The beach stretched far, but in my view, there was only a small piece of it, just a few meters of sand in front of my eyes. The sun had lit it up, warmed it, as well as the ocean that lie behind the grains, the water that seemed at such ease while my mind was a tornado. The spoken words sent chills down my spine, I had made mistakes and the only thing I wanted to do, was undo all of that. But undoing all of what I had said, taking all those things back, would mean he would never know. And he needed to know, even if he’d tell me he’d want me to step out of this, if he wanted me to leave EXO and find something better to do with my life. It would have been worth it, if only he said something. He didn’t. He stared at me with those bulging eyes as if I had been a monster passing through his peaceful world. I was afraid that the things I said could have only made things worse while I wanted him to understand why I had behaved the way I did…

“Jongin-ah… I don’t get it anymore, you used to be so happy when I asked you to dance together… Now all you ever do is play videogames and you… you walk away when I talk to you.” I had stayed silent, I didn’t know what to answer to that. Of course he was right; I had stopped liking dancing ever since I started noticing sides of Kyungsoo that I wasn’t used to. The side that made your jaw drop, the sheer sensuality when dancing to certain songs, the small things I saw changing in him whenever we went to practice together… I couldn’t handle it, it took away my love for dancing while letting my love for Kyungsoo and all he was worth, grow every minute… He didn’t even know I liked him, how could he understand if I told him such nonsense all at that time? “This is exactly what I mean! You don’t even respond when I’m talking to you… You’re hurting me, Jongin.” I locked eyes with him, my eyes probably as wide as his at that moment.

“No, Kyungsoo, I… I don’t want to hurt you. If you’re hurt then you’re taking it the wrong way…”

“Then what way should I take it, huh?! You’re pushing me away, I thought we were friends…”

“To me, you’re not a friend. Not anymore.” It took a while before those words had settled in his mind, but when they did, his eyes watered.

“What did I ever do wrong then…” his voice sounded muffled behind his hand and through the broken sobs.

“You didn’t do anything wrong… I mean, if this is who you are… Then I know enough, then I know it is my fault and then I will just take the words. Tell me to leave, because I like you. I shouldn’t like you, but you have to know anyways.”

After waiting for five minutes without any reaction, I had run away, like a coward. I chuckled bitterly, I was a coward. At least a coward who told the truth in the end. The sun was setting, but my tears were rising. They wanted to drip down my cheeks, leave my body and taking the sadness within me, with them, but they couldn’t. I couldn’t cry because I felt like I was in no position to do so. What if I had hurt Kyungsoo like this? What if all this while, he had thought of me as nothing more than just a simple friend – which I was almost certain of – and now I had tainted all his images of me… Of course he could never look at me the same way again, I had betrayed his trust because I looked at him differently then he looked at me. I saw him as the person I liked while he saw me as his friend, the one he practiced dancing with.

The tide started changing, dipping my toes in the warmed water. I didn’t bother backing off or standing up to return to the dorm. I didn’t want to face him and tell him more harmful words or hear him scold at me or see him cry… I wanted nothing of that, I just wanted some peace in my heart, which I would never find, not even sitting before the calmness of the sea.

I dozed off, the day having drained me too much to even stay awake at this point. I was slowly falling down to meet the sand, slowly reaching my dreams in which everything would be okay. My eyes closed and I hit the harsh reality that told me words, that kept me from meeting the brown-gray grains underneath me.

“God, Jongin! I thought we lost you!” I smiled, my eyes still closed. Why would Kyungsoo have been here, to save me from drowning in the sea? Would he have realized his undying love for me as well? “Come on, wake up… You’re too heavy for me!” He shook my shoulders roughly and eventually, I was able to pry one eye open. I met his bulging eyes, the same look he had given me after my confession.

“You didn’t say anything.” I stated, not making any attempt to get up from the sand. His arms wrapped around my torso, under my armpits and he tried dragging me further away from the sea. “Were you going to tell me to leave?”

“Yah… What do you take me for? We’re friends, Jongin and friends don’t abandon each other.” Friends. Friends, friends, friends… nothing more than that, right, Kyungsoo… “Come on, I think you’re going crazy or something.” Finally being able to pull me up on my feet, Kyungsoo supported me to a bench covered by the last rays of the sunlight. I looked over to the ocean, finding the waves had grown slightly, as if they were about to crash with the beach, but they didn’t do that just yet. “Jongin-ah… That I don’t like you that way doesn’t mean that I don’t like you… I was just… I didn’t expect you to tell me you did like me that way… Because in all honesty… you don’t seem like the person to like guys.” I snorted, how would he know…

“So? I do. You don’t seem like the person to have enough muscle strength to pull me up and you did.” His hand rested on my shoulder and I tried to make myself believe he didn’t notice, why would he have done that if he knew I was gay and he knew I liked him… He wasn’t going to give me any wrong signs, he wasn’t like that.

“Well yeah… I guess I did. Jongin… I can’t lose you, okay? And I know that I already am losing you, because… because you’re thinking like this… But I don’t want that, you are important to me, more important than any of the others, because you’re… I don’t know how to describe it but you’re… different to me.” He frowned hard, then bit his lip. “That kind of… warmth you give me, I don’t feel that with the others… though I… I don’t know if I like you.”

“It’s okay. You don’t have to make stuff up just because I see you that way. I just need to know if I have to stay away from you now…”

“I just told you that I need you, I don’t ever want you to stay away from me.” The sound of a large wave crashing with the beach caught my attention and I looked over. The sun’s last beams shone on both our feet which were covered by some grains of the light sand, it felt as if the whole scene was telling me that I was right. I snapped my head back to Kyungsoo who was expectantly looking at me, as if he wanted me to find the answers for him. I cupped his cheek and to my surprise, he didn’t back away and his eyes didn’t bulge like before. My heart beating loudly in my chest, I bent over and kissed his lips gently, as if not wanting to scare either of us away. When I pulled back after mere seconds, his face was flushed. “Just don’t… Don’t ever leave me.”

 

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