He wasn’t being himself, it was quite easy to see that. He fiddled with those pretty fingers more often than before; he didn’t do that at all before. He was always confident, he even told the fans in an interview that he wasn’t the one to be shy or insecure. Yet, lately, he had been an insecure mess that didn’t want to talk to me no matter what I did. I thought of the things I could have done wrong, but nothing popped in mind when I did, it was all blank.

I was a thinker, I had always been like that. It might have been the reason why I was thinking this over and over for the past week, ever since it started happening. He just wasn’t like this and if he never was, why would he have been now? My best friend was gone all of a sudden, it was as though we had never had that one first day, when we decided we’d be friends. It was as though we hadn’t shared all those memories ever since back then. He didn’t know, of course he didn’t know, but I liked him, when there was something, anything, on my mind, it was him.

Even if I talked to him, he ignored me, maybe not directly and I always saw that glint in his eyes, but he never spoke to me. He averted his gaze, directed it to either his chopsticks, the light-switch or his shoes; whatever came in view. He blushed often, another thing he never did before and it just hurt me so much that I didn’t know what was on his mind.

He probably wasn’t aware of the pain that those actions had cost me, since I wasn’t used to him like that. Well, who would have been? He had been my friend – and the person I liked – for almost two years and all of a sudden, he had turned his back on me. And not only me, he was being more distant to everyone in the dorm. He would act playful outside, when we were in constant view of cameras, but the smiles were never real anymore.

It hadn’t been long since we had gone to bed and I sat up straight, watching Baekhyun, who lay on his back on his own bed. He didn’t lie under the covers, which was unusual because Baekhyun was always cold. Though, the thing that captured my attention, was that his hands were folded over his stomach, fingers intertwined with each other. I couldn’t deny that I liked looking at those fingers, those terribly beautiful fingers that had seemed to capture the fans as well. I glanced over at his face, even while sleeping he didn’t look peaceful. That in itself was enough to put a frown on my face. I wanted to see that carefree smile again, those light chuckles that never failed to make me smile…

While staring, I nearly got a heart-attack when Baekhyun made his famous yelping sound, giving away that he was only just now on his way to sleep. Though due to the sound he made, he shot up again, waking himself up. I held my breath, even though it would be weird if he saw me looking since the room was pitch dark. My eyes had adjusted in the time I had watched him since I hadn’t closed my eyes for even a second. Baekhyun looked around, shivered once and then picked up his blankets to cover himself. I could still hear his breathing sounding differently from usual, the kind of deep breaths he always took when he was cold. The moment my heart suffered something even closer to a heart-attack, was when he started speaking softly to himself – or rather, me.

“Oh Yeol… How I wish I could just… Ugh… I can’t.” his words came out so softly when he looked in my direction. I was still seated and at that moment, I wished I had been asleep. I wished I never heard what he said because all I could do now, was assume things, think of what he might have meant, because I could never be sure. He wasn’t going to tell my sleeping body the rest of the story, even if he was already willing to talk to him more than he did to the awake me. “Yeol I’m cold but you… I’m scared…” Scared? Not of me, right? What did I do? Thoughts were running wildly through my mind when his shivering never stopped. “I wish I could explain…” Then please, please explain it to me, I’m listening, Baekhyun-ah, tell me what is bothering you… “I want to know but… I can’t just ask and what if… Oh Yeol, why did you have to do that…”

 

I couldn’t sleep that night, I tried over and over again, but nothing worked. His words kept playing in my mind so I tried to find the answer, but there was nothing. I couldn’t think of anything that I might have done to upset him, to scare him… It was the reason why he was avoiding me at all costs and probably why he was being weird around the others as well, this had been my fault and I wanted to know what was wrong.

“Chanyeol-ah… did you not sleep well?” Joonmyunnie-hyung asked me the minute I came into the kitchen the next morning. I tried blinking the sleep out of my eyes, but since it failed, I nodded slowly. He looked around for a second, checking to see if we were alone, before fixing his attention back to me. “It’s Baekhyunnie, right?” I smiled wryly, hyung always saw through us. “Do you have any idea what’s wrong with him? He won’t tell me, however much I push him…” Okay, maybe he didn’t see through us always.

“Ah… Well last night, I wasn’t asleep yet when he talked to me… He thought I didn’t hear him, but he told me I did something that scared him and I don’t know what it is…” I looked down in defeat, not willing to admit that I wanted to know everything about Baekhyun, even if it was just to settle this.

“Then why don’t you talk to him, if it’s you who caused–”

“Hyung! It’s not like I was aware of what I did! It’s not like I wanted it!”

“Yah, calm down before you wake the others!” I guiltily bit my lip and nodded, he was right. If there was one thing that shouldn’t happen, it was that everybody would know. “Now, go ahead and wait until he wakes up… You just have to ask him, right?”

“As if it’s that easy…” I muttered.

“Why, it’s not?” I desperately tried not to roll my eyes at him, knowing it would be rude if I did.

“Obviously, don’t you think I would have already asked him if I could? Hyung do you have any idea… I don’t know if it will freak you out but… He’s the only one I can think about, I don’t want to hurt him but I have obviously already done that.” Joonmyun-hyung stayed silent for a minute until he shook his head.

“Alright. So you like him… And now you did something that hurt him… All the more reason to go there and ask what it was, okay? Just go, before it’s too late.”

 

That was how I ended up in my bed again. I covered myself with my blankets and seeing it was about time Baekhyun would wake up, I was nervous. I tried to breathe in deeply, wash the stress away, but it didn’t happen. I gripped the blankets hard when I heard him shift, but I couldn’t avert my gaze even when he opened his eyes sleepily. The gentle morning light didn’t disturb him much, in contrast to my face when he locked eyes with me. Immediately, he pressed his eyes shut again and turned away from me, hiding himself. It stung so badly…

“Baekhyun-ah… Please tell me what is wrong with you these days…”

“What’s wrong with me?!” he said angrily and the tone sent shivers down my spine. He was not happy. “Shouldn’t you be asking yourself that?!” The contrast to last night, when he was speaking so softly was making this all even more confusing. Maybe he was trying to prevent himself from getting hurt even more and this was his way of building walls.

“I… I heard you yesterday night. You told me that I did something, but I don’t know what you were talking about, I don’t understand… I want to know what I did, please tell me.” I tried staying calm, but the tears in my eyes were burning and I knew my voice must have sounded strained. He turned in shock, finally meeting my eyes without looking away. Though, I couldn’t bring myself to like the moment, he looked horrified.

“Y-you heard me?” I nodded slowly. “Oh…”

“Then please tell me.” I noticed how my voice was starting to sound desperate as the tears shone in my eyes but didn’t fall.

“It’s not that easy! I can never say what you have done because… because I…”

“I’m sorry Baekhyun… I don’t know what it was that I did, but I’m sorry, I never wanted to upset you like this and I want to make it right.”

“Then tell me why! You can make it right if you tell me why…” He looked like such a mess that I could hardly stop myself from leaving my own bed for his.

“Then what did I do…” I asked, one last time. He straightened out his face, which surprised me, he really looked emotionless for a few seconds.

“Please don’t judge me, it was what you did.” He stood up, shivering from the cold that hit his mostly body. “Lie down on your back.” He looked away, a blush staining his cheeks now. I did what he asked from me. “I… am sorry.” My heart started beating somewhere in my throat, staining my face and ears in the same color as Baekhyun when he came closer to me and pulled my blankets away from my body. Because I was wearing comfortable clothes, I didn’t feel the slightest bit of the cold Baekhyun felt, but that could well have been because I was anticipating what the hell he was going to do. This whole scene looked an awful lot like one of those dreams I had about him, in which I kissed him. Sitting down on my thighs, he locked his knees on each side of my hips and the heat spread through my body like wildfire. His hands slid their way up my sides, took both my hands in his cold, slender fingers and held them next to my head while hovering over me. I didn’t even dare to breathe any longer; had I done all that to him? Had I not been dreaming that one time? “Sorry.” he whispered once again before giving me a soft kiss. My widened eyes had closed without me knowing, but I didn’t kiss him back. I didn’t dare to upset him more, even though it felt as though there was love in his kiss. It didn’t take long before he pulled away, but I wouldn’t let him leave me, so I held him by the hands even if he tried to stand up. He frowned while blushing, still struggling.

“I kissed you?” I asked, slightly out of breath because I had never expected him to do that. Noticing that I wasn’t going to let him go, he stopped struggling and nodded silently. “I’m sorry… All this time I thought that it was just another dream, but apparently it wasn’t. I never meant to upset you like that.” He looked at me rather surprised and the words didn’t want to stay sealed any longer. “Baekhyun… I really like you.”

“You do?” I smiled and looked away, I felt guilty. Though that didn’t seem to be necessary as he pulled me into one of the most tender hugs I had ever received. “I thought… I thought you were just… I don’t know. God I’m so relieved… I like you too, Chanyeol, I really do.” My cheeks heated up again, but now a satisfied smile spread across my lips. Trying to gain access to the covers, I had to push Baekhyun off me, but I kept my leg locked around his and my arm was still around him when I pulled us both under the warmth that I really didn’t need. We engaged ourselves in another kiss, though this one was longer and I actually kissed him back when suddenly the door opened roughly.

“Hyungs! There’s food!” Sehun came bursting in, but stopped dead in his tracks when he locked eyes with me. “Eh… Well Kyungsoo-hyungie said I could get you but Joonmyunnie-hyung said I’d better not but I thought… and then I ran and then… I’ll leave you to it.” 

 

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