Don't hesitate to listen to the song when you read the story, the song is meaningful because it portrays the struggle of love in a immersing and captivating way.

 Link to the song_ Obsession(Shinee) from plenty8nobody

Blue Text (Onew Voice)

Green Text (Song lyrics)

Italics - Inner Emotions

Close your eyes 

Imagine a long empty alley in front of you 

You are walking calmly up down the path, towards the roof of the building 

With every step you take, the closer you are to the exit 

The door would lead you to a whole new world outside 

Turn the knot and open the door 

Take a deep breath and tell me what you see, Jonghyun?

The voice sounded in my brain as I felt myself following his words, walking down the foreign pathway in front of me.

It was bright and empty. 

The narrow white walls surrounding me were making me feel claustrophobic.

With every step I took, the journey seems endless.

It felt as though I was trapped inside with no escape.

My head spin as I felt myself drifting away.

My heart started thumping anxiously against my chest.

 I wanted to run but my legs were rooted to the ground.

Where am I?

Why am I here?

Why can’t remember anything?

 My hands tremble more. I’ll lose my focus shortly

 I wonder why my broken legs are standing here

 I can’t even remember.

I become scared

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“Hyung, I don’t want to be jailed, help me?

“Hee-chul-ah, the only option is to end you life to save your dignity and protect you family”

“Thump”.....................

“HaHaHaHaHa..............”  loud laughters echoed in the air.

 ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

“Stop” I screamed, I don’t want to heard the voice again and again.

I don’t want to recall all of this, it’s killing me.

This can’t be true.

“ Appa.........appa........ Where are you? Don’t leave us. You can’t die. How are we going to live without you” I cried frantically.

Who, who is the person that is laughing?

Why are you doing this to my father?

Why, are you taking him away from me? 

 Where’s the person that is laughing just now?

 Why, have the joke-like voices left?

You’re far away

Why, is it getting dim?

These scars are like shackles  

“Appa, where are you? I can’t see you It is too dark in here. Please come out, don’t hide yourself from me. Please, I’m begging you. Come out. It’s my fault, my fault. I should have tried to save you. I shouldn’t just hide behind the pottery and witness your death. If I have tried to do more, you will not die, it’s all my fault. I’m sorry”

 Curse me

Curse me for letting go

 My collapsing heart is screaming.

Don’t throw me away

 Don’t leave me alone. I’m shouting

 I want you

I want you like crazy

 Your lips that leave me, shouldn’t love

 Don’t love me

 I threw you away

“Appa, you shouldn’t have loved us, we’re not worth it for you to sacrifice your life for us. I don’t want you to sacrifice yourself for us. I’m sorry, so sorry for being such a coward that can’t even save you. Don’t love me; I’m such a useless son. Mianhae.”

Tears trickled down my cheeks as I struggled with the overwhelming emotions erupting in me. 

I was the accomplice of the crime. I contributed to my father’s death.

“Please forgive me, appa. I didn’t mean to do this. Please, don’t go. I miss you, miss you so much that I can’t even live a day without thinking about you.”

A pair of strong hands pressed against my shoulder to stop my struggling as his voice muffled calmly into my ears.

Relax, Jonghyun. Relax

Take a deep breath. Inhale, hold and then exhale.

Keep your eyes closed

Can you see the door in front of you?

Walk slowly towards it

Turn the knot and open the door

 The door would lead you to a whole new world outside

 It will bring a new beginning to your life

 Believe me

My heart calmed down as I comprehended his words.

Could I really move on with my life like before after experiencing all these horrible things?

Will there be a bright future waiting for me behind this door?

Endless questions bombarded my mind as I reach out my trembling hand to push open the door.

 Immediately, a blinding white light blurred my vision causing my pupils to constrict in pain.

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“Jonghyun” A familiar voice called out to me. “Come here”

The figure waving his hands, signaling me to walk towards him.

“Appa” The word rang in my head, the voice belongs to my father.

Am I dreaming?

Could it really be him?

I dashed toward the figure, crashing myself into his arms.

The familiar zesty scent of his cologne drifted into my nose.

It’s him, it’s really him.

I felt his arms embracing me into a tight hug as he freed one of his hand to riffle my hair as usual.

 I raised my head and glanced into his eyes.

It was filled with sorrow and grief making my inside cringes in regret.  

I felt the unspoken words that were lingering on his lips.

Jonghyun-ah

All I wanted was to simply give you a never ending love

 I have no idea that this excessive love would strangle you

Mianhae. 

It’s my fault that you are still suffering internally because of my death

I thought what I did was the best for you but I hurt you deeply didn’t I?

I’m sorry my son

“Appa, I cried, shaking my head vigorously “No, you didn’t do anything wrong”

The only mistake that you did was to love us too much

 Willing to die for the sake for our future.

I understand your love for us but it still hurt to know that you are gone.

We loved you too, don’t you know?

Those days when I was torn by my wounded heart

 A love that had lost its way

I fill up with tears

 Why? Is it that I still only bring out sad hellos?

 Why? Just until today, don’t push me away

Mianhae, Appa

 Curse me. Curse me for letting go

 My collapsing heart is screaming.

Don’t throw me away

 Don’t leave me alone. I’m shouting

 I want you, I want you like crazy

Your lips that leave me, shouldn’t love

 Don’t love me, I threw you away

I hope that you will catch on

 That I’m different from you

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Jonghyun, are you ok?

Have you opened the door

Take a deep breath and tell me what you see

“No…………” I yelled as the figure of my father encircled in my arms vanished into thin air.

The voice brought me back to reality.

My hands were still clutching tightly on to the door knob and my legs rooted to the ground.

I was too scared to step through the door as I was very sure I know where it will leads to.

 It’s the place that haunts me every night without fail. 

 I even embrace your nightmare from last night

Jonghyun. 

Do you hear me?

Walk through the door

Your father is waiting for you there

He is reaching out his hand to you

Take his hand

Take it and you can save his life

Take his hand

And you can live your life without regrets

 Please, Jonghyun. Do it.

▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

Before I even know it, I was lying flat at the edge of the building with both of my hands intertwined with my father’s hands.

He was hanging for his dear life and the only support he had to keep him from falling was my strength pulling him back.

 Don’t let go of my hand  

Don’t appa. No matter what don’t let go.

“Jonghyun, release your grip” he pleaded, staring sadly into my eyes. “You have to let go or else my weight will pull you down too”

“Don’t be sad my son, you have tried your best to save me. It’s time for me to go and that’s a fact that will not change. I have no regrets in my life but it’s only a pity that I don’t have a chance to watch you and your brother grow up, get marry and have children. Help me to take care of your mother and brother. Remember, my heart will always be with you even when we are far apart.” he said before releasing his hands. 

 Curse me. Curse me for letting go

My collapsing heart is screaming

Don’t throw me away

 Don’t leave me alone. I’m shouting

 I want you, I want you like crazy

 Your lips that leave me, shouldn’t love

 Don’t love me. I threw you away

▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

“Don’t” I yelled as I jolted up in my bed, cold sweat streaming down my face as I open my eyes to observe my surrounding.

I was transported to another place again.

This time it was my bedroom that I slept in when I was a child.

It felt very cozy and comforting to be here again.

I raised my hands, trying to stretch my aching body when I noticed I was holding a letter in my hand.

Open and read the letter 

It’s from your father

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To: My dearest son               

                         Jonghyun, when you read this letter I’m already gone. It also time for you to move on. Forget about me and don’t blame yourself or anyone for my death.

Death is a natural process that all of us have to go through, it is only a matter of time. I did everything for the love of my family and I am proud of my decision so don’t feel sad for me. I love you.

From: 

Your beloved father, Heechul

▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

Appa, is this really goodbye?

Happy memories of our family flooded my mind but the pain of being left behind still cuts my heart.

The coldness of the bed reminds me that he will never be there to accompany me anymore when I am sick, cold or scared.

He had left to a faraway place leaving all of us behind.

Your side, your side has become cold

 Don’t leave me, my torn heart

 Don’t go further away, although I am holding your hand

Remember, end it, I can’t forget you

Appa, I will revenge for you

I will make him pay back for making me lose you

 I won’t forget my pain of being thrown away

 I can’t forget it.

You’re the one who gave it to me

Choi Si won

I will make you and your family pay for all your crimes

Even the reason for love become a sin

The deep wounds slowly burnt up and turned into ash

 But to forget would be more painful than to lose it

Without, revenge

What should I live for?

 As I kill my breath

I am going to die from the agony of goodbye

Those moments, bring it back

 Appa, I really missed you

 Don’t throw me away

 ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

Jonghyun, wake up, wake up

The therapy is over

Onew hyung’s low but steady voice disrupted my thoughts, waking me up from the deep sleep.

I rubbed my eyes tiredly.

 It actually felt good.

I can’t remember the last time I have slept so soundly like today since I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder.

“Gwenchana” he asked, glancing at me in concern. “It’s your first hypnotherapy, how do you find it?”

“It was better than I thought it would be. It has eased some of the guilt I had regarding my father’s death” I replied honestly.

But it enhanced my desire of revenge

“That’s great, then we will have another session the following week” he said as he started scribbling some notes on his diary.

“Jonggie” Key whined, cuddling into my arms.

“How is it? Are you hungry? I’ve made dinner with Yoona ajumma, let’s go and eat. We will be leaving soon remember” he said, hooking onto my arm while his other hand clinged onto Onew hyung’s arm.

I noticed the slight sadness in his voice because he clearly didn’t want to leave this place but he doesn’t have a choice.

 We will be going to live with our uncle starting from tomorrow and my revenge plan is starting soon.

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