The first thing I did when SeungRi came in was slap him.

“Lee Seunghyun, you are such an !” I yelled.

I would have slapped him again but he’d learned from earlier and wouldn’t let me get close enough to hit him. Chasing him and cursing was making me angrier. Why wouldn’t he just let me kill him and get it over with?

“You think I do this because I like it?” I asked, pointing to the scars on my wrists and thighs. “I can’t control that . It just happens, especially when I’m hurt.”

“So you blame me for cutting yourself? I went out one time. I don’t even know that girl’s name. Why are you so mad?”

I froze, knowing it would catch him off guard. Very slowly I turned to face him. “You know what happened the other night. How could you do that to me and not even care?” I asked quietly.

He mumbled something while rubbing the back of his head. The left side of his face was bright red from the earlier slap and I really wanted to hit him again and make the other side match. I was staring at him, letting my anger build and he still wouldn’t say anything.

“I bet you thought I was funny,” I said bitterly. Tears of anger and frustration were starting to build up in my eyes and I blinked furiously to get rid of them. “You laughed at me, didn’t you? I was just some stupid girl who didn’t know any better than to fall for you so you decided to see how far it would go. Who else knew?” I asked. “Who else knew I was in love with you and let you play with me!? I’m just some big joke to you, aren’t I? I hate you Lee Seunghyun. I really hate you right now.”

I hadn’t meant to break down and cry but before I knew it was on my knees with my face buried in my hands. Deep, soul wrenching sobs were coming from my chest and I was pretty sure I was going to die from lack of oxygen. I heard footsteps and I didn’t even bother watching SeungRi walk away from me. Why do that to myself?

Blindly I reached under my bed for the razor I kept there. I searched and searched, panic starting to build on top of everything when it took longer than it should have to find it. I took the metal out of its case and stared at it. A little relief…all I need is a little relief. I stared at my legs through my tear-blurred vision, finding a spot to add to my scar collection. Localization of pain…just a couple cuts here and all the pain in my heart will lessen.

Something about watching my own blood rise and ooze from my flesh made me take in a deep breath. There was an inherent sensuality to it that made me want more. Soon enough there was a criss-cross of bleeding cuts on the inside of my right thigh. I was staring at the pooled blood when I heard someone come in my room. I turned quickly to see Youngbae there.

There was something comforting about Youngbae. He didn’t say much, but when he did speak it was worth listening to. He knew how I felt about SeungRi and while he didn’t discourage my feelings, he let it known that he thought I should be careful. Youngbae was the one I could always turn to, without fail. Still, I hated for him to see me like this, bleeding and crying over a very close friend of his.

“What are you doing?” he asked sharply. There was no way for me to pretend that he couldn’t see the crimson stain on my skin.

“N-nothing. Just recovering,” I said. I knew that he’d heard me and SeungRi arguing.

“That doesn’t look like recovering.” As he advanced across the room I put the razor back in its case and slid it underneath my mattress. It wouldn’t do for him to see the weapon on top of the wound.

“It’s an alternative form of recovery,” I said, trying to be witty. The look in Youngbae’s eyes told me that he didn’t appreciate my humor.

“How many times have I told you that he isn’t worth stressing yourself over?” he asked me. He picked up a towel that had manifested sometime while I was chasing SeungRi around my room and brought it to where I was sitting, pressing it into my self-inflicted wound. “How long have you been doing this?”

“A few years now,” I answered honestly. “It’s been years since the last time, but that damn panda boy knows how to pull a reaction from me.”

Youngbae didn’t say anything as he continued to nurse my wound. After picking through my half-destroyed room he found a bottle of peroxide and I knew what was coming. I didn’t fight him as he babied me.

“You shouldn’t let him do this to you.”

“I shouldn’t have had with him either, but I’m not really good at doing things I’m not supposed to do.”

An exasperated sigh let Youngbae’s lips. “Why?”

“I love him…or at least, I thought I did.”

“And now?”

“Well, you’re the one who’s always been there for me.”

“I just hate to see you hurt,” Youngbae said. “You mean a lot to me.”

“Enough to help me stop this madness…for real?”

“What do you mean?” he asked me.

“I mean, you’re the one for me Youngbae. You’ve always been there for me, giving me advice, cheering me up, just being my friend. Everything I could ever want, you are. Youngbae, could you help me get better?”

“Please don’t be using me to get back at SeungRi. I don’t think I could handle that.”

Very carefully I pressed my lips to his.

“No Youngbae, this has nothing to do with him and everything to do with us. I need you. You’re the only one who can help me right now.”