Part II

“Mommy, blue!” Lila calls, snapping Yoona back to attention.

“Yes, blue,” Yoona says happily. “Good job, honey!”

Lila draws a huge spiral shape in the middle of the page. “Pretty!” She cheers.

Yoona wraps her arms around her daughter’s waist and kisses her cheek. “Just like Lila.”

They are sitting at the dining room table, Lila in Yoona’s lap. Crayons are everywhere and for once Yoona isn’t worried that one of them will roll under the radiator and melt all over the floor. Her head has been in the clouds for weeks now.

“Red,” Lila muses, tapping the blue crayon against her cheek. “Red, red, red…”

Yoona grabs a crayon hovering at the edge of the table. “Red.”

Lila throws down the blue crayon and takes the red one. “Yay red!” And she scribbles a squiggly line over her blue spiral.

Yoona glances at the clock. “Daddy’s late,” she sighs, leaning her cheek on top of her daughter’s head.

Lila doesn’t stop coloring. “Daddy working?”

“Yes, daddy is working.” Yoona says distractedly.

“Daddy is a teacher and mommy is a booker,” Lila trills and Yoona almost chokes on air.

“Mommy is a writer,” she corrects, laughing.

“Writer,” Lila parrots. She turns around in Yoona’s arms and smiles widely. “And Lila is three!”

Yoona grins. “Yes, Lila is three. Very good!”

Lila turns back to her coloring book. Yoona Lila’s hair and kisses her head. She’s such a smart little girl, Yoona thinks proudly. She’s been one wonder after another, Yoona almost can’t keep track of all her daughter’s amazing qualities. She didn’t cry nearly as much as Yoona expected her too, she started sleeping through the night at an early age and took to sleeping in her own room very well. As she got older, Lila listened to instructions, said please and thank you, played nice with other kids and loved her parents.

She was so mild and quiet, for a while Yoona wondered if something was wrong with her.

“Be glad,” the pediatrician told her, “She’s just a good kid.”

Yoona wondered if maybe her little girl knew how anxious she’d been about being a good mother, and every now and then when Lila was sleeping or playing by herself, Yoona would stand very still and watch her. She’d close her eyes and thank Lila for being such a perfect little angel.

Smiling to herself now, Yoona pats her little girl’s arm. “Who’s mommy’s favorite girl?” she asks.

“Lila is!” Lila cheers, clapping her hands.

“That’s right, Lila is!” Yoona says.

Lila pushes herself up and turns around, throwing her arms around Yoona’s neck. “Lila loves mommy,” She says, kissing Yoona’s cheek.

Yoona picks her daughter up and hugs her tightly. “Mommy loves Lila,” she whispers. “Mommy loves Lila very much.” And then she flips her daughter upside down and blows a raspberry on her stomach.

Lila shrieks and laughs. Yoona flips her right side up and kisses her cheek. “What’s better than mommy’s kisses?” She asked.

“Lila’s kisses!” Lila crows confidently, planting a kiss on her mother’s cheek.

The front door opens and they both look over. “Lila, daddy’s home!” Yoona gasps. Kris looks up and beams at the pair of them.

Lila squeals. “Daddy’s home! Daddy’s home!” Yoona quickly puts her daughter down and watches as she races into Kris’ arms. He scoops her up and eyes her curiously.

“Who’s this big girl?” He asks. “Yoona, where’s my little girl?”

“Me!” Lila says happily. “Daddy’s little girl.”

Kris gasps and shakes his head. “No, you’re too big!”

Lila giggles and tugs on Kris’ shirt. “Is not.”

“Is not?” Kris echoes. “You’re daddy’s little girl?”

Lila claps her hands. “Yes, daddy’s little girl!” And she hugs her father.

Yoona slides over and puts her hand on Kris’ arm. “What are you hiding behind your back?” She asks, taking advantage of Kris’ distracted state.

“What?” He asks as Lila kisss his cheek again and again. Yoona reaches over and ruffles Lila’s hair. “Save some kisses for mommy,” she teases.

Lila laughs and squirms. “Down, daddy. Put me down.”

Kris bends down and lets Lila scamper back to her coloring book. Yoona flicks Kris’ arm and repeats her question. “What are you hiding?”

Kris grins at her. “Oh, just a package.”

Yoona’s heart races and she gasps. “From who?” She cries, now grabbing Kris’ arm and trying to pull it around. “Who? Who?”

“Hoo!” Lila echoes. “Hoo, owl!”

Kris finally relents and hands the package over. Yoona tears it open and almost screams as her book falls out.

“Oh my gosh!” She yells. “I thought—I thought next week the earliest!”

Kris hugs her and murmurs in her ear, “I guess things went a little faster than we expected.”

For a second Yoona falters, but then Lila is dancing at her feet. “Me see, me see!” She begs, tugging on Yoona’s pants. Yoona bends down and shows her daughter the book.

“This is mommy’s book,” she says happily. Lila “Oohs” over the cover and Yoona flips it open. “See that?” She asks, pointing to the first page. “It says, ‘For Lila.’”

Lila jumps up and down. “Me?!” She cries.

Yoona hands her daughter the book. “You.”

Lila shrieks. “Thank you mommy!” And she runs into the back of the house to show Nai Nai her new book.

Yoona turns back to Kris and he kisses her slowly. “Congratulations on your third book,” he whispers against her lips.

Yoona smiles and tugs him back to her, kissing him again. It’s amazing how he can still do this to her, make her want more and more. She thinks she’ll never get enough of him.

She’s sitting on the counter, hands tangled in Kris’ hair as his hands creep up under blouse when she remembers.

“Kris,” she gasps, pulling away, “I’m pregnant.”

He blinks at her. “What?”

She pushes him back and hops down from the counter. “When I went to the doctor last week,” She explains, “I told him that I missed my period and he offered to check. He called me this afternoon.”

Kris stares at her. “What?” He repeats.

Yoona groans and covers her face. “I know,” she mutters. “Believe me, I’ve been in a state of shock all day.”

For the last two weeks actually, when she missed her period. Hell even before that, she just knew.

“But we’ve been really careful,” Kris protests. “We—”

“Hawaii,” Yoona reminds him.

She can see the realization on his face. “Oh. Oh.”

They’d flown to Hawaii with Jessica and Jay, and they’d celebrated Yoona and Kris’ tenth anniversary and Jay and Jessica’s second. They’d spent a week there and, well, maybe they hadn’t been as careful as they should have been.

Yoona and Kris had talked about having another baby, but they’d both agreed to wait a little longer. It looked like fate had other plans though.

“Well then,” Kris said, trying to grasp the concept. “We’re…we’re having another baby.”

Yoona watches him anxiously and he smiles. “This is a good thing.”

She smiles back. “Yes, this is a good thing.”

Then the smile drops and Yoona closes her eyes. “,” she whispers, “How do we explain this to Lila?”

///////////////

Yoona can tell almost immediately that this pregnancy is going to be very different from her last. She’s not as nauseous this time around, but her back and ankles ache constantly and she craves spicy food, though it’s bad for her to eat too much of it.

“It’s a boy,” she announces in her fourth month.

Kris doesn’t question her knowledge. “Please tell me you still like Jaden,” he begs.

She laughs and nods. “Yes, Jaden is fine.”

Lila takes the news very well, she’s ecstatic to be having a younger brother. She runs around telling everyone she meets that she’s going to be a big sister. Kris points out that it means she’ll have to share her pony and she doesn’t even mind.

They added an extension to the back of the house a few years ago—it’s Mrs. Wu’s room now, and Kris decides that they should add on top of that room and use it for baby Jaden. They have all the furniture left from Lila’s baby days, once the room is finished the only thing they have to do is paint it.

“Sea foam green,” Yoona decides. Kris rolls his eyes and mutters, “Whatever, they all look the same to me.”

Jessica calls her in her fifth month and announces that she’s pregnant too. They both cry with happiness and Jessica talks about how their babies will go to school together and be best friends and just imagine if she has a girl, maybe they’ll grow up and get married! Tiffany joins the baby party in Yoona’s eighth month.

“About time!” She explodes. “You certainly took your time with that!” Yoona has long been looking forward to pestering Tiffany day in and day out about what she’s going to name her kids.

When they go in for ultrasounds, Yoona never asks to know her baby’s gender. Even so, she’s right.

Jaden Wu is born on May 13 at 6:30 PM. Yoona’s labor lasts ten hours and it is not any better the second time around.

“One of each,” she pants, clutching her wailing son to her chest. “We have one of each and that’s it.”

Kris kisses her forehead. “That’s perfect,” he assures her.

Jessica has a boy—Cody, and Tiffany has a girl—Julia Rose.

////////////////

When Jaden is nine months old, Yoona decides that heaven is giving her all the problems Lila should have had coupled with the ones a normal baby has. Jaden is colicky and fussy, especially at night. Yoona hasn’t slept since he came home and she’s cracking under the pressure.

That’s not to say that there aren’t good days—sometimes the stars align and Yoona watches at Lila playing with her baby brother or Kris playing airplane with their babies and she feels like everything has turned out perfectly. She loves Jaden deeply, just as much as she loves Lila, but when the bad days come they hit her hard and stick with her.

One day she puts Jaden down for his nap and he starts to cry twenty minutes later. Yoona goes halfway into his room and stops cold, her chest constricting with fear. He’s not just crying, he’s screaming. It’s the most terrifying sound she’s ever heard and Yoona yells for Kris and he comes running, looking almost as panicky as she feels.

“Go,” she gasps, waving him past her. “Get him for me, just…”

He doesn’t even asks, just walks over to the crib and calmly picks up his wailing son. Yoona runs out of the room and collapse on her bed, taking deep breaths and trying not to cry herself. Eventually Kris comes in, still holding Jaden.

“I think he’s hungry,” He calls. Yoona forces herself to calm down—she needs to let her son nurse. Jaden isn’t crying as loudly anymore, but he’s still very much unhappy. Yoona sits up and brushes her hair back with shaking fingers. Kris looks at her nervously.

“Are you okay? I can take him outside if you need a minute.”

But she shakes her head and holds out her arms. Once he’s in her arms he quiets down and Kris sits behind Yoona and holds her steady until Jaden is done. Kris takes him back into the nursery and puts him back in the crib. When he comes back, Yoona is sitting on the bed crying.

“I don’t know what happened to me,” Yoona confesses. “I just…I couldn’t touch him, I was afraid to touch him.”

Kris holds her in his arms and she sobs into his chest. “What if he had been hurt? What if I’d been alone?”

“He wasn’t hurt and you weren’t alone,” Kris cuts in. “You panicked, it happens. It was a onetime thing.”

But it’s not a onetime thing. Over the months it happens again and again, Jaden will start to scream and Yoona will be paralyzed with fear. Sometimes she can force herself past it and is able to pick him up and hold him until he quiets down or somebody comes to help her, but the problem isn’t going away.

Yoona takes Jaden to five different doctors who all tell her that it’s just colic and he’ll get over it. When Jaden is fifteen months old, there is one night where he cries for almost four hours straight. It gets to the point where Lila comes into Yoona and Kris’ room and starts to cry too.

“I’m tired,” she sobs.

Kris takes Jaden from Yoona’s arms and tells her to take Lila downstairs. Yoona wraps her daughter up in her blanket and sits down in the living room with her.

“Is Jaden sick?” Lila asks, already half asleep again.

Yoona shifts so that Lila’s weight is a little more balanced on her chest and sighs. “I don’t know,” she admits. “I really don’t know.”

Lila is already asleep but Yoona continues to talk to her. “You were such a good baby. One day I’ll thank you properly for that. Jaden is a wonderful baby and I’m so thankful for him, but I honestly don’t know where I screwed up with him.”

Lila sighs in her sleep and Yoona hides her face in her daughter’s hair. “Why am I like this?” She whispers. “Why can’t I do anything right with him?”

When the cries finally stop Yoona caries Lila back upstairs and into her and Kris’ room. Kris looks almost twice as exhausted as she feels, but he gives her a confused look when she brings Lila into their bed.

“Isn’t she a little old for this?” He asks.

“Frankly I don’t care,” Yoona almost snaps. “I want her here.”

Kris doesn’t argue and Yoona falls asleep cuddling her little girl, consoling herself with the knowledge that if she could have one perfect baby she could have another.

///////////

As time goes on Yoona pushes resolutely forward with Jaden. She does everything she can to make the good days stand out in her mind, she plays with Jaden and learns that he loves animal books. She buys him one of those interactive readers and when he presses a button it meows or barks or whatever. They play with blocks and stuffed animals and even Lila’s dolls. She takes him to the playground and goes on the slides and swings with him. When he calls her ‘Mommy’ he at least sounds like he loves her, and Yoona clings to those happy times.

Sometimes it isn’t enough though. When Jaden is 19 months old, Yoona is downstairs writing her fifth children’s book when he suddenly begins to cry. He’s been down for his nap for fifteen minutes and for a minute Yoona considers letting him cry himself out. Mrs. Wu has been telling her to do that for a while now, she can’t keep running to him every time he gets fussy, but when he starts calling for her (“Mommy!! MommyMommyMommyyyyy!!”) she can’t ignore him anymore.

She starts upstairs as his cries get louder, by the time she’s in the door way he’s shrieking, pulling himself up on the bars of the crib. “MOMMY!!!”

Yoona runs to the crib and tries to pick him up, but he hits her arm and screams louder. Yoona jumps back, hands pressed to her chest.

“What?!” she demands, “What’s wrong?”

Of course he can’t answer, he just sobs louder. Yoona reaches for him again and finally gets him out of the crib, and he screams into her ear. Yoona winces and bounces him in her arms. She grabs the bottle in his crib and tries to put in his mouth, but he pushes it away. His diaper is clean, she inspects him all over and decides that he isn’t hurt, and he’s not feverish or cold but he will not stop crying.

Finally Yoona puts him back in the crib and turns to walk out of the room. If possible, he screams louder.

“Mommy!!!”

She turns around again and falls to her knees. “I can’t help you,” she cries. “I’m sorry, honey. I can’t help you.”

Kris comes home a few minutes later and finds Yoona curled up on the floor near the crib, trying to control her own tears while Jaden continues to cry. Kris calmly picks Yoona up off the floor and brings her downstairs. He makes her sit at the table and gives her a glass of water.

“Drink it slowly,” he orders. “I’ll take care of Jaden.”

Yoona grabs his wrist. “I tried,” she tells him desperately. “I tried so hard to help him, I just don’t know what to do anymore.”

Kris gently pries her fingers off of his arm and holds her hands. “I know,” he assures her. “I believe you.”

But Yoona continues to worry until Kris comes back downstairs and sits down with her.

“Something is wrong with me,” Yoona whispers. “I don’t know what it is but something is wrong with me. I just can’t be enough for him,” and she breaks off sobbing.

Kris gathers her in his arms and kisses her. “You are a wonderful mother.”

“I’m a horrible mother,” she cries. “I’ll never be good enough.”

Kris holds her face and keeps her head up so she has to look at him. “Yoona, you’re still here.”

Yoona goes very still. “What?”

Kris smiles at her. “You think you’re a horrible mother—but you’re still here. Despite your worries and all the bad things you are still here, still trying your best.”

And there it is—there’s the core of all her fears. Her own mother left because she couldn’t take it, who was to say she would be any better?

Kris goes on. “I know that you love your children very much, and I know that you are willing to stay and fight for them. That alone is enough to make you a very good mother, but you are so much more than that.”

Yoona sinks into his arms and she can feel him smiling. “You know I’m right.”

“Of course I know you’re right,” Yoona mutters. “You’re always right.”

After a moment she pulls back and kisses Kris softly. “You are a wonderful husband,” she tells him. “And you are an incredible father.”

He smiles at her and pulls her back for another kiss. “Thank you,” he whispers against her lips. “I try.”

//////////////

Yoona holds Jaden on her lap and stares at the doctor open mouthed. “So you’re telling me that all this time, it’s been because of an ear infection?”

She casts a disbelieving look at Kris, who looks equally shocked. “Why didn’t anybody catch this before?” He demands.

Dr. Kim sighs sadly. “It’s not really the first thing people think of,” she explains. “A lot of doctors write fussy babies off as colicky, like what happened to you, but at a certain point it becomes obvious that it’s something more. One of those doctors would have caught on eventually, it’s just sad that you’ve had to go through this for two years now.”

Jaden squirms in Yoona’s lap and she lets him stand up on her legs. He slumps over her shoulder and whines. “Mommy…”

She pats his back and Dr. Kim gives her a sympathetic look. “My daughter had this problem too,” she confesses. “I can only imagine what it’s done to you.”

Yoona swallows and nods. “It’s been a rough road.”

“But luckily,” Dr. Kim says brightly, “It’s a very simple thing to fix.”

She goes into detail about the procedure. All Yoona absorbs is that Jaden will be placed under local anesthesia while the tube is inserted in his ear, and Dr. Kim holds out a tiny tube similar to the one she’s going to use.

“It’s designed to stay in place for about two years. It will either fall out on it's own as he grows up, or I’ll remove it myself when he’s older.”

Kris sits back and massages his temples. “I can’t believe all this time it was just because of an earache,” he says again.

Dr. Kim laughs. “That’s not the first time I’ve heard that. This isn’t something they tell you about in Babies 101, but it should be. A lot of kids will have problems with fluid buildup in their ears.”

Jaden flops down and tugs on Yoona’s shirt. “Mommy, go home,” he whines.

Yoona brushes his bangs back and kisses his forehead. “Soon,” she promises. “Very soon.” He’s tired and hungry, and now she knows that he’s uncomfortable too.

Luckily Dr. Kim is about finished with them. “You can schedule an appointment with my secretary,” she says. “Your insurance company will cover the procedure.”

One the way home, Yoona bursts out laughing. “So that’s it,” she gasps. “Once this is done…that’s it?”

Kris nods. “I guess so.”

Yoona sighs and looks back at Jaden, who is sound asleep in his car seat. “I can’t say I’m not nervous about the anesthesia,” she admits.

Kris hums in agreement. “But I am glad that we finally have an answer.”

Otitis Media, or infection of the middle ear due to fluid buildup. Finally they have a name to give the problem that has turned their son into a fussy, crying mess. It wasn’t anything Yoona had done wrong, it wasn’t anything anyone had done wrong—it was a common problem, one that was apparently easy to fix.

They set up an appointment about a month later. Jaden is very young and doesn’t fully understand what is happening to him, but he knows something is up. The day they go to the hospital he is nervous and clings to Yoona like a baby koala. When she straps him into his car seat and tries to close the door, he starts to cry.

Yoona immediately bends to kiss his cheek and coo softly, “It’s okay, baby.”

He wraps his arms around her neck and cries into her shoulder. Yoona sighs and climbs into the backseat.

“I’ll just stay here and read to him,” she tells Kris.

Jaden brightens up when she pulls out his favorite book, Jaden’s Farm.

“Jaden lives on a farm with his family,” Yoona reads. “Jaden has lots of animals. This is Jaden’s dog. What does the dog say?”

“Moo!” Jaden cries, pointing at a picture of a cow on the next page.

“Not yet,” Yoona corrects weakly,  but Jaden grabs the book and flips through the pictures, pointing at all the animals and yelling their names.

“Cat, meow!” He squeals.

“Meow,” Yoona echoes.

Jaden grins at her. “Meow,” he says again. He points to Yoona. “Mommy cat!”

Yoona kisses his cheek. “Baby cat,” she laughs.

At the same time they look at Kris. “Daddy Cat!” They say together.

Kris looks at the pair of them in the rearview mirror. “Caw,” he says. Jaden laughs.

“No daddy! Meow!”

Kris goes through every animal in the book, and every time Jaden laughs harder. “Meow!” He cries.

Finally, Kris gets to the cat. “Meow?”

Jaden shakes his head. “Woof!” He shrieks, laughing hysterically. “Puppy!! Woof!”

Yoona doubles over with laughter. “One day I am going to get that on camera,” she gasps when she finally sits up.

Kris shakes his head. “He’ll never do it on camera,” he says through his own laughter.

Jaden claps his hands. “Again!”

“Again,” Yoona echoes. “Do it again, daddy.”

She doesn’t need to look to know that Kris is smiling just as widely as she is.

//////////

By the time Jaden turns three, things have settled down. The procedure was successful, Yoona and Kris are no longer woken up at 1 AM when their son starts screaming. Lila is in first grade and has her entire class captivated with her stories about playing with baby horses. Yoona is working on her first young adult novel. Kris is still teaching film, but he’s finally gotten the opportunity to have a class that focuses solely on Chinese film. Mrs. Wu is still riding horses, and she just won a competition in dressage. Jessica is pregnant with her second child and Tiffany swears up and down that one is enough (Yoona is expecting her to cave soon though). Yoona’s older sister is living in New York City and dating a fellow doctor at the hospital she works in, Yoona fully expects her to get married within the next two years.

It hasn’t been an easy road, but every once in a while Yoona looks back and thinks that it all happened for a reason. Everything she’s gone through has made her who she was today, and she’s proud of who she’s become. It may not have been what she’d planned on, but it’s what she wants. She has two beautiful children, a job she loves and a husband she adores.

Every night she kisses Kris goodnight and thanks him for believing in her. Every night he responds by thanking her for never giving up on herself.

“I’m really proud of you,” he adds one night.

Yoona smiles at him. “I’m proud of us. We’ve done pretty well for ourselves, haven’t we?”

“We sure have,” Kris agrees, wrapping his arms around her waist.

It’s quiet for a while, and Yoona wonders if Kris has gone to sleep.

“You awake?” She asks. Kris hums.

She pulls back a bit and pokes him. “I think I want to go back to school.”

Kris opens his eyes. “Really?”

“Not right now,” Yoona adds quickly. “I’ll wait until Jaden is in school, but honestly I feel like your mother can handle the horses on her own for a little while.”

“What do you want to study?” Kris asks.

“History. Asian history.” She’s been thinking about it for a while—she did a little research and she’s found a lot of women from the past who have inspired her. She wants to write about them and their worlds, but first she has to learn about them. This is her heritage, her children’s heritage, she wants to do this for them as well as herself.

“Well then go for it,” Kris tells her. She can hear excitement in his voice. “I’ll help you. We can look into schools tomorrow if you want. Hell I can get my laptop and we can start right now!”

He starts to get up and Yoona grabs him and pulls him back down. He starts to say something but Yoona cuts him off with a kiss. He’s surprised, even more so when she winds her arms around his neck and refuses to let go. He hovers over her, one hand tangled in her hair and the other holding himself up. When they finally break away they’re both panting.

“Wow, what was that for?” He laughs breathlessly.

Yoona pouts. “I can’t kiss my husband?” She teases. Kris growls playfully and leans down again.

“Of course you can, you can do that whenever you feel like it,” he says hopefully.

Yoona kisses his neck and he inhales sharply. “I don’t think I say this often enough,” She whispers against his skin. “But you really are so wonderful to me. I love you so much.”

Kris catches with his. “I love you, too,” he says between kisses. “And for the record, you’re pretty wonderful yourself.”

They continue kissing for a little while and Yoona pulls back sharply. “No more kids,” she reminds him.

“I know,” he says quickly. “I remember.”

FINALLY THIS MONSTER IS DONE. 11,000+ WORDS OTL I AM DONE DONE DONE.

I really think this is the last part. Thank you all for reading, commenting and subscribing. It has been a pleasure to see how loved this series was.