Chapter 2: HIS

 

YONGHWA’S POV

 

Have you ever felt so tired that just one move your body would slowly crumble? Like any minute the strong grip that you try so hard to maintain just kept on loosening and loosening?

 

When I received the mission envelope I felt happy. I’m going to meet Seo Joo Hyun once again with all the craziness of my schedule. But when I read its contents, my heart felt like it suddenly stopped. I’m going to see her... Yes... but... but... it would be our last.

 

That day, despite my busy schedule and my status as a new artist, I marched to our management with one goal in mind. I need to change their minds. I can still film. I can make my schedule flexible enough to continue this.

 

 

I can do it...

 

 

“Sangjangnim, I can keep doing We Got Married. I’m sure I can handle it. Hyunnie... Seo Hyun-shi would take care of me and I promise I would too.” I remember that I kept on asking and asking and asking, but the decision is final and I can’t do anything about it anymore.

 

Somehow I’ve felt like I’ve let her down. And with all the things I have lost... the letter... the trust during the mildang... the gogumas... the scarf... I’ve finally lost the most important of them all... HER.

 

 

 

HER

 

 

 

HER

 

 

 

HER

 

 

 

When I told the CNBlue guys about this, they just turned silent and clapped my back before leaving me in my own world. There was no, “It’s alright, hyung or it’s all just pretense, you can move on”. Just silence and understanding of how much it hurts.

 

I tried to drown myself from work to forget things. To make my mind move away from the idea that Hyun and I would be apart. I would tire myself endlessly until I can feel my brain numb. I don’t want to think anymore.

 

 

NUMB

 

 

 

 

 

NUMB

 

 

 

 

 

NUMB

 

 

 

I was trapped in my own world when Jungshin suddenly entered my room and glared at me. “Hyung! Seriously, I have enough of you feeling sad and all.” He told me that I couldn’t help but gape.

 

“Yah! Who are you talking to?”

 

“Aish! You! My uncool leader!” he said. “Hyung, instead of thinking that you and hyungsoonim will end, think of it as a start! WGM might end but the decision to end your connection is in your hands. Seriously, hyung, sometimes I wonder who’s the eldest between the two of us.”

 

And for the first time, since I read the mission I laughed. Genuinely laugh.

 

“Are you going mental, hyung?” Jungshin asked but I only shook my head and gave him a brotherly hug before kicking him out my room. I’m glad I have them as my band mates, as my brothers...

 

 

 

 

March 14...

 

 

White Day (Our end)... 

 

 

This is one of the special days for couples to spend time with each other.  This is the time where I swallowed my pride as a Busan man once again for a certain girl. She may not notice it, but the cookies I’ve given her were made by me with my bandmates and manager laughing at my expense. But it was worth it. Everything is worth it for Joo Hyun.

 

This is also the first time she’s going to spend her White Day with a guy. Call me selfish but somehow I’m happy with the fact that until the end I’ve spent all her first. I want to be the guy who would make her experience her every “firsts” that would maybe... just maybe let her not forget me.

 

I’m selfish that way. I don’t want to share Joo Hyun with anyone. I want her to think that when someone gives her a couple ring, her Yong oppa also gave her one before. I want her not to forget me.

 

 

SELFISH

 

 

 

SELFISH

 

 

 

SELFISH

 

 

 

Seeing her in her own world as we wait for our money to be withdrawn, I can’t help but try to stop myself from reaching out. Swallowing an invisible block in my throat I called her softly, “Hyun! We need your signature for us to withdraw our account.

 

"Thank you, Yonghwa-shi, Seohyun-shi. I hope you would once again transact with us." the teller told us and Hyun returned it with a soft "De." 

 

I then slowly roll our bills and face her, "So, how are we going to spend our money? How about we run away, Joo Hyun?" 

 

Run away with me Joo Hyun. Away from everything. Just you and me...

 

"Eh~ Don’t joke like that, Oppa!" she whined which I only returned with a smile.

 

But I’m not joking. I’m serious Joo Hyun.

 

Can’t we just...

 

 

 

 

Run away?

 

 

 

But I guess I need to stop being selfish. Right Hyun? Oppa should stop stealing everything from you...

 

After a few hours, we met again. In the MBC lobby. The place that started it all. The place when I first met someone like you. And somehow, I felt weird. I was moving around seemingly bored waiting for you but I’m not. I’m going to miss thinking when I would see you once again while I think of how you would greet me. How you would smile at me. How your eyes would light up.

 

 

I’m going to miss everything. I’m going to miss you, Hyun.

 

 

"Oppa! Aren't I going to pick someone who is going to be my husband?" she asked and I look at her incredulously.

 

"Yah, Hyu~n. You don't need to choose anymore because no matter what happens, you'll always choose me. I know you that way." I told her confidently but deep inside I was uncertain. I’m not so sure anymore.

 

She then laugh at me and I can’t help but scoff. Her laugh...

 

 

 "Come on, Joo Hyun. Give me your blanket!" 

 

 

"But Yong Oppa, what if I don't want to?"

 

 

"Jashik! If you don't give me that blanket I'll steal it!"

 

 

"I'm just joking, Yo~ng."

 

 

"Aish! Seriously, Hyu~n, you are giving me a heart attack." I told her and I held her blanket as if it’s the most important thing in my life. I guess it somehow is because this proves everything. It’s the proof that you chose me...

 

Me…

 

And suddenly uncertainties crept in my heart, "Joo Hyun, if you ever turn back time... Would you still choose me?" I could feel her stare bore into mine and for the first time I can’t look straight at her eyes. I’m afraid of what she would say...

 

Afraid…

 

Besides, I’m just Jung YongHwa...

 

 

COWARD

 

 

 

COWARD

 

 

 

COWARD

 

 

“De, Oppa. I'll still choose you." Her soft voice entered my senses and I suddenly can’t stop myself as I cover her eyes. I slowly envelop her shoulder and whisper a soft, “Jashik”. I’m happy... Thank you, Hyun...

 

We then went to FNC building and we talk about some random things. I think this would be my most despised and loved room of the building. It has too many memories…

 

When she told me that she didn’t use her guitar, I felt a little down. That guitar is important for us (for me). Though, it’s a bit strange when I strum her guitar and found it tuned. Is she teasing me once again? Hyun-choding?

 

I then slowly strum the guitar of one of the most played song I’ve done, “Falling Slowly. “

 

“Oppa, let’s play it!” she told me and I just can’t say no.

I don't know you

But I want you

All the more for that

Words fall through me

And always fool me

And I can't react

And games that never amount

To more than they're meant

Will play themselves out

 

Take this sinking boat and point it home

We've still got time

Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice

You'll make it now I don't know you

 

 

The song finally ended and I look at her. She has this slight mist in her smile and I don’t know what to do but joke around. Don’t cry, Joo Hyun. I promise myself to not let you cry...

 

She was singing one of my favorite SNSD songs when CNBLUE boys suddenly entered. Those punks really know when to ruin a moment, but I’m happy because they accepted Joo Hyun in their life.

 

They finally bid their farewell and Jungshin suddenly joked, “Hyung, don’t do anything weird.”

 

“Yah!” I screamed at him. Aish! That little punk. Jonghyun and Minhyuk then dragged him, thinking that I might kill our maknae.

 

They finally bid their goodbye but what they told Seo Hyun struck me the most,

 

“CAN WE STILL CALL YOU HYUNG-SOO-NIM?”

 

I suddenly think that she became such a large part of our lives that even my brothers can’t seem to let her go. I’ll even bet my omonim would cry her heart out when she knows that her one and only daughter-in-law is ‘divorcing’ his son.

 

“Are you alright, Hyu~n?”

 

Pause. “Yes, Oppa.”

 

Somehow, I don’t want to believe her but I let it go.

 

“I’m glad.” I then went to fetch my guitar and sat down. I was thinking of what I would sing for her a few days back and I just think this fit us. Besides... it is written for her...

 

When I first saw you, it was like a dream

Because of your smiles which are like that of an angel

If this you could become my love, what would I do

Just thinking about that had me feel so happy

 

I will let you know

I’m imagining you

Imagine you looking at a smiling me

You who are holding my hand~ Oh~ Oh~

Under a spell you become my love

Imagining you, imagining you sleeping in my arms

You’re kissing me~ Oh~ Oh~

Imagining sweetly

 

In a white house on a small green green hill

We are sitting on a yellow swing

I serve you morning coffee when you wake up in the morning

 

I imagine to be with you every day

Imagining myself holding you~ Oh~ Oh~

Imagining sweetly

 

Every day we can imagine our being the other’s half

We imagine that we become more and more alike

My dream will come true

 

I love you, be my love

I love you, I pluck up my courage and confess

Oh~ oh~

You’re my imagine love

 

Once I’m done I look at her expectantly.

 

“It was great, Oppa.”

 

“Jashik."

“I really love this song Oppa. Seriously. I would even add it to my collection of songs from CNBlue."

"Promise?" I gave her my pinky and she hooks it into mine.

"Promise."

"Joo Hyun... Joo Hyun..." Promise me that you won’t forget Oppa. Promise me that no matter what happens I’m important to you. Promise me that Oppa will always remain important to you.

Promise me, Hyun.

"De..."

I shook my head to clear all those thoughts and smirk, "It's nothing. So what did my buin prepare for me?"

"Ehh~ Why do you think I prepared something for you?" I pouted at her that I know she can’t resist.

"Yah! I'm expecting a lot from you Hyu~n."

"I'm just joking, Yong-choding." She then went to fetch her guitar and slowly strum the familiar chords.

…YOU?

The first day that we met, I still remember that awkward meeting.

What words should I say, how should I reply.. I really worried a lot.

But a day passed, and then a month, and now a year,

I won't be able to forget those precious memories and have a final thing I want to say.

We will be able to speak banmal even though it's a bit awkward and unnatural.

Instead of thank you (formally) should I say it a bit more casually (banmal)?

We will be able to speak banmal, as I slowly draw closer.

Now, I will look into your two eyes and say it.. I love you.

I can’t remove my eyes from her. Joo Hyun-na! Joo Hyuy! You... Sigh. Be a man, Yonghwa. Don’t cry. It felt like a hand is squeezing my heart. It’s so hard to breath.

What did you do to my heart, Hyun?

"Hyu~n! You're really a genius! So pretty! Like a Goddess" And I clap and clap and clap. Those are the words that I can only say. I may be good at creating lyrics but I’m not good at stringing words to tell.

Banmal. I can’t help but feel my lips quirk a bit. She’s really cute with her attempts to talk to me. She may seem awkward but for me...

 

She’s beautiful...

 

PRETTY

 

GODDESS

 

ANGEL

It was nearing 4:00AM and the filming is about to end. As I was driving her home, we are having fun exchanging small talks. Never once did we encounter an awkward silence. In my heart, I hope that time would just slow down and stop. That someone would be kind enough to let us remain like this.

“What are you going to do, Seo Joo Hyun? What are you going to do with your life without me? It's boring.” What am I going to do now? Without you my life would lost its color.

“I know...” I know...

Silence.

I couldn’t help but feel a little nervous on what I’m going to do but if I want us to continue. I must do this...

“Hyu~n. Give me your hand.”

She reluctantly gave me her hand and I can’t help but soften. Somehow, until the end she amuses me and she makes it so easy to read her.

"I'm not going to return MY ring, Joo Hyun. You gave this to me so basically I own this." I told her, "Didn't I told you already? No one knows you like I do." She then hit me in my shoulder and this time I release a real laugh. Joo Hyun and her strength...

I then held her hand and slip my gift into hers and I laced my fingers not wanting to let go, “It's my gift to you, Hyun but don't look at it until we part. Thank you for being a part of Jung Yonghwa's life."

 

04:00 AM

 

We finally arrive in front of her door. This time everything finally sinks in.

"I guess this is the en-" 

"No Hyun... This is goodbye to our virtual marriage but, it will be the start of our real journey. " I told her. It can’t be our end. I just can’t go back. I’m sorry for being selfish once again but I just... can’t.

It’s now or never. I then hold her hand and stepped back and bow, "Annyeonghaseyo, Jung Yonghwa imnida." 

Please answer, Seo Hyun.

"It's nice to meet you. I'm Seo Joo Hyun... makne-... no... I mean I'm Seo Joo Hyun.... just Seo Joo Hyun." 

Smile. "Joo Hyun... I hope we would become very good friends." And hopefully something more. I really hope.

I once remember saying goodbye to my parents in Busan hoping to reach my dreams here in Seoul. That time, it hurts to let go but this time as I look at her retreating back, I felt like the strong grip I’ve tried to keep on holding is slowly loosening. And when she finally disappears from my sight, I crumbled. I thought...

 

 

I just let you go, Joo Hyun?

 

 

Step by step, I feel like my tired body is slowly shutting down. Shakily, I entered my car and rest my head to the wheel and I broke down. Hidden from everything. I cried.

 

 

It hurts

 

 

 

It hurts

 

 

 

It hurts

 

 

Taking a large gulp of air, I stare at the road in front of me. I hope she have read my letter. Joo Hyun, I’ve given you my everything. It’s now up to you if you would still accept me.

 

Smiling at my bitterness, I started my car and drove home. Besides, I need to sleep now so I can call her tomorrow.

 

This would be the start Joo Hyun.

 

Our start.

 

-----

 

TBC