“We have to get rid of him.”

I listen from behind closed doors, feeling an almighty tug at my heart. I feel sick. I thought they were handling it well, but I suppose they’ve just gotten sick of it. Sick of me.

“No, this is his dream.”

Kris. Always Kris.

“But he makes things so much harder. No idols have ever had to go through this!”

I cannot place the voice, as they are speaking in hushed whispers, under the presumption that I am still in my room, still asleep.

“No. We work through it.”

Kris defending me again, like he always does. Before they can continue, I push through the door and let out a yawn just for good measure. I don’t want them to know I’ve been listening in.

“Oh. Good morning Luhan.”

I trace my hand along the wall, working my way clockwise around the room until I find the couch.

It is more silent than usual. And it remains so for the rest of the day.

--

“Luhan.” A hushed whisper, a sigh on the crisp air.

“What is it, gege?” I ask, pulling the sheets of my bed closer to my face.

“Uh…”

For once, it seems, Kris is at a loss for words. I turn my head on my pillow and strain my ears for some voice.

“Gege?” I question softly.

I hear a sigh, and the air in the bedroom somehow seems stiff. Stale.

“I will never let you get kicked out of EXO.” Kris’ voice fills the room. It is strong, assertive. I brush my hand up along my hairline.

“Oh?” I feign a look of puzzlement on my face.

“I know you heard us.” Kris says, reaching out and taking my hand in his. I flinch as he brings his hand up to my face, gently tracing circles under my eyes. “I can’t bear the way the others treat you, just because you’re well… different.”

I sigh into the touch, tilting my head away from him.

“It’s to be expected, gege. After all, I am blind.” A dead silence fills the room.

“I won’t let them,” Kris reasserts, his touch becoming softly violent as he cups my face and pulls me towards him. “I won’t let them get rid of you. I care too much for you to let you go.”

My heart hammers in my chest. I almost let out a squeak as I am pulled from my bed and into his.

He holds me close to him, his body perfectly wrapped around mine. His arms close around my torso, somewhat possessively.

“Gege?” I question. But my utterance is met by silence. Instead, I feel his breath between the strands of my hair, a light kiss placed atop my forehead.

And in this position I stay for the rest of the night.

--

“Luhan, get out of the way.” I am violently shoved up some steps.

“Quick Luhan, get into position.”

I hold my hand out in front of me, clutching a walking stick in the other. Once the end of the walking stick hits a groove of masking tape that has been placed on the ground just for me, I push the stick to the ground. This is my spot.

We rehearse for what seems like hours, my body trembles at every movement that I make. I know I am doing the dance steps right, for occasionally the others brush against me as they are supposed to. This is not only a part of the choreography; I am also able to re-align myself on stage.

Find my bearings.

Once we are finished I hear the others walking away, probably off to grab a bite to eat. I fish around for my walking stick.

But it is into my arm.

“Here.”

“Thanks, gege.”

A hand is placed on my shoulder, and I am steered out of the room. A door opens and closes. A rush of wind on my cheeks. Movement.

Again I feel completely incompetent under his gaze. I don’t need to see his face to know he’s watching me.

I don't understand our relationship.

I hear the click of a car door opening, and my head is pushed downwards so that I don’t accidentally hit it on the top of the vehicle as I get in.

“What do you think of going to the Chinese restaurant down the road?”

Xiumin. He always did like his steamed buns.
“Sure.”
I suppose it is the restaurant that we frequent after rehearsal.

--

“Well, we’re home now.”

My lips curl upwards as I note the familiar air of our apartment. Home, sweet home. I immediately feel better.

“Time for bed.”

My hand traces the wall, and I make it to my shared room.

“Goodnight.”

I don’t want to talk to the others. I’m too exhausted. When we practice, I have to concentrate really hard.

“I’m turning in for the night too.”

A familiar pair of hands hit my shoulders and I hear our bedroom door close. My fingers find my pyjamas that I had left on the end of my bed, and I quickly get changed.

“Come here, Luhan,” he breathes in my ear, pulling me once again to his side of the room.

--

“I’ve been thinking about something.”

Kris. I hear the rustling of a newspaper and I feel the incline of the couch as he eases himself down next to me.

Kris and I are alone today. Xiumin, Lay, Chen and Tao are out on some talk show. Our manager decided that I needed the day off.

Kris had insisted that they couldn’t leave me alone by myself.

“Luhan?”

“What have you been thinking about, gege?” I ask. An arm snakes its way around my waist.

“I was thinking… maybe you could get surgery.” My brows furrow. Do I not look good enough for him? Are the fans complaining that there is one member with a nose not as straight as the others?

It is well known that Korean stars get surgery to keep themselves looking fresh.

“Why, gege?”

Kris loudly exhales.

“Because, you can’t see, and everything will be easier if you could see.”

I want to cry, but I can’t let my tears fall in front of him. I am a burden after all. He doesn’t want me. He doesn’t need me.

I stalk out of the apartment, not even sure where I’m going. I assume its close to nightfall, as there is a slight nip in the air.

“Luhan, wait!” he yells.

I keep walking.

--

I lose my way somewhere, and it begins to rain. Weather in South Korea is a fickle thing, always changing. But the rain makes sense to me. It suits my mood.

I haven’t been able to hear Kris’ voice for at least two hours.
 

There is no silence around me, instead a cacophony of foreign sounds. I am aware of just how helplessly lost I am.

I let the tears fall, they mix with the rain. I sit on the ground and bring my knees towards my body. I feel hopeless, helpless in the sea that surrounds me. It hurts.

My head hurts.

My heart hurts.

I really don't know what to do with myself.

“Luhan!”

I am picked off the ground and brought into a tight embrace.

“Don’t ever do that to me again.”

There is a quiver in Kris’ voice. I feel beads of water brush down my cheeks, but I am unsure if it is his tears or the rain.

“I didn’t mean to upset you. I just… Luhan, I want you to be able to see someone who loves you.”

His words confuse me.

“Gege?”

“Luhan, please. I want you to get eye surgery. I want you to be able to see things. It breaks my heart to know that you can’t see how beautiful you are.”

This is the most I have ever heard Kris speak in one go. His words tug at my heart.

“Luhan, most of all I want you to see me. And be with me.” I feel heat rise to my cheeks.

“Gege, I don’t know…”

“Do it for me, Luhan.”

I in some air, exhaling in trepidation. I don’t have the kind of money to get eye surgery. But I do love Kris; that much I am aware of. And my heart tells me he reciprocates the feelings.

“I don’t have that kind of money, Kris.” My throat is raw.

“I’ll pay.”

I think long and hard, hearing the shuffle of footsteps on the pavement, and the patter of rain as it brushes the tops of buildings. I shiver.

“OK.”