Chapter 4: I Am (Not) Frustrated

 “Jepp, I—”

“I know,”

“Y—you do?”

“Yeah!”

“I feel—”

“I know! That feeling, exactly, I know, I know, Himchannie!”

And he holds him once again.

Himchan was unsure of what he was feeling, there was the feeling of being confused, and the piling questions muddled his head even further. How long had he known? And when did he start feeling the same? He never even had a clue that the boy had interest in men, he just assumed that he would own him nonetheless. But the feeling was just overwhelming and he could only close his eyes and melt in the embrace. The warm feeling burst violently on his insides and he was having a hard time deciding upon himself if he wanted to faint or he wanted to hurl. There were so many emotions built up inside of him that he was having an awfully hard time to think straight, to just feel the embrace and just hold his weight and stand up. Shamelessly, he shifted his weight to the taller man who notably had no problem supporting his weight.

There were a lot of questions, but not all of them needed answers, this was an answer in itself and Himchan could only tear up as he had the realization that this was happening, that he found himself defeated, and what a sweet loss it was. And he felt the same, which was quite a mystery, a wonder and a miracle by itself.

“Oh, Jepp,”

And he gives in to the weight as he collapses on the floor, with the man gently settling him as he lost it all together. He smiles, ever so gently, at him. And wipes the tears that had formed shamelessly on his face. He wipes the sweat that had rolled on the boy’s forehead and chuckled a while longer as he smoothened the fabric on the boy’s wife beater and jacket. One last look and another smile as he silently observed the boy who proceeded to hold the hands that he had helped him with.

There was a fond feeling in the room as Himchan regained his breath. This was so wonderful and confusing, and he just couldn’t contain it. He had dismissed the feeling that he had lost, that he lost to his own game and that he had fallen because he lost to this wonderful man – and was it such a sweet loss that he just had.

“It’s overwhelming, isn’t it?” Jepp finally speaks, smiling at him, rubbing his thumbs over the fingers that clutched his tightly.

“Yes, yes it is,” finally finding his voice and the few words that he could still speak.

“I remember the time I felt that too, it was overwhelming,”

Of course, of course it is.

“Performing on stage was really a dream come true, I was so emotional, I was a mess!”

Wait. Hold up, Jepp.

“W—what?”

He gains a very proud pat from the man who was now sitting comfortably in front of him.

“I knew you would love it so I just went on with it and dragged you, oh man,” still very ecstatic.

The man stood up and urged the other to stand as well, patting their pants that had collected dust from the floor, Himchan had his eyes staring on nothing, the realization eating him, and the shameful hopelessness that was consuming his insides.

“God, you were so brilliant out there, I should drag you more often,” another pat,

And one last friendly embrace.

“I knew you could do it, Himchan! I’ll definitely write a song for you to perform,”

He mouthed more words on how Himchan was so good. That he was walking off and that he’d wait for Himchan outside after he freshens himself up. The other man, however, could no longer register a word he said, everything just sounded like a buzz and everything just passed him by. And then it hit him, and the world sunk.

Well, .

Himchan had an awkward expression. It was a cross between laughing and dry sobbing. He slumped to the floor once more, mentally beating himself and hitting himself quite hard.

Pabo.

One hit.

Jepp, pabo.

Two hits.

Himchan, pabo.

Finally clutching his head, his face, his anything. Frustration. That was the perfect description to what he was feeling. He felt so angry and disappointed, frustrated, that Jepp was so oblivious, that… that he was so stupid to think that… what, exactly?

The man clutched his face, he was not crying but he just felt so empty and as if an anvil had sunk into the depths of his soul.

Now, what.

He didn’t know exactly. What hit him hard is the realization that he was feeling these for the young man who only had his music in his head. It was difficult, he had never experienced this before. He was the flawless Kim Himchan after all, and whoever he wanted, whoever he desired would easily fall upon his feet – free for the talking. But this man, Jepp Blackman, whose name – shamefully – he doesn’t even know… what were the odds that he would fall for a man like him?

But surely, no matter how his whole being protested, there was no denying that there was nothing not to love about the man.

Love.

Even he, himself, could not believe how he could use such a word. It was a strong word.

And it was dangerous.

- - -

“You didn’t really have to walk me home,” Himchan told him bluntly, far unlike the many times he had said the same lines. He was neither cheery, flirty or whatever else, he was blank. He didn’t feel good and hours weren’t enough for him to recover from the frustration that he just felt.

“Nah, it’s the least I can do after tiring you out,” he offers a smile.

Himchan wondered how long he could go on like this, dwelling on his frustration and feeling all these fade away with a single smile.

“Oh, I—”

“Hm?”

“Thanks, for today, I appreciate it, really,” offering a smile back.

“I’ll see you around?”

“Yeah, I’ll be there on your next performance,”

“Yeah,”

And he turns the knob to head inside, like how he always did, so that the man could walk away knowing he was safe.

“I’ll see you around, Jepp,” a final remark,

“Yongguk,”

“Huh?” He turns his head,

“My name’s Bang Yongguk.”

Offering one last warm smile, a final wave, and he walks off.

He said his name was Bang Yongguk.

Finally, the man he loved had a name.

His name was Bang Yongguk.

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Note: Thank you for staying by me and the story. I hope you find this as satisfying as the last few chapters I had. Thank you again for all the support!