“Do you have everything?” you ask, watching Siwon pack his suitcase. One has already been filled, and he is on to the other one. Not much of his clothes are left now; just a few more pants before everything of his in the apartment you two once shared will be gone.

The thought hurts you so much that you have to look away, blinking back your tears, trying to remind yourself that what is happening is for the best. He doesn’t love you like he used to anymore and for you to ask him to continue to be with you despite that is ludicrous. But you want him to stay with you despite this.

You still love him. The words are stuck in your throat, unable to come out, but you know that it won’t hinder him.

However, part of you just wants him to stay, uncaring of whether or not he wishes to be with you. But that is the selfish part of you. The part you’ve tried to keep hidden ever since Siwon first told you he wishes to leave.

“Yes,” he replies, giving you a small, awkward smile before zipping close his suitcase.

Your heart beats loudly as each second passes, knowing that the end is near. Siwon is going to walk out of your life any second now and then you may never see him again. Maybe on TV, during concerts and music videos and dramas, but you will never be able to talk face-to-face again.

The thought makes your throat close and your stomach clench, but you force your face to remain neutral. As if you aren’t hurting. As if you don’t feel so empty, so hollow by the information that the man you love doesn’t wish to be with you anymore.

You’ve never even told him you loved him. Because you’re a coward. Because you’re scared it won’t matter one bit to him.  Because…because your confession won’t matter to him at all. Maybe guilt him into staying for a bit longer, but in the end, he will still leave you one day.

And you cannot keep living with him, scared of when he’ll tell you he’s leaving. It’s best if he leaves now. Or, at least, that’s what you keep on telling yourself.

You continue watching by the doorframe of your shared bedroom as he grabs the suitcase, pulling it off of the bed. He grabs the other suitcase and rolls them both towards you and you move out of the way to give him space to walk out of the bedroom.

“I’m sorry it’s ending this way,” he whispers as he enters the kitchen, where the door to the apartment is located. He pauses near the door and turns to you.

“It’s…fine,” you manage to get out, giving him a small smile. A fake one that’s filled with emotions that you don’t feel. But you can’t tell him the truth. You can’t show him how much it pains you, his choice. “It’s for the best.”

“Yeah, it is,” he agrees. Immediately you feel even more hollow. Like his words are hacking away at you from the inside and there’s nothing you can do to stop him from doing so. Nothing you can do to stop him from leaving.

You quickly walk forward and open the door for him, and he continues to stand in front of you, a suitcase on each side of him.

There is silence as he stares into your eyes while you try your best to bravely keep your eyes level with his. Not to show any weakness. Not to make him feel anymore guilty than he probably already is.

It’s not his fault that he doesn’t love you. And yet…you know that you can’t go on without him. You can’t live without him. In fact, your mind is filled with both happy and sad memories of him, of you, of the times you spent together.

You don’t want your life with Siwon to end, though it has to, because Siwon doesn’t want to be a part of that life anymore.

“This is goodbye, I suppose,” he whispers, walking forward and hugging you. His arms are tight around your waist, immediately filling you with warmth. You bury your face into his shoulder, trying to fight the tears, and wrap your arms around his neck.

This is going to be your last time embracing him. Your last time breathing him in, smelling his cologne, hearing his breath, his heart beating against yours.

Don’t go! You want so desperately to say. Stay with me, please! I don’t want you to go yet. Please give me more time. Please fall in love with me again. I love you! Don’t you see?

But those words you cannot say.

Just like that, the hug is over. Siwon is giving you yet another sad smile that speaks of broken love and broken promises.

He digs into his pocket, grasping your hand and placing something in it. His key to the apartment.

It’s then that you have to stop yourself from throwing yourself at him and kissing him, just to see if that will make realize that there is still love between the two of you, if that will make him stay. You don’t do this, however. For there is no love left in this relationship for him. Even you had felt your relationship weakening, but had been too distracted by life to notice.

It was your fault, you knew. It was something you lacked that Siwon had wanted, which was the reason behind why he was leaving. Something that you can never hope to get. Something that Siwon will eventually find in some other woman, who he’ll one day marry and have a family with.

Someone who won’t be you.

“Bye,” you say, and watch as he grabs his suitcases and walks out the door. Just like that, it’s all over.

You slowly close the door before walking the short distance to your bedroom, all the while clutching onto his apartment key with white knuckles. Treacherous tears slide down your cheeks, but you don’t dare sob.

You walk into the bedroom, staring into the closet that is now only filled with your clothes. However, you open the drawer filled with your shirts and pull out a dark blue one. It’s Siwon’s shirt, not yours. One that he had allowed you to wear once upon a time and you had never returned to him since for one reason or another.

Lying down on Siwon’s side of the bed, you hug the shirt close to your chest and burry your head into the pillow that still smells like your ex-boyfriend.

You aren’t ready for him to leave yet, though he is gone. You still love him, though he doesn’t love you. There’s nothing you can do to mend your broken relationship, and Siwon had never even tried.

You sigh heavily and finally begin to softly sob into the pillow, which muffles your voice. Your all was in him; him who is now gone without even one glance back.

You may never love again.

Written by: Admin M.