A part of me has collapsed from the cognition of my sister before me. I always pray for this moment to come, but now I can’t even pull my lips to smile. I loathe what I am feeling. I’m not prepared of facing her yet, now that I found out that I'm unintentionally betraying her by falling in love with the person she owns in the first place. But maybe the timing is just right, so that she can save me from falling further and making a bigger mistake.

I wish that I’m just mistaking my feelings for Jongin, but just thinking about him right now hurts deep down my chest and I know I failed,  I failed on what Sehun asked me to.

I have fallen for Jongin after everything.

Jaera extends her arms expectantly. I lose the ability to move. I’m so ashamed of facing her. She quirks an eyebrow and pouts at me, "Where's my welcome hug?"

My mental capacity just shatters when she walks towards me and envelops me in a comforting embrace. Being able to hold her like this seems surreal, but it is melting my troubles, somehow. I don’t deserve a hug from her, but I have been yearning for this for a very long time. When was the last time we hugged each other? It felt like ages ago. Jaera had always hated me for being an overall disgrace in our family. Now she's acknowledging me so warmly, and nobody knows how hard I've been wishing for this to happen all those years. I'm not screwing this up.

I have to stop my heart.

When she finally backs away, she runs her smooth hands along my arms while giving me a very stirring smile. Is this really happening?

"So how was school today? How was Sehun?" She begins, shaking me delightedly.

"Huh? Uhh, Sehun? S-Sehun's fine."

"Tell me about it! I can’t believe he'd ever join the Spring Pageant! Like, how on earth did that happen?!"

"Well uhh.."

"Cmon Jaemi-yah!" She pouts with eagerness and I’m somewhat taken-aback with her questions.

"I d-don’t really know w-why.." 

"Gosh! Is he nice to you? Or does he even speak to you? Or has he ever engaged a conversation with you or something??"

"Well we have talked,"

"Really??!" She yelps in amusement. "Like what? What did you guys talk about?!

Her enthusiasm is way disturbing and unjaera-like.

“Uhh, just... things.."

"What things??"

"Y-You know, stuff… a-about the contest.."

"Ohmygosh so he's really talking to you? Like talk, more than one question, one answer??"

"Y-Yeah?"

"Ohmygosh I'm gonna find that out!" She blabbers to herself.

As the maids call us for dinner, Jaera pulls me so cheerfully to the dining room and sits across me. She has never been this excited before.

"Oh by the way Jaemi, I brought you dresses and books and mega expensive chocolates, you'd love 'em!"

"Really? T-Thank you..."

"You're welcome! And by the way mom wants me to tell you that she misses you a lot." She says it with a stress on the last word, and then, she winks.

My eyes widen impossibly and my mouth drops in utter disbelief. Mom found out?! I stare perplexedly at Jaera's beautiful face, and she gives me a knowing nod.

"Really?!" I mouth.

"Mothers." She shrugs, expressing bizarre amazement too.

I bite my fingers when Jaera starts to serve herself dinner (which are of vegetables and fruits only) and passes the rice to me. I give her a curt smile before taking the bowl. She's impossibly nice I can hardly believe it.

"So tomorrow do you still have practice?" She asks.

"Uhh yeah, final rehearsal... "

Jaera nods her head in slow elation. "Alright, I have already informed Victoria about the pageant so everything's gonna be super smooth by Wednesday."

"Right."

"So how’s Sehun in practice? Did you guys get closer?" Jaera smiles expectantly.

"C-Closer? Uhh.. y-yeah, I guess?"

"Like seriously?"

"We're partners, so we're always together just like the others—"

"Always together!" She holds her chest for a moment before letting out a deep breath.

"Yeah?"

Jaera squirms cutely, looking at me while thinking about something. "Well since I'm here now, you don’t have to put up with school anymore twinsis. I'll do the final rehearsal."

My heart stops, "But—"

"I'm okay! No jetlag, no whatever. Don’t worry."

I feel my heart squeeze a little. This is a sudden goodbye. I thought I still have a day left, but my time's up.

"A-Alright..." I try to smile.

"So.. Were you nice to Sehun? You weren’t that awkward with him, right? I mean Sehun's really intimidating..."

Oh no. What will I say? Should I tell her that Sehun knows about the truth? I bite my lip. But Jaera's just starting to like me and I wouldn’t want to disappoint her in any way possible. I want to make her proud of me as she is right now. I don’t want her to realize that I'm still a failure. What should I do?

"Uhh Jaemi? Did you hear me?" Swaying her hands in the air, Jaera throws me a probing look.

I chortle for cover. "Yeah! yeah, I heard you… Well I was 'nice' to him, I think?"

"He wasn’t annoyed with you, or anything?"

"A-Annoyed?" Yes. A lot. Sehun is actually beyond annoyed about me but I won’t admit that to her. "Ha! No, he wasn’t! We were... we were… okay."

"Ohmygosh that's so good to hear!"

I chuckle faintly and chew on my food. Isn’t she going to ask about her boyfriend at all? Didn’t she miss him? Why does she keep on asking about Sehun, and Sehun, and Sehun only?

"Uhh Jaera?"

"Hmm?" She looks up.

"Aren’t you going to ask… about… you know?"

"You know? Huh?"

"You know.." I say slowly.

"Oh! Tiffany?" She perks.

I sigh wearily.

Eventually, Jaera lay-lows her questions about Sehun and tells me about her stay in London. She tells me about those designer bags and expensive brands that I can hardly spit the correct pronunciation in my tongue. She tells me about the places and the lifestyles, and how she wants to live there for good in the future. She tells me about mom and all their lovely moments. I just simply look at her, and I feel happy seeing her happy. Talking with Jaera for the whole evening is like a dream come true for me, I’m totally in awe of how things can change between us. I hope this is for keeps.

Everything's going to be okay, I guess.

It’s by the time I lock the door in my real room that the melancholy comes rushing back to me. My life is going back to the way it was, but why do I feel that I don’t want it anymore? I can almost forget what my life was back before pseudo-jaera. Perhaps I just got… carried away by the events that happened. I experienced to have lovely friends, to talk to people, to have company, to be admired and cherished, to go to places people my age go to, to be beautiful, to be wanted…

To fall in love..

But they were just a demo, like a trial version in the computer games—all of them weren’t for real.

And I don’t deserve the beauty of Jaera's life, because I'm not Jaera, I'm a loser. I am far from her; she's perfect, she's famous, she's confident. She built that perfect life. She's someone I can never be. Even if I try to live the way she does, I'll never achieve those things. I'm always not good enough and this is what I deserve. I deserve to be hidden inside this place, inside this room.

I curl myself on my bed, cradling my thoughts inside a blank reverie and timelessness.

Yet all of a sudden, my phone buzzes. I peek at the name, and it’s Jongin calling. I check on the clock, and it’s already late at night for a phone call but I answer it nonetheless.

"H-Hello?"

The first thing I hear is the noise on his background. "Baby! We're having a party right now! Come over!" He yells.

I’m slightly taken-aback. "Huh? B-But its—"

"You should be celebrating with me why did you go home so early?! You really are confusing!"

My face contorts and my eyebrows crease together. He sounds so different and audacious, and for a moment I doubted if I really am talking to Jongin.

"Jongin are you drunk?"

"No I'm not drunk? What makes you think I'm drunk?"

"Cos you sound a bit weird."

"No you’re the weird one, one moment you make me feel that you like me, then you don’t, then you like me, then you don’t—"

"Jongin,"

"My crew won the dance contest." He changes the topic, "You don’t even know, huh."

"Oh, I'm sorry," I halt, "c-congratulations?"

"Come here. I want you here."

"B-But it's too late to go out—"

"I want my girlfriend right now, where's my girlfriend—"

He’s definitely drunk. I can hear sounds of laughter on his background; they are loud and boisterous, even Jongin sounds like he's stifling himself of laughing too.

"I… I can’t, Jongin. I'll just make it up to you tomorrow, or some other time n