I reached out a hand on the other side of the bed, feeling it empty as it had been for fifteen days now.

I choked out a sob.

I just want to die now.

Kill me now.

The pictures on the wall caught my attention.

It was Kai’s. He was the one who made the picture collage on the wall, filling it with pictures he loved; pictures of us.

I removed myself from the bed, and then walked in front of it. 

My eyes drifted towards a certain picture, softly touching it.

It was of me and Kai riding the boat on the lake. I was in front of him, leaning on his chest, and sitting between his legs. His arm wrapped around me, and him kissing me on the cheek.

I remember when he took that picture. It was just days after we got married. He had difficulty trying to find the best angle since he had been unwilling to strain his arm outside the boat for fear of dropping his hard-earned camera.

It was one of his favourites.

I never figured him having an artistic flair before we got married. It’s a given that Kai loved to dance, he did since he was a kid. But then photography and arts is something that he grew quite fond of as time passed by.

I remember talking to him once about it. We had a normal conversation that led to a nonsense playful fight. It was that time when he just placed the first batch of pictures on the wall. It was night time and we were both lying on the bed.

“What happened with ‘dancing is the only interest I’ll have’?” I turned to face him on his side, giving him a wink and cheeky grin.

He rolled his eyes at me.

“If dancing is my wife, photography is a feisty mistress I couldn’t let go of now.” He stopped.

Shaking his head, he added slowly in a mock serious expression, “I couldn’t help it. It delivers exquisitely well.”

“Wow. So you’re saying you’re a cheater? Mmmm. Kim Jong In who has cheating tendencies.” I and tutted.

He weakly flicked my forehead.

“Yah. Are you crazy? That would be different. I wouldn’t do that to you.”

“Yah! Oww! And now you’re hurting me. I’m a battered wife who’s being cheated on.” I rubbed my forehead while making crying noises, and then turned away from him, making him face my back. “Oh! The woes! The woes of a woman having his loved one shared with another woman!”

“Aish.” He went closer to me and spooned me.

I just ignored him and continued fake crying.

“Aigoo. I guess we’ll have to do this.” He then started tickling me. Damn, he knows my weakness! I’m ticklish all over.

I laughed and violently tried taking his hands off me….. to no avail. This guy is so strong. He even moved his body to get a better aim. My eyes are tearing up now.

“I- (laugh) - I’m so- (laugh) rry.” I managed to say and the tickling soon subsided.

“Do you surrender now?” Kai asked me and I nodded while laughing.

He heaved out a sigh. “You’re silly.” He then lied back down to bed.

I faced him. “So you don’t love me now?” I pouted.

He looked at me tiredly and then slipped his arms under my body to pull me on top of him.

“I will always love you, Hyun Ae, you’re my happiness.” He placed his nose on top of mine, caressing my nose with his while smiling.

New batch of tears flowed from me after remembering that. I am pathetic. I cry whenever I think of him. I couldn’t stop thinking of him. What the heck do I do now?

I slowly returned to bed, curling up into a ball.

I snuggled underneath the comforter, willing myself to fall into dreamland when the door to my room slammed open.

There was an audible sigh and then I heard footsteps heading towards me.

I don’t have to worry.

There is only one person who would disrespect my space when I needed it.

Am I so confined in my own world that I didn’t hear his car engine? Not hear him coming?

“Get up.” He pulled the comforter off of me. I just ignored him.

“I said get up.” His voice getting dangerously low and yet I couldn’t care less about him.

Fed up from being ignored, he surprised me by picking me up bridal style. This got me mad. An emotion I didn’t feel for days now. I squirmed in his arms trying to break free from him.

“Kris! Take me down! Yah! How dare you?! Take me down!”

I deliberately did not call him ‘oppa’ for him to know how displeased I am. 

He was able to keep holding onto me despite my protests, he’s strong and I’m weaker than normal. He ignored me and continued walking towards the bathroom. He placed me inside the shower stall.

“Take a shower or I’ll bathe you myself.”

Panting hard, I just stood there as if I’m not hearing anything.

“Don’t you doubt that I won’t do it because I can and I will. I’m giving you ten minutes.” He said, anger evident in his low tone.

He left the room and closed the door after him.

I released a long breath to release some steam.

How dare him?! Who gave him the right to order me around? To act as if nothing happened?!

I’m so mad that I released a frustrated scream, banged on the shower tiles of the wall.

I forced myself to calm down then. I know that I would not win against him. He would make me follow whatever he wanted me to do. Another time, I would’ve appreciated him. But he’s being imposing on me right now. I just want to be alone!

I rid myself of Kai’s shirt, boxer shorts, and my undergarments; leaving them outside the stall. I closed the door and let myself relax under the shower.

I cleared my mind of any thoughts and just focused on what I’m doing.

Just as I finished wrapping the towel on me, I heard Kris knock on the door.

“I’ll be putting on some clothes now. I appreciate it if you would leave the room.” I told him.

“I will be in the kitchen. Come down after you’re done.”

There was a sound of the bedroom door shutting, signifying his retreat.

I went towards Kai’s closet. Took a shirt and headed to my own space to get the rest.

As I finished dressing up, I decided not to anger Kris any more than I do now and went down.

I saw him preparing the dining table.

“I bought chinese take-out. Sit. I’m reheating the food. It’ll only take a while.” He said as he saw me approach him.

I looked blankly at the table.

He got the food from the microwave and placed it on the dining table.

He noticed me just standing and staring. He sent me a glare and said, “Are we seriously going to do this?” He pulled a chair motioning for me to sit on it.

I sighed and humoured him.

He pulled the food closer to me, handed me the bowl and placed the chopsticks in my hand.

I forced myself to eat.

All the while I kept a blank look.

Kris just watched me while I eat.

After a while, I looked at him, holding his stare.

He appears to be firm and strict now. I know he’s mad. Who wouldn’t in his situation? Kris had been my best friend for so long now. We knew each other since I was a child. Both of us are the only child in the family that’s why we always turned to each other for anything. He’s almost as if an older brother. And now, at the time I am most vulnerable, I am pushing him away.

He let out a sigh and then opted to look elsewhere.

He’s the one that introduced me to Kai. Looking at him, I suddenly felt ashamed of how I acted, of how I’m acting towards him. I refused to take comfort from anyone. I ignored him. Treated him as if he’s nothing to me. I’ve been so hard to them. But that’s the only way I know. No one could understand the pain I’m going through now. I could only be comforted by myself.

I stood up and placed the empty plate in the sink and then went outside, towards the backyard overlooking the lake.

I went near the water and looked at the beauty of the lake.

Kris followed me and did the same.

We just stood there for a while. Both of us lost in our own thoughts.

After mustering up the courage, I decided it’s time to open up to Kris and let him in. Kris has always been my refuge, my rock. The one whose hands I’ve always held before Kai. Sometimes I even think that he knows me better than I know myself. He’s the only person I could lean on now.

“We fought, Oppa.” I softly said, still looking at the lake.  

“We had this huge argument before he flew God-knows-where.. Not some petty fight.. It’s the biggest fight we had before he--..” I paused to calm myself. I need to let this out.

“These past few months had been rough for us. We’ve been fighting lately because of his job. His job had been demanding lately, you know that. I barely see him anymore. A part of me understands, but I grew weary. Phone calls got scarce, he stood me up on dates, and he seldom come home.” I let out a shaky breath.

“I felt so pitiful whenever he stood me up on dates he arranged himself. I hurt every time that happened. But I could let that pass. I try to be understanding as I could. But what I can’t take is that he couldn’t even put more effort in trying to go home. He always fails to even inform me if he could even go home or not. I feel pathetic staying up until past midnight just to see if he will come. I’m always waiting for him to be back, hoping for him to be home. All I wanted was to spend time with him. But what hurts the most is that even hearing his voice over the phone had begun to be a luxury.” I clenched my fists, feeling my body tremble, still refusing to look at him.

“At that time, I didn’t feel like a wife. I started doubting my significance in his life. It’s unfair to fight over this when we haven’t even been married for a year. I started to think that maybe we shouldn’t have rushed into marriage. I’m happy and proud that he’s doing good, achieving his dreams, his career growing. But I can’t help but feel resentment whenever I’m alone, yearning for him. I feel like he doesn’t even need me anymore. I’ve never felt so lonely.”  Few tears escaped my eyes and wiped them away. I turned to see Kris reaching out for me but I stopped him. “No. Not until I finish.”

He threw me a worried glance but decided to adhere to my plea.

I tried hard not to cry all out. I needed to continue this.

“I let the selfish part of me win. We are—were newlyweds. It isn’t good to have our life style as unhealthy as that at this early stage of our marriage. I got pessimistic and thought that it’ll only get worse. We both said things we know we both would regret saying. We know each other well to know what would hurt us the most.” I choked back a sob.

“We were not in good terms when we last saw each other. He was mad when he left. We had no contact when he was overseas.” Onslaught of tears are coming out now. I held his hands and looked at him.

“And y-you know what? The night he came back to the country, h-he called me. He called me before he had the accident.” I started sobbing.

“I missed it.. I missed the only chance to talk to him again.. The only chance to say I’m sorry.. Lost the chance to tell him how much I love him.  Failed to tell him how I’m willing to take any life may bring us as long as I get to stay beside him, as long as I get to love him.”

Kris pulled me in his arms, and there I let my emotions takeover. My sobs got louder. Tears clouded my vision. I clenched the shirt on his chest and cried until I couldn’t cry anymore. I decided that it is time to feel all the hurt. It’s time to embrace all the regret and sorrow. This is the last time I’m going to be this weak. I’m hitting the bottom so I could work on getting back up now. I will start moving on after this.

Kris held me tighter, nursing my head on his chest, making me feel better than I had been for days..

My tears took time before it subsided.

When it did, we are still in each other’s arms, and he was caressing the back of my head.

Kris decided it was time for him to talk.

“Why didn’t you tell me it was that bad?”

I buried my head in his chest so he couldn’t see my face. I heaved out a sigh. “I couldn’t find it in myself to tell you. You were the one who kept questioning me up to the last minute whether I’m extremely sure of what I’m getting myself into.” I softly said.

After that, we both got silent again. I shifted myself in his arms to find a more comfortable position.

“Hyun Ae, I don’t know what to tell you to make you feel better.. I can say that I understand, on some level, how you must be feeling. But we both know that I have no idea of the real extent of the pain your heart is going through right now; especially when you are burdened with guilt and regret.”

He pulled away from me and held me on my arms.

“It’ll be hard.. Heck, I know that. But at the end, we both know that you have to learn to accept things as they are now. That’s the rule of life. Nothing is permanent in the world but change.”

He placed a palm gently on my cheek.

“I’m not asking you to forget your past, forget about Kai, and live a new life as if he’s just a mere phase in your life. But what I’m asking you is to make a conscious effort to move forward. Don’t dwell too much on ‘what might have been/could have been’ and ‘what ifs’. Remember Kai. Cherish the good memories you have of each other. Remember his love. Use it to urge you to get your life back on track.”

I then felt his hand caressing my cheek.

“We may never know what he wanted to tell you when he called you that night. But one thing that I can be sure of is that Kai loved you very much. I know that kid. He wouldn’t have asked you to marry him if he didn’t. He wouldn’t want to see you ruining your life because of him. He would want you to stop torturing yourself. He would want you to be happy.”