Fire blazed all around him, cutting off his chances of getting to her. He could hear her screams ring and echo in his head. The thick smoke filled his lungs as he gasped for air. He wanted to move, needed to move but his legs were glued to the spot. He covered his ears with his hands and squeezed his eyes shut, desperate to shut her out- it was the only way to keep himself sane. Through his eyelids he could still see the brightness of the flames- an angry orange and furious red. He willed her anguished cries out of his head, “Stop! STOP! STOP!”

-----

Even today, I’m drenched in my sweat
I woke up from my sleep, I can’t believe it, oh I (horrible nightmare)
Inside the dream that repeats every night
You leave me coldly like a lie, oh I

-----

You felt a smooth finger slide down your jaw bone, a smile crept across your lips. You felt his finger move to your forehead, just between your eyebrows. You knew what he wanted- it was what you wanted too, but you resisted, you’re not about to give in to him just yet. His finger slid down the length of your nose this time and stopped at the tip; you knew he was smiling too. His fingers danced across your lips and you knew you were done for. Slowly, you opened your eyes and there it was sitting right before you- perfection. He leaned down and you closed your eyes again in anticipation.

-----

I still can’t believe it, your lips
I can’t let you go yet
When it feels like they’ll (kiss) touch my cheek
I can’t erase you

-----

Himchan woke with a start, he was drenched in sweat but it was nothing new. He pushed himself up off the bed and dragged himself to the kitchen. It’s been a year since the incident and nothing has changed. Things with B.A.P were hectic, it had to be for him to keep sane, and it did keep him sane… during the day, it did. The nights, however, were his very own personal torture- when ghouls and memories came to haunt him. When the endless screams filled his head before he woke to realize they came from his own lips. He poured himself a glass of water and took a big gulp, knowing it would do no good in calming his racing heart. He stared off in the distance, tonight was just one night he’d let himself remember- the girl in his nightmares.

-----

Tears slipped from the corners of your eyes down onto your already damp pillow. Without opening your eyes, the tears continued to flow. You felt a sharp pain in your phantom legs but the larger pain was in your chest. You felt the air around you thinning with each sob that you uttered. Each morning was this way and yet you would do nothing to stop the dreams- why would you? They were the only way you could ever see him again, even if he wasn’t real. You were fine, during the day, you had learned to look and act as if you were okay. But the mornings would always render you helpless as you let yourself drown in the memories of him.

-----

I hope my alarm clock rings quickly and wakes me from this dream
Turn back the time that feels like a nightmare and throw away our separation
I can’t escape from this horrible broken dream that’s frozen into place
I hope the alarm clock rings loudly and wakes me up, oh quickly

Wake me up

-----

Himchan sat at her bedside clad in a hospital gown, while her gown disappeared from view under the blankets and bandages. He knew it would be a long and painful journey for the both of them to heal, not just physically but also from the trauma. He didn’t care though, he had sworn he would be with her every step of the way and he meant to keep his promises. With his strong will, Himchan had recovered within the week- he needed to be well if he was to be a reliable guardian for her. The company offered him time off from work to recuperate and he took it; not a day passed by that Himchan didn’t go to her. Even while her family surrounded her, he was always watching over her and her family came to accept him for his devotion.

-----

“Aaah!” You cried as you lost control of the wooden leg and slipped flat on your , prosthetics and limbs in a mess from the fall. Strong arms reached for you and tears filled your eyes again. Though you had taken everything in stride when you woke a month ago, part of you threatened to break as you thought of what you had lost. And that part grew bigger day by day. The only things that saved you were the arms that held you now and  everyday as well as the faces of those who loved you dearly. Himchan whispered in your ear now, “we could rest, ________- ah, you’ve already made a lot of progress today.” You shook your head, willing the tears and pain to subside as you pushed yourself up to try again.

-----

As the days passed, it became clearer to you what you needed to do. You had always scoffed at those mak-jang dramas where the heroine falls into her own noble idiocy and leaves her man to “save” him. Now though, you finally understood the truth behind those scenes. You knew what your situation was doing to him when you saw him come in everyday with that same perfect smile and increasingly tired eyes. You were proud- this is how much my boyfriend loves me, but that in turn made you angrier- you knew you weren’t worth it.

-----

Himchan couldn’t believe his ears, “you want to what?” He looked at her face, which was devoid of emotions. He was incredulous first, then turned angry- didn’t she know how much he was giving up to be here. How much he was missing, how many people he was pissing off, how many other opportunities he was passing up. As if reading his mind, she spoke up “you can’t live like this. You’re healed Himchan, whereas I have not. It’s time for you to let go, and move forward.” Her cold voice hit him; pricked him like a thousand ice needles falling over his body. Now, he tried to beg her. “Please, if you can’t move with me, I’ll just wait for you. I don’t mind waiting.”

“Don’t lie to yourself Himchan”

“I’m not lying!” He burst out, chair scraping the floor as he stood suddenly.

“Himchan…” Her soft hand wrapped around his to pull him down, he sat on her bed bracing himself for what she would say next. He knew his will was already weakened towards her.

She knew it too, just a little more… “Do it for me? I can’t move on unless you do. It will take a long time and even longer if you keep hanging around me…” She played her final card, “please Himchan,  stop being a burden to me.”

-----

Like a flower that falls after a small raindrop brushes against it
It may not be a big deal to you (Let’s break up)
But I fall into a cold sleep at your cold words
I feel like I can still catch your mirage, oh please

I still can’t believe it, your scent
I can’t get rid of it, it’s seeped (deeply) into me
This must be a dream

------

“Hyung, we’re gonna watch a movie, join us?”

“Nah, ‘s okay, I’m tired after all that dancing. I’m just gonna go to sleep. You guys enjoy the movie.”

Himchan walked into his room and shut the door before any of the boys could say any more. He removed all his accessories and his top, walking into the bathroom. He looked at his reflection in the mirror above the sink and realized he didn’t know who he was anymore.

-----

“Hey, _______, we’re going out for a couple of drinks, join us?”

“Oh, that’s alright. You guys go ahead, I’m feeling a little tired tonight. Enjoy yourselves.”

You wheeled yourself into your office and stared out the large glass window into the city lights. Your eyes focused onto your reflection in the glass and you realized you didn’t know who you were anymore.

-----

I hope my alarm clock rings quickly and wakes me from this dream
Turn back the time that feels like a nightmare and throw away our separation
I can’t escape from this horrible broken dream that’s frozen into place
I hope the alarm clock rings loudly and wakes me up, oh quickly

Quickly wake me up

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