Chapter 5: Aftermath

My body felt numb. I couldn’t feel anything anymore. I stayed with Seung Hyun in our apartment for the past week. I didn’t go to work either. I called the president and told him that I needed time off. Seung Hyun managed to take his work outside the studio and work on it in our apartment. Seung Hyun and I haven’t seen Jiyong since the night of his birthday. We didn’t know anything about him and yet after six days the president wanted to talk to us, later today. I was afraid to show up, I was scared to face Jiyong.

I did stop crying yesterday finally. Seung Hyun looked a bit calm too. I didn’t know what we were going to do. Most what was going to happen to Big Bang. My eyes were narrowed to the white wall.

“You should try calling him.” Seung Hyun whispered, sitting next to be on the bed.

“He won’t pick up. His stubborn. I don’t even know what to tell him-.”

“The truth. That you and I have been in a relationship for the past three years. That you and I love each other.” Seung Hyun said cutting me off.

“It’s not that easy.”

“It’s not easy for you, when you knew you hurt the person that loves you.”

I placed my hands on my face, and I pulled my hair in distress. Seung Hyun exhaled and pulled out a cigarette from his back pocket and lite it. I could smell the smoke and it tickle my nose. I hated when he smoked, but he only smoked when he was anxious and upset.

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I think I was more concerned than Seung Hyun at this point. We were sitting in the president office waiting for the president to arrive. My eyes were narrowed to the window, looking into nothingness.

“Stop doing that.” Seung Hyun muttered, removing my nails from my arm. I looked to what I was doing to myself; I had the habit of peeling off my skin with my nails, when I was uneasy. It was a problem I couldn’t get rid of.

“Stop hurting yourself. This is not your fault.”

He held my hand so I wouldn’t do it again. The door open and the president walked inside, closing the door behind him. He looked at us and then looked how Seung Hyun was holding my hand; I slowly pulled my hand away from Seung Hyun’s grip.

“What is going on?” The president asked, sitting on the large black chair. “None of the other members know what the problem between You, Seung Hyun and Jiyong is.”

I turn to look at Seung Hyun, and then back to the president. “Seung Hyun and I have been in a three year relationship. Nobody knows. Jiyong found out last week and-“

“And you being Jiyong’s best friend he doesn’t agree to your relationship with Seung Hyun.”

I nodded.

“I don’t see the problem. The three of you are adults. If you love someone you can’t help it.”

“President this is not her fault.” Seung Hyun said in a low voice.

“I know it’s not her fault. It’s nobody’s fault. I very impressed both of you manage a secret relationship for so long. At least both of you are smart enough to fool everybody.”

I looked down, and the president continued to talk.

“Jiyong called me last night, he didn’t sound too good. I think it is best if you talk to him soon.”

“I will.” I cooed.

“Are you doing well, I knew Jiyong and you share an apartment together. Do you have a place to stay?”

The president was more worried than angry, that was a side I wasn’t familiar with. The president was harsh and demanding to us than being caring to us. We knew he cared about us but he never showed.

“Yeah. Seung Hyun and I share an apartment together too. We’re both staying there.”

The expression in the president was more overwhelm than angry. He probably thought Seung Hyun and I were too clever for our own good.

“Jiyong asked me to transfer you, but I am not going to do that. You’re one of my favorite photographers in company. You work hard and get the work done. Photography is your passion and people love your work. If you want to transfer you can. I’ll get you into another company. But this is your decision not Jiyong. I’ll give you couple days to think about it. If you decide to stay, you’ll be switch to be 2NE1 official photographer instead. I don’t want any problems anymore.”

I nodded.

“Seung Hyun. After she talks to Jiyong, you’ll have to too. I don’t want this problem to affect the other members.”

“Ne president.”

“You both can leave.”

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Seung Hyun and I took a taxi to Jiyong’s apartment. I didn’t want to say it was my apartment too because I had lost that privilege. At first Seung Hyun didn’t want to go but I convince him it was the right thing to do. I walked to the front desk, the gentlemen greeted me and he had a surprise look on his face. Jiyong and I lived in the tenth floor; I knew Jiyong would be in the apartment, the members said he has been in there for the past six days not wanting to talk to anybody. He was angry, and he had the right to be angry. Youngbae told before I left YG that Jiyong had been drinking too and to be careful.

I slide my hand to my pocket to find the apartment keys, slowly turning the key and pushing the door open. Seung Hyun was behind me, and we walk inside noticing that the living room was still a mess. Glass shattered on the floor, and then I thought of Gaho. The pup had probably not been feed for a while; I dropped the keys on the table and went to look for Gaho. I closely looked everywhere but he wasn’t anywhere in the apartment and the only place that I didn’t check yet was in the Jiyong’s room.

I look up the stairs and took a deep breathe; I had to gain strength to face him. I understood that he was beyond disappointed of me and I felt hopeless.  Then I felt Seung Hyun hand grab mine, I couldn’t see his face and I knew he was worried for what I was about to do.

“I’ll try and talk to him now. Okay.” I whispered.

“Alright but be gentle with him… and be more gentle with yourself.”

“Why myself?”

I turned to look at Seung Hyun’s face, his expression was serious. “Whether you want to accept it or not… you’re in love him too, if his heart is shattered your heart will break too.”

Seung Hyun was right I did love Jiyong, but I didn’t love Jiyong like I loved him. I kissed Seung Hyun lips before looking away painfully. He let go of my hand and I heard him walk away to sit on the love seat.

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“For goodness sake Jiyong, open up please!”

I was knocking on the door for a good ten minutes, then finally I heard him grasped the door knob and twisted it. He yanked the door open enough for me to see his face. His sienna eyes penetrated mine, and for moment I thought I was going to burst into tears.

“What?”

I could smell the alcohol and feel his pain. “I’m sorry.”

“And?”

My nose wrinkled at the smell of alcohol in his breathes. “I’m so sorry Jiyong.”

“I don’t care.”

I wanted to touch him so bad, hug him. Tell him that I was really sorry I had kept a secret from him and lying to him.  He took a deep breath and shook his head, lean his body on the side of the door.

“Is Gaho okay?” I manage to say. He turned to look around his room, I took a glance he had completely destroyed his room.

“Gaho, come here boy.”

The small tan pup walked to Jiyong’s commends and Jiyong moved away so Gaho can make his way to me. I looked down on the pup and picked him up. Last I seen him he was smaller, Gaho started to my face. Jiyong then gently close and locked the door, “Take Gaho with you.” I heard him say.

The tears started to fall one into the other, I put Gaho down and bashed my fist into the door. “Jiyong! Please don’t do this. Stop doing this to yourself please!”

Jiyong didn’t answer me. “Stop this!” I began bashing the door with my fist, wishing I could see through his room. I knew Jiyong was still on the door, I felt his weight on the door as I bashed the door. I took a breath in; if I was angry I knew he wouldn’t open the door. I tried to relax myself.

“Kwon Jiyong.” I said it was the voice I used when I was scared. I was more afraid that he would hurt himself, that I wouldn’t see him anymore. I was scared that I was going to lose my best friend, my brother.

Seung Hyun was right if I didn’t love him I wouldn’t be this way. I loved Jiyong and it killed me that I hurt him. Why him?

“Please…” my voice choked and I hit my fists into the door again, bashing the door. “I’m so sorry baby. I’m sorry for lying to you. I’m sorry that I hurt you. Jiyong…”

“Babe…leave him be.”

Seung Hyun wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me away from the door. I was crying harder now, then I saw the door move Jiyong’s weight had left the door.

 I bared my face in Seung Hyun chest. All these years I have been selfish and stupid.

“You’ll talk to him again, just not now. Let’s just go home babe.”

I pulled away from him and grabbed Gaho. I tuned to look at Jiyong’s room one more time; I wish it didn’t have to be this way.