It was around October 2010. The news about Jonghyun having a girlfriend was spreading like a nuclear radiation. I was shocked at first, oh well, who didn’t? I thought Jonghyun was gay and suddenly that news came out. But I was actually relieved, that mean Jonghyun didn’t actually love Kibum and I was the one who won the battle :D
I felt like I was the winner of the self-proclaimed love war and I was planning to confess my feeling to Kibum. I thought about that a lot but I couldn’t seem to decide it. I was in a huge dilemma.. 
Just when I wanted to ask an opinion to Jinwoon and revealing my 3 years crush on Kibum, Kibum called me. I was so surprised because he spoke in a low and serious tone, it wasn’t like him at all.

"Dongwoon-ah. Can we meet now?" He wasn’t even saying ‘Hello’, I thought something must be up to him.
"What happen?"
"I want to talk. Now" 
I was scared that he might know about me loving him. Seriously, he talked like an angry person and his answers were really short. And he wanted to speak about something that he didn’t even want to speak on phone. I didn’t want to go, but I am a man, so I should go and finish my problems like a man too.
"Okay. Where?" 
"Usual cafe"
"I'll be there in a few minutes" 
“’kay”And he closed the phone. 
I changed my clothes and stepped out of my dorm. Along the way to the café where we usually met, I was trying to calm my heart down by taking a deep breath and let it go slowly. Just like your mom when she was giving birth to you or your siblings.

When I arrived at the café, I spotted Kibum sitting on the far corner of the café. He wasn’t facing the crowds, I walked towards him and tapped his shoulder. He looked at me and I saw his eyes. He looked like he was .. Crying? I don’t know. Although his eyes weren’t that red, his nose was puffy.
"What happened Kibum?" I sat across him and asked with a concerned face. He didn’t say anything for a minute or so and he was just looking at his fingers on the table
"Don't tell anyone about this" He suddenly said with a low tone and raised his face, it was a really serious face that you will hardly found on Kibum.
"Okay" I said lightly. Based on my experience, when Kibum said ‘don’t tell anyone’ means the next two days I could talk that with Jinwoon or Mir. He wouldn’t be that secretive to us.
"Anyone, not even your members or Mir or Jinwoon or anybody else. Just you" He narrowed his eyes and his tone became heavier.
"O-Okay"
Okay, that’s not normal. I’m really scared that he might talk about my feelings towards him.

He took a deep breath, he kept chewing his lips and I knew that he was uneasy. He didn’t know where to start this conversation, but I kept my mouth shut, waiting for him. Finally few seconds later -but it felt like an hour to me- he opened his mouth, 
"You have heard about J-Jonghyun-hyung news right?"
Jonghyun’s news? I thought he was going to say about me or something more important. I didn’t really care about Jonghyun anyway, 
"Oh, that one he's dat.."
"No”, he cut me quickly, his eyes looked like they were boring holes into mine 
"Huh?"
"The news isn’t true"
Wait.. What did he mean by saying this all to me? Did he try to say that his feelings were affected by that news? Wasn’t that great your friend finally got hooked with his ideal woman? Why Kibum looked like he didn’t accept it all?

"But all news.." He cut me for the second time
"They just made it up. To cover that Jessica's news." 
Kibum’s eyes started to get teary, I could see it. His lips were quivering. I wanted to hug him and told him that it was nothing, he still have me. But what’s the point? It’s so weird saying like that when the other was talking about someone else. It would just making the mood worse.
"SNSD?"
"Who else? Someone got the picture of her making out with some men"
I didn’t know where this conversation was going to end, "Wow"
"I hate it. I hate her" I saw a droplet of tear rolling on his smooth cheek.
"Kibum..?" 
Why did he cry? Did he cry for Jonghyun? Why he waste his precious tears for him? I couldn’t think of any words as he kept crying.
"Why it is must be Jonghyun. Why not the other people? There are still tons of people out there.."
I just listened to him although I felt my heart constricted. I’m hurt hearing him saying things like that. 

"Jjong is getting quieter and he won't talk that much. I'm really worried.. He changed. Even in our own dorm he looks like another person"
"Why don't you try to talk to him?"
‘Don’t talk to him. You’re hurting yourself’ 
"I tried, a lot of times. But he just seem to have a lot of excuse to avoid me"
"Maybe he don't want to make you burdened with his problems" 
‘Why you getting involved in his problem? He’s not worth it’ 
"That means he doesn't trust me? I share everything to him.."
‘He doesn’t need your trust. You should trust me more than him’ 
But how could I say that if he’s crying? He would hate me for the rest of his live.
"He must has his own reason, Bum.."

Although I said things like that, what I said was hurting me. I wanted to console him, but consoling him with this problem equals hurting myself. But as long as he wasn’t crying I thought it’s okay for me to be hurt. 
“In dorm, he only stays in his room, he won’t come out unless it was lunch or dinner. I also saw him crying last night, but when I approached him, he said he's alright and went to bed. How can I'm not worried?"
"You can ask Onew to help you too, right? He's the leader"
"Jonghyun won't talk to him. He never tells his personal problems to anyone beside me. I am scared that I will.. Lose him.." His voice was almost inaudible in the last two words, but I could hear it and it made my heart felt the massive pain. 
‘He’s the one that’s stupid for leaving you. You’re not going to lose anything if he’s gone’
"Anything you want me to help?"
I don’t know what to say anymore, the best thing I could do for him at that time was helping him with my shoulder.
"I just want someone I can talk to.."
"I'll be here.." I smiled.
"Thanks" He showed a small smile to me. At least I could make him smile and I was proud of it. Although I felt my heart could burst any moment from the pain, I smiled in front of him. That’s how much I could show that I love him. 

~

You know it yourself, Jonghyun had his ankle injury and he didn’t appear much on TV, just rarely on the special occasion. I still often got Kibum’s call about Jonghyun. When Jonghyun was still on the hospital , Kibum said he usually went to hospital to take care of him but when Jonghyun had permitted to go home and rest by the doctor, he chose to go to his own house and not back to their dorm. 

I still remember Kibum cried and bawled to me for almost 2 hours because he thought Jonghyun didn’t want to be taken care by him. He said all stuff about Jonghyun hating him and he was fed up with all of his nag or Jonghyun was mad at him because he was overworking to take care of him that he didn’t even care about his own self (which is the most ridiculous sentence that came out from Kibum’s mouth) or Jonghyun got sick at him and he didn’t want to see him and many funny things he said about Jonghyun and surprisingly two days later I got a call from him saying his problem with Jonghyun had been solved. Confused? Me too.

If he didn’t tell me the whole story, I would believe the story I heard from Jinwoon, who got the story from Jokwon who got from Junho who got that from Minho. And the story I got from Jinwoon was so different than the original version. And when I recall the story from Jinwoon, I wanted to laugh out so loud. 

Actually, it was the company’s order to make Jonghyun stay in his own house with his family. The news about him having a girlfriend sure made a chaos and the company wouldn’t take a risk on keeping Jonghyun at the dorm that was full of fans who wanted to see him or I don’t know.. So the company decided to send Jonghyun home so he could rest well and recover faster.

When he said he had forgive Jonghyun (actually forgive wasn’t the best word, but that’s how Kibum said to me), I decided I should confess to him ASAP! If not then Jonghyun would. If Jonghyun confessed to him then I would be a dead meat -,- So, when my manager hyung told me that I would attend the Idol Sport Day, I was sure that was the right time! I would confess to Kibum at that event!

~

When the Idol Sport day was being held again, Jonghyun was still on his resting time and it is impossible he can participate in this competition, and I almost died from happiness thinking I would have Kibum for myself. The day before, I couldn’t sleep properly thinking what method I should use to confess for the next day.

I entered the venue with confidence, but when my eyes spotted him, my smile faded slowly. He was with Taemin, laughing happily as Taemin fed him chips.

Okay, Taemin huh? I know his relationship with Taemin is just like a mom and son. He said that to me himself. Taemin is really cute, I admit that. But feeding? Kibum was 20 years old! He could eat by himself :<

I walked to them and called Kibum, he turned around and smiled at me cutely, Taemin also greeted me politely. After that, Kibum told me to sit with him so I compiled, and after I sat down with them, Taemin didn’t feed him anymore hahaha  

Not long after that, Mir and Jinwoon came to join us. We played and talked like what we -the 91 liners- usually did. But throughout those moments, Kibum never let go of Taemin. He kept asking about Taemin this or Taemin that. When I talked to him, he would ask to Taemin to join, they were also holding hands for God knew how much times and how long. 

Why there are so many s? 

When it was after the break time, I decided ‘this is the time.’ I picked a pink towel which I had prepared from my bag. I made it the night before especially for Kibum, it had a ‘Kim Kibum, saranghaeyo’ and a chibi version of himself on it.

Oh yeah, finally it’s the time. Took a deep breath, Dongwoon. Great. Now let it go.. Great. 
"Key.." I called him from behind and when he turned around, I knelt in front of him as I held the towel that I prepared.
"I love you Kim Kibum" I said. My heart was beating at the maximum speed, maybe I could make a generator. Waiting for his response felt like a million years, I saw he put his hands on his face, acting all shy.
At the corner of my eye, I saw Taemin gasped and covered his mouth with his hands.

This is the critical moment, my heart was beating faster if it could, Kibum walked closer towards me, his hands still covering his face,
"Ahahaha... You're really cute, Dongwoon-ah" He took the towel from my hand and pulled me to stand up, he had a big smirk plastered on his face
“Kibum?” Did he accept my feelings? :DDDD
He smiled as he opened the towel, “Awww.. This is so cute.. Where did you get this towel? From my fanclub?”
Heh? Did he think I wasn’t serious?
“Waaaw.. This picture is really cute.. I know I am that cute” He giggled as he observed the towel
W-Wait, did he thought I was playing with him? This wasn’t it. I was telling the truth!
“Kibum it’s..” I hadn’t even finished my sentence because he suddenly grabbed my arm and dragged me, saying “It’s Minho’s turn. Let’s watch!”
He didn’t realize that I really meant it. I really love him and I wanted him. But as he pulled my hand, I couldn’t say anything, I didn’t want to ruin the atmosphere by saying the truth like this, besides I didn’t know if he would believe me.

My attempt on confessing to him was a total failure. That day after I got home, I was sulking until the day after.

~

Few months passed just like that. I didn’t have any courage to confess my feelings to Kibum again. My love was still one-sided, my love life was still miserable. Oh Son Dongwoon, when will this one sided love ends? You’re so pity..

On February, Chansung hyung from 2pm was celebrating his birthday and I was invited to his party. Like what men do, I grabbed a drink as soon as I got into the party. I drank some beers with Doojoon hyung and Junhyung hyung. And when we were chatting, some people were coming to the party, and they were from SHINee! Oh man, how could I don’t know that SHINee was invited too?

Actually, it’s only Kibum, Onew hyung and Minho who were coming, they said Taemin should sleep early because he got a final test on the next day, and Jonghyun was still resting. Chansung hyung welcomed them as Kibum gave him a present. I was standing not too far from them so when Kibum turned his head, he saw me and he gave me a smile, then I walked to them.

"Jonghyun still couldn't come?" I heard Chansung hyung asked that to them
"Yeah. He’s still resting" Kibum answered with a disappointed tone.
"Ooh, such a pity. I was hoping he could come with you today.."
"Yeah.. But his health is more important" 

"That's great then!" I found myself said that.
Oh ! I didn’t mean to say that!! I swear! ! I was drinking beers before this so I’m pretty sure that it was the one that made me like this.
"What?!" Kibum frowned
"Ah.. No" I laughed awkwardly, trying to conceal my mistake.
"What did you say? Great that Jonghyun hyung couldn't come?" Kibum’s voice raised one level and I knew I was in a big trouble. It wasn’t my intention to say that, it just slipped out of my mouth
"Kibum.. Please don't.." Onew hyung was trying to stop Kibum from flaring up, but I knew, once Kibum got mad, all of your effort on stopping him wouldn’t have an effect at all.
He grabbed my wrist, said "Sorry, hyung" to Onew and he dragged me to the outside of the place where there were no people nearby.

"What do you mean?" He put his hand on his hip, I could tell from his face that he was getting mad.
"Nothing. I was just.."
"You said something bad to Jonghyun hyung" He looked at me with a serious face, his feline eyes was staring deeply into mine.
‘I knew that I said something bad. That was because of the alcohol that made me light-headed and that words accidentally came out from my mouth’ but there was no way I said that to Kibum. So I chose to slowly lead him to talk about Jonghyun and his feelings. I didn’t know whether this was the right time or not, but after all years keeping my love to Kibum and hatred to Jonghyun hidden, maybe I should try to talk to him. 
"And why are you angry because of it?"
"Because he is my best friend! I don't like anyone talk badly of him behind his back!"
"You love him. So that you could say something like that" Oh well, I said that, the biggest secret I tried to hide from everyone else.
"What?" He was shocked -of course- his eyes widen.
"If someone talks badly behind my back, will you defend me? No, right?" I tried to look away from his gaze, he was staring at me intensely.
"What are you talking about actually?" 
"I don't like Jonghyun. Enough?"
"Why? He never did anything wrong to you" I knew that he was offended by the things I said. This is the scariest moment in my 20 years of life, blurting out my secret right in front of the person who was being involved in it.
"Not directly. But he hurts me this whole time"
"You're not making any sense, Dongwoon! He's a nice gu.."

"I love you, okay" I shouted before he finished his sentence. The words that were so hard for me to say finally left my mouth. I finally said that to Kibum, the only guy that was in my heart.
“Eh?" 
"I love you. I don't like he acted all close to you. I don't like the fact that he.. Loves you too" My voice was softening, I was really scared to say the last words. We didn’t say anything maybe for a minute, he was staring at me while I was avoiding his gaze. 

Kibum was the one that broke the silence, "Dongwoon, it's..." 
He left his sentence hanging, so I decided to tell my feelings for him this whole time, the feelings that I kept for so long. "I love you even before you become Key, I love you ever since we met five years ago, I love you even.."
But he cut me, "But you said... You don't see me more than your best friend.."
"What? When did I say that?" Huh? How could I say that? And where did Kibum get that? This didn’t make sense. I didn’t immediately reply him, I was thinking. Thinking about what Kibum had just said.
"When Jonghyun hyung asked you ages ago.." 
"It's..." And reality hit me hard. I remember I said that to Jonghyun. I didn't think it meant this way. I didn't think he would say that to Kibum and of course I didn’t think Kibum still remember that.
"I'm the one who asked Jonghyun-hyung to ask that to you... He's just helping me. And I thought you would say something about it, but when Jonghyun-hyung said that you just see me as your bestfriend, I..." 
"Kibum..."

"I loved you too.."

"Loved?" I smiled bitterly. From what he said earlier, I knew that he didn’t love me but deep down inside my heart, I still felt happy because Kibum said that he loved me too. Even though it still hurt me, I felt a bit of happiness.
"How can you never give a hint or something like that?"
"Hint? I did! A lot of times! But you were always with him every time we met!"
"Why you never told me that you love me? I mean, it's simple right?"
"I... How can I tell him I love you? I always see him as my rival. You're so close with him and.."
"I never think about something like that. He's my closest friend since before I was debuted"
"But I love you before you even debuted.. How do you think I feel when I saw you with him the whole time?" Yeah, I wanted to let him knew what I felt back then. 
"He's just like a big brother to me. I never had a brother before, and he always takes care of me so well, so I'm really happy if he's near me. But you.. I used to love you"
"Used to?" I repeated.

"Since you said that to Jonghyun hyung, I gave up on loving you. What's the point of loving you when you only saw me as your best friend?"
I stared deeply into his eyes which were looking at me, and I saw a bit of tears on his eyes. Maybe he knew that, so he wiped the tears off in the corner of his eyes.
"Kibum..." 
I was confused, why was he crying? Did he cry for me? And what about my feelings to him? So all of my hatred to Jonghyun this whole time was stupid because he didn’t actually love Kibum? And Kibum had loved me, why I couldn’t see that?
"It's okay. We're still best friend, right?" He smiled, his usual smile was back on his face.
"But I... I want you.."
"I can't, Dongwoon. My feelings for you had gone, I don't want to give you false hope. It's just hurting you.. I'm sorry.."
I took a deep breath and bit my lips. I couldn’t answer him. This was so hard, when I finally could say everything to Kibum, he didn’t feel the same way as I did. I was disappointed, but I want his happiness too.

“Let’s back to the party. I think Onew hyung is worrying about you..” I just said that to Kibum, he nodded a little and walked in front of me.
I could see that he occasionally turned his head around to see whether I was still following him or not, and his eyes reflected worries and concern. Maybe he felt bad after rejecting me, but I knew he could do nothing.

~

Yeah.. That is my story. After the rejection of my 5-year crush, I never actually think about love. I never feel attracted to any person at all. Maybe I’m just traumatic or being paranoid, but Kibum’s rejection had a big impact on my live. But being an Idol means you should cover your feelings well, so you will never see it in front of the camera. 

And to be honest, I told Jinwoon and Mir about Kibum. They were shocked, especially Jinwoon. We met few days after that rejection –four of us- and I told about that to them, Kibum said it was okay too to tell them, he also wanted to hear what kind of 5 year I went through. Although I don’t have him as a lover, I’m still happy he isn’t disgusted at me and still sees me as his best friend.

I still have some feelings for Kibum to be honest. I couldn’t forget him that easily after years of loving him but now Son Dongwoon doesn’t love Kim Kibum like the way I did before anymore. But we’re still best friends. I believe this is the right path for both of us.

aaaand that's it ;) please leave a comment below if you have any request(?) or anything you want to say to me :) hahahaha

and anyone who subscribed this story since i posted the first part thank you so much {} and everyone who read this story too :D