I can hear voices from the outside once again . . . The dense fog of my subconscious is evaporating. A sliver of light appears, the darkness scattering as it grew to wrap around me with its welcoming warmth. At first all I can see is this blinding white light, the back of my eyes hurting from the brightness every so often. I blink once, it softens. I blink again and I'm able to perceive the source of light. It comes from above, the fluroscent lightning in the ceiling of the room I reside in. I blink again, just to make sure. The blur from my vision is gone complete and I see with no trouble. I'm finally awake.

My body still feels a bit foreign to me and I wonder what day it is, how long have I been asleep exactly. I think back and my family comes to mind. Are they still here? By instinct I begin to turn painstakingly slow, grunting slightly as I channel what little strength I have to turn my head. I can see tubes as I turn and I figure out that they are producing the oxygen I'm breathing through my nose. My head . . . . It feels heavier than usual. A few seconds later I am able to see my room, the sunlight from the window on the far left pouring in. Nestled on the cushioned bench against the wall I find my father and sister fast sleep. My father is propped up against the wall while Dami's head lies in his lap. I begin to move my mouth, wanting to say something but midway I feel the stir of another.

I look down my bedside and I'm surprised to find my mother sleeping. Her head is moving a bit and I can see that behinds the hoods, her eyes are moving. Her lips twist in a frown as she murmurs slowly, "Jiyong"

I think she's having a bad dream. Omma . . . Are you dreaming of me? Are you worried? Omma . . . Your son is here, JiYong is right here.

Looking at her, I can feel the hot tears rolling over the bridge of  my nose and down my cheek. I did not mean to put her, them,  through all this. I should have been more careful but I'll dwell on this later. Right now, I just need to let her know. I find that one of her hand is intertwined with mine. My strength is still recovering slowly but I have a little more than before. Still it takes a good amount of concentration for me to try and squeeze her hand lightly.

She is moving again, waking up this time. She lifts head slowly, wiping tears and crust from her eyes with the back of her hand, the other still gripping to mine. Here I try again, curling my finger so that they are pressing agaist her knuckles and squeezing lightly. She pauses for a second, her eyes focused completely on our hands. I can see they are full of disbelief but as they turn slowly and connect with mine I can a wave of relief wash over them. Her tears fall naturally as she squeezes back and moves closer until our foreheads are touching. "Oh JiYong . . . My JiYong. I was so scared."

"Omma . . ." I say. It is painful to speak but I feel my voice crack and I notice it sounds raspy. I want to say more to her but she shushes me, kissing my forehead and asking, begging me to save my energy. For the first time I swallow and it hurts so bad that my vision is blurred by a fresh wave of tears. The edges of my vision  begin to cloud with black again and I know I'm slipping but I fight to stay. It's hard. My mother is caressing my head, her soft whispers lulling me back to sleep. I reach my limit but as I doze off I hear her voice.

"It's alright JiYong. Omma is here."

. . . 

. . .

. . .

. . .

. . .

I wake up again, this time with a jolt. The first thing I see is the ceiling but then someone dips into my perpherial view. The person takes out what looks like a pen but then it pulls back the lids of my eyes with it fingers. There is a click and a light is shined directly into my pupil. I look away, unabale to blink. The person prcoeeds to do the same with the other eye. My ears feel stuffed as they pick up sound waves from a voice. I cannot decipher the words at first but then the haze clears. The light is shut off and I can see once again. "Alright, everything seems to be fine here," says the man. I presume he is the doctor. He's looking at me through thick-rimmed glasses. "Hello, I'm Dr.Lee," the man introduces himself, "I'm going to ask you a few questions okay? We'll make it real simple. I don't want you to speak. Blink once for 'No' and blink twice for 'Yes'. Now could you blink if you understand me?"

I blink.

"That's great. Now I'm going to ask you some general questions. Is your name Kwon JiYong?"

I blink twice.

"Good. You were born August, 18,1988. Is that correct?"

I blink twice.

"Good. You're doing excellent so far. Now answer honestly for me. Do you know why you're here?"

I blink twice.

"You remember the accident you were in?"

I blink twice.

"Alright that's good. I going to trust your answers. So far there are no signs of brain damage," he says this off to the side, a nurse scribbling his words on a clipboard. He looks back at me. "Alright JiYong-sshi, our nurse here is going to adjust your bed so that you can sit up. Is that okay?"

I blink twice.

He smiles before taking a step back to let the nurse get to work. Within a minute I am able to see beyond a horizontal view and take in my surroundings completely. I begin to wonder where my family is as I see their coats slung on the chairs and bench across the room. Dr. Lee answers my inquiry by mentioning my parents and sister would be back soon, they were only out to grab some food. I have many questions to ask on my condition but I don't voice them just yet. Instead I take the time to get used to my body again. I swallow. It still hurts but the pain has dwindled and is more bearable. I wiggle my fingers and toes, lift up my arms and look at my hands, palms out. There's so slight bruising on the back of my hands, the blue and purple blotches running along my knuckles. There are also some bandages on my fingers. Probably cuts from the glass shattering. 

"JiYong-sshi, I would like to take this time to address your condition," Dr. Lee says as he pulls in a mobile stool and takes a seat by my bedside. I don't know why I feel nervous suddenly but I give a small nod and my undivided attention. "Okay now you were admitted in the hospital on April 12th at 9:10PM, brought here after the car accident. Your condition has improved greatly now but you did endure a fatal wond to the throat. You see when you were brought in, you were impaled at the throat by a metal pipette. I won't get into to graphic details but with utmost importance I highly advise that you do not speak for some time. A lot was damaged by the metal and we managed to fix as much as we could but for now you'll just need some time to recover. So please take it easy and refrain from using your voice. It may be damaged permanently but in the worst case scenario you may lose it completely. We can't be sure until after a few months of rest."

"What?" I mouth silently as I register the words slowly. My fingers are now tracing over the bandages around my neck softly but shakily.

My voice could be lost forever. I could never hear myself again, let alone could others. I might never be able to say what I want anymore.

Why now? Why now?! I was so close to telling him everything just to get it off my chest. Now I might never another chance like that again.

My heart begins to swell with resent, denial and regret. I think I might explode but I hold back, only a lone tear managing to escape . I put a lid on it and cover it up because I can't breakdown, not here, not yet. Just as the doctor has finished, my family enters the room. Dr. Lee greet them with a nod and stands. He says, "He can head home tomorrow morning."

. . . 

. . .

. . .

. . .

. . .

Tomorrow morning has come too soon. My sister is helping me dress warmly as the weather is gloomy today. While she places a scarf around my neck I glance out the window. I realize it's raining again, just like the other night. As we exit the hospital together, the cold wind is inviting. Dami has her arm over my sholders lightly as she leads me to my parents' car. There's noise all around me but I am silent. I have not spoken a word, merely nodded to show that I understand. I am upset. I am angry. But I am sad and my heart aches for him.