The sun’s glowing fingertips snake their way through the tall windows, making the air radiate a certain warmth and yellow glow. Kyungsoo’s cart makes a small squeak as he comes to a stop in front of one of the polished, wooden bookshelves as he searches for the home of the smooth-covered, aged book in his hand. Upon finding the slight space in between the other volumes, he smiles a bit to himself and slides the text into its rightful place.

He’s been working in the library for a little less than a year now, finding peace and comfort among the smell of old pages and artistic bindings. His step contains a slight bounce as he makes his way to another shelf and he thinks that he really loves his job. Upon rounding the corner, he spots the person who is always sitting in the seat next to the west-facing windows in the second table from 3-6pm on Thursdays and 2-6pm on Saturdays.

Kyungsoo stares at the back of his chocolatey-brown head for a moment and then gets back to his business of returning books to their shelves. The strange thing about the person who is always sitting there isn’t that he’s a regular. Of course the library had many regulars who come in at about the same time on certain days but this person...

He isn’t even reading. He isn’t even studying.

The person who is always sitting there is perpetually listening to music, an open book in his hand, but he instead stares out the window the entire time. Weirdo... Kyungsoo thinks as he glances over at the guy again. It’s almost six o'clock so Kyungsoo finishes up the last of his work and gathers his belongings from behind the checkout desk in preparation to leave. The person he has deemed as ‘weird guy’ passes by him and exits the library like he always does on Thursdays at this time. Kyungsoo catches a noseful of a rich-smelling cologne and he thinks to himself that he’s learned one new thing about the man who slowly has him captivated.

----------

6:01pm on Saturday.

The weird guy is doing something a little different today and Kyungsoo is annoyed. He’s so incredibly annoyed because it’s time for the library to close, he’s the only worker here, and he has to wake up the person who is fast asleep in his seat by the window. On top of that, Kyungsoo’s been training new workers in the back room for the entire day and he’s irritated at the world right now. Kyungsoo curses the weird guy mentally and gives him a hard death glare as he nears him, hoping his telepathic waves will give the weird guy a hint.

But it doesn’t.

As he leans down to tap him on the shoulder, bits and pieces of muted music escape from his headphones and the crescendos and running arpeggios of orchestral music surprise Kyungsoo. This person... is surprisingly sophisticated? The familiar smell of cologne wafts into his nose again and he takes another sniff before straightening himself up, his heart beating slightly faster in his chest.

What was I doing?!

He stares back down at the peaceful sleeping face and he thinks that maybe this guy isn’t so bad. Maybe he’s misunderstanding him so he taps him on the shoulder gently, his fingers tingling from the contact with the fabric.

“Excuse me, the library is closing now,” Kyungsoo says just above a whisper.

The weird guy’s eyelids flutter open slowly and it takes him a moment to orient himself to his surrounds but, upon seeing Kyungsoo, he flinches. The weird guy quickly gathers up his belongings and nods his head in apology slightly before striding towards the exit. Kyungsoo stares after him in confusion and mentally sighs. Nevermind, this guy is definitely weird.

---------

It’s Thursday at 3:23pm and Kyungsoo’s sitting at one of the tables next to the west-facing windows. He glares out them menacingly and is glad he’s on the second floor of the library so nobody can see him. He’s supposed to be “taking the day off” today because the head librarian wanted the new workers to get more hours on the job. So he glances over at the bookshelves to his right and notices the fumbling and clumsy new workers reciting The Alphabet Song underneath their breath as they reorganize books. He rolls his eyes and looks down at the thick text in front of him on the table.

Finding himself unable to concentrate after reading the same sentence for ten minutes, he looks up and remembers that the weird guy is here again. This time, he’s actually reading the volume in front of him but he still has his headphones in. Kyungsoo stares at him for a moment and he wonders which book he’s reading today. Out of a sudden impulse, Kyungsoo grabs a marker from his pencil case and scribbles a bold ‘HI’ on the back of his hand. It wasn’t as if he was expecting anything from it. Maybe it was because he was feeling upset about not being able to work today but he did it anyway and red-hot embarrassment fills his cheeks as he looks out the window, his chin balancing on his inky fist.

After a few minutes of internally arguing with himself, Kyungsoo lowers his hand and hides it under the table. He shyly takes a small peek at the weird guy and his eyes widen. The weird guy has his fingers running through his hair with a ‘HELLO’ written on the back of his hand.

Kyungsoo’s heart is beating rapidly in his chest and it feels like his veins are going to explode from the painful pounding. And he’s worried that everyone’s going to hear his excruciatingly loud and uneven breathing in the quiet room. So he tries to control it and it just makes it worse because he can’t remember how he used to breathe. He hides his eyes behind his hands, the blood coloring his cheeks cherries and apples.
 
---------

Kyungsoo hasn’t been this excited to go to the library since... ever. He had trouble sleeping that night, rolling around in his bed and tugging on his sheets in anticipation and anxiety. He wants to see him again and it’s strange because just a week ago he still thought that this person was weird but now he wants to get to know him; he wants to bridge their distance. So he almost skips to work but has a mini panic attack outside of the entrance.

He stands outside, the cool wind blowing through his hair, trying to look like he’s focusing on the purple and pink petunias by the benches. He’s nervous about how he should appear to him and maybe he should start a conversation-- no, no that wouldn’t work. How about writing on his hand again? Ugh, that would make him look too obvious. So after what seems like forever of fussing and worrying, he enters the glass and concrete structure looking as nonchalant as he can manage and he gets straight to work, the adrenaline rushing through him in torrents and tsunamis. He pushes his usual metal cart piled high with books onto the second floor and tries hard not to seem too eager to look for the formerly weird man as he rounds the corner.  

His heart strings tug and break.

The mysterious person is sitting where he usually is but today he’s not listening to music and he’s not looking out the window. Instead, he has books and papers scattered around him and there’s someone with him.

A girl.

Kyungsoo can’t help but notice her glossy hair and petite form and he feels the jealousy welling up through his pores at the sight. He pushes the cart a bit faster and manages to make a giant circle around them as to avoid any type of contact. Of course he would have a girlfriend... And the thought sends shocks and needles into him with every waking moment as he tries hard to focus on reshelving the books in their appropriate places. His palms are sweating and he feels sick from the heaviness and churning in his stomach.

It’s awful and for the first time since he’s started working here, he wants to go home as soon as possible. Four hours couldn’t have past by any slower and he curses himself for getting his hopes up. He even blames himself for signing up to work every Saturday from 2-6pm. Why did I choose to work for so long? Stupid. Stupid!

He tries to get his mind off of the situation while scanning and organizing books but by the time he looks up at the clock again, only a couple minutes have past and he feels even worse. So he retreats to the storage room where he’s far out of sight of anyone. It’s finally time to close up now and he’s been desperately avoiding the west-facing windows in hopes of pushing the uncomfortable sight out of his memories but the thought of the strange man being out of his grasp and belonging to another person unnerves him.

He exits the stuffy storage room at 6:04pm and hopes that the man by the windows has gone home now. He assumes that everyone is gone already because, honestly, not many people want to be stuck in a library on a Saturday night. Kyungsoo walks passed the heavy bookshelves and scans the table the mystery man is usually at, only to find it empty. He sighs a breath of relief but also one of sadness because he didn’t get to interact with him today and he’s completely off-limits now. He shuffles downstairs and across the carpeting towards the main desk to get his things, feeling exhausted from the emotional strain of today. Just as he’s nearing the desk, he looks up and stops dead in his tracks.  

He’s there.

The mystery man who always sits next to the window is standing awkwardly at the desk, a bundle of books in his hand and his earphones in. Upon noticing Kyungsoo, he quickly jerks an earbud out of his ear and he stutters a little.

“O-oh, I forgot to check this out so...”

Kyungsoo tries to avoid making eye contact with him for fear of his emotions exploding in his chest but it’s too late. They’re already making his heart race and his breathing irregular as he tries to walk calmly behind the desk to check out the books. He’s conscious of every move he makes and he types in incorrect numbers and letters as his fingers shake and tremble. Ugh, I hope he doesn’t notice...

“Can I have your library card?” Kyungsoo asks in his most polite and professional voice.

“Y-yeah.”

Kyungsoo takes great care not to make skin contact with the man as he takes his card but he runs his thumb over the smooth surface and he thinks that he’s awfully creepy and weird for feeling a sense of happiness from holding a belonging of the other person; it’s like indirectly touching each other.

Kim... Jongin...

A few beeps and he’s done with the transaction but what was less than a minute felt like hours to Kyungsoo as he hands back the card. He tries to smile politely, his cheeks shaking ever-so-slightly and his mind racing trying to think about how a natural smile looks like.

“Have a nice day,” Kyungsoo manages in an even voice. He cheers for himself mentally before the inevitable sadness wells up again about how they’ll be separated again until Thursday.

“Yeah, you too.”

And Jongin turns to leave, stuffing his glossy card into his pocket and trying to look cool before stopping in his tracks and turning around mid-step. He has to do this today. He has to ask the question he’s always wanted to ask but in a voice three pitches too high.

“What’s your name?”

Kyungsoo’s shocked by the sudden question and his heart makes painful palpitations and flutters again as the blood continues to pound in his ears, making him faint and dizzy. His cheeks are always flushed now in the other person’s presence and he fumbles through his thoughts before finally answering.

“Do Kyungsoo.”

Jongin flashes a brilliant smile at him, his white teeth gleaming, and the expression brings up lovely feelings inside Kyungsoo as he watches him leave.

He can’t wait for Thursday to come.

----------

Throughout the week, Kyungsoo can’t help but whisper the same name to himself over and over, as he replays the encounters he’s had with him in horrible detail. He thinks that he’s becoming a creeper from the amount of attention he pays to this Kim Jongin. But he’s glad now because he’s not just “that librarian” to him anymore. He knows his name now. So he smiles at the insignificant thought and thinks that maybe he can actually make conversation with him.

But his thoughts and fantasies come to a screeching halt when he thinks of that girl. He thinks of the girl who must surely be Jongin’s girlfriend and he feels his stomach and heart making flips and loops in pain and agony. He doesn’t want to think of her but she always comes up.

So when Thursday rolls along and he doesn’t see her there by the window, he’s relieved beyond imagine. He’s even more happy by the fact that he can wave at Jongin without being weird and he does that now very quickly, receiving a smile and a wave in return. He’s giggling to himself quietly as he rolls his cart away, bouncing with joyful feelings.

“...Um...”

And Kyungsoo turns abruptly to see Jongin there with a nervous expression on his face and walking towards him from the other end of the shelf. Kyungsoo hurriedly pushes the book into the shelf and tries to channel his friendliest librarian self.

“May I help you?” He notices that his voice sounds fake and high-pitched and mentally scolds himself for not being cooler in front of this person.

“I’m looking for this book...”

Kyungsoo’s utterly ecstatic but anxious at the same time about the book being on the other side of the library as he leads Jongin to where it is. Is he walking too fast? Maybe he’s walking too slow. Should he say something? So he summons the first topic of conversation he can think of and--

“So the weather’s really pretty today,” Kyungsoo chokes out suddenly. He instantly thinks about how stupid he sounds. The weather is pretty? Couldn’t he have thought of something better to say? Idiot. Idiot!

“Yeah, but it looks like it’s going to rain tomorrow.” Jongin looks completely comfortable about the topic of conversation and Kyungsoo’s relieved to see that he’s okay with the way things are turning out.

“How do you know? There aren’t any clouds today,” Kyungsoo responds, curious as to why Jongin would say so and glad that he could at least come up with a suitable reply.

“I saw an airplane outside. You know, those ones that expel ‘clouds’ as they pass. If the ‘clouds’ dissipate quickly then that means that there aren’t any water particles in the sky to stick onto. But, if the ‘clouds’ stay for a long time then there’s lots of water particles so it’s going to rain soon.”

“That’s so interesting!” Kyungsoo’s amazed at this tiny tidbit of knowledge and he gains a newfound respect for Jongin. He’s always been amused by these little facts and he’s more excited about how Jongin was the one who told him about it. He flashes an eye-crinkling smile, feeling warm and fuzzy inside.

Jongin’s expression is immediately shy and sheepish as he plays with his bangs. “I-it’s not much...”

“Do you know other little facts? I really like them!” Jongin thinks he’s going to die from the loveliness of Kyungsoo’s carefree smile and he feels embarrassed about hearing him say the word ‘like.’

Like...

A slight blush creeps onto his face and he’s glad that Kyungsoo’s back is facing him right now because he doesn’t want him to notice. He doesn’t want him to know about the hidden feelings he’s harbored for him for so long. So he continues following him to the location of the book he doesn’t actually need and enjoys the comfort of being so close to him.

“I guess... if you like these things then... I know a way to relieve a stuffy nose,” Jongin tries to maintain the other person’s interest by straining his brain to conjure up all of the random facts that he can possibly muster. “You press on the area between your eyebrows and push the roof of the back of your mouth with your tongue and alternate that.”

Kyungsoo laughs a bit. “That sounds so silly. Does it actually work?”

“Of course it does. The next time you’re sick, you should try it.” Jongin thinks about his words for a moment and quickly fixes them. “O-oh, I mean-- I didn’t mean to tell you to get sick or--”

“It’s alright. I understand.”

And Kyungsoo’s laughter is so adorable and lovely to Jongin that he definitely knows that this person is the one for him.

-------------

That girl is with him again today.

It’s Saturday and Kyungsoo’s fuming as he’s reshelving books. He shoves them harshly into their homes while being conscious about not injuring them. He always feels uneasy about seeing them together and he knows that he has to get rid of this feeling. Isn’t it fine to just stay beside him like this and be friendly? There’s no point in wishing them unhappiness... especially because he doesn’t want Jongin to be hurt if he came in between them.

So he stops his shelving and stares into space for a moment with sad eyes.

And in that moment he decides to lock up his feelings for Jongin. He decides that he never wants him to know about the emotions that have him crazy and obsessed over someone he barely knows. He’ll never confess and they’ll just continue to be in this friendly state with each other. Yes, that’s right. They’ll never be anything more. Besides, it’ll hurt too much if they broke up.

Kyungsoo pushes his cart away and it was inevitable that he had to reshelve books right next to the table that they’re sitting at but Jongin’s not there right now. So he thinks that maybe Jongin went to get something because his usual bookbag is still slung across the back of his chair by the window.

The girl sneaks a few glances at Kyungsoo and he can see it in his peripheral as he’s handling the books. And it annoys him. It annoys him to no end and he curses her. He wants to yell at her and tell her to stop ing looking at him. But he can’t. He shouldn’t feel this way because of Jongin. He hurries up his pace so that he doesn’t need to be near her anymore and breathes a sigh of relief when he’s finally done and shuffling away.

He catches Jongin on his way back and he can’t bear to look at him because he’s afraid that his terrible emotions and thoughts about the girl will spill out onto his face. So they make eye contact for a split second and Kyungsoo darts his eyes away, leaving Jongin wondering what he possibly did to upset him.

------

Maybe he should just give up. Jongin’s probably not interested anyway and besides-- what is there to like about Kyungsoo? So Kyungsoo trudges into work and he sluggishly checks books in, the scanner making a small beep as he runs the bright red line over the shiny barcodes. He’s not in a very good mood today and he attributes it to the fact that Jongin is yet again with that girl.

He’s jealous. He knows that he’s jealous but it doesn’t help him get over the evil feelings that he has every time he sees them together. He’s also been a coward lately. He’s been avoiding Jongin for almost two weeks now and he thinks that Jongin must surely know that he’s avoiding him. But he kind of wishes for that. He wishes that Jongin will be bothered by the fact that they’ve barely seen each other for a while now... but what if he’s not?

The sudden thought brings a splinter of pain into Kyungsoo’s heart and his thoughts shift to even more negative and painful ones. He clenches his eyelids shut and tries to will the ugly thoughts and feelings away but they keep bombarding him and tearing at his heart.

Loving someone is painful...

As he rolls his cart around to the side of the library that’s far away from Jongin, he feels a sense of loneliness at not being able to see him. It’s contradictory of him especially because he’s the one who is purposefully avoiding Jongin but he can’t help but feel it anyway. It’s nearing 6 o’clock so he pulls the books from their shelves as slowly as possible as to not run into Jongin if he just so happens to stay late again.

He can hear someone approaching him from the sound of their footsteps on the carpet and he has a mini panic attack when he sees Jongin standing at the other end of the shelf. Jongin strides towards him confidently and he flinches a bit when he shoots his hand out to grab Kyungsoo by the shoulder so he can’t run away. Kyungsoo still manages to shift his head to the side though, trying to avoid eye contact as much as possible.

“Why are you avoiding me?” Jongin’s voice is scared and filled with anxiety. “Did I do something wrong? If I did, then I’m sorry.”

“I’m not avoiding you,” Kyungsoo lies, still averting his eyes and directing them towards an uninteresting book title.

“What are you upset about then?” Jongin’s exasperated from trying to think up all of the reasons why Kyungsoo could possibly be behaving this way. Was it because he hasn’t been talking to him? Is it because he doesn’t ask him to help him find books anymore? What?

“Just-- just leave me alone!” Kyungsoo’s starting to rip and burst at the seams from the confrontation and he doesn’t like how Jongin is trying to rip a hole through his barrier. He’s fumbling and scared of the feelings that seem like they’re pouring out of him now in a flurried rush of torment and agony. So he raises his voice and tries to hide his timid self. “Just go back to your girlfriend and live happily ever after without me!”

Jongin’s shocked. He’s frozen by Kyungsoo’s words but they’re melting his heart one-by-one; trickling down into the cold and unsettling his normally calm and confident self. Somehow he feels touched as he figures it out and he stares down at the other man with tender eyes. He slides his hand down Kyungsoo’s arm slowly, feeling the knobby elbow and slim wrist and it sends trickles and sensations down Kyungsoo’s spine. Jongin’s holding his hand now as he rubs his warm thumb over the nervous palm.

“You... are you in love with me?” Jongin breathes huskily.

Kyungsoo’s face is stupified and he can’t believe what Jongin just said. When he finally takes it in, his face burns with the embarrassment of being seen through and he can’t bear to be here anymore. He just wants to hide somewhere or fall off a ditch. Maybe both. Jongin figured out his feelings for him! He definitely thinks that he’s disgusting. He definitely does. But--

“Because-- I’m in love with you.”

He puts Kyungsoo’s hand over his heart and he’s sure that the palpitations are strong enough for Kyungsoo to feel them. Jongin presses the hand a bit tighter against himself and Kyungsoo’s fingers tremble from the contact. He can feel the uncontrollably fast heartbeats and it makes his own heart throb and pulse painfully like it always does in Jongin’s presence. Their feelings are reflected onto one another and the moment is terribly raw, exposing their delicate emotions. Kyungsoo looks away first due to shyness and he feels like all of this is unreal and he’s living through a dream in this cocktail of blurred watercolors and electricity.

Jongin, noticing Kyungsoo’s hesitation, thinks that he’s wrong for a moment. Maybe all of this is a misunderstanding and Kyungsoo doesn’t actually feel anything for him. Maybe he only wanted to be friends. But he wants to hold onto this chance in case it really is true so he grips the small hand in his even tighter and he can see Kyungsoo’s ears and cheeks turn even redder in response.

“Am I wrong?” Jongin whispers.

“Yes.”

“What?”

“You’re wrong. I’m not... in love with you.” Kyungsoo’s scared of being hurt and even more than that, he's scared of hurting Jongin. He’s frightened of being in a relationship where he has to expose absolutely everything to someone and get that in return. Afterall, he doesn’t know what could happen in the future. What if they broke up one day? What then? Wouldn’t it be better to stay in their friendly state then?

The only thing running through Jongin’s mind is that he can’t give up. He can’t just give up on this love that he’s harbored for agonizing weeks and months so easily, especially when his beloved’s face is so red and flustered in front of him. He’s so close to grasping onto him and he wants this so badly. So he does something out of character and makes an insane proposal.

“Then I’ll make you fall in love with me. Go out with me.”

Jongin’s successfully breaking through Kyungsoo’s walls and he doesn’t want that to happen but he’s also glad. Seeing Kyungsoo’s hesitation, Jongin wraps their free hands together and squeezes it gently and reassuringly, hoping that his feelings will come across and touch the other boy.

And Kyungsoo feels like maybe it’s okay. Maybe it’s okay if he gets hurt one day just for this small taste of happiness; just to be next to Jongin for a few more moments or hours. He closes his fingers around Jongin’s hand and tries to confirm everything and feel the security rushing between them. His words are getting choked in his throat though so he nods a bit at the confident proposal, showing his acceptance.

And Jongin’s brilliant smile melts away all of his insecurities, making an imprint on his heart.