Jaejoong sat relaxed near the back of the bar with a bucket of beer on his table. He watched the band perform from where he sat, easily disregarding the not too discreet glances from the other customers. He was beginning to like the place, despite the attention he gets. It was serene and people were pretty civilized as to not disturb him. It was a getaway from the busy life he had been living for over half a decade.


It was another short day for him, which meant a longer night at the bistro. They featured a tribute to Rolling Stones that night. As expected, the bar was full with hippies and stoners alike. It felt refreshing to him, the whiff of unfamiliar people enjoying each other’s company to a music that changed the face of rock’n’roll. More so, the feeling of being one with the crowd. In the back of his head, he had wished that he’d experience this kind of thing and now he knows he’d never felt more alive, like the way he feels when he’s on stage.


He had phoned the other four about that secret hideaway he’d been enjoying for the past month but Yoochun had been the only one to drink with him tonight. Yunho and Changmin were busy and Junsu wasn’t one for drinking. They got to talking about everything that’s happened to them over the year and how they’ve changed but there was never any regret in their tones. All they know is that in due time, they’ll be back on track. Going the way they planned and want to continue.


The following week was a pleasant surprise. Changmin went to see him and didn’t drink alone for once. They talked about come backs and how else they’d see each other aside from this place. The taller male kept his snarkiness to himself that night and asked a lot about the three’s activities. They left at dawn, ensuring him that Yunho was just busy with being Oh Yunjae at the moment and that he’ll find time to spend with them soon.


Soon was indeed soon. His phone rang in his pocket as he walked out of Incheon Airport on his way back to his humble home just four days after he met up with Changmin. The text said, ‘Hey, I know you just got back but I’m only free today. Let’s go to the bistro?’ He knows Yunho knew he can’t say ‘no’ to him so he replied shortly, ‘You selfish basterd. Be there at 10!’ It was only four in the afternoon.

He slept in before freshening up and going out. His heart pounding in his chest out of different emotions stirring up. He drove safely while thinking, When was the last time we saw each other?

The place was moderately packed because of The Velvet Underground Night. He forgot about that but he didn’t really mind. Yunho was sitting quietly in his own world at the back of the bar’s dinning area, staring at his glass of what-looks-like-water-but-might-be-vodka. He approached him with a smile on his face, “Hey,” he managed to get past his throat, “You’re already drinking, what’s up?”

“Isn’t it a little bit mocking? They decided to name my character Oh Yunjae.” Yunho smirked, he was trying to sound pissed off but he wasn’t exactly successful.

“You called me to rant about that?”

“No, of course not.” Yunho stared at him, “We’re rehearsing our come back. It just feels awkwardly different knowing you will not be with us on stage.”

“I know how it feels. Don’t make it sound like you’re the only one who knows.”

“When are we coming back? Are we even getting back-” Yunho cut his sentence short and pulled his eyes away from Jaejoong’s beautiful face, taking another shot of his mixed drink.

“Soon, okay? Just, you know its not that easy.”

“It doesn’t have to be so hard either.” Slurry as it was said, it didn’t hurt any less.

Just hold on a little longer. I love you. He thought to himself as he stared at the man, slowly wasting himself that night.

They kept quiet. Jaejoong wanted to apologize. It was hard enough to meet up after half a year of letting each other go when you know you’re still madly in love. His drunken rants just adds up to the guilt. But what was he to do? There barely was time for them to drag each other out for dates. There barely was time for them to do what they used to do when they lived under one roof. It had sunk in that things weren’t as simple as they had thought they’d be.

“Aren’t you gonna drink?” Yunho broke the silence between them.

“I’m still jetlagged, besides I’m gonna be bringing you home at this rate.”

“We never go out, the five of us, anymore. Why can’t I bring us together.” Frustration was clear in his tone and Jaejoong didn’t dare answer.


The next few weeks were lonely. Jaejoong wasn’t regularly going anymore because his schedule wouldn’t permit. But the last conversation they had was still replaying in his head every time he’d space out.

Wondering how it would have been if they didn’t make that move, he’d shake his head and brush off the what if’s because there wasn’t supposed to be any regrets. He’d remind himself that this is for their own good. One day they’ll look back at this and laugh it off like the other issues they used to ponder on.

He’d gone off with Yoochun and Junsu to the States for their showcase but no matter how far he’d travel there were wishes in the back of his head that yearned for the other two members. His passion for music seemed to be hurting two more important people in his life. He’d keep repeating it to himself like a mantra that they’d understand.


Gong back to Korea was one thing he looked forward to most. Yunho and Changmin’s come back was just around the corner and he didn’t want to miss it, he told himself it’s a must that he’d support them because he really wanted to. He knew they weren’t the only ones who misses being on stage.


He called Yunho as soon as he got back though he didn’t know what he wanted to say. It was a habit he couldn’t rid from his system because doing so felt like forgetting and never coming back. Both of them didn’t want to forget. “Hey.” His voice almost inaudible but on the other end of the line was another yearning man who only responded with a hum. “We just got back. How’re you?” Yunho was sleepy but he didn’t want to sound like it, “I’m sorry for calling this late, its- It’s automatic. Go back to sleep, Yun. Goodnight.” I love you. He wanted to add, but he wasn’t quite sure if it was right for him to say it.

He threw his phone on the bed before lying on his back as he deeply breathed and closed his eyes. I hope they’re eating alright. I hope he’s taking care of himself. He drifted off to sleep as involuntary tears discreetly fell from his eyes, his breath hitching as he tried to stifle his sobs. I want everything to be back like the way we were before. He wished he was strong enough too because he didn’t want to be unfair with Yunho being the only source of strength for their relationship.

He knew, either way, they’d be hurting. But he wasn’t ready just yet. He believed time will make him stronger, and when that happens, they’ll be indestructible. That and distance wouldn’t be any issue anymore.


He sat back on his couch while waiting for HoMin’s comeback stage performance. A bowl of cereal in his hand and a candy bar