Kibum tried not to hate people he didn’t know. Kibum tried not to be a hypocrite. But sometimes, it was just so easy to be angry at straight people. Or religious people. Or old people. He knew he shouldn’t be angry at them specifically, but s tended to be too broad. Maybe the whole thing was backwards and Kibum was angry all the time. It was difficult to keep track of.

Kibum liked coffee. Out of all the things he hated, he liked a hot, aromatic cup of java now and then.

Coffee, in most cases, could calm Kibum’s nerves. But when the coffee became directly involved with an incident of hatred, it didn’t help much.

Kibum had a liking for a specific coffee place by the college, because the barista was always incredibly friendly. Kibum liked to imagine he wouldn’t care if he knew Kibum was gay.

He went there in a moment within a Thursday, eager to enjoy the cool air with a cup of hot coffee. He went alone, because Jonghyun preferred to watch television on Thursdays. Just like most days.

So, on this Thursday, Kibum sat down with his favorite vanilla latte at the table by the door. He managed to finish half of the coffee before trouble started.

A couple of no-good kids came into the shop, being loud and rude. Kibum watched them, eyes weighed down by fatigue and annoyance. The barista served them, being as nice as he was, and the kids sat down at a table. Kibum was lucky to complete his latte before they disturbed him right out of the place. He threw out his cup and left, ready to start for home. But Kibum was about to be sidetracked.

By a couple of no-good kids right on his heels.

“Hey, ,” One called. Kibum felt a shiver run up and down his spine. He kept walking. Alas, one of the kids managed to grab his arm and turn him around.

“I said your name,” He spat. “Listen to me.” Kibum eyed him. He had a wannabe thug’s haircut and clothes to match. Though one of his friends had a particularly disturbing pair of white contact lenses in.

“That isn’t my name,” Kibum told him calmly.

“But that’s what you are,” The kid returned. Kibum rolled his eyes and tried to pry himself free from the kid’s grip. He remained trapped.

“How do you know?” Kibum asked, trying to wiggle free.

“You act like one,” one of the other kids told him. “Sit and drink like one. It’s gross.”

“You’re sick,” The first kid growled.

“Let go of me,” Kibum requested, trying to back up again.

“You need to go die,” The kid snarled. He suddenly shoved Kibum down to the ground. In the next instant, the white contact kid had dumped his hot coffee onto Kibum, and the group had fled.

Kibum tried not to burst into tears the moment he reached home. Of course, he pretty much failed. He managed to keep the crying silent until he got into his room. He didn’t care if Jonghyun had seen or not.

Kibum changed out of his coffee-stained clothes and crashed onto his bed, sobbing relentlessly into his pillow. Kibum wanted to be angry, but he only had time for pain now. Nothing hurt more than being hated by strangers.

After a moment, there was a knock on Kibum’s bedroom door.

“Go away,” Kibum said weakly.

“Why are you crying? What’s wrong?”

“Go away!” Kibum repeated.

“Kibum,” Jonghyun sighed loudly. He flagrantly disregarded Kibum’s requests and opened the door. Kibum swore he’d get a lock for it one day.

“Why are you crying?” Jonghyun asked, leaning against the doorframe. Kibum sat up and wiped his eyes.

“You think you’ve got it so easy,” he said. “What makes a weak, girly looking gay more horrible than a gay that looks like everyone else?” Jonghyun frowned.

“I’m sorry,” He said. “I don’t have an answer to that.” Kibum shook his head.

“No, no one does,” he hiccupped. “Whatever, Jonghyun. Go have an easy life with your charismatic boyfriends and their limitless answers to everything.”

“Did you really hate him so much?” Jonghyun asked.

“Don’t shove that in my face again.” Kibum snapped. “It’s just the fact that you think you’re living this perfect straight lifestyle. Maybe you need to get woken up by someone who’s not probably high all the time.”

“High all the time?” Jonghyun scoffed. “Because he had some interesting things to say?”

“Don’t put him on such a high pedestal,” Kibum snapped.

“What is your problem?” Jonghyun replied, equally soaked in venom.

For a minute the room was silent. Then Kibum succumbed to tears again.

“He was so careless,” He choked. “You both were. You all are. And yet everything is so easy.” He covered his face with his pillow. “It’s so unfair.”

Silence pooled in the air again. It only broke for a moment.

“I don’t mean for it to be unfair,” Jonghyun said softly. “I’m sorry.” He patted Kibum’s back and left the room, closing the door behind him. Kibum cried himself dry before leaving to find dinner.

Jonghyun and Kibum ate in silence. The only permeating sound was the slurping of instant noodles. Jonghyun seemed to be staring at Kibum’s arms, which were red from being burnt. Kibum knew that a dull cut turned flesh red before appearing as a line. He wondered if Jonghyun wondered.

Kibum liked to watch movies. He liked the blankets and the popcorn and the hot chocolate. The films were pretty okay too.

Jonghyun liked to join Kibum. Probably for the food. Maybe for the movie. During this particular movie, Jonghyun kept his eyes toggled between the screen and Kibum’s arms.

“Did you put ice on that?” He finally asked, halfway through the movie. Kibum shook his head.

“I didn’t know coffee could burn so bad. And then I decided I didn’t feel like bothering.”

“Doesn’t it sting?” Jonghyun pressed. Kibum hesitated before nodding. Jonghyun silently stood up, and returned a moment later with a pack of frozen peas wrapped in a dishtowel. He pressed it against Kibum’s largest burn, earning a cry of pain.

“Hush,” Jonghyun told him. Kibum whimpered. Jonghyun carefully placed Kibum’s other arm on top of the ice pack, and sealed it all up by tucking a blanket in around the younger boy.

“Are you sorry?” Kibum asked.

“I already said I was,” Jonghyun answered. And that was that.

Kibum dreamed in foggy hazes, just like most people. It was hard to pick the moments apart. All Kibum knew was how it felt.

In this moment asleep, but maybe not the same moment in his dream, Kibum felt hurt.

The dreams these days mostly hurt. They mostly involved Jonghyun and they mostly involved Onew and they were mostly awful.

Tonight, like many nights before, Onew managed to get a real hold on Jonghyun’s heart. Managed to keep him to himself. Managed to steal him away.

Kibum was hideously angry. He hated how they kissed each other and whispered to each other and held each other’s hands. And then Kibum and Onew would make eye contact, and it would become all too real, and Kibum would wake up shivering and sniffling.

Tonight, Kibum didn’t let it get to that.

Kibum tore through the halls, finding the lovebirds together in a blank space. He approached Onew, reached out, moved his hand,

Wiped away the skin

And saw himself. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is how sorry I am for being ridiculously late: 

sorry enough to give you a kitten ><