We sat there in momentary silence, watching as the sun slowly merged with the earth. Both of us with our eyes focused on the changing colour of the sky; hands kept to our sides as we tried to steady our breathing.

               

                It was the day that we both feared but also anticipated. I wasn’t expecting to be this calm, but after being around him for so long, his serenity influences you. Many things about his personality can affect you – the way he exuberates his confidence, his endless patience and his gentleness. There were a hundred things about him that I envied, countless talents that I wish I had. That was probably the reason why I was so attracted and intrigued by him. He was great in everything he did.

 

                Taking in a deep breath, I closed my eyes. Soon, I felt his fingers interlace with mine own. I heard him swallow and sighed himself.

 

                “Are you sure –“

 

                “I’m happy to be with you right now,” I said, opening my eyes, trying to avoid looking at him. “In this moment, I’m happy. That’s all.”

 

                I could feel the pounding of my heart in my chest. I wasn’t lying, nor was it the entire truth. I was happy to be with him, but I was also saddened at the fact that this was our last time together. I felt him lightly squeeze my hand, causing me to turn to look at him. He looked at me with those soft brown eyes and I knew I wouldn’t be able to last any longer.

 

                I stood up, letting go of his hands and wiped mine own on my pants. He stood up after me and I sighed, mustering up all my courage to look up at him.

 

                “I just wanted to tell you that I’m so proud of you,” I said, swallowing that feeling of wanting to sob. I grabbed his hand instead, unable to look at him straight in the eyes. I played with his fingers, those fingers that caress my face ever so gently; these hands that always cupped my face before he would kiss me with those soft velvet lips. “I am so, so proud,” I felt the tears coming. “I know that whatever you do, you’ll do great.”

 

                I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath. After letting out that breath, I felt him let go of my hands, reaching up to my face. Soon, I felt his lips touch mine and the tears just came down. This was the last time I would ever be able to feel these lips against mine. Soon, they’ll be singing for thousands of people; thousands of admirers.

 

                Realizing that I wouldn’t be the only one who would hear his voice anymore, I pulled away from him. I pulled something out of my bag, a present I so neatly wrapped before meeting with him. “Don’t open this until you get home, okay?” I wiped my tears away.

 

                I heard him sigh, saying my name under his breath. He was about to say something else but I stopped him, unable to prolong this heartache I was currently feeling. “I-I think it’s best that we separate now,” I smiled, looking up at him with tears stained eyes.

 

                “Can we just –“

 

                “Ji, I won’t be able to let you go any longer,” my lips quivered.

 

                Slowly nodding his head, he sighed and wiped my face with his thumbs. “Please don’t cry anymore,” he said, just above a whisper. I nodded my head, counted to three and we both turned around. “So this is it?” I heard him ask.

 

                “This is it,” I repeated. “Goodbye, Jiyong,” I said as I took my steps, walking away from him. It took all my might not to look back, to look at what I was letting go. After that night, I refused to see him.

 

 

 

 

 

                I bit my bottom lip, nervously waiting in line. I mustered up the courage to finally go see him, along with the thousands of other fans he has accumulated over the past years. The doors open and we all file in, showing our tickets for today’s music show program. My heart was racing and my thoughts every where.

 

                What if he sees me? Even worse, what if he doesn’t even recognize me? All these thoughts, worries and fears started creeping up on me as I found my seat near the stage. I began to contemplate on whether or not I should leave because of the anxiety eating up inside me. I was just about to excuse myself to the girls sitting near the end of my row, but the speakers and the show had started. I took in a deep breath and realized it was too late to leave.

 

                The hosts started their interviews with the performers and I found myself calming down a little. I was actually enjoying the performances from the other groups, finding myself singing along to most of them. When I finally let my guard down, an unfamiliar tune started playing and I figured that it was his song. I never listened to any of his solo songs, which is why I had a clue that this would be it. Before I could doubt myself, my prediction proved to be right as I saw him come out on stage, his appearance completely different from what I remembered. His laid back ‘gangster’ attire was replaced with a chic feminine look.

 

                I watched him perform in total awe. This was the first time I have ever seen him perform; live or at all. I had refused to watch him rise to his fame, angry and ashamed at the fact that I felt selfish when he chose his career over me. Seeing him up on that stage performing, I felt even worse about myself because he looked so beautiful up there. He looked so natural and in his element and my heart couldn’t help but feel full of genuine happiness and joy for him. He had done it, despite all the trials and obstacles he had to go through to get to where he was now, he never once gave up.

 

                I watched his body fluidly move to the sound of the music, his voice crisp. It had matured so much from the last time I had heard him sing and the look he would emanate from his eyes; a new found confidence and charisma. It was nearing the end of his song and I hadn’t realized that I was holding my breath for the most of it. Taking in a deep breath of air, his eyes scanned the audience. For a moment, his eyes looked at me before flickering back as if taking a double take. It lingered and I could feel the heat in my cheeks rise, my heart stopping. For that split second – a second that felt like an eternity to me – our eyes connected and I felt that spark ignite in the pit of my stomach.

 

                The song had ended and he went backstage.  The program continued as it was supposed to, him ending up as the last performer. They announced the winner – his stage name. Slowly clapping, I watched him in total awe as he smiled. It’s been a while since I saw him smile and my heart fluttered. He took hold of the microphone, making his speech as his song played in the background for his encore. During his speech, his eyes landed on me, our eyes connecting once again. I ripped my eyes away from his gaze, the feeling of guilt eating me up inside.

 

                Before I knew it, I was out of the place, slowly making my way out of the crowd, his song still playing. I pushed through the double doors, out to the hallway that would take me out of the building. I stopped by a set of stairs, catching my breath, not realizing that I was running. I didn’t know why I was feeling this way – scratch that, I knew exactly why. It was the reason why I had prolonged seeing him for all these years. Those feelings were still clearly there, when I tried so hard to forget about it – him. I thought that by seeing him perform today that I was strong enough to tell myself that I felt nothing for him, no romantic feelings. But evidently, it was still there, strong as ever.

 

                I sighed, closing my eyes as I silently cursed at myself for being such a coward. Before I can do anything else, I heard a familiar voice call my name, sending endless butterflies in my stomach.  I turned around, surprised to see him in normal clothing.

 

                I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out. I just stood there gawking at him. He continued to look at me in surprise, his face looking different from what I remember. He had lost a lot of that baby fat and of course his evidently vibrant blond hair.

 

                “Hi,” he said after a couple minutes of just staring at each other.

 

                I shyly laugh, looking away from him for a brief second. “Hi,” my voice croaks. Another round of awkward silence envelope us. Noticing that we were the only ones in the hallways, I wondered why no one else was coming out.

 

                “D-Did I exit out of the wrong door or –“ my voice slowly droning out as I looked around the hall.

 

                He chuckled lightly and once again, my heart did backflips. “You still have that habit of running off to places you’re not allowed to be in,” he said with his toothy smile.

 

                I shyly scratched the back of my head, embarrassed. Looking around, I realized that I did wander off to some place in the building that I was surely not familiar with.

 

                “I-I guess my mind was preoccupied that I didn’t realize –“ I was cut short when he asked me something I wasn’t prepared to answer. “Why only now?”

 

                I looked at him, speechless. He must have seen the surprise look in my face and furthered his question. “You weren’t there for my debut, concerts or other performances. Why only now?”

 

                “I-I—“ I stuttered, still not sure how to answer him. I gave out a defeated sigh and said, “I wasn’t strong enough – strong enough to see you up on that stage.” He looked at me with those questioning eyes, that innocent childlike expression. “I’m sorry.”

 

                We continued to just look at each other, taking in the features as if memorizing each crevice of each other’s face. I could hear the beating of my heart in my ears, each thump getting louder and louder. I just wanted to run out – out of his gaze and hiding my presence from him.

 

                I was about to say something when he beat me to it. “I miss you,” his voice laced with longing. I felt like my knees were going to give up on me, thinking that this must be a dream. “W-when can I see you again?”

 

                I blinked several times. “W-what?” Then he smiled; that boyish smile that always made my heart melt. He stepped closer to me and my head started to feel light.

 

                “The only reason why you didn’t want to stay together 3 years ago was because you were afraid that you would hold me back, right?” he repeated the words that I had told him before.

 

                “Yes, b-but –“

 

                “Are you seeing someone else?” he blurted. Taken back, I shook my head almost instantly. The thought of being with someone else never even crossed my mind. I just busied myself with school and work, not even having time to meet new people – finding a boyfriend nonetheless.

 

                “Then why don’t we pick up from where we last ended?” he asked with a hopeful smile.

 

                “W-wait – what do you –“ before I could even finish, he planted a quick kiss on my lips, startling me.

 

                “Meet me at our hill at dusk,” he said before giving me another kiss and running away. I stood there, stunned, not knowing if that just happened. “Y-yah!” I yelled after him. “Are you serious?!” still not believing what just happened moments ago.

 

                I saw him look back and wave with a peace sign as he bit his bottom lip. “You better be there!” he yelled back.

 

                I gave out a disbelieved scoffed, still not able to absorb the recent events.

 

 

 

 

 

 

               I trudged up the hill, not sure why I was so hopeful that he would be there. With his busy schedule and promotions, it would be a miracle for him to actually show up. As I neared the top of the hill, I felt a surge of disappointment when I saw no one there. I was half expecting it would turn out this way, but I was also giving him the benefit of the doubt.

 

                I inhaled deeply before slowly letting out a breath as I put my hands in my pocket. I might as well just relish this moment alone to reminisce what was. I stood behind the same bench we had said our goodbyes at, a small smile placed on my lips. It felt so long ago that we had big each other farewell, a different meaning to the both of us. To me, it meant avoiding anything that had to do with him completely.

 

                Feeling the stinging of tears in my eyes, I wiped them away before they were able to fall. I turned around, ready to just go home and end this day. Only taking a couple of steps, I saw a blond head bob its way to the top of the hill. Giving me that toothy smile, he said, “You weren’t thinking of leaving already, were you?”

 

                I stopped in front of him, “I just thought—never mind.”

 

                “You thought I wasn’t going to come?” he read my mind like an open book. I smiled and closed my eyes, ashamed of how he could still read me so easily.

 

                I then felt him grab my hand, placing something in my hand – a book; the same book I had given him when we were last here. I looked up at him confused.

 

                “Turn to the last page,” he said. Doing as he instructed, I opened the old book to the last page, flipping over the pages filled with his writing.

 

“With every ending is a new beginning,

Both of which I wish to share with

You”