I loved him.

It was hard not to. There were so many good things about him. He was smart. And funny. He could dance like nobody’s business and I loved hearing him sing. Not to mention the fact that he was more than a little cute. I don’t think he knows how I look at him, let how I feel about him. I’m okay with it though. There’s no use in ruining a friendship over messy feelings.

I can’t help myself sometimes. It’s hard not to keep from staring as I watch him practice. It always takes a moment for me to realize what I’m doing and snap back to reality. I yearn for him. I cherish every moment we have together, no matter how minor. Some would call me obsessive. I don’t see it that way though. I have to keep the memories-they’re the only things that keep me sane at night.

He caught me one day. I hadn’t meant to stare this time. I was actually thinking about something else, but I’d ended up in a daydream about him and I was only pulled out of it by him snapping his fingers in front of my eyes. I came back to and blushed, realizing how close he was to me.

“You alright there?” he asked.

“I’m fine,” I answered. “Just spacing out.”

“You’re cute when you do that,” he says, walking away. I hate when he says stuff like that. It makes heat pool in the bottom of my stomach.

Things changed that night. I was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling. It was one of those nights when my memories just weren’t enough and I was working out my fantasies. The scenes of the two of us flashed beneath my closed eyelids and my breathing started to come in short pants. I was trying to figure out how far I wanted this little session to go when I was disturbed by a knock on the door.

I sat up and called for whoever it was to come in, my fantastical haze blurring my vision. I blinked a couple times, seeing him in my doorway. “Yes?” I asked.

Silently he walked across my room. The air went out of my chest in a huff as he pushed me backwards onto the bed and kissed me. I responded immediately and he pushed off me. I looked at him questioningly and he just smirked.

“This is what you wanted, right?” he asked, flicking his tongue into the shell of my ear. “You wanted me. You’ve wanted me for a while now. It’s okay. I’m going to give you what you want.”

There was nothing to say really. He was right and if he was going to give into me, then I would lose myself in him completely. I wanted him more than anything and I was finally getting him. I kept my words to myself as he dominated me. I wanted to cry out and tell him how much I loved him, but my mind was going blank from his touch and I gave up on trying to think or express or anything but give in to him.

When I woke up the next morning, I wasn’t able to convince myself that it had just all been a dream. The strain in my thighs and the tenderness of my neck told a story of their own, and as I stood in the shower my knees went weak replaying the night before. The night where my love was solidified. The night when everything changed.

The day went by as usual. Neither of us made mention of the night before. If anything, we were avoiding each other. I still yearned for him. I wanted nothing more than to go to him and wrap my arms around him, but I knew that was impossible. This wasn’t the right time or the right place. I could wait a little longer to tell him how I felt.

That time never came.

We went out that night. How I got dragged out, I have no idea, but I was there in the club with this ridiculously short dress on surrounded by smoke that smelled like more than just cigarettes with some kind of drink in my hand. I was dizzy from heat and alcohol and the liquid courage had me feeling great. I searched for SeungRi, trying to locate him in the mass of bodies and dense heat.

I found him, and I didn’t want to believe it was him, but as I stared at the curve of his neck as he feasted on some groupie’s pulse point and his hand, the hand that had so lovingly caressed me the night before, slipped underneath her skirt I could feel myself growing hot then cold. He looked up, maybe feeling my gaze, and we locked eyes for a moment. I felt my breath catch in my throat and he went back to the girl like nothing had happened.

I ran.

I don’t know where I was going or who I was trying to find but I had to get away. The image of him and that girl burned its way into skull and no amount of tears could wipe the sight away from my vision. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t want to believe it. He didn’t care about me. He just wanted what he could get and I gave it to him. I was unbelievably stupid to believe he loved me too. He was just like the others. A predator. A monster. Something lower than human to play with my emotions like that. I hated him in that moment.

But I still loved him and I hated myself for it.