omg this very cute banner was given to me by shubbydood! thank you so so much for this! ;;

I can’t clearly remember how I came this far. If I close my eyes and recall on that very day i woke up to the life I've never grown to, then none of these ache would be introduced upon me. I never knew that I'd ever experience these inflaming emotions until I stepped out of my dull world. But then, if I hadn’t experienced it, I wouldn’t know that I actually exist, and that I was living, and that there was a painful world far different from what I had.

If I hadn’t known that world, I wouldn’t have known how much I wanted to be in it.

And If I hadn’t known that I wanted it, I wouldn’t have to hurt.

A month of leaving home gave me the certainties that I did the right thing. I can finally breathe from that invisible chain that was choking my neck. But even though I have finally freed myself, the scars are still left imprinted on my skin. But it's okay, better than surrounding myself inside the things that slowly dissolves me.

My grandparents never made me feel like I’m not at home either, in fact; they talked to me more than my own parents had. Being in the countryside, their life is solemnly simple. Grandma loves to grow vegetables on their massive backyard, while grandpa loves to bond with his roosters just within the same backyard too. I actually even started to rake my own vegetable garden, which is mainly of cabbage, because there's nothing else to do. As a matter of fact, it actually fascinates me and I would spend almost half of my entire day hanging around my garden, gazing and watering and all that. More like I'm making it a way to keep myself busy, because I tend to think about Jongin a lot.

I see him everywhere, even when I close my eyes, he's still there.

I can’t understand why it’s so hard for me to forget about him when I can manage to do it on the other painful things. Perhaps my feelings for him isnt just love, maybe there's more to add to that.

During the initial days, I would find tears just falling from my eyes. I have always wondered how it feels like to love, but my first love story cant even be considered a love story because it isn’t even mine at the first place. I deceived myself into the situational filming of hot kisses and warm embraces and got myself carried away of falling deeply for the leading man.

I chuckle bitterly. I will, and always be, eternally stupid.

There are times that I couldn’t sleep, and inevitably, the memories would crash down on me. I smile whenever I remember Tiffany and the Squishies. I can still picture Tiffany's crescent moon smiles, and her bubbly voice. She's a really good friend, and if someday, I'll be able to attain a bestfriend, I want her to be just like Tiffany. I wonder if Suho and Xiumin already got girlfriends too? just like Kyungsoo? because those girls are so lucky to have such dedicated boyfriends.

Sehun crosses my mind too, and whenever I think of him, my heart drops achingly at the bottom of my chest. I have never forgotten his tears, and I think, it will forever be stained in the palm of my hands.  He told me I shouldn’t be sorry for not loving him back, but my heart still breaks because he has always have a special room in my heart, and knowing that that special person is hurting because of me, still hits me like a gun. I’m not the right girl for him, and he is too good for someone I deserve.

And then there's Luhan. I have only managed to call him once when I got here since the signal is incredibly poor in our location. I still have to go to the central market just to get a one bar of signal and so I haven’t gotten the chance to call him every time. He told me he misses me and I told him just the same. He also told me he got his hair dyed ash gray and I requested him to send me a selca, and now it has been my wallpaper since then.

Daddy visited me just a few days after I got here. He was overly convincing me to go back, and he was still thinking that he's the reason that I left. I assured him that I was fine and I loved him a lot. Dad didn’t take long and had to leave immediately. Before he left, he gave me a box of homemade brownies. The brownies looked a little bit wrong just when I found out that Jaera baked it for me. I had never stopped smiling that day.

I have been doing just fine. I’m just waiting for the time that these memories will finally be just memories and the feelings will haunt down no more.

*

I left for the central market alone to buy twines for my upcoming tomato garden. Grandpa asked me to buy feeds for his chickens, and Grandma also added thread balls on the list cos she's going to teach me how to knit. I feel really ecstatic as I stroll alone and marvel over the simplicity of their marketing community. Everything is beyond affordable that I take around to buy fruits too.

As I leave the market, I immediately journey down like a kid to my grandies house. Close enough, I shout, "Grandmaaaaaa I'm  hooo—"

When I suddenly lose the ability to breathe.

I stand, rooted on the ground, when my mind comes into a chaotic throbbing.

Ugh.

I am seeing him again.

But this time, my imagination is likely in full blast because he seems so real. Jongin is standing in a small distance across me and his flesh seems to be really palpable, cos usually when I imagine him, he's a bit ambiguous and he disappears right away.

Jongin is breathing calmly, despite the intensity in his dark eyes. My heart starts to pound in a wild beating and I hate myself again for imagining him from out of the blue. Can he stop looking at me that way?

Ugh. Can my imagination stop now?

I blink rapidly, waiting for him to disappear but he isn’t. He still remains there, standing in front of my eyes, looking seriously back at me. I can hardly keep my breath even as my chest heaves painfully forward and back. I whimper as I mumble "Stop stop stop stop now, ohmygod." relentlessly.

My imagination is starting to really creep me out so I spit a helpless groan and walk passed the object of my imagination.

"Are you just going to ignore me?" Jongin says all of a sudden, and my eyes widen as I stop. The beating in my chest is so fast I think I'm really going crazy for imagining way pass to this point. Seriously, I clearly heard his brood voice and this is actually the first time that my imagination blasted to my auditory senses! I think I should get some sleep I'm going insane!

I attempt to walk again when he shouts, "Yah!"

I bite my lip as I grow more and more frustrated with myself. I reluctantly turn towards him, amused on how concrete my delusions could lead. I take reluctant steps, approaching him slowly and slowly, until we're face to face. God he's clearly not vanishing.

I stare at his painfully handsome face and