She didn’t realize that their relationship was deteriorating until it all felt too late. It crept up to her like a sick, symptomless disease, and caught her off guard. She had been fine all along, she swore she was. The moment it hit her, she had been seeing him off. He was leaving to some exotic location across the ocean that she didn’t bother to enquire the name of, to promote his band’s music, yet again.

Their routine fell into a simple pattern. He would be missing for most of the month, returned for a few days –a week at a stretch –and then leave again. She couldn’t even blame him. Even when she felt completely, utterly selfish, she couldn’t deprive him from his dream. “You know how I feel, right?” he would often say, as he embraced her into a warm, tight hug. Love and tenderness clung onto his every word, and her misery was soon forgotten again.

But negative feelings was never meant for suppression, she soon learn that well enough. When she saw him leave for the third time that month, she was finally forced over the edge. But like the timid girl she was, she was unable to voice out her feelings, her frustration. She obediently wished him a safe journey and waved him goodbye, hiding the tremor in her voice. He kissed her on the lips gingerly, as if he had knew she would break down.

As if. But he didn’t. He never knew, he wouldn’t even begin to realize, nor to suspect. To him, she was his angel whom he often bragged about to his band mates. After all, how many girlfriends were as sweet and obedient as she was, waiting for him who was gone for most of the time patiently? None. He often smiled, knowing exactly how lucky he was to have her. Every day, he wished to treat her better, love her more.

As soon as he left, she paced around the room. Her mind was a mess, and her body felt the need to move, just to have something to do other than just think. By the end of the hour, her thoughts finally aligned, forming the decision that became firmer by the second. She surprised herself by the fierceness of her determination, but soon came to the terms that she knew, all along, that she couldn’t live with this anymore.

She needed a boyfriend that would be there for her, not someone that was more often gone than not like him. She wasn’t clingy or desperate for attention, but there were times she just needed someone to hold her hand, hug her and whisper that things will be alright. Every so often, she found herself crying to sleep, hugging a pillow, pretending that it was him. But it wasn’t the same, of course it wasn’t.

She merely stuffed her belongings into a small backpack, leaving out anything unimportant. Her actions became more clumsy, more hurried as time passed. An odd sense of urgency dawned on her and she felt like she had to leave. There was a minimum chance that he would suddenly return, but she didn’t want to bet on it. She loved him still, and if he were to beg –he would if he knew –she would drop all her luggage and cling onto him again.

Her hands trembled as she struggled to even hold the pen to write the note. She wasn’t going to leave a letter, just a small note. What was good of a long-winded letter? She didn’t want to leave any attachments, but he needed to know she was gone. Her words were a mess, but it didn’t matter. It wasn’t meant to be fancy. She left the note on the table where she was sure he will find it, and left. She closed the door to their home, life and subsequently, future.

Kai,

You often asked if I knew how you felt. I always nodded, but the truth was, I didn’t know. How did you really feel as you left your girlfriend to rot for days, weeks, sometimes months? I cannot get you at all. Even though I really loved you, I won’t do this anymore. Let me be selfish this once.

Love, Soohyang