A/N: A failed attempt at trying to write artistically. This story is rated A for ANGSTY. ORZ. Next one will be fluffy, I promise!

    Suho can't really remember his real name. It's been years since he's changed it, a mindless decision amidst a stupid night of underage drinking, and after that, he hadn't really thought to keep it in his mind. That was back when he had been outright self-destructive, living for the thrill of it all. Things had changed now. He worked at a prim white-collar job, lived in a prim white-colored apartment, and woke up every morning to prim whitewashed walls. Some people would call him a success case, someone who had risen up from the bottom of the rungs and made it to the top. But in reality, Suho was still as self-destructive as he was back then.

    Because even back then, Suho had a problem. A very large one. He can only love other people.

    "I'll need those documents on my desk by tomorrow morning," Zhou Mi says, passing by Suho's desk and dropping off a new batch of files.

    Suho smiles like he always does and nods.

    As Zhou Mi walks away, Suho's officemate, a doe-eyed boy named Kyungsoo, looks up from the papers he's flipping through and offers hesitantly, "If you want…I could stay behind and help you with those."

    "That's a very nice offer," Suho murmurs, and he can't deny that he thinks about accepting it for a minute, "but there's no need. I'll be done with them tonight."

    Kyungsoo's eyes widen in shock. "That many papers?" he asks, and Suho nods soothingly.

    "It's nothing that I can't handle. You just go home with that handsome secretary like you always do."

    The flush that paints Kyungsoo's face brings a more genuine smile to Suho's lips as, just on time, the handsome secretary appears.

    "Sorry I'm late, Kyungsoo-yah, but Kris kept me longer than usual, and—" The tan-skinned male stops short as he notices Suho's gaze. "You must be Joonmyeon-ssi."

    "Suho," Suho corrects almost automatically. It's weird to hear his name spoken so familiar when he himself hasn't spoken it for over five years.

    "Joonmyeon-ssi," the man persists.

    "Joonmyeon-hyung, this is Jongin," introduces Kyungsoo, patting Jongin's hand as the other man moves to perch on the edge of Kyungsoo's desk.

    Suho doesn't bother to correct the name again. If they hadn't learned from the first time he said it, they wouldn't learn now. He spares Jongin the customary polite introduction before turning back to his papers. The two other men don't leave however, instead Jongin pulls up a seat next to Kyungsoo and the two of them begin to whisper.

    "I'm not going to do that," Kyungsoo hisses. Jongin barks out a soft laugh, and then Kyungsoo is picking up a bulky manilla folder from the table and hitting Jongin repeatedly on the shoulders with it.

    "Do you want to go out to dinner tonight?" Jongin asks between Kyungsoo's angry hits. It takes Suho a moment to realize that the question is directed to him. Kyungsoo's face is an interesting shade of pink when he accepts. He doesn't know exactly why he accepts but the way Jongin grabs the manilla folder from Kyungsoo's hand and pecks a kiss on the other man's cheek makes him glad that he did.

    "So then Chanyeol comes in with this huge swordfish, and Kyungsoo is basically screaming his head off, but then—"

    "Sorry about this," Kyungsoo apologizes as Jongin continues to ramble on in the background. "He can be a handful sometimes."

    Suho doesn't doubt it, considering that Jongin has been rambling on for around close to an hour now. He'd lost track of where the conversation was going after someone named Baekhyun had come into the picture with a hand-powered flashlight.

    "Why don't you tell me about yourself," Kyungsoo suggests, and Suho's hand stills on the can of beer he's holding. Probably a bad decision seeing that he has to go home tonight. Ah well, he can just catch a cab.

    "Nothing special," Suho shrugs. "Just a normal white-collar worker in a normal world. Nothing much."

    "There must be something," persists Kyungsoo.

    Suho stares at the beer can in front of him and squeezes so hard that the flimsy aluminum actually crumples a bit. "Absolutely nothing," he replies. The amber liquid spills out and flows over his hand even as Kyungsoo exclaims something that Suho doesn't quite hear and begins to dab at his hand with a napkin.

    Jongin is silent now, and Suho catches his eye as he looks away from Kyungsoo's frantic attempts to stop the white tablecloth from staining.

    "That's not true."

    "What?" Suho asks, confused as to what Jongin is referring to.

    A smirk comes onto Jongin's face while Kyungsoo hurriedly waves over a waiter to bring a new can of beer for Suho. "You're very special. You just don't know it yet."

    Suho is left speechless as Kyungsoo presses the new can of beer into his hand, glances around, and asks, "What did I miss out on?".

    "I can't love myself," Suho confesses when Jongin presses a wad of cash into the taxi driver's open hand and drags a heavily inebriated Kyungsoo into the backseat onto his lap.

    Kyungsoo stirs in Jongin's lap and wiggles to a more comfortable position. His head ends up resting on Jongin's thighs while his ankles hooked easily over Suho's knees.

    Jongin makes a noncommittal sound, and Suho notices how his hands brush through Kyungsoo's hair and tangle up in his short bangs. He feels an inexplicable need to continue on because he knows Jongin will listen.

    "When I look at myself in the mirror, I don't see Joonmyeon"—the name seems strange on his lips, but Jongin locks gazes with him, so he continues—"I see Suho, but Suho is just like a mask. When you ask me about what I think about myself, I quite literally think nothing. It's like staring at an empty spot, seeing your existence as a black hole in the universe."

    Jongin's fingers move down to trace Kyungsoo's cheekbones, and he hums quietly.

    "I can only love other people," continues Suho, feeling a weight lifting off his chest as the words continue to spill out. "I've had girlfriends and boyfriends before, but they've all broken up with me after they figured it out…you know…the fact that I can't love myself. It's not like I show it outwardly; it seems like I just give off a vibe that makes people uncomfortable when they stay around me too long. This is why I don't have any friends at work."

    There's a moment of silence, and then…"That's not true."

    Lithe fingers jump from Kyungsoo's cheekbones to Suho's clammy hands. "Do you know what Kyungsoo tells me?" Suho shakes his head mutely. "Kyungsoo tells me that you're the only one at work, and this I quote, that isn't a 'hypocritical, self-obsessed jerk.' Kyungsoo tells me that you were the first person at work to greet him and the first to strike up small talk at the water cooler. He tells me that you were the first person to volunteer to take over some of his workload when he was almost suffocating under paperwork."

    At this moment, Kyungsoo mutters something under his breath and turns to bury his face into Jongin's stomach. Jongin looks down at the older male, and Suho catches his breath because the other man's gaze is steady, unwavering.

    "You really love him, don't you?" he wonders.

    "Before he even knew to love himself," murmurs Jongin, and then the taxi is pulling up to Jongin and Kyungsoo's apartment.

    "See you tomorrow." Then Jongin is gone, slinging Kyungsoo's arm around his shoulder as the two of them made their way shakily up the stairs to the apartment complex.

    Suho is silent as the taxi pulls away, and apartment complexes melt into the tall steel buildings of downtown Seoul.

    "If it were me," the overly smiley taxi driver from the front comments, "I would call that man back tomorrow. He seems to be genuinely interested in you."

    Suho doesn't reply because he's too busy turning over Jongin's words in his mind.

     He really doesn't mean to kiss Jongin, but the second time they go out, it's not to some proper fancy restaurant but to a gritty bar where Suho's pressed collar brings about gazes from the unsavory characters nursing self-induced hangovers at seven o'clock in the evening.

    Suho hasn't been to this kind of place since his younger years, but he slips into the routine easily enough. It isn't until the fluorescent lights on the ceiling become stars when he decides to kiss the younger man. At that moment, he isn't thinking about Kyungsoo, about himself, only thinking about how Jongin's lips taste.

    Jongin laughs after they kiss, and Suho can't deny the flush of anger that rushes through his body and makes him uncharacteristically aggressive as he reaches for the other man's arm.

    "You're a really good kisser," says Jongin breathlessly before Suho's hand can even reach him.

    Suho blinks. Nobody had ever told him that before, not anyone who he had kissed before…not that any of them really mattered before this.

    "Let's go." And then Jongin is tugging on his hand.

    They kiss in the back of the taxi cab, and then Jongin pulls away once it reaches his apartment.

    "I'll see you tomorrow night," Jongin whispers and then leaves.

    Suho nurses his guilt over a large bottle of water and aspirin the next morning. It doesn't help that every single second Kyungsoo flutters around him, asking him if he needs any work done or another special glass of tea blend the other man had made himself.

    "Suho, I don't seem to have the files that were supposed to be in yesterday."

    Suho looks up to meet the disappointed gaze of his boss and mumbles an apology before searching through the piles of papers on his desk to find the paper-clipped mess.

    "The deal is already over," Zhou Mi says, and there's a certain resignation in his voice. The tall man leans over toward Suho so that Kyungsoo is blocked from his vision and speaks in a low whisper. "There have been several complaints about your attitude at work lately. Now, I like you,"—Suho represses a snort here because he honestly believes Zhou Mi is just too polite to not like anybody—"but there are certain limits in this company. Your monthly evaluation is coming up in a few weeks."

    "I'll try my best, sir," Suho grinds out, and Zhou Mi smiles, so impossibly bright that Suho wants to shield his eyes.

    "I'm glad. There's something about you, Suho." The man leaves humming a happy tune.

    "Joonmyeon-hyung."

    Suho turns expectantly to his officemate, raising an eyebrow in query.

    "Could you teach me how to take care of this particular file?" asks Kyungsoo, eyes wide and pleading.

    Sighing, Suho nods and tries to ignore the way that their knees bump against each other as he rolls up his chair beside Kyungsoo and begins to explain.

    Five encounters with Jongin later, and Suho finds himself in a musty motel room, staring up at a sickly green-colored ceiling. Jongin traces patterns on his arms, and Suho tries to forget about what he's done.

    "Do you smoke?" Jongin asks suddenly, sitting up from the bed and reaching into the motel drawer. There's a packet of cigarettes there, and Suho wonders if Jongin has been in this room long enough to know.

    "No," Suho says, waving away the cigarette that Jongin offers and watching as the younger man awkwardly lights it.

    "Neither do I," wheezes Jongin, hacking smoke into the air. It curls into indistinguishable shapes before being swept away in the warm summer breeze coming from the opened window. "Kyungsoo used to though, and I wonder what it feels like sometimes. Guess now I know."

    Though Suho finds it weird that Jongin is beginning to talk about Kyungsoo now, just after what they're done, he doesn't have the energy to steer the conversation in a different direction.

    "It's not as good as I thought it would be," murmurs Jongin, stubbing out the barely smoked cigarette directly on top of the wooden dresser. Good thing it was a cheap motel or else that would be coming out of their bill.

    "Smoking?"

    "Mm, yeah, smoking." Jongin drags in a huge breath of fresh air and then crawls back to Suho's side.

    Surprisingly, what comes after is what worse than what happened before. The guilt inside Suho's chest increases as Jongin snuggles into his side as if he had fit there perfectly before.

    Suho doesn't make it a habit to wear headphones at work to listen to music, but today he's in a particularly bad mood. Jongin has called off their now regular meeting last night, and Kyungsoo is taking up more space of the office than necessary because of a new project up his time.

    A tap on his shoulder makes him slide his headphones off his ears to meet Kyungsoo's steady gaze.

    "Joonmyeon-hyung," he said seriously. "I need to ask you a question."

    Suho blinks and then nods slowly. He hasn't seen Kyungsoo this perturbed before.

    Kyungsoo lowers his eyes and rests his elbow lightly against the edge of the office desk as if trying to give off a more nonchalant feel. "Joonmyeon-hyung, what would you do if you think that your significant other is cheating on you?"

    There's not enough air in the world for Suho to breathe now, and he knows that his expression is probably like a gaping fish right now as he struggles to find an answer. Finally, he croaks out, "I would probably confront your significant other about it."

    Kyungsoo makes a noncommittal sound and turns back to his paperwork, and Suho puts back on his headphones but not even the loud music blaring in his ears can drown out the pounding of his heart.

    There's something different this night, and it's not Jongin. Suho pushes Jongin away after the first few kisses and excuses himself to the dingy bathroom. A few splashes of water on his face later, and he's still as confused as before.

    "Feeling sick?" Jongin calls from the bedroom.

    Sick? Suho thinks, and he's looking in the mirror now. Instead of seeing a black hole like usually, he sees a Suho he's never seen before, a Suho with pale skin and a serene expression but cold eyes, eyes that he would not meet if it were on his knees with a gun to his forehead.

    "Sorry, Jongin," apologizes Suho later that night when everything is done and finished. "I don't think we should see each other anymore."

    Jongin hasn't smoked since the first time they were together, but now his expression turns pensive as he searches for a cigarette again. "Did I ever tell you how I got together with Kyungsoo?" he asks.

    Suho shakes his head, and Jongin plows on then.

    "Senior year of high school. A long time to be together, right? It used to be good, used to be perfect. Then, you know, Kyungsoo met you."

    The shock on Suho's features is plain to see, and Jongin lets out a harsh laugh, too much unlike the soft chuckles he usually lets Suho hear.

    "Have you ever loved somebody so much that you'd give them the world?" whispers Jongin, still holding the unlit cigarette in his hand. "But…then again, you don't even feel anything for yourself, so I doubt it." There's a glint in Jongin's eyes now that Suho doesn't quite like. "Kyungsoo was like you in the beginning, and I fixed him, but I can't fix you."

    The laughter coming from Jongin's lips now is broken by sobs and gasps for air. "Or maybe I'm just an idiot. For risking it all on a person who's unrepairable."

    There's something behind this there, and Suho knows it. "Jongin," he says cautiously, but Jongin simply flicks the unlit cigarette toward Suho, smirking as it hits Suho's forehead.

    "Kyungsoo broke up with me, and it's all your fault."

    Suho feels like he's falling into an abyss.

    And he can't climb out no matter what, he decides as Kyungsoo yet again studiously avoids his eyes.

    "Kyungsoo, would you be willing to write an evaluation for Suho this month?"

    Kyungsoo's eyes flicker uncertainly from Suho to Zhou Mi before he nods silently, taking the manilla folder from Zhou Mi's hands. There was absolutely no way that Suho was keeping this job now, not with what he had done to Kyungsoo, not when Jongin no longer came to their office, not when Kyungsoo came into work with teary red eyes each day.

    At the end of the day, Suho is about to leave when he notices a plain manilla folder with a green sticky note lying on the top of the files on his desk. He picks it up and nearly drops it when he sees the message is from Kyungsoo.

    Here's a copy of the monthly evaluation I'm going to send to Zhou Mi. I think you at least have a right to see. ~ D.O

    Suho flips open to the first page and blinks when he sees all of his ratings are 10/10. He closes the folder and then opens it again, but the ratings are the same. Then, he reads the reasonings behind each of them.

    Joonmyeon may act mean sometimes, but I believe all of his actions have good intentions. Yet, even as I'm writing this, I know you must be wondering how he warrants all these stellar ratings. Good intentions don't always mean the best results, but I truly believe that Joonmyeon is something special and that once he realizes it, these ratings will stick true for a lifetime. I'm willing to stake my job on this as long as you give Joonmyeon another chance. He doesn't deserve to be on the probation list after all he's been through.

    Kyungsoo doesn't show up at work the next day…or the next…or the day after that.

    "You look like ," Jongin says bluntly when Suho knocks on his door after the fifth consecutive day of an absent Kyungsoo at work.

    "And you look like crap," Suho replies rather mildly, pushing past the slender man into the now abandoned apartment. "And so does this apartment…"

    "Kyungsoo took all of his things with him when he left." Jongin rubs the bridge of his nose tiredly and motions Suho to sit down on the ragged blue couch  in the middle of the otherwise empty living room. "Why are you here?"

    "Because of what you said. That night. I think you were wrong."

    Jongin arcs an eyebrow at this and plops down on the sofa beside Suho. "And what was I wrong about?"

    "About the part where I couldn't feel anything for myself," says Suho seriously. "Because I can…I feel something."

    There's interest in Jongin's eyes, so Suho continues.

    "I detest myself now."

    There's silence for a while, and then Jongin breaks it by drumming his fingers on the table. "You know, there's a fine line between love and hate."

    "What are you saying?"

    Jongin rolls his eyes and leans forward, resting his elbows lightly against Suho's knees. "I'm saying that this is the first step to solving your problem."

    "Are you sure this will work?" Suho asks for the fiftieth time as Jongin tightens the tie around his neck. It feels like a noose, and he's only glad that Jongin's fingers are trembling a little and don't leave it too tightly wound.

    Jongin's smile is tired and doesn't quite reach his eyes, but it's a smile nonetheless. "Yes," he says. "I know Kyungsoo."

    Suho's grip on the roses tighten, and then he's shoved out of the car up to Kyungsoo's minimal house. He remembers the conversation Jongin and he had before this.

    "Why don't you and Kyungsoo live in a house if he owns one?"

    "Because he wants to live with me in my apartment."

    "Why isn't Kyungsoo at work lately?"

    "Because he doesn't want to. He's always been good at avoiding what he doesn't want to do."

    "How do you know this is going to work?"

    Jongin pauses here and then rests his hand on Suho's shoulder. "I told you before, and I'll tell you once again. There's something about you."

    "Coming."

    Suho freezes as footsteps approach the door and then the door opens so that he's staring at Kyungsoo's wide eyes.  

    "I brought you flowers!"

    Kyungsoo takes the roses and then glances to the black Audi that's waiting for Suho. "Is Jongin here?" he asks quietly.

    Suho doesn't know what to reply, so he just nods, and then Kyungsoo slams the door in his face. Jongin offers him a weak smile in the car, and all seems lost. Then Suho stares out of the car window and notices Kyungsoo watching them leave. Maybe there was some hope in this situation after all.

    Kyungsoo is back at works the next day, and the flowers are sitting on a vase at his desk. Suho wants to speak, but he can't, so he settles for drowning himself in files. Zhou Mi stops by during the day to give him a congratulatory pat on the back and tell him that he's eligible for a possible promotion. Suho finds it funny that just the other day he was on the probation list and now he was probably going to get a promotion.

    The end of the day comes faster than he expects, and there is still no Jongin waiting for Kyungsoo at his desk. Kyungsoo packs up quietly.

    "Joonmyeon-hyung," asks Kyungsoo just as Suho is about to leave.

    There's a cold chill on the back of his spine, and it makes him feel uncomfortable as Kyungsoo fixes his steady gaze on him.

    "I have a question for you."

    His lips are dry, but he prepares himself to answer as he nods slowly.

    "What would you do if you know you're supposed to be mad over something but you actually aren't? Because you've been hoping for this to happen for a while."

    "I don't understand," Suho croaks out, and then Kyungsoo's lips are on his.

    Kissing Kyungsoo isn't like kissing Jongin, but it still inspires the same burning feeling in Suho's chest. He didn't know that he had it in him to push Kyungsoo away, but he does.

    "Joonmyeon-hyung, you're so good," Kyungsoo says, smiling. "I don't understand why you don't see it in yourself." Kyungsoo places his right palm lightly over the place on Suho's chest where his heart should be.

    Suho takes Kyungsoo's hands off his chest and holds it for a moment before folding it back against Kyungsoo's body. "I think you should talk to Jongin."

    Kyungsoo is silent for a moment before he squeezes Suho's hand which is still attached to his. "You have a good heart, Joonmyeon-hyung. I just wish you'd see it."

    Suho shakes his head but doesn't let go of Kyungsoo's hand. "I think you're wrong."

    "And I think I'm right." Kyungsoo smiles. "Who's to say who's right and wrong between the two of us?"

    "You should go back home." Suho doesn't look at Kyungsoo as he leaves.

    Jongin waits for Kyungsoo again, and Suho falls back into his regular routine of paperwork and writing and then more paperwork and more writing. Still, each day that passes, he only feels his heart growing smaller as Jongin and Kyungsoo begin to fall back into their regular routine.

    Then, one day…"Joonmyeon-hyung, we should go get drinks."

    They all sit around at the bar, each swirling their respective pill of forgetfulness before Jongin finally speaks.

    "How've you been, Joonmyeon?"

    "That's Joonmyeon-hyung to you." He doesn't miss the exchanged glance between Kyungsoo and Jongin before he returns to the scotch on the rocks before him.

    It starts out surprisingly similar to the first time they meet. Jongin rambles on about some other crazy story also involving Baekhyun's assistant, and Kyungsoo murmurs concerned and apologetic whispers. By the end of the night, Kyungsoo is mumbling incoherently against Jongin's neck. Jongin carefully parts Kyungsoo's bangs so that they don't block his vision and lugs his boyfriend up.

    "It's time to go."
    
    Suho slips into the cab, and Kyungsoo once again makes himself comfortable, except this time Suho gets the top half instead of the bottom.

    "Does he always drink so much?"

    "Only when he's feeling sad." Jongin fondly places his hands on the tops of Kyungsoo's knees, and the older male whimpers, turning over to bury his face into Suho's stomach.

    Suho can barely breathe. "How did the two of you get back together?" he finds himself asking and holds his breath as Jongin sighs and shrugs.

    "I can't say no to Kyungsoo."

    "So he asked you then?"

    Jongin snorts and shakes his head. "No, I asked him, but there was a catch."

    "A catch?"

    Jongin nods just as the taxi cab pulls up in front of his and Kyungsoo's apartment complex.

    "Good—" Suho begins, but Jongin's lips on his cut him off.

    "Come home with us," Jongin says, offering out one hand. Kyungsoo burbles happily, smiling against Jongin's shoulder.

    Suho stares at the hand and then at Jongin's face. He's perfectly serious.

    "I'm perfectly serious. Come home with us."

    Joonmyeon stares at the hand and then at Jongin's face. He's perfectly serious. He takes it.