Unspoken

“You’ve changed.”

That’s the last thing I heard.

Yes I’ve changed, and there was never a time I did not regret it. I tried all ways and means to turn back to who I was, but no my new self clung on, persistently dragging me down. I tried and tried to break free of its grasp but of no use, it grasped me tightly and in its clutches, I was powerless.

I’ve changed.

A single tear rolled down my cheek. I made no move to wipe of the salty trail of it, even though usually I would curse and swear if I let myself cry and immediately remove all evidence. Yet now I was just frozen.

You threw me a disappointed glance, with no hint of the warmth it used to hold, the warmth that used to flow between us. The flowing stream was cut off abruptly by the dam.

Me.

You slowly stood up, flashed me a pitying glance before saying,

“Goodbye, Jiyong.”

And you walked off. I could not move, could not even reach out a hand and grab you, plead with you to stay with me, that I would never let you down again.

Don’t go. Please turn around.

My silent pleas were never heard, never heeded. Painfully, my eyes followed your silhouette as you walked out of the café. The first place we met, and now the last. Silently, I began to shake as more tears poured out of my eyes. I wanted to run out, grab you, and give you a big hug which you could never escape. I wanted you to cry into my shoulder once more. I wanted to say I was sorry, and place my lips on yours, sealing the promise of never breaking your heart again. But I didn’t.

Because I don’t deserve you.

The monster in me was so horrible I even hated myself. I was racked with guilt the entire time, yet I was unable to let you go. It was selfish of me, but I couldn’t help it. I tried to drown myself in alcohol so that maybe I, wasted, would approach you and tell you to go and find another life. One without me. No amount of words could express the emptiness I felt, it was swallowing me whole, drawing me deeper into its dark depths, where the only solace was that still picture of your warm pair of eyes gazing warmly at me. Those that would never look at me that way again. With my eyes shining with tears, I stared at the empty seat across me, at the half-filled coffee cup which you drank from just minutes ago and never finished.

Just like how it’s going to be for me. I’ll never finish loving you.

I reached out my trembling hand and placed it upon your cup, before slowly bringing it to my lips. The coffee was a bitter sweet, just the way you liked it. My lips grazed the place where your lips were, and I downed the whole cup. The cup was brought slowly back down to the table. And I smiled sadly.

I knew, no matter how much time had passed, I’ll still be here at this café.

Waiting for you, hyunchae.