Story link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/273967

review by aznawzmao

Title (3/5)

I like the alliteration and it’s cute, but is this the first impression you want to give? The title is usually supposed to be insightful or highlight the most important event in the book. I think I could figure out that this story will be a romance of a County Girl and a City Boy Love just by reading it. The point of the title is that you want to make me read it.

Appearance (5/5)
I really like your poster and your character chart looks great since it’s uniform the whole way through. (Which is saying a lot btw because I don’t like character charts.)

Description / Foreword (9/15)
Why are you giving the plot away? Yes you should introduce a little bit, but you blew it when you said Hui Fang develops an unlikely relationship with Xi Lu Han. (Is that Lu Han’s real name btw? I always see it as Lu Han where Lu is his last name. But whatever, just a small detail that piqued my curiosity.Never mind you get to that in your author’s note MIANHE -.-) It’s nice how you define what a country girl is, but don’t you think we could learn who Hui Fang is with the story? The point of the description is to describe the main struggle of the main character without giving too much away. Otherwise it’s like SparkNotes: Tells the most important part of the story so you don’t have to read it! But seriously, try working on that a bit more.

Also um thanks for telling me your weaknesses here in your author’s note? IDK about the author’s note; it’s a good idea to have one, but try not to make it cover your reader’s impression of the story. It’s okay to say “you know I at this” but it’s giving me the impression as a reviewer that you don’t care about improving those areas. Maybe rephrase into “I have trouble of keeping my verbs in the same tense, but practice makes perfect, right? :P” or something. Just in case you ask for more reviews.

Plot / Originality (18/25)

I like how you put Chen’s and Huan Yue’s positions as obstacles to Lu Han’s and Hui Fang’s relationship, assuming you want them to get closer.

Why was Hui Fang’s father’s death pushed to the side? It took me a while to figure out that something bad had happened, and that it was her father.

Overall the exposition is nice, but I really want to see some rising action. When are problems going to arise? Aren’t they going to be bad? Also make sure you have a decent falling action. Authors have a lot of trouble on this, but a short falling action only works if the nearly solves all the problems.

A country girl and a city boy romance is pretty common. I’ll give it to you that Hui Fang isn’t as naïve as the stereotypical lines go, but I don’t see their difference in lifestyles making a huge impact just yet. I would expect Lu Han to be a lot more upset to be in a place he’s not used to.

Characterization (4/10)

Is Hui Fang telling the story as she sees it or trying to explain it? I know this comment is more about writing style, but the point is you’re trying to “sell” your character to your audience. You want to make us feel for her, see the world in her shoes. But if she’s talking like she’s in an interview or in a documentary, it’s not the same as a movie. It’s better if you make her talk to the readers like they’re together on this, friends, or just sharing the same mind. If your older brother teases you for being old, you don’t really think “In fact, he’s older”. You usually think “his teasing isn’t going to make him younger than me” or something. I know it’s the beginning of the story and the reader doesn’t know the character well, but if you treat the readers like they’re outsiders, then they’re going to feel that way. Will that make them like your story? That’s a question you have to ponder.

And honestly, the characters seem pretty static. Hui Fang seems happy almost all the time. When she does have bad moments, you don’t really emphasize them. You’re using first POV! That means your character can reveal so many thoughts that are going inside them. But you really only let them out to reassure the reader that the character is okay. I would accept that if it looks like she wasn’t okay for a while. At the end of your chapter six preview, Hui Fang says she’s happy that she seems to be getting a new friend. Well, shouldn’t we have seen her worrying about why she has no friends or can’t seem to get new ones? Or maybe she’s happy that Lu Han is becoming closer to her because she thought they had too many differences. I don’t know, but these are these are the questions the readers are asking to get Hui Fang better. You should answer some of them.

Writing (Spelling / Grammar / Punctuation) (14/20)

Your trouble with tense isn’t that bad. I only really only see it when your sentence has multiple clauses and you can’t keep track.

“Tao’s field (my favorite bull)” Okay first off, you can just use an appositive phrase. Parentheses aren’t commonly used in stories because it’s used professionally in essays or articles, but not really in conversation.  Anyway, right now that is implying Tao’s field is your favorite bull, not Tao. I’m not going to suggest a correction because then I would have to change a whole of your story for the correction to make sense. However, you do need to correct that.

“Mothers these days always denying others’ assistance.” You need to put an “Are” before always. Denying is a participle, therefore you need to have a conjugated form of “to be”. The only time when you don’t need “to be” is when the participle is acting as an adjective.

Why is Hui Fang referring herself in third person? This would be fine if it was the character’s habit, but it’s not. The story has already established a first person view for Hui Fang.

“Will you not be cold?” I guess the grammar is correct, but it’s just AWKWARD. I can’t really imagine one of my friends going up to me and saying that. He or she would ask “Won’t you be cold?”

o.O Is English your second language? I’m trying not to assume from your profile. I mean, if it was your second language, I could understand some of these mistakes because textbooks probably only teach standard language, not everyday language that English and other languages have morphed into. But honestly, try to write the dialogue as if you’re actually speaking it. You should be able to hear if it doesn’t make sense, something’s wrong, or is awkward. But if English is your second language, then don’t worry about it too much.

Inane! Whoop! SAT vocab! XD

Flow (8/10)

My only complaint is about Hui Fang’s father’s death. The jump to after the news of his death was too much for me. But everything else is pretty good.

Overall Enjoyment (3/10)

It feels too happy go lucky for me. The point of a good story is to bring insight to the reader. I like the idea and the author notes are cute, but the story just isn’t reaching for my heartstrings. I’m also not feeling like I’m in the world you’re trying to create.

To your note on the form, I know you said not to be harsh, but I’m trying to be honest on my reaction of your story. If I said “YOU’RE PERFECT!” I would be compromising my role as a reviewer. My job is to help you become a better writer, not to be a loyal reader. You’re doing well, but you can do so much better.
 

Total: 64/100