☂

 

Chanyeol was playing with your fingers under the table, listening to Kyungsoo’s conversation with Chen. They were bickering about some soccer play. Kyungsoo cheered for the first team, and Chen – for the other one. You were laughing at them from time to time, but mostly focused on talking with Amber.

Chanyeol was listening carefully to everybody’s voices. He could hear and recognize who it belonged to; he could focus on each one of his friends.

But still, he decided to focus on you the most.

He suddenly felt your hair on his neck and heard you laughing. You leaned back at him, giggling at Kai’s joke, and his heart fluttered. You squeezed his hand and turned your head at him, to see if he’s all right. Chanyeol could sense this movement somehow. By hearing the quiet sounds and the air around him, he could sense that someone moved or turned at him. He looked down at you.

He really wanted to see you at this second.

But, of course, he couldn’t.

Thinking about future was painful. So painful that every time he did so, his heart slowly cracked in half. He was enjoying his time in high school, but he knew that it’s going to end soon; he couldn’t go to a normal college with normal people and his friends.

He also enjoyed time spend with you. But he knew, deep, deep inside, this one thing that didn’t let him sleep at night.

He knew that if he stays with you, he will be a burden, a trouble. That he won’t help in any way, doesn’t matter how much he wanted to; he knew that in the end, you will have to part.

Lately he has been thinking about this more and more. More time spend with you meant more time spend of thinking about the future and more pain and panic flowing into his mind. 

You giggled once again. This sound made his heart jump and he smiled for a short second.

“I have to go to the bathroom,” he said and heard your quiet hum coming from you. He excused himself and went to the bathroom. He already knew where exactly it is; he has been in your house plenty of time to memorize the touch of the walls and the set of the furniture. After washing his hands, he leaned on the sink and looked up front. He often wondered if he has changed from the time he got blind and how does he look. Everybody were always saying that he’s a giant and that everything in him is so big. His nose, his ears, his smile. But was that really a compliment? He touched his cheek and nose, making a face, imagining that he can see himself in the mirror when he looks up; older Chanyeol had the same wild, copper hair and wide eyes, but his face was matured. Still, imagining himself as someone older was like staring into the water and only seeing the surface, no matter how hard you try to see the bottom.

 He really wondered if he’s handsome or not. He wondered if copper hair looks like red hair or more like brown hair.

He got out of the bathroom, passed the living room and entered the kitchen. He wanted to get something to drink, but he heard some soft sounds of glasses and plates being put on the counter and he looked questioningly into the air.

 

“It’s me, Chanyeol-ah,” he heard your mom’s voice and smiled immediately. “I’m preparing more food for you. Are you looking for something to drink?”

“Yes,” he answered simply. He still felt a bit embarrassed when he was alone with your mom. He had no idea what does she really think about him, even though you were assuring him that she adores you.

“I will get you a coke then,” your mom said. He heard her pulling out the glass and pouring him the soda. She put it on the counter beside him.

“On the left,” she said. She knew that he didn’t like it when people were touching him and leading his hands everywhere. He wanted to fell at least half-independent.

“Thank you,” he said and slowly put his hand on the counter. He slid it to the left until he felt the coldness of the glass and grabbed it. He took a sip.

“Something is troubling you, isn’t it?” your mom asked him. He ‘looked’ at her and leaned on the counter. “It’s rare to see you this peaceful,” she laughed and Chanyeol smiled, embarrassed. Yep, he was one energetic kid. He was only peaceful when painting or cuddling with you.

“Is it what everybody thinks about me?” He asked with a chuckle. Your mom giggled.

“It’s not a bad thing though,” she answered. Then her voice went quiet and serious. “Does it have to do something with Raejin?” She asked.

“It’s nothing really,” Chanyeol scratched the back of his neck, feeling a bit insecure. He hummed. “Well, I…” He sighed. He really couldn’t get his words out straight. What was he supposed to say? That he can’t be with Raejin forever? That he thinks that they should end it sooner, before it gets harder to even think about being apart? That he will have to break up with her? Break her heart?

The thought hits him like a wall of bricks.

It has been four months since you’ve meet and two month since he confessed and you started to… well, go out. Because now you were officially a couple. So many things have changed during this time.

And right now he couldn’t even think about being apart from you. Being away from you for a day without any information from you, or just a simple call, was enough to make him miss you, want to hear your voice. He wouldn’t be able to keep going without you being there, he knew about it.

He just got so attached to you. Like a weed, he attached himself to you and only with you he could live. You were like air and water for him.

His feelings were so deep and so unbelievably strong that he wondered if it’s normal to feel this way, to think this way. Because what if you didn’t love him anymore? What would he do then? How would his life go on? He wouldn’t be able to come back to painting in silence and alone. He wouldn’t be able to go back to spending his evenings without you and eating lunches only with Kyungsoo. It would feel lonely and incomplete.

He wondered if he’s the only person as attached and addicted to the other, in this situation – you. He didn’t know what to do anymore. He wanted to be with him, but he didn’t want to take you down with him. And he knew well how tiring it may be for a normal person to take care of a blind person. He knew because his parents were always there. He was quite independent, yes, but only when he was in the place he knew well and knew how to move around it. He was completely lost in the cities. He couldn’t have a normal job because where could a blind person work? There was so many problems that he couldn’t solve.

“It’s nothing,” he finally said, his voice – being a big surprise even for him – very convinced and happy. When did he learn to lie so easily? “Can I help you with the food?”

 

He heard silence.

“Um… Oh, no, I will call you when it’s ready,” the woman answered, stuttering a bit. Chanyeol smiled again, bowed lightly and went to the living room with his coke. He heard all of his friends watching TV and he went towards the sofa. He accidentally kicked Kyungsoo and he growled, hitting Chanyeol’s leg and laughing.

It has always been like that. Chanyeol would accidentally do something like this, or bum into one of his friends, but they treated it like a game or something funny. Like he did that on purpose just to tease them, to have some fun, and they would immediately back.

They would always leave an empty spot for him. Everywhere they went. He touched the table in front of the sofa with his fingers and placed his coke there, and then he touched the sofa and suddenly felt your hand on his own. You pulled him down delicately and he sat beside you, feeling your arms tangling around his own. And he smiled, forgetting about his previous worries. Because one of your touches was enough to make him think only about you.

 

~*~

 

Three months of your relationship passed in a blink of an eye.

Everybody knew that you two are going out. Rumors got quiet and everybody got used to seeing you leading him through the corridors. His chemistry teacher even congratulated him and said that you’re a charming girl.

That’s when Chanyeol started to feel anxious and guilty.

He knew that you’re charming. You were kind, charming, lovely, smart, and beautiful – he knew because everybody kept on repeating him how beautiful you were. He was a weight that stopped you from moving forward. He was also a person who everybody pitied, and usually when they heard that he started to go out with you, they said something that he got really lucky. And then, he would hear their whispers about you pitying him and your pity being the reason of why you would go out with him in the first place.

But Chanyeol knew that you didn’t even know that he’s blind the first time you saw him, and he also knew that you were honest and it took longer for you to open up for people.

Also, all his worries disappeared once you’d visit him.

 

 

~*~
 

 

There are only four months left until graduation and everyone quickly get drawn into a whirl of preparations and studying. You get nervous about choosing your career path and you share your conflicts with him, but there isn't much he can do about them aside from reassuring you that you have time to decide.

He doesn't really know what to do with his life either.

 

 

~*~

 

"You could work in a call center," Kyungsoo supplies, handing him a can of Sprite. Chanyeol grunts in silent 'thanks' and Kyungsoo sits beside him, turns on the TV. "There's plenty of jobs that don't require you to see fully. And you're actually having an advantage here, dude - you'll earn more, you'll get money from the government-"

"I don't want any money from the government," Chanyeol spats, a tiny bit too rude. Kyungsoo falls silent beside him, his eyes wide in shock as he stares at his best friend. Chanyeol feels a pang of guilt when he feels Kyungsoo shift uncomfortably on his seat and he growls, rubs his hand through his face and takes a deep breath.

"Sorry," he says. "I'm so nervous, Kyungsoo, you don't even know. I'm so freaking scared I can't- thing straight sometimes," he mumbles. "I feel as if something is literally hovering above me, waiting for the right time to fall onto my head and crush me."

"That's a very graphic description of anxiety," Kyungsoo says with something similar to respect in his voice. Chanyeol would roll his eyes at him if he could. He almost laughs at the dry joke he just made in his head. He's not sure if it means that he's comfortable with his own disadvantage or just crazy. But then Kyungsoo pats him on the shoulder with a loud sigh. He seems to wonder about something for a few minutes.

"I understand that you're worried, but we'll figure it out. We've got time, we've got options, we'll figure it out together. Right now you just need to focus on the finals. And on Raejin. Although I already told her the same thing I just told you."

Chanyeol frowns at him.

"You talked to her about it?"

"Duh," Kyungsoo snorts. "We're friends. You can't stop me from talking to her."

"That's not it, it's just- she normally never shares her problems with anyone besides me and Ji Eun."

Kyungsoo hums at it.

"Well, looks like she trusts me," he says. "Is it okay with you?"

Chanyeol wonders about it and finds himself smiling widely. Soon, his smile dissolves into a chuckle and then into a laugh. Kyungsoo frowns at him with a soft, confused smile, "What?"

"It's awesome, actually," Chanyeol admits. "I'm glad you two get along," he adds.

Kyungsoo snorts fondly at him, takes a sip of his Sprite and goes to pull the pizza out of the oven.

 

~*~

 

He spends every day with you. You take him to his classes with Kyungsoo, eat lunches with him and the rest. After school you meet at the art classroom so he can paint and you can nag about the teachers or the weather or your grades. Sometimes you just sit in silence and he can fell your eyes on him and his paintings. Sometimes you sit beside him on a chair, lean your head on his shoulder and watch him paint; sometimes you fall asleep doing it, and you wake up to the sounds of rain hitting the windows, dark clouds casting shadows on the whole room.

Sometimes Chanyeol stops painting to turn towards you, and as on cue, you either run your hand through his hair and lean into a hug and kiss him.

The kisses get more confident with time. At first there’re simple pecks, brushes of lips on his cheek or forehead. At some point they get longer, then deeper, and before you two can realize, you crave each other’s touch and taste like a desert craves water.

Soft kisses transform into long make-out sessions in no time and Chanyeol enjoys them. Sometimes, when you’ve missed each other more than usually, you sit on his lap in the classroom and just lean towards him, and you kiss lazily for minutes or an hour, even; your lips get red, swollen and hypersensitive, to the point you have to stop because it stings so much, but none of you really wants to stop, so you just kiss more. 

Chanyeol learns the touch of your skin under his fingertips and the shape of your face, shoulders, stomach, hips; one evening, when you’re lying on the bed with him, he gets this irresistible need of learning the pattern of your whole body, remembering every mole with his touch, knowing every inch of your skin-

He rolls you onto your back and you yelp playfully and chuckle at him; the bed around him shakes. He’s tall and broad enough to cover you whole and it makes you feel safe, warm and good.

“What?” You ask, surprised. Chanyeol hovers at you, his eyes half-lidded; he looks as if he can see you and it never stops to amaze you.

“Can I touch you?” He asks, his voice balancing between the line of soft and incredibly deep; it comes out raspy and you feel your stomach tangle. You swallow hard and he probably hears it, because his cheeks get red and he swallows as well.

“Okay,” you whisper, running your hand up his torso and squeezing his shoulder reassuringly.

So he does.

He traces every inch of your skin delicately, discovers every detail of your body with his fingers, then with his tongue, and by the time he’s finally satisfied you’re under him.

“Stop ,” he says with a laugh, embracing you and snuggling into your neck; you can feel hickeys forming on it.

“That’s easy to say,” you gasp out as he squeezes your tight.

“If you won’t stop, I’m not going to stop either,” he counters and you freeze, your heart going completely crazy.

“What if I don’t want you to stop?”

Chanyeol is silent, but he doesn’t let go of you. Finally, you can feel his lips move – they touch your neck for a second, electricity runs down your spine – and he tips his head a little higher so he can reach your ear and blow at it.

You laugh at the ticklish sensation and he laughs as well hearing it; your laugh makes him happier than anything.

“Not today,” he mumbles, deciding to put his whole body weight on you like a tired cat. You grunt when he does that and can’t decide if you should push him off, kick him or just laugh at his behavior. “But soon.”

He seals the promise with a kiss on your lips. He pulls away, but you pull him back, gently cupping his face; you open your mouth for him and he slides in gratefully, making a soft hum.

“Definitely soon,” you tell him, nodding, and he chuckles.

 

~*~

 

He feels your hand squeezing harder around his and frowns, because the squeeze is twitchy and weird.

“What?” He asks. He doesn’t hear your answer, and without your voice and without seeing you it’s as if he’s completely lost you. He squeezes you back quickly, shaking your hand a little, and you make a quiet sound in the back of your throat that he cannot decipher. “What is it, Raejin?”

You suddenly stop in your tracks, yanking him back accidentally, and he grunts.

“What is it?” He hisses, nervous and disoriented.

“You’re pretty,” says a voice in front of him. Chanyeol’s heart rate picks up and he frowns, trying to glare at whoever is standing there. He hears a snort. “And he’s blind.”

“Can you let us pass?” You ask, your voice stern and serious, but Chanyeol can hear that little tremor by the end of the sentence and his fingers twitch.

“We wanted to ask you if you want to have some fun with us,” said another, a bit deeper voice that certainly belonged to an adult man.

“ off,” Chanyeol spat suddenly, anger boiling at the pit of his stomach. The men both made impressed hoots and one of them pushed at his shoulder violently; Chanyeol felt himself staggering back, but he wasn’t weak or disabled, so it didn’t even took him a second to push the guy back with equal force.

“Hey!” The first man shouted when Chanyeol pushed his friend; he grabbed him by the collar and you threw yourself at him.

“Get off him!” You hissed; Chanyeol heard a slap and he froze completely, but then there was a blow at his cheek and he fell onto the ground, feeling a bruise form on his skin.

“The is your problem?!” He shouted, standing up immediately, only to be met with another hit straight to the stomach. He choked, bending down, and fell onto his knees.

“Damn cripple,” one of the men spat. “You think if you’re blind you can attack people? Huh?”

“You think if you’re a douchebag you can toy with women?” Chanyeol shot back.

“Oh, we’ve got a hero here!”

He felt a kick to his stomach and heard your loud yelp.

“Don’t touch him,” you growled beside him and he heard your quick footsteps. There were another two slaps, but no scream; his brain and heart was going crazy. He didn’t know what’s happening, if you’re safe, who exactly attacked you, what-

“Leave them alone!” Someone shouted, passed him with a whoosh and there were silent hisses and threats exchanged between two men and the one who told them to leave you alone; there were also sounds of scuffle, but as soon as he felt your hands on his back, he calmed down a bit.

“Go to hell you piece of !” One of the men finally shouted, but they both ran away as quickly as they could.

“What the just happened?” Chanyeol asked; you patted his shoulder and tipped his chin to see the damage, but before you could, he had you in an embrace. It wasn’t comfortable since he was on his knees and the angle was weird, but it was still comforting and warm and you planted a quick kiss on his forehead before standing up.

“Are you okay?” Asked the same voice that defended you.

“Raejin?” Chanyeol asked.

“I’m good. Your lips are bleeding,” she answered quietly. Her voice broke and Chanyeol wanted to comfort her somehow, make her feel secure again, only he couldn’t.

Just like he couldn’t protect her.

 

~*~

 

He was replaying the whole situation in his head over and over again. Even though you reassured him that it wasn’t the first time someone tried to flirt with you in such way and that you weren’t even hurt, they just slapped you once, he still couldn’t get over it.

He spend the next day home, not answering his phone and asking his parents to say that he’s not home if someone visits him. Kyungsoo and Jongin did, and then, in the evening, you did too; but your mom kept her promise and didn’t let them in.

You send him a quick text, I’m fine, stop worrying and talk to me, but he didn’t reply for it.

On the next day you barged into his room and hit him a few times on his back; he took it as a punishment, and it felt like it was; only it didn’t hurt at all. Your arms quickly got weak and you stopped hitting him after a few seconds, letting out a quiet sob instead.

“You’re so stupid you don’t even know,” you said. You cupped his head and forced him to turn towards you. Then, slowly, you said, “Park Chanyeol. Don’t you ever think that I feel unsafe when I’m with you. Don’t you ever try to cut me off. Don’t you ever think low of yourself because you couldn’t stop some jerks from being jerks. Don’t you ever think that you’re a burden to me.”

Chanyeol’s heart swelled.

 

~*~

 

Chanyeol realized that you quickly learned about the things he liked, things he did, how he acted in certain situations, how to help him to do something without making him feel useless, and what kind of methods he had for doing daily activities.

You learned how to lead him so he feels sure that he doesn’t bump into anyone of anything or trip over nothing; you knew not to replace things on the shelves in his or your room, especially if it’s stuff he uses every day. You learned that he always counts his steps and you counted with him, and sometimes, when you reached a destination, you would say him the exact number with pride and chuckle in your voice and it feels incredible every time you do that.

During the next month you learn how to trust each other. How to appreciate each other’s presence. How to make each other feel needed and precious. How to talk about your troubles and problems.

You study when he paints; he studies, listening to the CDs on his mp3 player, while you read. You spend the weekends lying in bed, on the couch, on the bench outside, on the hammock in Chanyeol’s garden, or the grass in park, talking, finding out new things, figuring out the way you fit together.

You get closer to Kyungsoo and it becomes a tradition for you to spend every Friday night together. After a few times Ji Eun joins you and before you know, there’re lingering glances between these two, and Kyungsoo tells Chanyeol one day that he finds her adorable, that’s all.

Chanyeol bursts out laughing, because he knows exactly when his best friend isn’t telling the whole truth. He shoves at him playfully and Kyungsoo kicks him in the shin, daring him to say anything about it or make a comment about his crush. Chanyeol promises not to, but he does share it with you when you mention them, and you end up squealing on the floor, because Ji Eun likes Kyungsoo too.

“That’s so cliché,” you say, snorting lightly. “My best friend fell in love with your best friend. It’s like in all those teenage romantic books.”

“In a cliché teenage book, one of us would probably stop loving one of you and fall in love with our best friend’s girlfriend,” Chanyeol pointed. You felt silent suddenly and he frowned at nothing. “What? Why did you get so quiet?”

You didn’t say anything, but you shuffled closer to him, your knee touching his thigh.

“But you don’t…?” You mumbled. It took Chanyeol five seconds to figure out what you’re asking and he cackled, after which he cupped your face and planted a kiss on your lips. You melted into his touch and he took advantage of your positions to pin you to the floor.

He kissed the long expanse of your neck and slid his hand under your shirt. You gasped when he touched your skin there and Chanyeol huffed a laugh at how sensitive you are.

“Don’t laugh at me,” you said grudgingly. Chanyeol kissed your nose, started tickling you; you kicked him in the stomach and he growled loudly, rolling onto the side and landing flat on his back.

You giggled happily, patting his stomach a few times.

“See, that’s what you get when you tickle me,” you said.

“Spoilsport,” he muttered at you, at what he earned a smack on the head and a kiss on the cheek.

 

~*~

 

“Play me something,” he said, lightly pecking on the guitar’s strings. You huffed.

“I told you, I’ll play for you on the last day of my music school. It’s a few more months, you can take it.”

“You said you’d sing for me then, no one said anything about playing the guitar,” he answered, pouting. “And I want to hear now.”

“Chanyeol, I’m embarrassed to play in front of my teacher, I won’t play in front of you.”

“And yet, you want to sing on a scene.”

“I’m preparing for it,” you said, snatching the guitar away from him. “I’ve gotten braver since I’ve met you. I’ll be able to sing, and I’ll sing especially for you. You’ll see.”

Chanyeol stretched out his arm, knowing you’ll take his hand. Sure enough, you intertwined your fingers together and sat down onto his lap. Your left hand went to his cheek and he planted his on your waist, bringing you closer, until you were completely flush against each other.

You started kissing lazily. He, as always, slowly discovered your lips and your mouth, and you made him feel like hot chocolate and melt into your touch. You were his cheek while kissing him with your thumb, and he smiled when he realized that you’re doing it. You smiled back, and you had to stop kissing because both of you suddenly had a laughing attack.

But you brought him close again after that and pushed him lightly onto the bed; Chanyeol felt your gaze on him, but he didn’t feel embarrassed. He smiled, knowing that you’re hovering above him, and you let out a pleased huff.

“Your hair look like honey in this light,” you said. “A candle is lit on your left. On the bedside table.”

“That’s the only source of light?”

“There’re another four small candles on the commode in the left corner,” you informed him. “But yeah, that’s all.”

You ran your hand through his hair, his cheek and then his neck. You stopped there, leaned towards him and kissed it before at it lightly.

“Tease,” Chanyeol grumbled, but he was more than pleased.

“I was always so negatively geared to every couple I met that showed so much affection while being in public,” you admitted. “And now my hands can’t seem to get enough of you.”

Chanyeol’s stomach fluttered with fondness, affection and love. He closed his eyes because your words were better than any touch or kiss.

Well, maybe not kiss, kissing was always awesome.

Still, it made him feel warmly exposed. Content and happy.

He sat up, with you still on his lap, to cup your face and brush your hair to the back. Your eyes fluttered at the delicate touch.

“Mm, more,” you asked, squeezing your hands on his thin t-shirt. Chanyeol obeyed and started your hair, barely touching the skin of your head and face. You loved when someone your hair like that.

 “You look like a cat now,” Chanyeol mused, his voice deep; your heart rate sped up.

You opened your eyes to look at him – at his eyes, white in the center but rimmed with black; at his long nose, plump, slightly upturned lips; fluffy  hair that you knew tend to get curly when they’re damp; at his Adam’s apple and his long neck. You took it all in with a pleased smile on your face.

He continued to your hair softly, not caring if his arms get tired; you watched his muscles twitch under his skin and you found yourself swallowing hard at the sight.

After a few minutes he gave up .

“Okay, my arms hurt,” he admitted, throwing them onto the sides and leaning onto his back. You laughed, placed your hands on his stomach and shifted your weight a little; he groaned. “Yah!”

You kissed him on the lips and quickly slid off him.

“I’m just teasing you,” you said. “Hungry?”

 

~*~

 

It took him another month to get used to you bringing him lunch or buying random things for you. He was doing this himself, but he was a boy, it was his duty to buy you things. So when you first told him you bought him an audiobook, he frowned and asked why, and you said that you want him to read it, duh.

Then you bought him a key chain and a pair of earphones when he told you his broke and he doesn’t have cash right now to buy new ones. He didn’t want to make any allusions to you to buy it for him and you still did.

At first he thought that maybe you pitied him after all and he quickly fell into a whirl of depression.

“So she can’t buy you stuff? Come on, Yeol,” Kyungsoo said, and he could almost see his scowl. “Girls like to buy things. You like to give her stuff, she likes to give you stuff too.”

“But isn’t it weird?”

“It’d be weird if she would be a spoil, but Raejin is the type of person that gives and doesn’t expect anything in return. I guess.”

Chanyeol hummed.

“Yeah, but I feel bad if she has something for me and I don’t.”

“You give her stuff all the time. Last week even.”

“I just realized we don’t celebrate anniversaries.”

Kyungsoo felt silent.

“Seriously?” He asked, a bit surprised. “Sonmi broke up with me back in the fifth grade because I forgot it’s been a month since we started going out.”

“Right? Girls should be sensitive about this stuff.”

“Does it bother you?”

Chanyeol sighed.

“No.”

“Then case closed.”

Kyungsoo took a handful of popcorn into his mouth and chewed on it shamelessly loudly, until Chanyeol smacked him on the arm.

“What are you, a rabbit? Stop crunching.”

Kyungsoo leaned towards him to munch right into his ear.

 

~*~

 

Your favourite color is copper. (He laughs when you tell him that.)

Your favourite food is pizza. No doubts about it. Forget about rice – pizza is life, as you said.

You love seals, but hedgehogs are awesome too.

You don’t celebrate Valentine’s day, Women’s day, or name-day; you never did and these dates don’t mean anything to you.

When you’re sad, you crave touch. (He knows that already.)

You listen to Radiohead a few days before the anniversary of your dad’s death and you cry like a kid when that day comes. As if you’ve been keeping all the tears and sadness inside you for a whole year so you can finally free them on the day he died. You don’t cry visiting him on a regular day, but you do cry on his death’s anniversary.The memories are stronger then.

The Great Beauty becomes your new favourite movie.

Your childhood’s cartoon is Sailor Moon.

You were scared of Vampires as a child.

You love to play the guitar.

The last one isn’t exactly new to him, but you saying it out loud and so sincerely as you did that evening is. You were watching TV and you were seemingly focused on the movie when you admitted how much exactly you love it. Then you told him your dad used to play it too.

“I couldn’t stop listening to him play.”

Chanyeol tells you in return that he tried to learn how to play the piano. He was quite good at it until he lost his sight. It was possible to play piano while being blind, it was like learning to type into your laptop’s keyboards with your eyes closed, so he tried after he lost his sight but failed. He tells you that his first major break happened when he sat by the piano and tried to play, but his fingers didn’t listen to him and he couldn’t remember where to press, and he ended up smacking the piano keys with all the anger and frustration he had in himself.

The sound of piano still reminded him of that time.

 

~*~

 

You find out about the circumstances of his sight lost a few days after that. You sit in silence after he tells you how they didn’t have money for the right operation, how they ignored the threat, how Chanyeol kept silent when his vision started to get blurry.

“If I’d tell them sooner and if we’d have money at that time, maybe I wouldn’t be blind now,” he admits. You squeeze his hand and bring it up to your lips. “It’s weird. I haven’t thought about it in a long time.”

“Is there a lot of people like you?” You ask. “Who don’t have money to…?”

“Yeah, sure there is,” Chanyeol nods with a silent sigh. “I’ve met plenty of them.”

You spend the hour in silence, you on his forearm, he on lying, embracing you.

“I wish I could do something for them,” you whisper. You sound sleepy, but serious.

“You can always donate for various charities,” Chanyeol tells you. “But yeah. You need money first.”

“I want to have a good job,” you state. “Something that’ll provide me enough money to live wealthy, but also give me the possibility of helping others.”

Chanyeol smiles, kisses the tip of your head.

“You’ll be good, no matter what you decide to do in the future.”

 

~*~

 

Exams start and everyone is busy and stressed. Chanyeol has to take different kind of tests and everything goes quite smoothly. He passes every subject on an average level. He passes history and social study with 87 and 92 percent grade.

You pass everything without obstacles, too, and most of your grades are above average. Chanyeol can’t be prouder.

Your mom decides that it’s something worth celebrating and she invites the whole family over. They meet Chanyeol; some of them seem troubled by his presence, but most of them are supportive. Your aunt takes you to the side to inform you that you’ve found yourself a very handsome gentleman.

Your uncle tells you to break up with him before he decides to ‘plant roots’ in your life and live off your money.

You almost spill your drink on him. On purpose.

Kyungsoo and Ji Eun start going out and it’s all cute and adorable and they’re both interesting to watch. Kyungsoo is sweet, but can be also pretty stubborn and sarcastic, too; Ji Eun is incredibly stubborn and even though she’s  kind, she always has to have the last word. They fight and bicker and banter, but they always end up laughing at their own lame behavior and apologizing for saying some stupid stuff.

To sum it up: they get along.

Kyungsoo applies to college to study law; he tells that to Chanyeol one day, scared how he’ll react – he will be leaving the city, damnit – but instead of being angry or sad, Chanyeol throws himself at him in a fit of happiness and pride. Kyungsoo cries into his shoulder and Chanyeol laughs at him.

The real obstacle shows up when you decide to apply to college as well.

“It’s okay,” Chanyeol said. “I knew you were going to do that sooner or later.”

“I don’t want to leave you,” you say sincerely.

“We can talk every day. I can visit you. You’ll be coming for breaks and weekends. We can figure it out. There’s Skype, too.”

“It’s not the same and you know it.”

“Raejin-ah,” he says with a sigh, stretching out his hand. You take it and he wraps his arms around you. “We’ve got all the time in the world to be together. I don’t know how about you, but my feelings aren’t changing. And if yours change, I’ll have my heart broken, but it’s your life and-“

You cut him off with a heated kiss.

“My feelings will never change,” you tell him. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

You tell that to each other one more time during the night, when you’re both tangled in the covers, gasping, touching and being closer than ever.
 

 

~*~
 

 

“It’s been ten months since we started to go out. Can you believe it?” You ask him one day on Skype. You take a chocolate bar from the table and go to sit in front of the screen. “And a year since we met. I know because I’ve read my diary.”

“You wrote about me in your diary?” Chanyeol snorts. You unpack the chocolate bar with a shrug and then remember that he can’t see you shrugging.

“I write down everything,” you answer, taking a bite.

“What did you write?”

“I focused on your beautiful copper hair and the way you held your paintbrush,” you said with a chuckle.

“Gosh, you’re lame.”

“Shut up, you’re the cheesy one here.”

“You’re both cheesy so please go be lovey-dovey somewhere else,” says your roommate, Sulli, entering the room. She throws you a book and it lands swiftly on your knees.

“Hi Sulli,” Chanyeol chimes, and the girl rolls her eyes, takes a deep sigh.

“You are both so cute and lame that I want to puke when I listen to you talk,” she says instead of a 'hello', opening the wardrobe and looking for something to wear.

“You going out?” You ask, shoving the rest of the bar into your mouth.

“Jogging,” she answers. You growl. You hate running. “You could use some of that too. You do nothing but sit, eat and study. Chanyeol, tell her to sleep sometimes.”

“I do,” says Chanyeol. “Every night. When she calls me at 3 am to tell me about the amazing world of body cells and bacteria,” he adds, and you’d shove at him or clasp a hand on his mouth, but you can’t. Damn Skype.

“Ha, ha,” you say sarcastically. “It only shows how good of a doctor I’ll be, shut up.”

Chanyeol grins at you.

“You still owe me a song, remember?” He asks and your roll your eyes but smile back at him fondly. Sulli shuts the wardrobe and strips in front of you, quickly changing her clothes. Then she shots you a quick ‘bye’ and is out of the apartment.

“I remember,” you tell him once she’s gone. “There’ll be this contest or something in July. I’ll sing you then.”

“That’s four months,” Chanyeol sputters.

“I didn’t have time to practice,” you say, although it’s not exactly true. You’re incredibly scared to go out on the scene in front of so many people, but you promised him after all.

“You’ll be great. And if not and if people will boo you, I’ll scream so loudly you won’t even hear them.”

“You’re an idiot,” you snort.

“You love me anyway.”

You do.

 

~*~

 

Chanyeol does start working in a call center.

He’s really grumpy about it at first, but after two days he feels like in seventh heaven. He thought that he’ll have to call old people about insurance and vacuum cleaners and persuade them to buy various, useless stuff, but instead he got asked if he has any experience in problems involving family issues and if he has anything against being on the receiving end of a help line.

That’s how he found himself helping people with real problems. They called him when they were sad, told him about their problems; his job was to listen to them, encourage them to be brave, but don’t influence them in any way. They didn’t know who he is and he never told any of them his real name, but he felt useful because they actually appreciated his help. He had a few people who called him every day on the appointed hour because they liked the sound of his voice or his soft hums or thought that he’s calming. They liked to talk to him about everything and nothing.

He got so involved into it and he found it so relaxing and good that he informed you that he can work there for the rest of his life.

One day he got a significant call, though; a girl told him that she doesn’t know what to do and she’s a few steps from finally ending her life.

Chanyeol talked her out of it.

He drove to you with Kyungsoo that day and spent the whole night with you. He was proud of himself but he was also pretty shaken by the whole situation.

“We don’t even realize how sad people around us are,” he said. “We pass them on the streets, greet them, we see them smile and wave but inside they’re screaming for help. How awful is it that they have to call strangers to convince themselves they deserve to live? That’s so ed up.”

You play with his fingers, listening to him talk. He talks for hours. You don’t get bored or annoyed, you swallow his every word, and by the end of his long monologue, he huffs a laugh and apologizes to you for acting like this.

“It’s fine,” you say. “You’re usually the one who listens. So I’ll be the one you can talk to. It’s more than perfect for me.”

 

~*~

 

You come back home for summer vacation and you decide to meet up with your old gang and go camping. Jongin’s dad turns out to have this old camper and after gathering some money and buying everything that’s need you head south. You even invite Sulli and she agrees, but only if she can take her friend Minho with her.

You spend two weeks by the lake, playing volleyball in the sun, swimming, making fire every evening and eating s’moores every day to the point you all want to puke at the sight of them.

The last day is the first time you play the guitar in front of them all – Chanyeol, Kyungsoo, Chen, Jongin, Sulli, Ji Eun and Minho. You don’t sing, you just play anything they can thing of and they’re all incredibly shocked and amazed by the fact that you can play almost anything. Even if you haven’t learned a certain song, you just have to hear they hum it to know which strings to touch, what kind of melody and tempo to use.

Chanyeol sways with your music and later, when he spoons you in the tent, he tells you that he’s never heard anything more comforting than your guitar.

 

~*~

 

You don’t manage to sing for him in July because you break your wrist.

He teases you about it, tells you that it’s a weird way to avoid commitment, and you’d smack him if not your, well, broken wrist.

You ask Kyungsoo to smack him for you and he willingly obliges.

Chanyeol decided to buy himself an apartment by the end of August. His parents are against it, but he managed to gather enough money to buy a solid place without having to take a loan.

He hums happily the whole day.

“Do you really think that it’s a good idea?” You ask. “Not that I think you’re not capable of living alone, just-“

“Hey, I’ll be good,” he cuts in. “I don’t want to be a burden to my parents anymore. They’ve helped me so much already. I’m pretty capable of having my own life so then can have theirs back.”

“Then at least get a dog,” you supply. Every time you see him with a white cane something weird happens with your heart. Sometimes you forget that he’s blind and that he has to be so careful around himself. A cane is okay, but there’s always a possibility that something bad happens to him when he’s on his own and that scares the out of you.

Chanyeol thinks it through and doesn’t give you any answer for the next two days. He shows you the apartment he wants to buy. It’s not big, but it’s not small either; there’s two bedrooms, one bathroom, a living room and a kitchen. The walls are freshly painted; there are white, big windows and nice, wooden, dark floor. He still hasn’t chosen the furniture because he hoped you’d do it with him.

His words make you think about living with him one day and your stomach is swirling suddenly.

After all this time, and he still makes you feel like a typical teenage girl with her first crush.

You go to a furniture store with him on the next day. You describe every piece to him and he tells you which ones he thinks are the prettiest. Not nice, not fine, not fitting but prettiest.

He officially buys the apartment three days later; he has a bed two days after that, and a week after that you go to choose a dog for him.

Her name is Bomi and she’s a trained golden retriever.

Chanyeol lets her get to know him first before he even dares to touch her. He’s very distant when it comes you animals, you’ve realized it in the start. You watch as the dog slowly warms up to him and his face and he jumps from surprise, making a face but laughing and petting her right away. Bomi snuggles close to him and it looks like they’re going to get alone.

“I’d be jealous if I was you,” a girl whispers to you from the side with a playful wink and you smile at her.

He has to sign some papers and even do some tests that are required when you buy a trained dog, and before you can take her home, she has to stay a day longer at the clinic so have all the check-up done and stuff.

You go to buy everything she needs with Chanyeol and Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo is so excited about the dog that he runs around the shop like a madman, pointing at every cute thing he finds. He chooses three collars – pink with silver zircons, baby blue with white dots and a black one with silver buckle. You frown at his selection and he shrugs at you innocently.

“I want her to have a brown one. Instead of pink, for example,” you say.

“Pink is a must,” Kyungsoo counters.

“Then put the black one away.”

“But it’ll make her look so badass! You can’t get rid of the black one, it’s too cool.”

“But the brown one will look so pretty with her cream fur! Like chocolate with whipped cream or something. And we don’t have money for four collars and leashes, come on.”

“But they’re all so pretty,” Kyungsoo pouts, his shoulders falling in sadness and surrender.

Chanyeol coughs loudly on your side. You turn to look at him.

“We’ll take the blue and brown one. End of the topic. She’s my dog. Kyungsoo, you can go choose her a bed.

Kyungsoo looks like it’s Christmas and takes off.

“Your friend is a tiny bit crazy,” you say, smiling widely. Chanyeol puts his hand on your hip and brings you close until you’re flush against him.

“He takes after me,” he says, pecking you on your nose. You giggle and get away from his touch, put the brown collar into the cart.

 

~*~

 

Bomi is lovely and she’s the best dog you’ve ever seen.

You go for a walk with them and you don’t touch Chanyeol all the way, Bomi is the only one leading him. She stops on the red signs, barks when there’s someone running from the other side, turns when there’s some obstacle on the road. Since Chanyeol knows the city, he can say where to turn and go, so he just tells her ‘right’, ‘left’, ‘cross the street’, and she shows him the way.

You watch in amazement.

But soon the Summer Vacation is over and you need to go back to college, back to the books and studying. Your mom is proud of you and she cries on the last day of your stay; you spend the last hours before your train comes with Chanyeol, sprawled on the bed.

 

~*~

 

Your life goes by and you’re still with him.

You study hard. Soon, a year passes, then the next one. You’re twenty two and one of the best students on the year; Chanyeol somehow meets a man named Jonghyun, who is a CEO of a big company that is engaged in various charity programs and finances numerous lectures about the problems of the generation. One of his close friends is blind, apparently, and one of his firm’s department deals with this problem, so when he finds out that Chanyeol has experience on the psychology and social field, he proposes him a job.

Chanyeol drives around the country giving lectures and teaching people that being blind isn’t such a bad thing. You find an interview with him in a magazine once, even, and you cut it out and hang it above your desk.

 

~*~

 

You finally get a chance to sing on a scene in September. The city is organizing a charity concert (you yelp from excitement because you can combine pleasure with being useful) and you decide to sign up.

They only ask you to sign one paper and you tell Chanyeol when the concert is going to be; he promises he’ll be there and laughs at your awful timing.

“I’ve waited three years!” He shouts with a chuckle. Then his voice falters. “Bomi is sick.”

You frown, abandoning your books.

“What wrong with her?”

“They don’t know for sure, but it looks like she’s got a tumor of some kind.”

You gasp at that, standing up. Sulli sends you a worried look from behind her laptop.

“A tumor? How-“

“They said it hasn’t spread and they’re able to get rid of it without make her weaker, but she has to spend a few weeks with them.”

You let out a loud, relieved sigh; Sulli is still staring at you, blinking nervously, and you send her a reassuring smile to indicate that everything is fine. But then a thought occurs to you.

“So you’re on your own?” You ask.

“Raejin,” Chanyeol says, his voice wary and as if ready to argue. “I’m fine. I know the city. Kyungsoo will be back for a week in a few days and he said he can accompany me anywhere I want, he wanted to spend most of the time with me anyway. I’ll be careful till then.”

You bite your lip, worry creeping under your skin. Something unpleasant settles in your gut.

“Okay. He’ll be able to take you to the concert, right? I’ll have to be there a few hours earlier. He’d have to pick you up straight from work.”

“Yeah, I’ll tell him,” he says, smile almost hearable in his voice. “And Raejin?”

“What?”

“I know it’s not a talk for a phone call, so I won’t ask you this yet, but I want to talk to you about living together.”

His words slowly sink in and you feel your insides burn pleasantly with excitement and content and happiness. Chanyeol wants to live with you. He wants to share his life with you. He wants-

“Absolutely,” you choke out, nodding like crazy. Sulli sends you another glance, this time a judging one, and she growls loudly when you tell Chanyeol you love him.

 

~*~

 

You check the strings of your guitar for the first time and perk from behind the curtain to see a huge crowd of people gathering around the scene. You almost can’t see the park because there’s so many of them; someone claps you on your back and you turn to see Ji Eun jumping excitedly on her feet.

“Ready to rock the scene?” She asks, grinning.

“I’m not sure if you can rock the scene with a folk song,” you say doubtfully, but she waves a hand at it.

“You can rock with any song you want,” she states, gives you a crushing hug and pulls back, still hyper. She’s always been the person who most enjoyed your successes. “I’m so proud of you. It’s a huge step. Chanyeol thinks he can’t be more in love with you; he’ll be surprised.”

You laugh at that and hug her once again.

The first band comes onstage. Ji Eun tells you she’s gonna join the crowd so she can watch from there; you nod, too nervous to answer.

The first song goes by and the crowd cheers. The boys get out of the scene and a single vocalist comes in, says that he’s gonna ease the mood a bit, and sings a ballad. You check your phone in the middle of it, singers and groups shuffling around you, preparing for their performances.

You send Chanyeol a text.

 

~*~

 

“You out of work yet?” A synthetic voice from his phone says. Chanyeol taps his foot nervously on the pavement, clutching his hand around the bag. Kyungsoo isn’t answering his phone and he forgot to take his cane from home; the concert is happening fifteen minutes away from here and although he knows the way, he doesn’t want to imagine how angry you’re gonna be when he shows up alone.

He call Kyungsoo again, but still no answer.

“Aish,” he mumbles. “Call Chen,” he says to the phone; his number dials and Chen picks up, music in the background.

“Yeah, man!” He says, or rather shouts.

“You’re there already?” Chanyeol asks a bit dumbly, of course he is, if the music blaring is enough of an indication.

“I can’t hear you. You coming or what?!”

Chanyeol grunts nervously.

“Yeah!” He shouts back; a women turns to look at him, startled, but he only hears the sudden rustle of her bags.

He calls Kyungsoo again and this time he picks up.

“Oh thank-“

“I can’t make it,” Kyungsoo gasps into the phone; Chanyeol frowns.

“What happened?”

“My grandma had a .”

Chanyeol closes his mouth with a loud clatter of teeth.

“I- is she- what-?”

“I don’t know, Chanyeol, I’m so sorry I can’t take you to the concert,” he says hurriedly. “, I’m so sorry-“

“Shut up, your grandma almost died, go find out if she’s okay!” Chanyeol shouts. “No need to apologize, send me a text if she’s okay, alright? I’ll drive to the hospital as soon as the performance ends.”

“Yeah, alright,” Kyungsoo huffs, his voice shaky. “Don’t go there alone, call a cab or Chen or Jongin. Or at least take a bus. Don’t go alone, understand?”

“Yeah,” says Chanyeol. “Be strong, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Kyungsoo says, a soft chuckle in his voice that dissolves into a tiny whine.

“Alright, see you in an hour,” Chanyeol says.

“See you,” Kyungsoo ends the call and Chanyeol stands up.

Another text message comes from you.

Where are you?

“Be there in ten,” he says to the receiver and puts the phone into his pocket.

 

~*~

 

You clench and unclench your fingers around the guitar instantly, nervous because of the huge crowd and also because it’s your turn soon and Chanyeol still isn’t there. You count the minutes but it doesn’t help at all.

Jongin drops by to hug you and wish you luck and Chen waves at you from the crowd; it’s almost a miracle you actually manage to find him.

Five minutes pass by, and the crowd wants a bis from the girls duo that’s just performed.

You let out a huff of relief.

But then they finish and someone shouts out your name.

It’s your turn.

 

~*~

 

Chanyeol passes the bakery and crosses the street towards the shop center. His phone buzzes and he has to stop to get the message.

Someone hits him in the shoulder and his phone jumps out of his palm; there’s a soft curse by his side.

“Sorry man,” says some teenager; Chanyeol can hear the vague movements he makes and something poking him on the arm. He assumes the stranger is giving him his phone and he pulls his hand out clumsily, almost smacking it back onto the ground.

“You okay?” The person asks.

“I’m blind,” Chanyeol answers stiffly, takes the phone and passes him without a single word.

 

 

~*~

 

 

You somehow managed to convince another band to perform before you and they agreed. It wasn’t a hard task, all the people here are nice and there’s no strict schedule of performances,  but you’re still incredibly grateful.

“No worries,” says the vocalist, pats you on your shoulder with a wink and disappears to the scene.

They’re warmly welcomed.

 

~*~

 

Chanyeol can feel grass under his feet and that’s how he knows that he’s close to the scene. He doesn’t want you to be nervous, so he sends you a quick text saying that he’ll be there in two, and then, after those two minutes past and when he crosses the south side of the park, he sends you a text that he’s there, in the back. It’s a lie, but it’s not that far from truth – he can hear the music already, it echoes through the area.

 

 

~*~

 

The sky is painted red and orange when the band finishes their song. You look at your phone, seeing Chanyeol’s text, and you smile widely. You hope that you’ll be able to find him in the crowd. It should be that hard since he’s not that hard to miss, not with his height and light hair, but you still worry.

One of the organizers looks at you questioningly and you nod to let him know you’re ready. He blinks in a nod, shows a thumbs up to someone up the scene and the lights change from red to blue. They make a short announcement, tell everyone who’s going to perform just like they did before everyone else’s performances, and the same man who make a sign to change lights now gives you a sign to enter the scene.

You go to the scene, everyone cheering loudly upon seeing you, trying to give you courage; Chen and Jongin shout the loudest and you send them a toothed smile. Ji Eun makes blowing kisses at you and crosses her arms, trying to stop her tears.

“You’re such a sap,” you mouth to her and a few people around her laugh at it to.

You sit down onto a stool that’s prepared for you and make yourself comfortable, prop your guitar under your arm; it fits perfectly, practically melts into your skin. Even though it’s Autumn and it’s cold outside, your skin is burning from excitement and stage-fright.

You look at the back of the crowd, looking for Chanyeol, but you can’t spot him right away. You set the microphone so the angle is right, still looking for him.

“This one is for Chanyeol,” you say to the microphone; your voice echoes through the park, a few people howl and clap at your words, and you send them a thankful smile.

Then you start playing.

 

~*~
 

 

Chanyeol stops when he hears a soft buzz coming from the traffic lights, indicating that he can’t cross yet. Thank God the city has invested into those things.

The signal changes then, from the instant buzz into rhythmic pips, and that’s how he knows he can cross.

He makes his way onto the street. He’s in the middle of the pedestrian crossing when a sharp, roaring sound snatches him out from his own thoughts. He turns towards the sound, although he knows he won’t see anything anyway; it’s more of a habit.

Then something hits him.

Pain spreads through his whole body and the force of the blow is so strong that his feet separate from the ground; he falls onto his side, hitting something hard and cold – a car, he tells himself – and his neck snaps weirdly under some pressure.

His head hits the windshield; the glass brakes, cutting onto his skin, getting too deep, too fast; there’s glass everywhere, in his hair, in his eyes, on his cheeks. The impact is so strong his whole body spins and he feels as if falling, and he knows, after a few seconds, that he has indeed fallen onto the ground.

His head hits the pavement. It’s heave and it’s bleeding and it hurts like hell. There’s a crack in his skull that he can feel with his every sense. His pulse is too fast, blood is pumping through his veins like a hurricane, humming crazily in his ears.

He goes into shock, but he doesn’t have time to actually pass through it, because he bleeds out too fast.

There’s warm fluid already reaching his bend shoulder.

The blood loss makes him feel dizzy and he can’t hear anything. There’s someone touching his shoulder, but he can’t see, he can’t hear.

The only thing he hears is the music.

The guitar.

It starts softly; it’s muted, since he’s still far away from the scene, but it’s there.

And then there’s your voice.

Stay up all night…

He closes his eyes, lets his ears feed on the sounds of your singing voice.

He’s never heard anything this beautiful.

…and I’ll make you okay, I’ll drive them away, the images stuck in your head…

He’s dying.

He knows he’s dying and he can’t do anything about it. Life is slowly flowing out of him, leaving his body, and he can’t believe that it’ll end like this.

Your voice still echoes in his head, beautiful and clear.

I like you the best…

He squeezes his eyes hard, tears flowing out of them like a freaking waterfall. He wanted to live with you. He wanted to kiss you for the rest of your life. He wanted to be with you.

Maybe have a kid with you.

His body spasms, convulses, and everything is in pain.

I’ll keep them still

His last thought is of you running your hand through his hair.

 

 

 

 

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