I could feel his rapid heartbeat, his fingers running gently through my short hair. I had insisted that we’d lay down like this, my head on his chest, one hand on his stomach. I could feel him breathe in and out slowly, knowing he tried to calm down his fast beating heart. He would never admit it, but I knew he thought this was cruel of me because I knew he liked me, but he didn’t know that I wanted to be like this to figure out what I was feeling. He had kissed me and even though it didn’t last long, he had his lips pressed on my own and that had sent so many different emotions through my body that I couldn’t contain them any longer. Also, he had seemed so sad at the beach just now, I really needed to take that pain away and that was one of those things that made me insecure about that mere friendship I said to feel for him.

For instance, I knew my own heart was beating at an even faster rate than his at the moment, that warmth that spread throughout me wasn’t like anything I felt with the others. Joonmyun-hyung tended to make me smile when he did, he could make me nervous when he was, but he was never able to make me feel tingly like Jongin could. Sehunnie gave me the feeling of being a hyung, he wanted to be taken care of and when his favorite hyung wasn’t around, he often wanted me to take that role. Both Baekhyun and Chanyeol wanted me to team up with them against the other so usually, we were just being playful and friendly together.

But when it came to Jongin, I really wasn’t sure. His smile managed to ignite fires inside of my body which I wasn’t used to and whenever the situation allowed it, his tears – “Jongin-ah… you should never cry…” – were like daggers through my heart. I didn’t really think of it as anything else but strong friendship until Jongin had told me what he felt. That confused me so much that I couldn’t respond, even when I went to get him from the beach an hour ago, I didn’t know what to say. I tried to avoid the topic and tell him that we were good friends but really, I wasn’t so sure anymore. Especially after that kiss.

“Hyung… Why are you doing this to me right now…” He sounded so beaten that I had to swallow away that familiar hurt feeling he always gave me with his own pain. “Why do you let me touch you, why are you trying to get me to like you even more?” I focused on his heartbeat, knowing this would be one of the things that could keep me in reality instead of drifting off into worlds that weren’t there.

“I… I’m not sure, Jongin, that’s why… I’m trying to figure out why you make me feel like this, so insecure and still content… I thought you meant nothing more to me, but thinking about it without trying to assume things before understanding… I believe I do like you. I mean, that kiss you gave me, do you know how much you confused me with that?” I got no answer, except for his heart skipping a beat. “I think I have been blind, that I just never understood. Like this, I…” I didn’t know how to continue, so I lifted up my face from his chest and looked at him, seeing the tears brim in his eyes. Tears. Remember I told you not to cry? “Jongin I’m sorry for lying!” Panic was slowly seeping its way into my system, how could I have been so blind? “You mean the world to me… How is it even possible to think I don’t like you… Oh god I’m so sorry for being so stupid…” I started sobbing but managed to see how Jongin blinked his own tears away.

“Hyung, it’s okay, just don’t cry…” Says you, while you were crying just a second ago. I was pulled into his embrace and not long after, there was no trace of my pathetic state left as I smiled into his neck, savoring his smell because I had kept thinking that was a bad thing to do before. Not only was he good-looking, sweet – though not onstage, then he was charismatic –, a great dancer with a great body… he also smelled like all that, wonderful to me. I felt like I had betrayed him because I had said that I didn’t know if I liked him, but on the other hand, I didn’t know that. I just never thought it would take me so long to realize such an obvious thing… I guessed I just needed things to be shoved into my face before they could make themselves clear to me.

“Why did you say that… about me telling you to leave?” I asked, still buried in the crook of his neck where I wanted to stay for the rest of forever. The tingles spread throughout my body again when his hand – now confidently – ran across my back towards the back of my neck.

“Well I… thought you’d be scared off by me, because I see you differently… so as my hyung, you might have thought you wanted me to be gone as soon as possible.” Wow, was that what he was thinking? Just because he liked me would never be a reason for me to want him out of my life, even if I hadn’t realized that I had felt the same since a long time.

“Even if I didn’t like you, you are my friend, my best friend.” I swallowed and pulled back to look at him again, seeing a sweet blush on his cheeks. “But I do like you, so now there really is no way in hell that I am ever going to let you go.” This time, it was me who leaned down and kissed his slightly smiling lips, those soft lips that had touched mine for the first time ever about an hour ago. I pulled back, laid my body next to his and made myself aware of the massive heat that I felt under his blankets with the warmth of his body spreading through me. “Don’t leave me, please.” I heard that low chuckle of his, which made me smile instantly, like I had always done before and I knew that was one thing I never wanted to change.

“I won’t.” His hand caressed my face and I was slowly melting under his touch, silently cursing myself for being the most stupid person alive for not noticing what he did to me, what he had always done to me. 

 

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So. Teehee are you not drowning in angst anymore? :DD This really feels like one of the sappiest things I have ever written xD I don't know if it's true, though, because I've written loads of... rainbows and unicorns xD 

Thank you for reading, subscribing and commenting! <3

Oh I will also add tags of which couples I'm writing about (another thing of my smart thinking commenter - or maybe my own dumbness ^-^) so if the chapters will show unread again, I'm sorry ;_; (I don't know if anyone else is completely annoyed when that happens, but it really does annoy me xD)