Genre: angst
Includes:
Chapters: 5
Status: complete
Characters: SNSD's Tiffany, SuJu's Hyukjae
Summary: The feelings of a secretary who tries to deny her one-sided feelings for her boss, and how she eventually decides to cope with them.

 

 

 

 

 

The title really suits the story and if it came up on recently updated, I would click into it. So I’ve given you full marks here.

 

 

 

 

 

The poster with Tiffany looking lovingly at EunHyuk while he doesn’t even notice, really brings out the angst in this fanfic. Whoever designed it has done an amazing job. The crumpled paper as the background highlights and reminds us that she is a secretary so I reckon it was really clever.

The font you chose was edible and you kept it consistent. I think you deserve full marks in this category as well.

 

 

 

 

 

I really want to give you full marks here too.. but I’m going to deduct a mark because I’ve read some other similar fanfics. But I must say, yours is one of my favourite out of those other stories with similar plots.

 

 

 

 

 

It was simple and short but it did capture my attention; but I think you can improve on this. You could add in a preview or something from the actual story to get your reader more engaged.

The songs from your sound track didn’t disturb my reader at all. I loved the songs. Hehe that means my reading pace is pretty good.

 

 

 

 

 

You characterised EunHyuk really well. During chapter 3, I actually thought that he was cheating on his fiancée. Also, Tiffany’s character is created well too; you made her not selfish at all. But I don’t think anyone would be able to do what she did and just let go without any regret. And this is also the reason I deducted a mark… What she did is too… unhuman like. Us, humans, are selfish.. Some may be able to let go and still continue to help the person you love with the person he loves but trust me, it won’t last long.. And I speak from experience… But to be honest, I loved the character of Tiffany.

 

 

 

 

 

I think you deserve high marks in this section and should be congratulated. This fanfic is amazing and you wrote it out really nicely. Not once through the story did I get bored and want to quit the fanfic. Not every review do I enjoy the fanfic. Sometimes I need to force myself to finish it or scan read it but yours was just amazing. I read every single word carefully and because I didn’t notice too many spelling/grammar errors, I have pointed them all out for you.

 

 

 

 

 

Your chapters were all well connected but I think there is still improvement that could be made. I don’t think I’ve ever come across a fanfic which had the PERFECT flow.. 9 is already a really good score though.

 

 

 

 

 

You’ve kept your writing in present tense all throughout and I really think I need to compliment you for that. I have never been able to do that before.. It was always easier for me to write in past tense and I would always swap between tenses but you have successfully kept it the same.

I deducted a mark because your story was telling, not showing.. Telling is like saying, “The sun shot on him and he was sweating.” Showing is like saying “He was glowing under the sunlight. Droplets of sweat rolled down his face, making him shine in the sunlight.” Okay.. sorry for my bad example.. I’m a really bad writer.. But I hope you get what I mean. Almost all the fanfics I’ve read on AFF are telling.. Maybe because a fanfic is different to stories but it would’ve been much more interesting if you were showing the reader. When you show the reader something, it stays with them and they can relate to it more; while if you tell them, it just stays in their mind.. After a while, they may even forget about it. I guess this isn’t too important because even the best fanfics are showing so I only deducted a mark.

The other mark was deducted for your spelling/grammar. Your spelling and grammar was really good. There were only some small errors that I found every now and then. Some were just typos. There were no errors in the and final chapter. Here are some corrections~

Original ~ walking through the door located to the right behind it

Correction ~ walking through the door, located behind it to the right.

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It just makes more sense and the sentence flows more if you rearrange it. These corrections are from chapter 1; until I state otherwise. I’m doing them as I read so that means they’ll be in order. When you go back to your story and correct these errors, just use ctrl+f and type in whatever was the original. Then change that..

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Original ~ But as soon as I hold out one of the beverages in my hand, he perks up a bit and eagerly takes it, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down when he swallows.

Correction ~ But as soon as I hold out one of the beverages in my hand, he perks up a bit and eagerly takes it; his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down as he swallows.

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You put in too many commas in this one sentence and I just thought a semi-colon (;) would make the sentence better. Also, as will sound better in the sentence than when.

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Original ~ I slump into the gray computer swivel chair located behind my desk

Correction ~ I slump onto the grey computer swivel chair located behind my desk

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I think you meant onto instead of into? It’s just one letter difference so I’m thinking it’s a typo? And also, if you’re talking about the colour, it’s “grey” not “gray”

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Original ~ Besides, such a relationship would be weird, uncomfortable at the least.

Correction ~ Besides, such a relationship would be weird, or uncomfortable at the least.

~ Besides, such a relationship would be weird; uncomfortable at the least.

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You can use either a semi-colon instead of the comma or add in “or”. The sentence that you originally wrote didn’t really sound right…

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Original ~ Workplace lovers aren’t forbidden, but looked down upon as distracting and unnecessary

Correction ~ Workplace lovers aren’t forbidden, but are looked down upon as distracting and unnecessary

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Just an extra “and” in there will make the sentence a lot more better

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Original ~ There it is,” I point, but quickly decide to bend over and pick it up myself.

Correction ~ There it is,” I point before quickly deciding to bend over and pick it up myself.

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The but in the sentence didn’t make sense.. And there would be too many and’s if I used and instead so I changed it slightly. Starting from now is chapter 2 corrections.

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Original ~ I chide myself for feeling this self-pity

Correction ~ I hide myself for feeling this self-pity

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Once again, probably just another typo

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Original ~ I spend the time mostly listen ingto the hum of the elevator gears turning

Correction ~ I spend the time mostly listening to the hum of the elevator gears turning

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Just another typo.. From here on these are from chapter 4.. You did a pretty good job with the chapter

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Original ~ and give him the comfort he needs, but hold back.

Correction ~ and give him the comfort he needs, but I hold back.

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Just an extra “I” here needed to make it flow. This is the last spelling/grammar error. Chapter 5 was also written really well with no errors.

 

 

 

 

 

I did enjoy reading it. I started it today and finished it all in one go. If I start it and it’s good, then I MUST finish it. hehe good job!!

 

 

 

 

 

You deserve full marks here. I really started crying in the last chapter because I really could relate to how Tiffany was feeling.

 

 

 

 

 

I really enjoyed reading your fanfic. Throughout the fic, I really hoped that EunHyuk would wake up and realise that Tiffany had been there for him the whole time but I guess not everyone ends up with the person they love..

Overall, it was amazing. I think I’ve said everything I needed. You did a really good job ^-^ Continue to write and keep up the good work~~ 94% had got to be the highest mark I’ve given out for a review; but I’ve only reviewed like 3 fanfics? I just decided to apply as a reviewer yesterday :3 anyways I’m going off track again.. I tend to do that a lot? ._. ANYWAYS!! Once again, GOOD JOB!! :D

Thanks soo much for requesting!! Sorry for my bad review >.< I’m only a newbie at reviewing.. If you have any questions or are unhappy with this review, please don’t hesitate to comment below or message me.