Chapter 38

Jonghyun was concerned.  They all were, but he had seen the pain and fear on Taemin’s face when he had first entered the bathroom.  He didn’t know what the trigger for this breakdown was, but he thought that it was surprising that Taemin had lasted this long without really trying to confront anything and he wanted to help, they all did.

“Taemin?  Key?” he asked as both Taemin and Key both entered their practice room, “What just happened?”

Taemin clutched his hands into the fabric of Key’s shirt, having long since ruined the expensive cloth, and shook his head. 

In the corner of the room there were several beanbag chairs.  Key led Taemin over there and sat down, somehow not letting go of his charge, and the other members followed, moving the bags around so that they could all see each other.

Taemin took shuddering breaths, afraid of facing everything, of insinuating in any way that these people in front of him who were working so hard to help him were doing anything less than everything that they could do to help him. 

“Taemin, what happened to cause you to cry like that?”  Minho asked, concerned for his dongsaeng and what had set him off.  He might not have actually seen the tears falling, but he could see the red-rimmed eyes and the flushed cheeks and bright red lips that the dancer had bitten to try and stifle the noise.    

“Was it too soon…?”  Onew asked, showing the same concern on his kind face. 

Taemin shook his head, “No, it wasn’t the party…well not really...”

Jonghyun bit his lip as he saw Taemin fidget and Key trying to comfort him.  “Taemin, I know this is going to get me yelled at but, you’ve been bottling everything up since the attack.”  Taemin had tensed as the singer brought up the topic, “Maybe…maybe you should talk to someone about it, it could be us, or your family, or whoever, but if you don’t work it out it’ll all come out like now when you’re not ready for it.”

Key had started glaring at him halfway through his statement and Minho and Onew weren’t exactly giving him encouraging looks either, but Jonghyun had paid attention to the nurses and professionals when they talked about the maknae’s recovery.  It wasn’t just the physical things that he would have to overcome, but the emotional trauma that he, and really all of them to a lesser extent, had endured due to their former manager’s meddling. 

“Taemin…you don’t have to say anything…” Onew began.

“I know hyung.” Taemin said quietly, not looking at any of them but leaning heavily on Key.  “I know that I don’t have to say anything…but Jonghyun-hyung is right too…I should talk about it, but I don’t want to burden anyone.”

“You’re not a burden Taemin,” said Minho as Key gave Taemin a squeeze with his arm, “you’re our maknae and our brother, we want to help you.  This was a horrible thing that should never have happened to you, or to anyone.  If talking about it helps you feel better then we’re here for you.”  

“Thank you hyung and I know that you might really feel that way, but I can’t help but feel like I’m holding you all back.  SHINee hasn’t done anything since I…since I was hurt, and we’ve had injuries before, we found ways to work with them, but because of me no one is doing anything.”

Taemin sighed harshly and leaned forward, curling in on himself – protecting himself, pulling slightly out of Key’s embrace, though he did not move away from the rapper.  He didn’t want to say this; he never wanted to say anything that he knew people were going to disagree with.  He just wasn’t the type to want to cause discord amongst others, but Jonghyun was also right, that this should be known. 

“I think you guys should promote without me, write music without me, choreograph without me, and SHINee can just be you four for a while.”

The others tried to raise a fuss and shoot down the idea, but Taemin held up his hand, “Please, you have to let me do this now or I don’t think that I will ever say it…”

Key was rubbing gentle circles on the small of Taemin’s back, “Okay Tae, say whatever you want.”

Taemin smiled at Key, showing his thanks for the man’s support.  “It’s not permanent, but it could be months before I’ll have enough breath in me to make it through singing an entire song straight through.  And dancing could be a year…”  Taemin swallowed hard against the lump forming in his throat at admitting out loud for the first time to his hyungs that he couldn’t just get up and dance the day away like he used to.  “I don’t want to be responsible for holding you all back.  And even if you say I’m not, I will know that I am.  You guys can do this without me and I can focus on getting stronger and recovering from…this.”  He said, gesturing broadly to include his whole body.

“With you guys not doing anything, it makes it seem like you’re waiting for me to get better, and that isn’t going to happen for a while yet, it’s just not.  You shouldn’t be held back, and I don’t want to be the reason that you guys are not doing what you all have worked so hard for.”

They all knew that what Taemin said was true on some level.  It would be a long time before he was ready to perform with them again, and SHINee had halted all appearances while he recovered and they were starting to miss it all.  But they really didn’t want to leave their maknae behind.  SHINee was the five of them, it would feel wrong to proceed without Taemin there to share everything with. 

Someone sighed loudly.  It didn’t matter who had done it, it just explained so perfectly what they were all feeling right now.  It was a tough situation without anything resembling an easy fix, no matter how much they wished that there was. 

“There is probably something else we should discuss then.”  Onew said sadly, scratching his neck and staring at the floor.  “Lee Sooman keeps calling me asking how we want to handle the fan videos and everything.”  He looked at Key and Taemin, “Whether or not we want to dump everything on our manager going insane and you guys keep your relationship hidden, or whether we want to, or rather whether you guys want to, come out to the public as a couple.”

Key took a deep breath and exhaled forcefully, causing his lips to buzz slightly in the process.  “I’m honestly rather surprised that he’s let us go on this long without an answer…”

“From the rest of us, it’s up to you guys.  We are with you either way.  SHINee is a family and you stand up for your family.”  Jonghyun voiced and grinned when he saw a corner of Taemin’s mouth quirk up in an almost-smirk. 

Key leaned forward and pulled Taemin back against him once more.  “What do you think love?”

Taemin leaned into Key and managed to tuck his head in under Key’s chin.  “Dropping everything on our manager is the easy way out, there are the least complications.  We don’t have to worry about hate mail or loosing fans or sponsorships or anything.  We could just go on business as usual from there…”

Key ignored the spasm in his heart, it seemed like Taemin wanted to keep everything a secret.  He pressed his lips together and stifled the sound trying to force it’s way out.  If that was what Taemin wanted then he would go along with it.  He didn’t want to do anything to make Taemin’s recovery any harder than it already was.  Taemin was stressed enough as it was, Key could understand why he wouldn’t want to add anything else to his plate right now.

“…but I don’t want to have to hide anymore.”

There was silence. 

“You want to tell babe?  You want everyone to know?”  Key asked for clarification.

“This happened to me because some decided that me being who I am was something dirty that should be hidden away or gotten rid of.”  The swearing surprised the rest of the group, most of whom had never heard the maknae come close to crass language before.  “I’m not the only person that this happens to, and it shouldn’t happen to anyone.  It’s just stupid!  Why should we have to hide?  There is nothing wrong or dirty or disgusting about me loving Kibum!”  Taemin was panting hard, he was getting light headed and he could feel the aching begin again in his ribs as he stressed them beyond what they were ready for right now.

“Calm down kiddo, we don’t need to getting yourself all worked up and tired out.” Jonghyun said, reaching out and rubbing Taemin’s shoulder gently and Key massaged the dancer’s chest trying to ease his breathing.    

Key quietly said, “I think Taemin’s right.  Us thinking that this was something that we should be quiet about is what allowed all of this to happen in the first place.  Our manager was given power because all of us thought that was something that we should hide from the public so we couldn’t do anything about it or say anything.  We didn’t want to call attention to our situation because we didn’t want people asking questions about how our manager came to feel such anger towards us.  We couldn’t even tell people why we fired him in the first place; instead we made up some lies about him ‘taking a break’ and how Onew was just filling in for the time being.  How many more people out there are in positions like this, or worse, because they buy into the belief that this is something inherently wrong or something to be hidden from others?  I agree with Taemin, we shouldn’t have to hide, we’re doing nothing wrong.”

Taemin grabbed the hand that was rubbing his chest and held it tight within his own, shifting to look up into Key’s eyes.  The two seemed having a conversation through their eyes alone. 

“It’ll be hard.”  Onew said softly.

“It’ll be worth it.”  Minho added, just as quietly. 

“Just one thing…” Key said, looking at Taemin, “I need to tell my family first.”  He blushed a little at sharing the fact that he hadn’t told his own family yet.  “We’ve been a little bit busy and I honestly haven’t talked to them hardly at all…if my grandmother finds out from TV she will kill me, and then my mother will dig me up and kill me again…”

A round of laughs went around.  SHINee found themselves with a plan and a direction in which to head in the future.  And even though they knew that it was a difficult path ahead, they felt prepared within their group to go through with it.