Year Four:
Enigma and Enlightenment

He watched as clumps of freshmen crowded in front of the bulletin board. They struggled to see past each other’s shoulders, some on their tiptoes and others resorting to elbowing their way through. There was a mix of cheers and groans that drowned each other out, and Hyukjae watched in silence as he leaned on a tree away from the mess of it all.

It became somewhat a custom—students, especially freshmen, would go early on the first day of school in their excitement and nervousness at the class lists. Friends hope to be with friends and loners hope to be with other loners so that they wouldn’t bother each other, but the arrangement is completely random and often brings forth more disappointment than relief. Already in his fourth year, Hyukjae was used to and admittedly a bit tired of the entire routine but somehow, he couldn’t help the nervous tapping of his foot.

By the time the crowd somehow cleared up, he found himself staring hard at the list his name was under. A certain name caught his eye and unconsciously, the grip on his backpack grew tighter.

“Seems like I’m stuck with you until the end, bastard.” Sungmin chirped from beside him. “Oh great. Look, Kyuhyun’s with us too.”

Hyukjae nodded wordlessly, his eyes still raking the list.

“It’s too bad Donghae’s in a class with Junsu this year.” Sungmin laughed, “I’m not sure your friend can handle his crazy.”

“He’ll be fine.”

Sungmin raised a brow at the redhead’s intense gaze at the board, “What’s wrong?”

 Hyukjae sighed and his heel, not before sending one last glance at a name towards the top of the list.

“Nothing. Let’s go.”

Curious, Sungmin looked at the names again and noticed there was one he didn’t recognize.

 “Min!” Hyukjae turned around, an evident frown on his face.

“Y-yeah!” He scurried to follow, “Coming!”

As Sungmin walked beside Hyukjae who spoke even less than usual, he wondered who this Choi Siwon might be to disgruntle his levelheaded friend.

- - -

He wasn’t sure what made him do it, really, but he sent Donghae a text telling him not to wait up at the tree before going to class. Maybe it was a particularly cranky morning or he didn’t feel like going to school or maybe it was because of that odd feeling he’d get in his stomach whenever he thought about how Siwon became more than just Donghae’s friend.

Siwon was tall and handsome, polite and friendly, a bit on the weird side but an all-around nice guy. Even in the few minutes they’d remotely got to know each other, he was aware of that. So Hyukjae could not understand why, for at least one second, he wanted to bring his hands up, wring them around the guy’s neck and watch him suffocate.

The feeling left as soon as it came but it was enough to get him to lay wide-awake in bed that night and a few nights after.

When Donghae’s reply came with a meek ‘okay’, Hyukjae dragged himself to school five minutes before the bell would ring and tried to ignore the nagging thought that maybe if it were Siwon, Donghae wouldn’t accept it so easily.

He hadn’t gone to the park since.

 “Everyone, pair up!”

A series of groans echoed around the room and reminded Hyukjae that he was in class.

Instinctively, he looked to his right where Sungmin usually sat and found it empty.  He bit back a sigh when he realized the blonde was stuck home with the flu that day and quickly surveyed the room. Pairs were quickly being formed as guys dragged their chairs to sit near their partners and girls giggled into their hands as they waited in their seats.

Hyukjae looked to the back and was surprised to see someone about as isolated as he was. Instructions were already being given so he shrugged and without a second thought, walked there with a lazy smirk.

“Looks like no one wants to partner with the transferee.”

Siwon looked up and smiled with relief to see a familiar face.

“Hyukjae!”  He stood and offered his chair, “come, sit!”

Hyukjae rolled his eyes and dumped his bag on Siwon’s desk.

“Sit down. You’re embarrassing yourself.”

- - -

Siwon was unsurprisingly a great partner to work with.

He listened carefully to instructions, shared ideas that Hyukjae never thought of, was efficient in the short time they were given, all the while managing to crack jokes and laugh with him when things got too quiet and boring. By the time the class hour was over, Siwon had an arm slung on Hyukjae’s shoulder as they walked out the room, stifling snorts and laughter at an inside joke.

They got along admittedly well and Hyukjae would hate to admit but he did slightly regret avoiding him after their first meeting months ago.

“Two burgers, please.”

They were at the canteen for lunch hour and after lining up in comfortable silence, he and Siwon finally made it to the cashier.

“Oh,” Siwon interjected, “no tomatoes for the other burger, please. No mustard either.”

The lady seemed a bit dazed at his smile but nodded nonetheless, shouting orders to the kitchen and giving them their total. As they dug for their wallets, Hyukjae raised a brow at him.

“I took you for the type to eat all your vegetables.”

Siwon was silent for a while before laughing loudly and wrapping his arms around Hyukjae’s neck, shaking him in his amusement, “It’s not for me, it’s—”

“Hyuk!”

They turned to see a rowdy group seated around a table. They were waving to Hyukjae, motioning for him to sit with them.

“Go ahead,” Siwon chuckled and released him from his hold, “they look like they’re about to turn a table over until you get your there.”

Hyukjae looked unperturbed, “You could come along if you’d like.”

“No,” Siwon shook his head and lightly shoved him in their direction, “it’s alright.”

“I’m sure the girls would love you.”

Siwon refused again with a laugh, “I’m flattered but no.”

“Why not?”

The stubborn gaze in Hyukjae’s eyes made him stop and sigh.

“Donghae hates eating alone.”

It was a blur to him after that.

He vaguely remembered walking to his friends’ table in a daze and Siwon saying he’d go up to the rooftop after paying for the burger. Neither of them had mentioned Donghae this entire time and it felt somewhat like a punch in the gut.

As Junsu’s complaints and jokes about teachers rang across the table, Hyukjae thought about how he never knew Donghae hated eating alone, about how Siwon knew how he liked his burger and about how maybe, he should’ve gone with him instead.

But most of all, Hyukjae though about how he kind of missed Donghae’s laugh.

- - -

He told himself he wasn’t nervous.

Hyukjae left for school early that morning, a sight that almost brought a tear to his mother’s eye because it’d been a while since her son last prepared breakfast for her. He waved to her with a slight smile and took a deep breath before making his way to the park.

The trees lined the entrance as always, some leaves fell into Hyukjae’s hair as he walked down the pathway, counting the benches as he did.

One…

The park was empty and silent, save for the rustle of leaves up in the trees and the occasional sounds of birds chirping. He wasn’t nervous, really.

He just hadn’t been here in a while.

Two…

These first two benches were often left empty. They were dirty and had been used as skateboard ramps by kids from the neighborhood. Hyukjae barely spared them a glance, his eyes zoned in on the familiar one by the tree.

Thr—

He heard what sounded like a mix between a battle cry and a shriek of excitement before he was tackled to the ground, his face buried in the leaves and his body aching all over.

“Hyukjae!” Donghae shouted and from the sound of his voice and the weight on his lower back, Hyukjae could imagine their position as a human cross on the ground. “You came! You really came!”

Donghae only got a soft groan in response and scrambled off Hyukjae, poking his head with a finger.

“Hey.” He poked, “Hey, Hyukjae.”

The redhead groaned loudly before lifting himself off the ground and turned to him with an intense glare that he meant to be terrifying but was only met with Donghae’s loud laughter because of the dirt smeared on his cheek.

After a bit of wrestling that was slightly in Donghae’s favor since Hyukjae had such a skinny frame, he scrambled off the blonde and on his feet, dusting his clothes and fixing his hair in an attempt to preserve what dignity he had left. He ignored Donghae’s mocking smile as he sat and leaned back on the bench.

A thump sounded beside him and he didn’t need to look to know Donghae was there, his shoulder grazing his and Hyukjae sighed softly as he realized how much he missed this.

They sat in silence, watching the leaves swing back and forth, landing softly on the ground.

“Siwon told you, didn’t he?”

Hyukjae turned to see the usual grin on Donghae’s face replaced by a sad smile.

He faced forward again, head tilted at the sky, “Told me what?”

“About him and I.”

“Hm.”

“He came from a well-off family.” Donghae spoke slow, anticipating whether or not Hyukjae would let him talk about it. When Hyukjae made no qualms, he continued, “They travelled to Mokpo during the summer to stay at their vacation house there. Won-chan often liked to wander off and I met him while I was playing on the streets one day.”

Donghae caught a leaf and twirled it around, examining its systems of veins and the patterns they drew.

“I was around seven years old then and never before had I met someone quite so…charming.” He smiled to himself, “I was pretty smitten. Siwon taught me many things, how to value myself as well as others. I missed him whenever summer came to an end and he would go back to the city, while I would be left alone to defend myself because none of the neighborhood kids took a liking to the weirdo who watched Japanese cartoons.”

Hyukjae laughed at that, “you must’ve been pretty weird.”

Donghae pouted lightly but continued, “We lasted about three years like that, until Won-chan told me his family decided to sell their vacation house and well… I didn’t want to burden him so we both supposed it was best to separate on good terms. I still cried like a baby that night, though.”

Hyukjae watched the leaves pile on the ground and relished in the feeling of Donghae opening up to him. It warmed his heart, almost as if he were being entrusted with a fragile piece of glass.

“Do I disgust you?”

Hyukjae found Donghae with his head bowed and hands wrung tightly together. He trembled, almost as if he were afraid of Hyukjae’s answer.

Hyukjae scoffed and waited for Donghae to look up at him albeit with teary eyes.

“You ask me that now?” He kicked him lightly in the shin, “After you tackle me into the ground and almost break my back?”

Realization seemed to have dawned on Donghae and Hyukjae rolled his eyes and slung an arm over the blonde’s shoulder before he could begin kneeling and begging for forgiveness.

“Look, I know I’ve avoided you a lot lately,” He unconsciously leaned into Donghae’s hair, “but it’s not because of something you did and it’s certainly not because you disgust me.”

Donghae didn’t seem all too convinced as he bowed his head and sighed.

“If it’s any help, Sungmin’s gay too and I’ve been stuck with him since I was ten.”

Donghae stiffened.

“Imagine how awkward I feel when he comes crying to me about boy problems.”

Hyukjae spotted a tiny smile on his lips, though Donghae still refused to lift his head.

“You know,” he ruffled his hair and vaguely noted the dark roots growing out, “it’s been ages since I’ve been to the arcade and I’m in dire need of someone’s to kick in Tekken.”

Donghae blinked, as he was pulled to his feet, barely able to grab his backpack before Hyukjae dragged him through the park.

“Hey!” He stumbled behind him, “Where are we going?”

“The arcade, where else?”

“Class starts in ten minutes, Hyukjae!”

“It’s our last year, we can cut a class or two.”

“Wait!”

“What?”

“Can we play that dancing game too? I’ve always wanted to try!”

“Fine.”

“Wait!”

“What now?”

“My shoelace is untied.”

“Aish.”

Hyukjae let go of his grip on Donghae’s arm and stood with his hands on hips as Donghae bent down to fix his shoe. They weren’t that far off from school yet so Hyukjae could see many people in their uniform walking opposite their direction. He let his eyes roam lazily when he recognized a familiar figure not too far away.

He wasn’t sure what made him panic but his eyes snapped to Donghae who stood up, dusting his pants. Hyukjae tried blocking his view but it was too late and the blonde looked up and broke into a wide grin.

“Won-chan!” He waved to Siwon who was walking to school, “Won-chan! Hi!”

Siwon spotted them and waved back, “Good morning!”

Hyukjae looked from Donghae’s stupid wide grin to Siwon slowly making his way towards them and felt his eye twitch.

“Hyukjae and I are going—”

“Nowhere!” Donghae almost choked as an arm was slung roughly around his neck, so much that his face landed on Hyukjae’s chest, “see you later!”

“Sure but, guys…” Siwon trailed off as he watched them disappear down the street, almost tripping over each other’s feet and laughing to themselves, “…school is this way.”

He chuckled and shook his head, pretending not to notice Hyukjae’s triumphant smirk when he turned back at him.

- - -

He wasn’t all that surprised to see them on the rooftop late during lunch, throwing lettuce and tomato slices across their seats on the ground. But what he was surprised to see were the seven stuffed penguins in red Chinese outfits crowded around Donghae’s lap.

Siwon chuckled before walking up to the two who seemed to have their own world as they chatted, lips grazing their sandwiches as they spoke and their mouths still full.

“Glad you two finally decided to show up.”

“Won-chan!” Donghae grinned and gestured to his penguins, “look what I helped Hyukjae win!”

The slight rise of Hyukjae’s eyebrow was enough for him to know it was the other way around.

“That’s great, Hae.” He chided and pat Donghae’s head, silently relishing in Hyukjae’s accusing stare at his hand, “looks like you guys had fun.”

“Oh, we did!”

Siwon dropped down beside them and took out his lunch, “and did you try that dancing game you’ve always liked?”

Donghae’s wild hand gestures, fist pumps and muffled cries of joy because his mouth was still full were enough to get Siwon laughing.

“Yeah, and he .” Hyukjae said evenly, ignoring the punch he got on his shoulder. “This guy just kept making his own moves whenever he missed a step.”

“That’s not true!” came Donghae’s protest and Hyukjae shielded his face from the bits of sandwich that spewed out of his mouth, seemingly used to the whole ordeal.

“Yes, it is.”

“No!”

“I can imagine that happening, actually.”

“See?”

“Won-chan! Not you too!”

Their laughter echoed throughout the empty rooftop, drowned out by the noise of students downstairs and by the vast blue sky above them that it felt like their own little corner away from high school and expectations and dads who leave and never come back, with the wind in their hair and the smiles of newfound friendship. And as he cracked a smile at Siwon’s joke and he traced Donghae’s jaw with his eyes, Hyukjae thought that maybe, just maybe, he could get used to this.

- - -

“I could get used to this!”

Sungmin stretched and landed happily with his face flat on his desk. They were already a week into October and their teacher called in sick that day and it was on too short notice that no one was able to stand in as substitute. The class erupted into loud chatter, girls cooped up in the corners whispering and giggling to themselves and boys making loud jokes that weren’t all too funny.

Hyukjae had his elbows on his desk and fists curled around his temples as he looked around, silently judging each of his classmates. His gaze reached some girls who shrieked upon eye contact and some guys who made faces at him, until he looked to the back of the room where Siwon quietly sat, reading a…newspaper?

Hyukjae caught his eye and Siwon saluted with two fingers before going back to the headlines for the day. He shook his head at his antics, already quite used to Siwon’s peculiar behavior.

“I never pinned you as Mr. Congeniality before.” Hyukjae turned to Sungmin who witnessed the exchange with a watchful eye, “Back when we were checking out the class lists, I thought you hated that guy.”

“He’s not that bad.”

“He seems pretty weird to me.” Sungmin glanced back, “I love his face though.”

“Min, pleas