“Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile” – Albert Einstein

Donghae opened his eyes and found himself sitting on the floor. It was back to the white place. He stared blankly at the wall that doesn’t show anything, but images of his life. His eyes went slowly from left to right. His mind was at peace.

He knew what he had to do. Or thought he would know what to do.

He felt movement behind him and smiled. Without turning, Donghae spoke to the figure.

“I was always loved,” he began. “I’ve always thought that God had to put me through so many trials, so many hardships to make me become more of a better person.”

He felt his tears slowly pouring out but refused to wipe them. “This decision to live or not to live might be the hardest one to make.”

“Should I make my members cry and be depressed over my dead body? Should I leave umma and my hyung sad for the loss of another beloved family member? Or should I part from this place where I don’t feel pain? Should I go back and feel more pain and sadness that my dreams and hopes that I worked to achieve are now gone? Is there really nothing I can do?

Then I thought to myself. If I have no faith, if I believed what I am shown but not try to change it, would I be happy with my choice? How would my brothers think when they found out that I had a choice to live again? How would they think I choice to leave because I couldn’t dance?”

He sniffed a bit, rubbing his nose. “Kyuhyun, oh my maknae, he probably was in this situation. To lose his voice? Or to die? But Kyuhyunnie chose to live. He chose to come back to us. So we can all be one again…”

More tears rolled down his face as when he felt the figure placed on his shoulder. The grip on his shoulder was so familiar. It felt like it was back then. It felt like the time when his appa was comforting him before he left for his dreams to sing and dance. He felt the figure tugging his shoulder to face it.

Still, Donghae refused to turn to the figure.

“I’m ashamed to see you. Because of the choice I’m going to make, I don’t want to make you sad.”

He felt the hand loosen its grip on his shoulder. The touch moved to his head. Donghae felt that same exact touch every single time he cried when he sees his appa. That touch to let him know that it’s ok to cry. It’s ok to stop being strong. “Donghae” a voice finally spoke. ”My dear child Donghae.”

Donghae finally turned and stared into the face of his father. He couldn’t help but gasp. His father looked the same. His sparkle in his eyes. His soft smile. His gentle face. Everything he’s staring at is what he remembered his father was before he died… before he was buried.

“Appa…” Donghae whispered, “Appa…it’s really you…”

His father’s eye curved up like his own kind smile. He patted his son’s cheek. “Donghae,” he said again, “My dear son… you’ve been through so much…”

Donghae bit his lip. He wanted to be strong. He wanted to not cry like he did when he was a kid. Like the time when he missed his family because he was training all day. He trained all day to create the dream that his father couldn’t achieve.

”My dear son,” his father said once more, “There’s no need for you to feel any guilt. Each time you cry, my heart aches and long to reach out to you to let you know it will be alright. Each time you feel alone, I sit by your side, hoping you can feel I’m right next to you. Each time you feel tired, I create the sweetest dreams for you so you can rest at ease. Each time you smile, I feel reassured. I’ve watched you from the beginning till the end. All the ups and downs. All the tears of sadness and joy. I’m so proud of you.”

Donghae continued to look down to avert his father’s gaze. He had long to hear his father’s voice. He had long to hear everything his father has said since his father left the world before really seeing Super Junior go global.

“My child…if I could have one wish, it was be able to sing to you whenever you want to feel me around you. His father reached out to his face. His cold hands touched Donghae’s skin, but sent warmth and  love to his heart.

“I want you to sing and be happy with your voice. I want you to sing and be happy with the people around you. I want you to sing and be happy on how you grow to be who you are right now.”

Donghae’s tears suddenly appeared on his hands. The simple sentences didn’t need to tell him how his father felt about all those missed years. It’s already enough. He brought his head to his knees and cried. “I want to stay with you. But the members…. I don’t want to leave them just yet. Even if I have to be crippled and not be able to dance again, I still have more to look forward to… I can try to compose for the them… I can try to help make their schedules better…Even though I know that I can’t do everything that well… I can still do my best and never give up…We tried so hard to become one… and if I leave everyone… we can’t be that anymore. I’m sorry Appa. I just can’t stay. I just cant….” his voice trailed off.

He felt a gush of cold air lift his head. “Then my son, live and sing for me and you.” His father embraced him, giving him relief. After the embrace, his father gestured him to the floor.“Sit my son, and close your eyes.”

Looking at his father one last time, Donghae closed his eyes and everything went black.