that can seem so fine to one yet rip another apart: An unfaithfulness that can make one unaware of the changes in their partner, the hesitancy, the lack of appetite and the sudden quiet moods that once were filled with aimless chatter. The sudden need for affection or the now whispered I love you’s. The uncertainty of oneself and the need to feel wanted. The once common laughter that is now replaced with silent tears, tears that you are never there to hear. The look of doubt and betrayal with ever kiss and questionable vow of affection. The kind of cheating that leaves a person a former shell of what they were.

But you know, the funny thing about cheating is, once it destroys you, you slowly start to realize who you are and your own importance. An importance you had lost with that first blow of that perfume. An importance that had been crumbled with that first lie: An importance that had been shattered with that first night alone. With the discovery of that importance you slowly explore the forbidden ground of love. You realize that you deserve to be loved. Properly loved and cared for. You start to love yourself. This love stems from yourself and is fed by yourself. This is a love that should have never been lost when you saw that first love bite that you had not left. A love that should have never disappeared with that first tear that had fallen only to evaporate in the steamy air. A love that reminded you that you were important and could stand alone. A love of your own that reminded you that you mattered and would lend you the strength that you had once sought from the love of the one that betrayed you.

The funny thing with cheating is, it can break you, but also make you. You know that you are hurt and there is a possibility that you cannot trust again. At least not for a very long time. But, you also know that there is a love that will heal you. You realize that the one person you once thought that you could not live without no longer has a place with you in your future. The person that betrayed you can keep the one that so easily stole their affection from you. You realize that, if they cannot make a decision on where their love should lie, you will make it for them.  

Shimmering slightly I look at the silver band once more. I can feel the corners of my mouth tug again. I can feel it, but I suppress it. A bitter smile is no longer a fixture of my features. I will not allow it. Silently my almond eyes look at the sparkling object as if it is something to be explored.

The silver band is slightly scratched, and in need of a polish. It is still beautiful though, I must admit. I can feel my heart swell as I look at it. When I received this ring from him, I didn’t experience a man on his knees, nor a candle light dinner, but it was still special. It was still mine. It was soft and warm, like his embrace. One day my finger had been bare, the next I had woken with the band on my finger. Almost like him. My life had been bare and then there he was; my whole world. Perhaps that is why I cherished it so much, this saddening love. He had been mine, all mine. At least, that is what I had wanted. I had wanted him for eternity. I had been willing to go through hell and back with him. Yet I had gone to hell alone. I had given him everything, and still it had not been enough. He had taken it, and then expected more. More that I can no longer give, nor allow.

Love is a selfish emotion. It wants and it takes. It monopolizes and steals emotions that you had never thought possible. It builds and it destroys. But most of all, love is meant between two hearts. There is no room for another. When you become greedy and want more, it will give until it can give no more, and then that love turns into a monster. A gaping black hole that consumes you whole. It will break you, putting your will to the test and lock what is left of you in a dark room, leaving you to find the key. It is up to you whether or not you find the key in the dark. Will you be consumed by the broken promises that assail you in that dark place, or will you struggle to find the key to unlock your own strength and fight to discover the love that you deserve. Love is a very complicated and harsh part of you. It can destroy you, but it can also make you. Love is the emotion that gives and takes life.

Sighing my eyes stray to the tear streaked paper below me. The heartfelt emotions and broken feelings poured out, the dark ink bleeding and scratched like my soul. Tilting my head my eyes scan through the heartbreak and betrayal that I had kept locked within me for so long. The page had many mistakes and hurt feelings scribbled across it. It was almost an account of how I had felt, the cold and empty feelings that had mirrored my bed for so long. The sorrow I had felt for the meals that I had eaten on my own and the hours I had spent under the scorching shower, the tears of betrayal mingling with the water. The sense of desperateness that had caused the sudden change in my appearance, the loss of weight and tortuous diets to make you look at me. My fingers tentatively ghost over my cheeks, the feel of warm flesh comforting. I no longer looked like a bag of bones. I was healthy, nourished. Not that you had ever noticed though.

The letter was a testament to the emotional turmoil I had undergone and the love that I had once felt. Biting my lips I refuse to let the tears fall even more, wondering at how there could possibly be anymore. Inhaling deeply I look at the giddy couple that is now crossing the street, hands clasped tightly and cheeks flushed from the early winter air. A small laugh escapes my lips, my slender fingers reaching for the paper, tearing it from the binder it slowly crumbles. A small smile is spread over my features as I scribble the feelings that I truly want to convey before I sign my name at the bottom. Meticulously I fold the letter, slipping it into the envelope I sniffle slightly, slipping the silver band from my finger. The skin beneath is slightly whiter than the rest of my flesh, and slightly leather like. It has been seven years since I first put this ring on. As the cool band slides over my skin for the first time since it was placed there I can feel something within me releasing, being set free. Smiling I slip the ring into the envelope, cursing slightly when it falls from the table.

Reaching down my fingers brush those of another. Eyes widening I feel a slight static shock as the waiter straightens, cheeks flushed at the sudden contact. Mumbling slightly he deposits the ring in my hand, brown hair falling over his eyes as he bows quickly, asking for forgiveness. Smiling sweetly I simply shake my head, depositing the ring into the envelope, my tongue flitting out to the seal. Looking at him I notice his almond eyes riveted on my face. Tilting my head slightly I raise a brow questioning. Shaking his head he quickly mumbles another apology before skittering off, returning with my jacket. The door chimes, signaling a customer’s entrance. Looking through his shaggy hair the others plump lips pull into a welcoming smile as he lets them know the flirtatious man behind the counter will take care of them. Looking over my shoulder I catch the eye of the man. It is the couple from earlier. Smiling calmly I watch him freeze, eyes wide when he notices me. Smiling up at the kind waiter I watch his cheeks flush once more, my eyes crinkling in pleasure. Slipping my arm into one sleeve I switch the envelope to the other hand, thanking him for his help. Inhaling deeply I can feel my heart plummet and begin to race as I approach the couple.

The woman is openly flirting with the man behind the counter and I can’t help but wonder if perhaps she will cheat on him as well. I start to wonder if perhaps she will be enough to satisfy him. Forcing my smile wider I banish the thoughts and try to still my heart, fingers clasped over the envelope. The man’s eyes are wide, terror emitting from his tense body. Shaking my head I can’t help but wonder what he is thinking, expecting. Opening his mouth I can see his mind searching for something to say but I don’t want to hear it: Another lie, another excuse. They aren’t needed. Smiling my calm eyes seem to silence him. I watch those large, chocolate eyes that I had once loved so dearly watch me approach wearily, his sharp cheek bones draining of color. Flinching he recoils as my hand silently extends to him, eyes squeezing shut in anticipation. I patiently wait for his eyes to open, watching the confusion flicker when I did not strike him. Blinking dumbly he shakily takes the envelope from my steady hands.

Smiling I just tilt my head, my eyes regarding him as he watches me stunned, unable to speak. My hand raise and I watch him flinch from me. Chuckling softly I can feel my smile become genuine, and my heart settle as my fingers slowly move in a gesture of farewell, his hand slowly coming to mimic mine out of habit. Confusion and uncertainty on his face. Turning on my heal I silently leave, his penetrating gaze on my back.

Exiting the café I listen to the chime that signals my departure, my freedom. Inhaling the crisp air sets my lungs on fire. Sniffling my nose tingles with the sharp ness of the air. Chuckling I look at my watch, realizing that the movers would have had time to finish moving my belongings to my new place. Smiling I tilt my head to the sky watching the dark clouds rumble over the horizon. Shoving my hands in my pockets I wonder if it will snow.

Blinking I feel the crumble of paper beneath my chilled fingers. Curiously I pull it out, unfolding it. Grinning brightly I look over my shoulder, eyes meeting with the blushing waiter that quickly ducked out of sight. Looking at the paper I carefully folded it and placed it back into my pocket, deciding that perhaps I should get a new phone. Careful my booted foot stepped forward, my new path lighted inviting. Chuckling I thought of the message, its simple characters already memorized and playing in my mind.

You look nice when you smile. If you like I, can I see you smile again? I, well, I don’t know what to say. Um, if you want to grab dinner sometime I know a great chicken place. Here is my number. 010-2797-5588. Oh! And my name is Onew!

Watching the figure outside turn and smile at the waiter in the window the man felt his heart race. Eyes narrowing slightly his fingers unconsciously gripped at the envelope handed to him. Eyes still wide guilt and confusion wracked his body. That was not how he ever thought that the other would respond. Jumping when the woman looked at him curiously, brow knitting as she placed a cool hand on his forearm.

“I-I’m sorry.” He apologized quickly. “What did you say Victoria?”

Pouting slightly the woman looked at him angrily. “You weren’t listening to me?” she demanded.

“I was distracted.” He apologized, looking at the figure that was slowly walking away, smile and straight shoulders causing turmoil of emotions to rack his body.

“I asked who that was.” She demanded once more.

Blinking dumbly he felt himself at a loss of words for the second time that day. Eyes wide his heart seized when he watched the figure disappear around the corner.

“Hello?” she demanded voice impatient. “Are you paying attention to me Jonghyun?”

Oddly numb he looked at her, his heart palpitating oddly. “J-just a friend.” He lied softly, body chilling at the phrase. Odd, he had said it so many times about Victoria, but when he said it about the other, it felt like such a lie.

Tugging on his arm impatiently the woman looked at his hand that held the sealed envelope. “Well, what did he give you?” she demanded.

“I-I don’t know.” He said softly, looking at the envelope that he had been handed.

“Well, it’s addressed to you!” she stated obviously, staring at the neatly printed names on the front. Brows knitting she looked at the names. “What kind of name is Key?” she scoffed.

“His name is Kibum.” Jonghyun stated coldly, yanking his arm from the woman. Maybe giving her the ring to please her had been a bad idea, she was oddly getting on his nerves at the moment. Ignoring the woman’s mouth as it gaped at him he slowly opened the letter, heart racing as he felt a small, hard object inside. Pulling the letter from the envelope he slowly unfolded the simple paper, a soft scent of cologne hitting his nostrils. Eyes widening in horror, his body instantly went numb. The letter still inches before his face his other hand fell to his side, the soft ting of the ring hitting the tile resounding in the café. Jonghyun felt his heart beat uncontrollable, breath hitching as he felt his world shatter. Riveted his eyes could not leave the page, the realization of what he had done ultimately paralyzing him. Hauntingly the words stared back at him. Slowly his arm fell to his side, eyes staring out at the sky as soft snow began to fall.

Dropping the paper he ran from the building towards his apartment, their apartment desperate to catch the other. Rounding the corner he felt his heart plummet and race and he saw the door slightly ajar, no light to welcome him. Gasping desperately for air he burst through the door, an empty apartment greeting him. Eerily the cold dark stared back at him. Screaming he sank to his knees, horror and desperation wracking through him. Mocking him as the precise handwriting mocked him.

Gently the letter floated to the ground, it’s neat creases leaving the simple words faced to the sky. It’s open honesty a testament of the heart. Serenely the letters looked at the heavens, the simple line all that was need. Elegantly Key’s handwriting lay scribbled across the thin parchment. Reading:

I deserve better.