Well it's still me. I think. My name is still L. Joe and I'm now 18, but other than that, I'm not sure I'm the same person I used to be anymore. So many things have changed it's pretty mind boggling. I barely know where to start.

Let's see. Oh I know, Chunji and I made some new friends. At first it was just this boy called Niel. I tell you he is something else. Hyperactive: mind always moving a hundred steps ahead from where he is. I get the impression a lot of people have misunderstood him in the past because of that. They think he can't focus, and evaluate things maturely. But Niel is bright. I swear he sees a thousand different options at every juncture, and makes a snap decision about which one will lead him to his desired outcome.

We're just lucky one of those snap decisions of his was to make friends with us. We ran into him at the park. He lost track of his Frisbee, and the next thing we knew he was talking to us: dragging us into his game. Chunji was really unsettled, but Niel is nothing if not persistent. He said that he liked the way we looked, and so he wasn't going to let us get away from him.

I didn't mind him, I thought he seemed okay, so Chunji tried his best to stay calm in his presence. Niel said that Chunji can come across as a little bit intimidating: very stiff and unfriendly. But he just kept trying to make friends with him, no matter what. Under the constant barrage of attention, Chunji's walls gave way: he got used to being around Niel. He started off small: little laughs and hushed replies, but they received such an exuberant response from the younger boy, it made him grow bolder.

Nowadays Chunji yells at Niel like there's no tomorrow, and they're always laughing and joking with one another. It almost amazes me to think that he's the same person. I've never even known for him to act like that with me, most of the time. If I'm honest I'm a little jealous about it, but not enough that I would ever begrudge Niel anything.

See, Niel was our first friend. But he introduced us to his friend Ricky. Ricky is just as loud and boisterous as Niel is, but where Niel radiates chaotic, frenzied energy, Ricky excretes optimism. You can't help but have a good time around Ricky, even if he is just a little bit in love with his own reflection. Between the two of them, they never fail to put a smile on Chunji's face.

The two of them have just the right personality, to be able to drag Chunji out of his shell, so before long he started to feel comfortable around them too. Who'd ever have thought that something like that would ever happen. I don't think anyone ever predicted that Chunji would ever be able to make friends, besides me.

They had their own friends, that they dragged along, the much quieter Changjo and CAP, and before long we had our own little group. We were always together. Chunji is still very reserved around those two, because he finds them both kind of intimidating. But not enough to dampen his mood. I've never seen him smile so often.

His smile is so pretty.

With so many other friends around, I found that Chunji didn't need me as much anymore. If I was busy he'd go do something with the others. At first, I found the concept a little liberating. It felt nice to know that I could do stuff with other people. Make no mistake I did spend some of that time hanging out with Chunji and Niel and the others. I wanted to get to know them too, to make sure Chunji would be alright with them.

But I guess the years have made me overly cautious because I had nothing to worry about. None of them treated Chunji like there was something wrong with him. They got him involved in their jokes and their teasing, refusing to be put off whenever he had one of his shy turns. They've never treated him like he was a freak or an outcast, and I've never heard any of them have a bad word to say about him, well because of his condition at least.

I think that might be why Chunji flourished so well in their company.

But that was back when I was still good friends with Kwangho, Changsung and Soomin. I took advantage of my new found freedom to hang out with them more often. It was the first time I was ever really able to hang out with them spontaneously, since we'd met. But the extra time spent together led me to a strange conclusion.

I'd always continued to talk to them because we'd met when we were children. I'd been prepared to brush off their discomfort whenever Chunji's name came up, and the odd, tense looks on their faces whenever they saw him around, because I figured they were my friends. I mean, as much as I might have liked for them to be friends with Chunji too, there was no obligation there for them to like him, and I figured I just had to accept that.

But after we hung out more, I started to realise that things had changed.

Like, really changed.

I started to find that we didn't have anywhere near as many things in common as I thought we did. I realised that we had completely different interests: different opinions, about everything. It finally started to dawn on me that whenever we'd spoken in the past, I was just nodding my head to them: agreeing with whatever superficial things they said.

It wasn't like that with the other guys. No matter what we talked about, no matter how trivial and superficial it might be, I always found myself having fun with them. We were always laughing and joking around. We agreed about lots of things, but we disagreed about others enough that we could have squabbles about things too. It was so much better than when I was with the others. Everything felt much more natural.

But that sort of realisation didn't come to me quickly. It was very gradual. I might have preferred to hang out with Niel and the others but I always had a thousand explanations for why that would be the case. I thought it might've been because they liked Chunji too. I thought it might have been the fact that I could hang out with Chunji when I hung out with them. Mostly, I thought it all just came down to the novelty of the situation. I figured things would settle down once we got to know one another better: once they didn't seem new to me.

But I think my inattention to the matter slowed down my realisation as well. See I didn't spend much time really thinking about everything at first. Revelling in my new-found freedom from Chunji, I indulged myself, by spending more time alone with Soomin.

I know it feels so stupid to think I wasted so much of my time then. Suffice it to say my feelings didn't change from spending more time with her. I wish I could say I learned my lesson that quickly. But I was worried about all the experiences I was missing out on, remember? I was so blind and stupid back then.

I actually asked her to be my girlfriend. I wasn't romantic about it or anything, that's not really my style. I asked her through a text message. The fact that I could almost feel her eagerness through a text message makes me feel a little guilty. Because it sure as a heck didn't mean that much to me at the time.

I just wanted to know if it'd feel any different if we were official, you know boyfriend and girlfriend. But she just wanted to spend more time together. I know, I shouldn't have found that surprising and yet, I can't exactly say that I was expecting it. It was weird.

We went out on a few dates. I certainly started to realise what Changsung had been complaining about when he said dates were expensive. I was paying for everything: food, entertainment, and then she'd want other things too. I'd be expected to buy her presents and flowers, for no reason. I've never felt poorer.

I couldn't figure out why anyone would go through so much hassle. I mean, yeah I've always enjoyed going out to the movies and to the park and whatnot, but paying for it all, certainly a lot of the fun out of it. The fact that I had to spend all my time talking to her in a cutesy, lovey-dovey way certainly the rest of the fun out of it.

It was exhausting.

And she always wanted us to go somewhere, or do something together! Like seriously all the time!

I was considering telling her to back up a bit: that I thought we were spending a little too much time together when I got my next first experience. When we got back from one of our dates, she kissed me. Right on the lips.

Well I suppose I can see the appeal of all the dates now, if this was the reward. But it was still a pretty expensive kiss if you ask me. I was pretty stiff, not used to trying to move my lips like that. It couldn't have been that much fun to kiss me. But it was pretty nice I guess.

We kissed like that a few times. I have a feeling that she was expecting me to deepen the kiss at some point, to try pushing further. I was still trying to grapple with the idea of chaste kissing. I mean, removing the surprise out of it, it was just sort of.... flat. It really was just a kiss, and even though it felt nice I wasn't particularly fussed by the thought of being denied one. Something told me that I had missed something important when I realised how I felt.

I mean, everyone makes such a fuss about kissing. Just like they do about being with someone or going on dates. I'd finally experienced all those things, and I really couldn't careless about them. There was nothing that special about them at all, really.

In case you can't tell, I ended up breaking up with Soomin. Or did she break up with me? I don't even really remember anymore, that's about how much it mattered to me. Either way, we weren't together anymore.

Afterwards I went for a little walk, hoping to take my mind off of what happened. I had a feeling that I should feel more distraught over it, than I was. I wasn't sure why it didn't bother me. Until I saw Chunji out with Niel and the others. They didn't see me right away. Chunji was smiling like no tomorrow, surrounded by our friends, enjoying himself.

I always thought he looked pretty like that: when he was smiling. He did it so often, now that we knew them. Whenever I wasn't around, they were there to keep him company. He'd never had so many friends in his life, and I could tell it had done him a world of good.

At the time, I wasn't sure if it was just because of my break up, but seeing him so happy made me feel miserable. It hit me like a bolt of lightening: suddenly I could see what had been going on before my eyes for so long now. Chunji didn't need me anymore. There were plenty of other people just like me who could do what I'd done for him. There were so many people who could fill my space, and make him better than he'd ever been with me.

The thought that he didn't need me anymore made my heart pound in my chest. I knew I could walk over and join them if I wanted to and they would have welcomed me: that Chunji would have welcomed me. But all I could think about was the thought that I might've been holding him back, all this time: that my friendship might have been preventing him from becoming what he is today. I felt like I'd failed him, and that maybe the best thing I could do for him would be to just walk away, now that I knew he wouldn't be alone.

But I couldn't force my legs to move. I didn't want to have to let go of him. I didn't want him to let me go. I couldn't comprehend the idea that Chunji might not need me anymore. Irrational, petulant tears pooled in the corners of my eyes, as hysterical bubbles of laughter threatened to spill from my lips, while I looked at him. It just didn't seem possible. How could Chunji not need me anymore?

When I used to worry about what I would do with my life, he used to joke that he'd hire me to work for his company, and I could keep him company. Part of his working out, had been to ensure he'd have enough money. But it wasn't just for himself. He factored in, being able to provide for me off his money too. Can you believe it? He needed me so much that he'd been planning on paying to keep me to himself since he was 12 years old.

And now I was expected to believe that same boy didn't need me around anymore? I wanted to scoff at the idea as being ridiculous, but I couldn't. My eyes weren't lying to me. They couldn't imagine the look of joy on his face. I could see it written plain on his face. There were no creases from his worry on his forehead. There was no cloudiness to his eyes, that would mean he was thinking about a million things no one else would ever see. He was completely in the moment: without a care in the world, laughing with his friends: without me.

You can't argue with that. Or at least, I certainly couldn't.

Chunji might not need me anymore, but I couldn't imagine my life without him. He was so much a part of me and my dreams and everything in my life, that I couldn't let him go. I needed him. I loved him dearly, and I couldn't stand the thought of losing him after all the years we'd been together.

I think that was the first moment that it started to sink in to me.

I'd said that I loved him. And I think I meant it. I was pretty certain about it, but there was only one thing that would confirm it for me. Just thinking about what I did makes my cheeks flush: I can't believe I did anything so reckless, or stupid, but I wouldn't change it for anything.

I stalked right over to them, face completely blank. Chunji said that he thought I looked angry, like I was going to slap someone or something. His heart started pounding because my gaze was fixed on him, never wavering, and he was petrified by the thought that he might have done something to anger me, when I was supposed to be on a date with my girlfriend.

He said I never even blinked.

He closed his eyes, in expectation of a hit or something, but instead I grabbed him by the ears, tugging him forward, and kissed him right on the lips, in the middle of the street. I couldn't even hear the whoops and guffaws of our friends, and I never noticed the way they scrambled to circle us so passers-by wouldn't be able to see what we were doing.

The kiss was just as chaste as those I'd shared with my girlfriend, and yet there was something completely different about it all. His lips trembled slightly beneath mine, but he didn't do anything to me for it. I separated from him, my lip tingling from the delicate brush of his lips against mine. It took everything I had not to move closer and just do it again.

Suddenly everything they said seemed to make sense. I could definitely see myself wanting to repeat that: to go further. I had no idea how I'd feel about any of the other experiences, but I could just tell that I'd like them a heck of a lot better if I was doing them with Chunji, instead of Soomin.

He must've thought I was such a weirdo, given the way he looked at me afterwards. He says that he never did, but he is such a liar. I've never felt more nervous than those few seconds afterwards, when his eyes slid open, and he processed what we'd just done. I wasn't sure if he was going to yell at me, or cry and yet my greatest fear was that he'd stay blank. That'd he be as disinterested as I was after Soomin kissed me.

I still remember the way his tongue flicked out, tentatively rubbing his bottom lip, like mine had. From the right to the left, it made it's little trek, trying to subdue the tingling rush my kiss had provoked. The fact that I wasn't the only one that had felt it, made me hopeful. But then he smiled at me, and I just knew everything was going to work out okay.

And I mean why shouldn't it? Chunji is my best friend. He's always been my best friend. He might not need me as his only friend anymore, but I think I can control my jealousy over that. I mean, he clearly needs me for something much more important. Just like I need him.