I remember it perfectly. The moment she spoke those words, the looks on the faces of the fans, the loud gasp that filled the room, the breaking of my heart and the burn of the tears. I think I cried as loudly as the fans when Cho Sunhwa announced that she was retiring from entertainment completely and asked the fans to keep supporting her group Topaz. Us.

None of us knew about the announcement prior to the moment she took that mic and spoke to the fans. But thinking back on it now, there were suspicious signs all day. But no one expected this, we all thought she was just being really kind to us that day.

Since being cast for SM Entertainment, I’ve always struggled fitting in. I was the only lucky person from the international auditions that managed to land a trainee spot and it required me to move to Korea on my own since my parents weren’t able to move with me. Despite a few basic words, I had to struggle my way through the language barrier as I barely knew any Korean of my own. I had to follow language courses while following my lessons as a trainee, they did however pay for my stay in the dorm of course. And slowly I did get familiar with the language, but I made a lot of mistakes and it made me nervous to communicate.

When the six of us were put together to train for our debut as the newest girl group, I was both happy and nervous. I had to live together with five other strangers who all knew perfect Korean and lacked the English understanding. And they seemed a bit too frustrated to try and figure out what I was saying or trying to make clear what they meant. All except for one.

Sunhwa, the eldest of us, was always by my side to help me get through any lesson. She took the time to tutor me on Korean in our spare time, encouraged me to use it as much as possible and also helped me with my trainee lessons. She had a lot more experience than the others and a lot more patience. It wasn’t strange that, the more we all got to know each other and grew closer, the more she felt like a mother to us. And even though I could get along with the others eventually, none of them really felt as close to me as Sunhwa did.

None of us ever noticed anything about her that could lead up to this decision. She always was so motivated and happy about any of our trainings or schedules, especially after we made our debut. Even with the slight critics that we got and the constant comparison to our sunbae groups and other groups, she always kept wearing a smile and motivated us to work even harder and better and get motivation from those haters instead.

She never really gave the fans or us an explanation for why she was resigning from the group, it was pretty unclear but all she told everyone was not to worry about it, work hard and support each other no matter what.

The next day we were all gathered in the rehearsal room at the SM Entertainment building. We were throwing our own personal farewell party to say goodbye to our leader and have fun together one last time. We invited the other trainees who were happy to come and the other idols but weren’t really expecting any of them to show up with their busy schedules as groups and individuals.

Although it was supposed to be somewhat of a celebration, I didn’t feel happy and it took a lot of effort just to fake a smile. All of us were losing our leader and friend but I felt like I was losing my closest, dearest older sister and I’d never see her again. Because, in reality, with our schedules the probabilities of finding time to hang out were slim to none.

“Jewel-ah~ Come on!” I looked up and met the bright, cheerful face of Sunhwa who started tugging on my arm, “Why are you so quiet?“

I shrugged, “I’m tired I guess.”

“Yah~” she frowned slightly and jokingly poked my forehead, “Drink some soda and don’t be tired! This is my farewell party, we need to have fun!”

“I don’t want to,” I pouted childishly and leaned against the wall, crossing my arms like a little kid.

She sighed and set aside her drink before grabbing my wrist and dragging me out of the room and into the hallway where it was reasonably quieter. As soon as we reached a certain spot she let go of my arm and turned around to face me.

“Look, I know you’re bothered that I’m leaving so suddenly but can’t we just enjoy tonight as my last night being a member of Topaz?” she tilted her head slightly.

“Why can’t you just stay and enjoy every night?” I replied with the same pout I carried back in the busy party room.

“It’s hard to explain Julia, but I really have to withdraw and focus on my personal life…” she sighed as she gave me the vague answer. At that moment we suddenly felt a lot more distanced from each other. She didn’t want to tell anyone the reason she was leaving, not even to me and we were so close.

“But what will we do without you? What will I do without you? You’re the only one that ever helped me out with anything…” Finally I sighed and glanced away sadly.

“Aww, you’ll do fine without me. I know you will, all of you. You’re my girls, I believe in each and every one of you and I know you can get Topaz to the top!” she gently shook my shoulders and forced me to look up at her as she flashed her motherly smile. “Remember our promise? We’d fight for as long as it would take to be able to surpass our seniors! I’ll still be helping with that, only from a fan point of view!”

“So you’re going to make a million accounts and vote us to the top of the charts and buy all of our albums and merchandise?”

“Of course! I’ll be your biggest fan! And you’re totally my bias!” she winked with a slight giggle which made me smile faintly.

“If you say so, I won’t let you down!”

“That’s the spirit! And we’re going to keep in touch! Whenever you need help, just call me alright? No matter what time,” she told me. “You’re like the sister I never had!”

“Neh, and you too!” I nodded slowly and bit my lip slightly before wrapping my arms around her neck and hugging her tightly.

“Don’t worry about me, alright?” she whispered as she wrapped her arms around me and hugged me back. “I’ll always be by your side…”

“Excuse me!”

A voice carefully rose above the soft beat coming from the rehearsal room where the party was being held and broke our sisterly moment as we stepped back and looked back into the hallway where all five members of SHINee were staring at us, dressed casually.

“Ah! Sunbaenims! Annyeong!” Sunhwa immediately responded as her eyes laid upon the five male figures that had filled the hallway and bowed politely, I mimicked her bow. “I’m sorry, is the music too loud?”

“Ani,” Jonghyun answered and chuckled slightly, “We thought we were invited to a farewell party?”

“Wait, you actually came?” I frowned as I stood up straight again and tilted my head slightly.

“Of course! Why? Thought we wouldn’t care?” Minho grinned.

“A-ani…” I stuttered slightly. “I-I just thought, with your schedules… All the other sunbaenims couldn’t come because of them so I thought…”

“Oh, so now you’re implying that we’re bad idols without schedules hm?” Jonghyun said mockingly, though in his serious and slightly outraged tone.

“ANI!” I quickly bowed down. “Mianhae sunbae…”

I heard the other members laugh amusingly and felt Sunhwa’s arm around my shoulders as she pulled me back up.

“Yah, oppa… Stop teasing my Jewel baby,” she laughed and winked at me for a moment.

“Ah, mianhae Jewel-sshi, I was just kidding,” Jonghyun flashed an apologetic smile before rubbing his hands. “Anyway, we’re here to light up that farewell party of yours!”

“Which, I assume, isn’t being held here in the hallway right?” Key asked, looking back at the door from which the music was coming from.

“Correct! We just needed a break from the partying to chat without losing our voices,” Sunhwa nodded with a smile and pulled me along, closer to the guys.

“Ah, Sunhwa-noona passed on all her leader secrets onto you?” Taemin chuckled slightly.

“Me?” I blinked slightly, staring at the maknae. “Why me?”

“Ah…? Oh, I see… Never mind, let’s go party!” he quickly changed after receiving a slight nudge from Onew.

“Right! Let’s go back!” Sunhwa nodded and pulled me along even though I still had a confused look on my face and before she entered I pulled her back slightly.

“Unnie, what did that mean?” I stared at her intently.

She waved her hand, “Don’t worry about it, I think he was just imagining things. Now come on, let’s have some fun ne? Especially now that our sunbaenims are here, maybe I can get them to sing Sherlock for us!”

With a smile she left my side and walked back in. I sighed for a moment, shaking my head at how vague everything was turning out and then decided to join the party. Our last night with our leader, but at least SHINee came to say goodbye as well. 

Author's Note: Thank you for subscribing and reading! My first real story, I hope I won't disappoint you! Bai-bai~ O/