Dara’s POV
From the beginning she always felt as if he was older than her even though she was much older. Maybe it’s because he has a way of making her feel secure and safe. He loved taking care of her and she loved it too but she can’t help but feel guilty. Growing up she always believed that in a relationship you’re suppose to give and take but she feels as if she’s only taking and she feels sorry towards him but since she is a very possessive person she found it hard to let him go. She knows she will cause him a great deal of pain if she does. All she could do is smile and cheer him on.  Because she knows that’s all she could offer.

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Somehow tonight, well let’s just say morning because it’s already 1am, I feel very restless and worried. I know he’s mine but only a few people know that. From the start I’ve always hated the fact that we have to hide our relationship. I want to proudly call him mine and those times when I have to say I’m single and act as if I want a boyfriend so bad kills me because I know that’s a way of denying it, denying him. It hurts too because I know even though he acts like he doesn’t care I know it hurts him deep inside. I know how it feels; it kills when he’s with someone else, when he gets paired with someone on TV. I can’t help but have doubts, what if he falls in love with her? , What if he finds her prettier than I am? , What if one day he gets tired and leaves me? Those questions are always in my head whenever I hear rumours about him with other girls.
I’m being paranoid again but I can’t help it too..
I guess to some extent you get used to being alone.  You get used to not expecting phone calls and having nothing to do at night because he’s not here. You don't expect to turn around to open arms any longer.  The small sounds of him have been replaced by silence.  Your thoughts echo through your head, with no one to share them with.  All in all, being alone isn't terrible, it just hurts like hell. You start being paranoid and thinking about things you shouldn’t be because it will only cause nothing but trouble. I trust him but you never know just what if? I mean he’s young, famous and he’s extremely handsome. He can easily find someone better than me. Somehow I feel as if I don’t deserve him. I’m weak and I feel like I am a nothing but a burden making life hard for him. I know if he was with someone better and stronger he’d be happy to date her publicly. Our situation feels right but somehow it’s wrong too, I feel like I’m deceiving too much people. Sometimes I can’t help but be happy when people on the net link me with him but it causes him to drift away even more. Since people are sensing something between us he has no choice but distant himself. In front of others, we greet each other awkwardly. But when we turn around, I’m the one that knows him best. Nobody knows just how much I want him every day and every time I hold him behind the stage, my heart bursts. Loving behind the backs of other, the fact that he’s really mine. It makes me crazier day by day; this is how much I want him.
I forced myself to push the worries away for now because if I want to see him tomorrow and talk to him I have to be strong. I don’t know how it will turn out; it can either make us or break us. I don’t how long I can take it. I want him to be happy, I know he will hurt for quite a while but soon enough he will get over it and find someone else. I know he’s going to hate me if I break it off and I am willing to accept that as long as it will make life easier for him. I will take all the responsibility. Yet all of those consequences I’d rather bear. Than the misery, the torturous strain. Of knowing that sometime, somewhere. My own sweet love has endured pain. Suddenly I felt tears fall down my cheeks. Just the thought of it kills me. I can just imagine his face once it happens. “Oh Seunghyun-ah, I love you so much but it’s hard so hard. I’m tired of restraining and holding back. Maybe one day, In another life I can proudly call you mine” I said as buried my face in the pillow, letting all my tears flow. Just like any other nights when I long for him, I cried myself to sleep again.

****************

My alarm clock rang so loudly that it snapped me out of that torturous dream. In the dream he’s so close to yet he feels like he’s miles away. I could feel him drifting away. So I guess that’s how it would feel to lose him. I turned off my alarm clock because my members are still sleeping. It’s only 4 which means I only slept for 3 hours. I got up form my bed and walked in the closet to pick what I would wear. Since it’s really early and it’s a bit chilly outside I wore something simple, I chose to wear a light blue skinny jeans, white tee with a leather jacket over it and black boots. I warmed up the water and quickly got in the shower. The hot water against my skin was very relaxing. I still don’t know what to do or say but I want to make it clear and express my feelings. When I finished washing up I blow dried my hair and brushed it. I chose tie it up in a high pony tail. I fixed my face and dabbed make up very lightly. I wanted to look as natural as I can. I prepared my bag and quickly put on my sunglasses. I grabbed my phone from my bed and placed it in my handbag. It’s only 4:30 am. I stepped out of my room and saw Bom near the kitchen counter eating her way through a french bread.
“Are you guys meeting up?” She asked while she took a sip from her cup of coffee.
“Ah, yea we are..” I replied.
“Is something wrong? Do I need to bash Seunghyun? Did you guys fight again?” She asked with worry in her voice.
“Anio, it’s not like that Bommie.. It’s my fault. I’m so confused. Should I just break it off? I’m tired of hiding and I feel like I don’t deserve him. I’m only making life hard for him aren’t I? If he was with someone strong, beautiful and confident like you then he would be confident to date in public.” I explained.

“Yah, don’t drag me in this. He’s like a little brother to me and you are strong! I don’t know anyone who can take this for 7 years well apart from Seven and Han Byullie. I admire how strong you guys are and how you can cope with all of it. It must be hard being away from each other and not being able to hold each other openly. If I was in your position I wouldn’t have lasted a week. You should think before doing anything. He loves you so much and I know for a fact that you love him as much too. If you this up I swear Dara, I’m gonna kill you. Don’t ruin it for both of you. Listen to me you will only hurt him. Just think and calm down. Why not talk to Byullie about this. I’m sure she’s had one of those moments. There isn’t really anything I can do to help because I’ve never been in this position.  But please don’t rush it.” She  yelled and she was panting as she finished talking.
“I’m being too paranoid. I guess you’re right.. I will talk to Byul. I already agreed to see him though. I might as well tell him how I feel but don’t worry I’ll say in a calm manner. He’ll understand.” I replied.
“Arraso, aigoo pabo! Don’t make rational decisions because of trivial reasons. Calm down and snap out of it. Trust me there ain’t any perfect relationship and I’m sure in this business you guys are not the only ones with this kind of situation. I mean everyone has a skeleton in their closet. Everyone has a secret. We never know what happens behind closed doors. So cheer up okay? She said softly.

“Gomawo Bommie-ah, I love you so much. Thank you for staying with me through this. I don’t know what I could have done without you. Thank you, thank you and thank you so much!!!” I said as I clung my arms around her.

“It’s nothing Dara-ah, I would help you anytime. Remember you’re my sister and no one is allowed to bully you but me kekeke. So cheer up alright? It will get better.” She said as she patted my head while hugging me.
 
“I will cheer up now, Gomawo. I will treat you for a big meal I promise!” I exclaimed.

“Omo Omo!!! Chinja!? A big meal? That sounds great! you’re the best.” She asked excitedly, she’s always like this when it comes to food; she gets so excited that the serious Bommie disappears and becomes very childish.

“Yes I promise, we’ll go to an expensive restaurant.” I answered.

“Saranghae Dara-ah!!” She said as she ate the last bit of her French bread.

“I love you more Bommie-ah!! I have to get going it’s already 4:40. I’ll see you later.” I hugged her tightly.

“Alright, be careful of what you say and don’t forget what I told you. Bommie will punch you if you ruin it. Just have fun with him and don’t forget my big meal!! Fighting Dara-ah!!” She said as she waved goodbye to me.

I’m really glad I talked to Bom. She helped me clear my mind and push away the doubts. I guess I just needed to talk to someone about it and pour out my emotions because I realized I was rushing it and it’s not a decision that will make any of us happy. I drove to our favourite restaurant feeling happy and excited to see him. My fear just suddenly disappeared, maybe I only missed him. It was just my insecurities.
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When I got there I saw him patiently waiting and looking at his phone, must be trying to text me. This place is a very special place since I was a trainee we would always meet up here since he couldn’t really be seen with me at all. The owner and staff of this restaurant knows about our relationship but they promised not to tell anyone. I’m glad that Seunghyun’s dad is close friends with the owner. When he saw me his face lit up and he greeted me with a warm smile. Here we are, the two of us together taking this crazy chance to be all alone we both know that we should not be together 'Cause if they found out, it could mess up Both our happy homes.

“I missed you baby.” He said.
 I didn’t bother answering. I quickly moved closer to him and hugged him tightly. After quite a while of hugging.  I gathered my thoughts and decided to bring up the topic.

“Seunghyun-ah, we need to talk about our future.” I said trying to sound as calm as I could.

“What do you mean?” he asked sounding quite confused.

“I mean, what do you plan? When is this secret going to end? Will it ever end?” I said.

“Yeah, of course but right now isn’t really the right time but one day I promise you we will confidently express our love to each other in front of others. I just don’t want to hurt you because I would rather die than see you get hurt.” He replied.

“I really hope so; I want to call you mine in front of the fans. I hope they would understand.” I said.
 “I really do too, trust me. I want it as much as you do if not even more. But remember this I may not be able to show you off but deep in my heart there’s only you. Please don’t have any doubts and the rumours they’re nothing. I’m always going to come to you. That’s just how it is.” He said softly. We were both silent for a moment just enjoying each other’s company. Then Seunghyun said, “I know you’ve been worrying and it’s hurting you I can see it in your eyes but please learn to trust my words and my actions.”

“I really really do, it’s not about not trusting you it’s about me feeling as if I don’t deserve you.”

“Do you know that I feel the same way. Especially when your fan boys are lurking over you. What if one day you just get tired of me and leave?” He said.
Hearing this from him gave me a wakeup call maybe I’ve been a little selfish and I didn’t consider his point of view..

“I’m sorry, it’s my fault. I promise I will talk to you when I feel this way.”
 

“No, we both made mistakes here. It’s because this month had been very busy. I’m sorry too.” He said as he gently kissed my forehead.

“I love you so much Seunghyun-ah. Don’t ever change alright?”

“I love you more and don’t worry I would only change if you want me to.”

We had so much fun talking and catching up with each other. It was even more fun since we ate our favourite foods. Spending time with him like this made me realize how lucky I am to have him. We were having so much fun that time seemed to fly. I felt sad when we finally had to say goodbye. He gave me sweet kiss on the lips before leaving. We never left at the same time since can’t have people see us leave the same place at the same time or they would start rumours.

*********

When I got home, I changed my clothes and sat on my bed reminiscing the time we spent together. The worries are still there but I can’t help that can I? I sat on my bed listening to soft and calming music. I decided to call Byul because I need some advice.

“Byullie-ah, are you busy?”

“Anio, not at all. What’s up?”  

“I’ve been having doubts about our relationship and I’m getting tired of hiding it. I need a few advice.”

“Aigoo, that’s hard. Alright but you know it would be better if we meet up in person so I can comfort you and plus I haven’t seen you in a while.”

“Alright that sounds good. I’ll see you tonight at about 8, that’s if you’re alright with it because I have rehearsals till 7:30 today.”

“That’s alright Dara-ah, you know what I’ll just pick you up and we can go to a restaurant or something.”

“Awesome, I’ll see you then and is it alright if I take Bommie? I promised to treat her to a big meal.”

“Of course, the more the merrier and you have more people to talk to. In that way you get different points of view.”

“ Arraso Byul-ah, I love you and I’ll see you tonight.”

“Alright, love you more. See you tonight.”

“Okay bye bye.”I said as I cut the call.

I can’t wait to see Byul and talk about this. It’s still bothering me despite talking to him. I guess my insecurity is too strong. I wonder what will happen next. Will this ever end?

[a/n i was supposed to end it here but then again.... I didn't want them to break up just like that.]

sorry if there's any mistakes here. I didn't check it and only worked on this in one day.