Story link: https://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/287749

Review by Katakatica

Title (3/5)
The title seems to suit the fanfic for now, but I think it's quite ordinary. It doesn't make me to read the story.

Appearance (3/5)

Well.. I can't view see your poster, I tried several browsers and even my phone, but the pics make the foreword nice. 
 

Description / Foreword (7/15)
I wish I could give more points for it, but there are several major problems. 
For example:
In the desrciption, you wrote : Yesterday, Choi SangHyo park (YOU) is one of the biggest fans of SNSD Girls Generation, but today. SNSD Girls Generation is one of your BIGGEST fans. 
I understand what you were trying to say, but it should be something like this :
Yestarday, Choi Sanghyo Park (you) had been one of the biggest fans of SNSD (Girl's Generation), but today, they became your biggest fans. 
If you use yesterday, you can't use present tense, since it was in the PAST. You don't even have to use past perfect, use past simple, or whatever. Also, you should say their band's name so much, just use 'they'.
Foreword : Well, as I said, the pictures are pretty, but they are too big. They make it almost impossible for me to read the foreword. You listed the characters' traits well, but I think you should rather just write a few sentences about them. It would make it more interesting. The description and foreword wouldn't make me want to read the story, sorry. 
An other little note where it's like xy will be your best friend in the story. It would look much better if you said 'is your best friend'. The readers know that she's in the story, you don't have to say it. 
 

Plot / Originality (10/25)
Well... I think I know what the story is about, but I'm not too sure. The description was very short, and the story only has three chapters so far. Tell me if I'm wrong, but the story is about 'you' who goes to an SNSD fan-meeting, and meets the girls. I haven't read stories like this before, but I don't really read stories about girl groups, so I'm not sure if it's original or not. It does sound really cliche to me though.
 

Characterization (5/10)
Well, as I said you described the characters in the foreword, but I couldn't really find out anything about them in the story.

Writing (Spelling / Grammar / Punctuation) (5/20)
I assume that English isn't your first language (it isn't mine either, so it's okay). The problem is that you have three very, very short chapters. And they are full of grammar and punctation mistakes. When I read, I try to ignore them so I can enjoy the story, but even if I was just simple reading your story, I could point them out. I'm trying not to be rude here, but I think you should get a beta-reader, or re-read your chapters at least three times.

Some examples
The first sentence of the fanfiction is:
You were walking on the mall with Yoona, then you saw Sunny.
The 'you were walking' part is okay, BUT 'on the mall' means on the top of the mall. I know that it's possible to go to the rooftop, or parking lot or whatever is on top of them, but I'm quite sure that you meant 'in' the mall. 
'then you saw Sunny.' The verb 'see' isn't usually used after past perfect. Here is the reason why:
You were walking in the mall with Yoona, then suddenly Sunny ran past you, or you caught a glimpse of her for a moment, the she disappeared. 
You were trying to say that you noticed Sunny, so she was still there after you noticed her.
Also, I'm not quite sure if you wanted to say that you stopped when you noticed Sunny or not, but with 'then' it means that. Past perfect is usually used when the action you are talking about had been going on for a longer time. 
SO, the sentence should be something like
You were walking in the mall when you (suddenly) noticed Sunny.
For me, it's not clear if there were four girls or not. The reason is that you didn't put a " mark after the second sentence, so it looks like the speaker is saying 'Who is she talking to' as well. Also, I did understand who the speaker was (you), but I think you should have at least said it in the first part. The dialog is very confusing this way. And also 'Who is she talking to' should be 'who was she talking to' (if it's not part of the dialog), because the story is in the past. Also, I don't know who said the second part of the dialoge ('hold on...') 
you realized that your mom woke you up. 
Is the first sentence of the 'you p.o.v'. Does this mean that the first few sentences weren't part of it? I didn't notice it.
Ugh Im so pissed.
It should be 'Ugh, I was so pissed'. 
That dream was beautiful. I'm with Yoona and Sunny. 
I have to be honest, I had no idea how the first and the second-third sentences were connected (yes, I know that her mom woke her up, but if I didn't pay enough attention, I wouldn't have understand it). The way you wrote, it means. 
'I'm so pissed. I had such a beautiful dream, but now I'm with Yoona and Sunny. They should just go away so I can go back to sleep.' 
So you should have put at least the third sentence into past. Also, you mix up tenses quite often which isn't too great. 
Another problem is that you don't seem to know about irregular verbs. Where you did put your sentence into past, you mainly just put -ed after the verb, and that was it.
Examples :
putted (at the end of first chapter): it should be 'put' (the 2nd/3rd forms are the same as the 1st)
thinked (I noticed it at least two times : it should be thought 
sitted - sat
Other then these, your spelling wasn't too bad. 
About the punctuation : I'm not too good at these things either, so I'm just saying what I noticed with being bad at this as well. There were times when you capitalised things you shouldn't have (3rd chapter :'Yes, We are' OR you should have said 'Yes, we are') 
And, I'm not sure if it belongs here, but the font and size of letters hurt my eyes. It was really hard to read through what you wrote, I'm sorry. I also didn't understand why was almost everything in bold. (this probably goes to style and appearence, but I felt like I had to add it here)
These are just a few mistakes. You had some more, so I really think you should ask someone to beta for you. Because of the mistakes, I could barely understand what was going on. Sorry.
 

Flow (4/10)
The chapters are very short, and personally I think the flow is very fast. I could barely keep up with what was happening, maybe because of the short chapters. I just didn't like it. But at least the events are connected. I think you should try to write longer chapters. 
 

Overall Enjoyment (4/10)
I won't lie to you, I didn't enjoy the story. For me, the grammar and flow made it almost impossible to read. 
 

Total: 41 /100
The story itself would be interesting, but you made too many mistakes. I'm sorry. If you asked for someone to beta for you and spent more time on writing and planning the events, I'm sure you could improve. I'm sorry if I was too harsh...