You are seventeen years old, and Chanyeol is eighteen. It is an utter miracle that the both of you have ended up in the same SM training program. You’re quite aware that Chanyeol is many times more talented than you are, but you find yourself content merely being able to see him grow and succeed. And you hope for success yourself in the future. You still don’t feel as though you are fully in love with Chanyeol yet. After he stomped on your confession a few years ago, you thought it would go away. Instead, you only wanted to help him some more, which confused you. Perhaps it was exactly what your silly crush on him needed in order to mature more.

You’re fairly happy in the SM training program. For the most part, you are well-received by the other girl and boy trainees. You have friends, many acquaintances, and for the most part, the training is not too hard. You had hoped, when you first entered the program that this time with Chanyeol would help the two of you grow closer. Having known him since you were a baby, you thought that by now you would know all there is to know about your childhood friend. But somewhere in your early youth, you must have done something wrong, something that made him want to grow distant from you. You were hoping that perhaps while training together, you could mend that chasm.

But things turn out differently than you had expected. Just like in high school, Chanyeol is welcomed by the other boys and girls, embraced even. Girls begin forming crushes on him left and right, and he’s not afraid to indulge them, treating them to breakfast, lunch, or dinner. He hangs out with the other trainees, goes to lunch with them, on a near daily basis. He invites the girls, too. But he never invites you. Mostly, he treats you the same neglect that one would associate with a stray dog or a stranger. And this saddens you because you’ve known him the longest.

But one day, your luck seems to change. Today, the trainers are teaching partner dance. Most important thing to think about when partner dancing is coordinating, figuring out who leads and who follows. The choreographers call out a list of partners, and by some of fate, you’ve been paired up with Chanyeol. You glance at him from across the room, trying to desperately to hide the smile on your face. But Chanyeol’s expression remains ever as it is. If he is affected by your partnership, he chooses not to show it.

The trainers instruct each of you to form some kind of bond with your partner in order to induce coordination. You walk up to Chanyeol cautiously remembering the disaster from middle school. You weren’t quite sure how he felt now as opposed to then, but judging from his usual behavior, you don’t hope too high.

“Hello,” you say cheerfully and Chanyeol finally faces you, a bored expression on his face. “Well, the choreographers want us to… bond or whatever.”

“Yeah,” Chanyeol says, swallowing a lump in his throat again. “But since we already know each other do you mind if we skip this part of the project? I’m kind of tired, I want to rest up at the dorms.”

You form an “o” shape with your mouth. “Oh,” you say. “Umm, you’re right. We have known each other for quite a while. If… if you’re really feeling tired, then I guess it should be okay.”

“Yeah,” Chanyeol says, gathering his sweater and standing up. He bows to you, as he is expected to, and walks out the door without another word. You are disappointed at not being able to have the quality time that you craved with Chanyeol, but perhaps he needed some alone time, and you didn’t want to deprive him of that. Instead, you take advantage of your free time by going up to your own dorm for a much needed nap. But once you lay in bed, there is too much excitement in the air. Your stomach fills up with butterflies again. Tomorrow will be good, you promise yourself as you close your eyes and drift off to sleep.

The next day, the trainees gather together again for the partner dance. You spot Chanyeol toward the center of the room and restraint yourself from skipping right over to him. He looks better rested, and you smile. You begin talking about trivial things, like the new American film that was just released and the most recent kpop news and gossip. He pretends to be listening but is looking around, looking for someone, it seems. He suddenly interrupts you.

“Didn’t you hear?” he asks.

“Hear about what?” you ask.

“The choreographers switched the partners around,” he answers. “You’re with Jongin, now.” You widen your eyes at him at first before turning around to look for Jongin who seems to be conversing with his current partner. But Chanyeol makes eye-contact with him and Jongin nods. His partner begins walking towards you and Chanyeol.

“Oh,” you say sadly. “I… I guess so.” Chanyeol nows and bows and you return the gesture before going over and walking toward Jongin. When you look back at Chanyeol, he seems much more comfortable with his new partner. Jongin smiles and is polite and nice to you for the most part, and when the partner dance training begins, you can safely say that he is a much better dancer than Chanyeol, as well. But still… it doesn’t feel right to you. Your heart hurts again.

“You’re good,” Jongin says and you smile and blush and say thank you. He laughs at your awkwardness. “I mean it,” he says.

“Thanks,” you answer back.

“A lot better than what Chanyeol says,” Jongin states. “Not sure why he wanted to trade partners, you’re not that bad.”

You stop moving and Jongin stops dancing as well. “Trade?” you ask, and Jongin bites his lip, knowing that he’s said something he wasn’t supposed to. When Chanyeol rejected your gift when you were thirteen, your heart had merely sunk. Now, it was almost completely shattered. You had hoped for Chanyeol for so long, gave him so much of your heart, set your sights on him. Why are you so blind? Why don’t you see that he doesn’t like you? Why don’t you see that he’s merely burdened by you? Chanyeol, whom you had only wanted to help, you were slowing him down. Why couldn’t your idiotic mind wrap itself around that fact.

“You okay?” Jongin asks after explaining the situation to you. You nod and force yourself to smile and continue dancing anyway. But once the session is done, you immediately excuse yourself. You walk towards the exit door with tears threatening to spill again, and in the nick of time Chanyeol walks in through the door you were going to exit.

He stands there and stares at you for a second and looks as though he is going to say something. But once he sees you, he doesn’t know what he wants to say. You look up at him, remembering the boy you once thought he was. Chanyeol, the little toddler you stole kisses from when you were four. Chanyeol who played tag with you as a little nine-year-old girl. Chanyeol who almost looked just as heartbroken as you did on that fateful Valentine’s day. You don’t know who he is anymore, you realize, and you push past him, finally fed up. This time, there is no Sojung to comfort you, no parents to slap his hands, and he doesn’t cry at the sight of your tears, he doesn’t even feel sorry.

This time, you feel utterly alone.