2012.10.17

I’m in a white room. To my right there’s a blood pressure machine and on the walls, there are posters and diagrams of the various organ systems of the human body. Behind me there’s a desk, filled with volumes describing the various pulmonary diseases known to man. If you haven’t guessed already, I’m in a doctor’s office. Not the best place a person could be nor is it the happiest but to me it seemed right.

“Mr. Choi?”

“Yeah?”

“Your imaging results are in. After reviewing your CT Scan, and X-Ray, we found considerable amounts of scar tissue in your lungs. Furthermore the Echocardiogram revealed that your lungs are placing considerable amounts of pressure to the right side of your heart.”

“Am I dying?”

“If the amount of scar tissue we found was all there was to the story, we would be able to help you, however, that isn’t the case. The scar tissue is continuing to develop and we can’t narrow down the cause. You have idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis. Normally we would prescribe you corticosteroids and assign you to an oxygen therapy program but your case has progressed beyond these measures. I’m sorry but your terminal.”

“How long do I have left?”

“Two months.”

Two months to live. Two more months of this living hell and I’ll be on the other side, with him. I could finally atone for what I did – for breaking my promise. Perfect.

2010.12.16

Just like any other day, I walked through the automatic doors of the hospital. It’s a cold place – a sickening place. People die here. It’s ing sick. I drag my feet to the main counter and a security guard checks me in.

“Here for Lee Jaejin?”

How did he know?

“Don’t look so surprised. You’ve been coming here every day for the past 2 months kid.”

He has a point.

“Here’s your visitor’s pass. He’s in room 6324, 6^th floor, Intensive Care Unit.”

“Thank you.”

6^th Floor – Intensive Care Unit

I walk through the halls of the unit and finally find what I am looking for. Room 6324. I walk into the room and find him on the bed, pale and skinny. He was always skinny but now, he didn’t even look human. His looks so frail, like a twig that can be snapped at any moment. His arms, being violated by multiple IV lines, and his chest was being violated with stickered electrodes, and his face – that innocent face was now only a shadow of what it once was.

“I must look pretty bad for you to stare at me like that.”

“Is it that obvious?”

“Kind of. But then again, its probably because its me that I can see through you so easily.”

“Tch.”

“Awww don’t be sad. I still have a couple of good weeks left.”

“And I’ll be here every single day until it happens.”

“You don’t really have to…if it’s because you pity me then…”

“I don't. And don’t ever think it’s because I pity you. It’s because you’re my best friend, no my brother, my family. That day when we met in elementary school, something clicked. At first I thought of you as a all brain no brawn kid and you thought of me as a all brawn no brain kid.”

He chuckles.

“Yeah you were an idiot back then.”

“And yet decided to stick to this idiot until today.”

“Of course. If I wasn’t there to offer you intellectual support, I doubt you would have made it passed middle school” he says in a matter-of-fact tone.

We laughed. And then silence enveloped the room.

“Jonghun?”

“Hmm?”

“Thanks for being here with me until the end.”

“No problem. What are friends for?”

He smiles.

“Jonghun?”

“Yeah?”

“One last favor. Do me one last favor.”

“Anything.”

“Don’t leave me. Stay with me until the end.”

“Didn’t I promise you when we first met? I’ll stay with you till the end and more.”

Tears began to form, and one by one, the glass orbs fell, leaving behind a streak of moisture as it traversed its path through his brittle skin. He stared at me and I to him. For a moment, time stopped. Everything had stopped. It was just the two of us and nothing more, however, the moment was short lived as the nurse came in.

“Mr. Choi, visiting hours are over.”

I nod and she leaves the room. As I begin to leave, we share one last look before I finally exit the room. Upon my exit, he gently closes his eyes and drifts off into sleep.

I head over to the cafeteria and look at the menu. Hospital food is never good but anything tastes good when you’re starving. Suddenly a loud announcement is heard over the intercom.

“Code Blue. Room 6324. I repeat Code Blue. Room 6324.”

Without a moment’s notice, I run. I run as fast as I can to his room and when I arrived, I was greeted with the most horrifying sight I could imagine. Physicians and nurses were all over him trying to resuscitate him and all I could do was watch. My mind wanted to jump into that room and hold his hand, telling him everything will be okay but my legs wouldn’t move. As the chaos continued a doctor approached me.

“Mr. Choi?”

I stare blankly at him.

“Mr. Choi?”

He shakes me and I’m brought back to reality.

“Mr. Choi. You need to exit the unit now. We will inform you when we are done stabilizing him. In the meantime please exit the unit.”

I was escorted to the waiting room by a nurse. The room was empty and I – I was just standing there, not knowing what to do. I lost track of time and all that was running in my mind was Jaejin. I had promised to stay with him. I promised to be with him until the end and now, when my best friend, my brother was fighting desperately for his life, I couldn’t support him, I couldn’t even hold his hand. Soon enough, a nurse walked into the waiting room.

“Mr. Choi. The physician would like to see you.”

Fear enveloped every fiber of my being as I was escorted back into the unit. The physician approached me as the nurse promptly made her exit making way for our privacy.

“Mr. Choi. May I ask, where is Mr. Lee’s family?”

“I’m his brother.”

The doctor eyed me suspiciously but eventually gave way.

“I’m sorry Mr. Choi. Around 11:48 PM, patient Lee went into ventricular fibrillation. We immediately initiated compressions and tried everything to resuscitate him but…”

Tears began to well up in my eyes and began to fall uncontrollably. I had lost everything - my best friend - my brother. I was alone, alone on this godforsaken path, this path that we had started together. I was alone. The doctor then took my hand and placed a piece of paper in it.

“We found this in his hand.”

Slowly, I opened the piece of folded paper. Smudge marks were prominent. He must have cried when he wrote this.

Jonghun,

By the time you are reading this, I don’t know whether I’ll be a part of this world anymore but before I depart, there are a couple of things that I want to say.

First off, I want to thank you, I want to thank you for being my friend. I was born to a e mother and drunkard father. Eventually, my father climbed himself into a bottle and killed himself and my mother abandoned me. I was put into a child services program and even amongst the people there – everyone looked at me with pity. But then I met you. You didn’t care about that. You accepted me for who I am and when we promised each other that day when we first met each other to stay by each other’s side until the end of our paths, I was happy. I finally had found what I had looked for so long – I finally had a family. And through it all, you stuck by me like a brother, remaining faithful to our little oath. When others would tease me and call me a sorry mistake, you defended me and when I fell, you were there to catch me. These past years I spent in the company of your friendship were the best years of my life.

Finally I want to say one last thing Jonghun.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t remain faithful to our promise.

Jaejin.

I ran outside. I ran outside into the rain and kept on running, trying to remove myself from what just happened, trying to tell myself that it was just a dream, but it wasn’t. And through it all only one thought encircled my mind.

I’m sorry Jaejin. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you at the end.

2012.12.17

The sun shines through my window signaling morning but I couldn’t care less. The calendar read December 17, 2012. I felt a sharp pain resonate throughout my chest, and like an automated computer, I pressed a button which injected morphine into my system. The pain had been getting worse and eventually I was admitted into the hospital’s Intensive Care Unit – Room 6324. I chuckle to myself. That was Jaejin’s room. I was on a morphine drip. It got rid of the pain somewhat but it didn’t really matter anymore. I was almost there - almost there with Jaejin. I could finally apologize to him for not being there at his end. With that thought, I close my eyes and I drifted off into darkness. Happy Birthday Jaejin. I’ll be there soon.

Epilogue

“So you’re finally here?”

“I’m sorry Jae.

“Sorry for what?”

“Sorry that I couldn’t keep my end of the promise. I wasn’t there for you at the end and I know how much it meant to you.”

“Don’t be. I was the first one to break our promise.”

“But – “

“It’s no use thinking about it now. What matters is that you’re still my brother and I yours, right?”

I smiled. “Right.”

“Well then Jonghun. We’re both here now so let’s fulfill our promise now. Let’s walk until the end of this road together.”

Perfect.