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“I gave up~”

Flashback

It was only this semester I met you~ I feel attracted towards you immediately. I had always known that I was gay. I come to term to accept it though I had never told anyone about it. I am scared of their reaction. I was super afraid. But it doesn’t stop me from falling in love. To tell you the truth, I had fallen in love with a few guys a long the way as I grow from a small boy to a freshman I am now in Seoul University.

I accepted the facts that I will always be in unrequited love but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt any less. Actually, the first two boys was merely a crush but I can safely say that one boy that I met during the final year of my high school had made me fallen in love with him hard. It was hard because we were not close, friends yes, just knowing each other name basically but we had never talked. But as I pray along so that we can get closer and sinfully prayed that maybe God with make him like me back. I knew it was futile because God despise this forbidden love between two boys.

Fortunately I get to know the boy better and slowly, I fall out of love maybe because he has a girlfriend already and when I get to know him better, I found out that I am not really fond of his personality. But that doesn’t stop me from crying sometimes wondering if I am able to love and be loved by a someone.

Then, I moved on, I had a lot of crushes when I see hot boys but I had never fallen in love again with anyone until that is, I met you, Lee Donghae.

Lee DOnghae, I was surprised why I had never seen you in the first two semesters but only on the final one of our first year. You were friends with my former classmate, Shindong. I saw you and at first I was attracted to you just like my usual crush. I shrug it off but I don’t know what cruel fate I had been destined to, I see you a lot more, in café, hallways and such. I am sure the attraction I felt towards you is getting stronger and I am getting afraid. I am afraid that I will fall in love with you and I am afraid that I will have to get through the angst of the feelings being in unrequited love all over again. Falling in love I can accept, in fact I embrace it because it is such a good and pure feeling but the heartache it brings, I am not fond of.

I observe and studied you for about two weeks and I make sure I will always be with Shindong because that means, the probability of bumping into you is higher. That’s how creepy I am if I am struck by love. At least I don’t stalk you. I will only look at you from a far if I met you coincidentally and with such luck, I will always bump onto you in the past two weeks after I realized my feelings. One day, after one fateful twist of fate, we finally talked even for such short brief moment because Shindong, which I am grateful too, invite both of us with some other friends for lunch. You ask me about the test we had the other day. I am known to be quite good in my studies. Being the carefree and friendly guy I am-that what people say about me and they love me because I am outgoing and I made friends easily- I decided to use that excuse to follow you in twitter and you followed me back! You even tweet on one of my picture. We had quite a chat and that leads us to adding each other on the hotmail messenger.

After that, we chat a lot and I found out that you are quite a talker and very friendly. I was surprised because you had always had that cold aura around you and the first impression about you that is you are quite arrogant and of course antisocial. I found out that, you are actually shy and barely talks with stranger. Then I guess I was grateful to myself that I had made the first move. Look how close we got?

After that, it was blissful. You were kind; in fact you were very kind to me. You replied to all my tweets, and you put up to me with my constant chat. WE chat a lot and get to know each other. We even give each other nicknames. Unfortunately, in university, at first we are still awkward and shy since we had never talked face to face except that short conversation during lunch the other day but after time, we get closer and closer to the point that we can tease and smack each other. People are starting to wonder how we got closer since we never had class together and we just meet this semester. The total time we talked and know each other is barely 2 months. The reason is because we had been talking to each other so much in our hotmail that it is like a must routine every night. We will even send each other a tweet or email if we missed each other on hotmail because sometimes we have our own schedules right?

I feel love for the first time? Why? Simply because other boys that I have crush or that one boy that I loved before never really pay attention to me. I understand because, why would a boy, go and give most of their attention to another boy. It is unusually because usually they do it with girls. Boys with other boys can get close too, yes, but it usually takes a lot of years to achieve that closeness since usually best friends act like that but here we only knew each other for barely two month.

It gave me a bit of hope that maybe, maybe you are gay too? Or maybe if not, you just happen to like me as well? It was bliss two month period for me. We hang out sometimes and I feel even more special when you invited me to your house. You told me you never invited anyone else because you don’t want people to know where you live. I know why because your house is ing amazing! It is not a mansion but it is big in its own way and it is very nice looking. That gave me another hope that maybe, maybe you liked me back.

Then I feel like my short bubble of happiness, is burst when we talked about your past relationship. You told me that, you once had a girl that means everything to you. You even opened up to me how upset you were when she broke up with you. Then all of my hope vanished just knowing that you are not gay after all.

Then I make myself feel better by thinking, I had few exes before for cover up though I don’t play with their feelings, I really liked them but not as far as really loving them? Does that make me bi? I Don’t know. Maybe donghae is just pretending that he loves his ex like what I did when I had one? Or maybe having a girlfriend before doesn’t mean anything? Maybe people can change? He is single right now? And he barely talks about a girl? And he is spending most of his time, replying and entertaining me, that is clearly a boy.

I know I was screwed when I feel like the whole world is ending when you only forgot to reply my chat for two days and damn it, it is not a big deal. I knew I was screwed because I knew I had fallen for you hard. I had fallen for your charms, your surprisingly friendly nature despite your cold aura, your looks but most of all your childishness and of course the way you treat me. I am a boy and you treat me like it is normal for two boys to constantly tweeting and chatting with each other all day long, asking about each other update. Like a couple should be doing, it gave me hope but I guess I should blame it to myself for hoping too much.

Most of all I knew I was even more screwed when I realized that, I was the one initiating all the tweet, chats and outing. You were merely the one that replies to it. I had a feeling that maybe you are just being kind and if anybody would do what I do to you, boy or girl, it would be the same as well. I tried to ignore those stupid feelings and just enjoyed your company but it is eating me up slowly.

The theory seems to be proven slowly each time. I found out that, you hardly say no to anyone that invites you to an outing. Then, I know that you reply to most of people’s chat and tweets when I come to your house and see your opened messenger and twitter profile. You also told some of your friends actually know about your house, but seeing it in a positive way; you told SHindong and Siwon only. The two friends you know before me? It calms me a bit and when you said that I was the one that comes the most being the two only came once or twice?

I try to make myself feel better by convincing myself, despite knowing him in a short amount of time; I am closer to him than those two? But I feel maybe, just maybe because I was the one that force myself into his life and maybe he is just too kind to reject me and maybe he just like my company as a friend since he quite a loner sometimes but not as much as I like and yearn for his company.

Then, after our semester finished, you gotten super busy. Well, you are always out with your other friends and I feel that, maybe just maybe, he treat all people the same. He is a kind boy after all. He is just sweet and childish boy that I had fallen in love with. I had a hard time to ask you out and I deliberately try to be angry at you and I hope that maybe, you will apologize or begged for my attention back when I ignore you? But nope, you didn’t. I feel that my heart is slowly breaking and my hope for us to be together is diminishing in a rapid speed. I put my pride away for the nth time for you and ask or rather force/whine that you bring me out as a punishment. You agreed immediately and a small spark of hope appears again though it is very small and I know that it will vanish anytime soon.

You have gotten busy and after spending time more with you, I realized that, maybe I was delusional and maybe you do not treat me any special. Maybe just a bit special because I was the one that force myself into your life but definitely not the special way that couples do. I decided to try and not reply to your tweets and chat for two days. I was trying to see whether you will notice our lack of routine and hoping that you for the first time will initiate our conversation. Too my despair, you never did. I feel like my heart was going to be ripped apart slowly. The fact that I was delusional is getting clearer and clearer.

That is when I decided to give up. Give up on this delusional unrequited love. I will not put my heart on stake any longer. It is just too painful and too heartbreaking. What I want is just for you to love me back, hold me in your arms and let me cuddle with you. I just want to be that special someone in your eyes. Be your everything just like what you say to me your ex girlfriend was too you. I just wanted some love but it doesn’t mean I blame you for not being gay, for not liking a boy and for not getting involved in this forbidden sinful love. I am to blame and I will always blame myself for not being like anyone else, normal.

I looked at you entering your house after I send you back. We had our final outing and though again you give me a tiny spark of hope again by eagerly agreeing to spend time with me and submit to everything I planned today. You even invited me to have dinner with you brother, DOnghwa. I feel honored that I was given the chance to know one of your family members and I manage to be close with your brother just overnight. Proves how loveable I am? Maybe I am just loveable, maybe that’s why you love my company, as a friend.

I looked at you waving at me with your adorable grin that I learn to love so much and you slowly entered your house. You failed to notice my tears falling out of my eyes. I love you Lee Donghae and I hope you will find a new close friend to annoy you like I did though you always insist that I never annoy you. How sweet. I hope you will find your happiness and you will find that girl that you will truly love just like how I truly loved you. How I wish you knew that it was our last time together.

I decided to move to Australia for remaining years in university. I didn’t tell you nor do I tell anyone that I will be going except my family members though. I didn’t initiate any of our routine conversation after our final outing and I here I was still hoping that you will at least initiate one, just one short conversation in this one week time before I go off. Maybe you can change my mind because you can always do it to me but unfortunately it was just a wishful thinking. You never did initiate anything. I knew you were just being sweet and kind to a pathetic boy like me, I wonder what do you even think about me? maybe you are disgusted by me? Who knows? I even pray to God but I know God hates and will not approve to my prayers because it is forbidden for two boys to love each other.I accept my fate and decided to move on.

End of flashback

“I gave up on you donghae”

I wish you all the happiness and I hope you and all of our friends will forgive me for just sending a short tweet about my sudden departure just moment before I board the plane. I just don’t want our friends to be upset and ask so many questions and then persuade me from not leaving because I am just too nice to say no to them, my dear friends that I love so much too. But most of all, I don’t want you to know afraid, you will just have to say word, to me and I will come back crawling to your side, being a stupid fool for loving you and being in a unrequited love even though I know you clearly see me as only a close friend.

The simple two words maybe just a merely a ‘Don’t go’ or ‘Just stay’ and I will drop everything and follow your words like an obedient puppy. That shows how much I love you and just a stupid words coming out from you can affect me tremendously.

“Goodbye Donghae, Goodbye, Hae~my love” that was the last word I whispered to myself before the plan boards and leave Korea.

Unconsciously, tears feel down my cheek and I decided not to wipe it because I wanted to cry for him just one more time, one single last time before I moved on completely. I will let time dry the tears up just like I will let time to heal my wound in my heart~


A/N:1>SoRRY FOR THE LAME FIC~ AS PROMISE~ I UPDATE IS AS SOON AS POSSIBLE~


2. HOW WAS IT? IT IS ANGSTY ENOUGH? SORRY IF IT IS LAME OK? I AM IN A MOOD FOR ANGSTY? I BET PEOPLE WILL ASK FOR SEQUEL LATER? :p WHICH I DON’T MIND DOING IT IN THE FUTURE, MAYBE~

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