“_____-ah,” I heard Mom call as she knocked on my door.

“Come in, Mom,” I said.

“Look, you need to give your eyes a break. You’ve been in front of the computer for hours already,” she said.

“This is what I do for a living, Mom,” I smiled as I finally stood up to face her.

“Do you need money that much? I could lend you,” she said.

And that was her nagging. “What’s that?” I asked, pointing at the package she was holding.

“Oh. Your school sent this,” she said as she handed me the package.

I immediately opened it and realized it was our yearbook in high school. I didn’t realize we haven’t received it yet until now – after 4 years. “Thanks, Mom,” I said.

“You rest, okay? Turn your laptop off first. I bet it’s tired too,” she nagged before completely leaving my room.

I ran my hands on the smooth hardbound cover of the yearbook before finally opening it. As all of us would do, I immediately went to the page with my face and name. I looked at my smiling picture and I immediately knew something was wrong. My lips were pulled up in a smile, but my eyes were telling otherwise. I know because right now, the reason behind that hidden sadness is still the same reason why I can’t be completely happy right now…

____

It was the 13^th of February. 10pm. I could hear the clock tick loudly… Should I do it or not… Should I do it or not… I kept tossing and turning and tossing and turning. After some battle with my brain, I decided to get up and go to the kitchen.

I prepared something. Good thing I found everything I need right here. Or else I would’ve gone out and buy them myself, no matter how late the hour is.

After some work, I finally finished. I arranged them in a small box and wrapped them up. I stared at the outcome of my work. I never really thought I’d be doing something like this my whole life, but I already did. Now what I just needed was the courage to use this tomorrow.

I was on my way to his classroom. Dongwoon oppa’s. I could hear my heartbeats getting louder and louder as I took every step that brought me nearer to where he was. But as I almost reached his classroom, I could see a queue of girls outside. Don’t tell me…

Then I saw a girl go outside of his classroom… with her chocolates in tow. I knew her as the girl who expressed freely her liking to Son Dongwoon. But she looked dejected when she went out… OMO. Is Dongwoon oppa outwardly rejecting the girls and their chocolates? I immediately wanted to retreat but it was too late. His classmates saw me and they knew what I was planning. With a burning face, I entered the room with my head down. When I looked up slightly to look at Dongwoon oppa, I saw something written on the board: WHOEVER’S CHOCOLATES SON DONGWOON ACCEPTS WILL BE HER GIRLFRIEND.

Oh dear, oh dear. I was surely getting rejected. And I have no back-up plans. What to do…

“Are you going to give him the chocolates?” his friend who looks old asked.

I took a deep breath. My dignity must be preserved. Or at least even a little bit of it. I lifted my head up and looked Dongwoon oppa straight in the eye. “I will give him this if he accepts. If he won’t then I’ll leave now,” I said as I immediately aimed for the exit. Whew.

“I will.”

I froze. Did he just… I turned around and saw everybody was just as shocked as me. “You’re joking, right?” I asked, almost inaudibly.

He just chuckled and like a king going down from his mighty throne, he stood up, went to me and took my chocolates. “Would you believe me now?” he said. I could hear his deep voice loud and clear as his body was just a few feet from me.

I slowly looked at his eyes. There was a hint of amusement in them. But at the same time, I knew he was being sincere. He smiled at me.

And I ran away as fast as I could.

I still don’t understand why I stupidly ran away. Maybe it was too unbelievable but with the sincerity his eyes reflected, I really couldn’t say he was just playing or whatever. And running away was the only way I found. Was it right to run away? He could’ve changed his mind already... Aish!

I was fixing my things, ready to go home. I put my backpack around my shoulders but just one glance on the doorway, I immediately recognized the tall figure standing coolly, his back rested on the door pane. My heart was once again turning into a mess right now. He looked back and saw me looking at him. He smiled at me. As if luring me to go to him. And yes, of course I was lured.

“Hi,” I said.

“Give me your bag,” he said reaching his hand out.

“Eh?” I asked, confused.

“Your bag, give it to me,” he said.

“Why?” I asked.

Instead of asking, he just went behind me and took my bag off me. His hands brushing mine gave me sparks all over my body, I almost jumped.

“Let’s go,” he said as he looked at me.

“Where?” I asked.

He chuckled. “You sure have a lot of questions. I’m going to bring you home,” he smiled.

“Oh…” was the only thing I was able to say.

We were now walking towards my bus stop when I finally had the guts to break the silence between us and ask him about everything. “Were you really not joking?” I asked.

“Do I look like I was?” he asked as he looked at me.

“I don’t really know,” I answered honestly.

I was surprised when he took my hand in his and he held it tightly. “How about now? Do I still look like I’m joking?” he asked.

I could just stare at him in shock. But when I finally recovered, I held his hand too. I could see a smile form on his lips.

We arrived at the bus stop. We waited for the bus for a little while. Then I saw the bus approaching.

“_______-ah,” he called my name.

“Hmm?” I responded as I looked at him.

“I hope you know I’m sincere. That I’m not playing any game. I like you. I’ve been  liking you for a long time now. So when I saw you on the door, you don’t know how happy I was.”

I was there again, caught up in the moment, drowning in his eyes. Son Dongwoon, pouring his heart to me. I just stared at him silently. I really found no appropriate words to counter what he just said.

He smiled his meek smile again. “I’ll call you once I get home. Get on the bus,” he said.

I turned around and realized the bus was waiting for me. I looked at him for the last time and nodded. “Kalkke, oppa,” I said.

He seemed pleased as he heard the last word. He smiled at me even more and waved goodbye. I rode the bus and took a seat on the side where I could still see him. The bus was now leaving but I still saw him waving at me. I waved back. I still couldn’t believe what just happened today. Son Dongwoon… was my lover.

__

“Where are you?” I asked as I waited for him in the entrance of the baseball field.

“I’m running my way there now,” I heard him on the other line, panting.

We were going to watch the inter-school baseball game of our school and another high school.

“Faster, the game’s about to start,” I said. Just as I said that, I saw him approaching already. “What took you so long?” I asked.

“The bus got a little delayed. I’m sorry,” he said while catching up with his breath and wiping his sweat.

I rubbed his back help him even out his breathing.

“Have you arrived here a long while ago?” he asked.

“No, not really. Just a little bit ahead of you,” I answered.

“Really? That’s good. I thought I kept you waiting for a long time,” he answered.

We looked for a seat on our school’s side of the bleachers. Luckily, we found one with a good view. But actually, throughout the game, we were both disinterested. We just kept talking to each other, not noticing the time pass. Well, time really becomes irrelevant whenever I’m with him.

“Let’s grab something to eat first,” I suggested as I felt my stomach complaining.

“Sure,” he said.

We walked towards the canteen in the field. When we got there, it wasn’t really crowded but the baseball players were there and their bigger-than-normal bodies made the place look stuffy. And I didn’t like feeling that way.

“Maybe we could just go and get something to eat somewhere else?”

“Why? You don’t like the food here?”

“No, I just don’t like to go there. It looks so crowded,” I answered.

But as I did, I heard my stomach grumble loudly. And by the way he laughed, I knew he heard it.

“Just wait here then. I’ll get something for you,” he said.

I did what he asked me to. I waited. Suddenly, 3 players went out of the canteen. One of them noticed me… and smiled. He nudged the other 2 with his elbow and I could feel them approaching me.

“Hi,” he said.

I did not respond. Instead, I just looked at Dongwoon oppa and it seems like he just got his turn in the line.

“A little snobbish, aren’t we,” the baseball player said.

I finally decided to acknowledge his presence. “I’m sorry. Do you need anything?”

“Can I get your number?” he asked.

Some guys could just be so shameless. If you’re not Son Dongwoon, you have no right to be shameless. “I’m sorry,” I briefly answered.

“Come on, it’s just a number,” he insisted.

“I’m sorry but I really can’t,” I answered as calmly as I could.

“Give it to us while we’re still asking nicely,” the big one finally spoke up.

I was now feeling scared. These 3 could do well in being thugs. Dongwoon, I need you now… 5… 4… 3… 2…

“_______-ie,” Dongwoon oppa finally called.

And I was finally able to breathe.

“Oppa,” I called back.

Dongwoon took his cap off and put it on me. He swooped in and whispered, “This should be enough to tell them you’re mine.” He stood straight and faced the 3 boys. “Do you still need something?” he asked.

The other boys just retreated.

“It’s good that they backed off without making it hard for me. Or else they would see my means of protecting what’s mine. And they wouldn’t like it,” he said coolly.

“Hey,” I said as I nudged him.

“Wh-” he was cut by his own chuckle. “You’re blushing again. You blush at every little thing.”

“Shut up,” I said.

He just laughed heartily as he held my hand in his.

_______

I cried as I held a little strand of thread in my hands. It was the thread I ripped from the cap. It’s silly how time has passed so quickly yet I feel like I was left behind. He was living well now as an idol that everybody was swooning for. He has changed so much. While here I am, still his. I just don’t think he’s interested in owning me anymore. I slowly surrendered on the floor, curling up, resting my back on the bed. I was crying the same way I cried on that night.

I was sitting there on the riverside waiting for him. No, I wasn’t really waiting for him. I was actually wishing for him not to come. Son Dongwoon, please, don’t come… Please don’t come… I could feel my tears forming.

****************

I was going to meet Dongwoon at his classroom to surprise him for finally being a trainee again. A dream he once gave up on. But I stopped on my tracks as I saw him talking to a man.

“It has to happen, Dongwoon-gun,” I heard the man said.

“But it’s not right. I don’t want to,” Dongwoon answered, his voice told me something was wrong.

“But you have to, Dongwoon. You’ll break up with her sooner or later. Trainee life will get the best of you, you’ll lose time for her,” the man said.

“I can manage,” Dongwoon answered.

“But you really have to. Or you can’t be a trainee,” the man insisted.

“Then I won’t be a trainee! Would you want me to give up the person I have when I had nothing just to be someone people whom I don’t even know would cheer for on concerts? No! I won’t leave her. It was nice talking to you,” he said sternly. This was Dongwoon when he was mad.

I finally heard the door open. It was Dongwoon. I silently followed him with his angry footsteps. He then went to a dark hidden corner. And broke down. He was crying. I watched him painfully as my own tears started to flow.

I found the both of us muffling our cries…

****************

I was now in a situation where I could make or break his dreams. The dreams that mattered to him more than anything. I could cry any moment now. But I can’t.

“_______-ah,” he called.

I looked back and saw him. I could see him and his slightly puffy eyes. And it was a pain to see him like that.

He hugged me tightly as he buried his face in my hair.

“__________-ah,” he weakly called.

I hugged him back as tight as I could. At least for the last time. I was trying my hardest not to cry. I can’t cry… I can’t cry…

He finally broke free from the hug, and I knew the moment was over. Our last magical moment…

He smiled at me and held my hand tightly again.

“Dongwoon… Son Dongwoon,” I called his name. And as if on cue, the fountain went off, with all the beautiful lights.

He watched the fountain while I was staring at our hands. This will be the most beautiful thing I’ll ever have. And going to lose before the night ends.

Before I could change my mind, I removed my hand from his. Instead, I took his hand and put the cap on his palm. He looked at me, puzzled.

“I can’t do this anymore,” I said, praying hard that my voice won’t betray me.

“What… What do you mean?” he asked, clueless.

“Us. I think we need to end it,” I said.

“Why? I don’t understand… You’re joking. You’re joking. Stop this,” he said, obviously not amused.

I wish I was just joking… “I’m serious. I don’t think we can still be together. I’m slowly starting to realize my dreams. And I don’t see you in them,” I lied. It was the biggest lie I ever told.

“Is that so…” he said, as his stare went blank.

“Yes. For everything, thank you,” I squeaked before I finally turned my back.

“WHAT THANK YOU?! I DON’T NEED IT!” I heard him yell.

My tears were no flowing. I can’t face him.

“Do you really have to do this?” he asked in a shaky voice. In that instance, I already knew he was crying.

All I knew was I had to leave right at that moment. Before I change my mind and take him back.

I ran. And ran. Will he come after me again? Will I see him waiting on my door pane again? If I keep on running, will he come after me?...

I found myself standing at the riverside once again. I don’t know what has gotten into me. I know I shouldn’t be here, reliving the most painful memory I have. But my heart yearned to feel the hug. The final hug. I clutched my heart as its unhealed scars start to sting once again.

From my peripheral vision, I saw someone approach. I composed myself, not wanting to catch some attention. But I saw a purple bicycle. And I knew whose it was. I looked back and I was right. He looked as surprised as I was.

“Dongwoon.. Son Dongwoon..” I mumbled.

Then the fireworks went off again. I feel like crying at that moment. It just showed me how magical his name would always be in my life.

He stood beside me. I looked at him. But I didn’t see the same sparkle it once had during that night.

“So how have you been?” he asked in his quiet voice, without looking at me.

I averted my gaze before I couldn’t control myself and touch his face. “I’ve been doing extremely well,” I tried to sound as convincing as I could. “And from the looks of it, you seem to be doing very well, too.” I’m such a fake person.

Silence followed. He doesn’t look interested in my life. And I know I’m not supposed to feel this way but I feel disappointed.

“You’re happy, right? I’m happy, too,” I mumbled.

The fountain stopped. My magical moment is over. Again. “It’s over now. I just waited for the fountain. I’m leaving now. It was nice seeing you again, BEAST’s Son Dongwoon,” I said and finally walked away.

This is me running away again. Will you please run after me? And tell me you still want to put the cap on me? That you have always been waiting for me, just like how I did for you? Dongwoon… Please… Dongwoon… I closed my eyes as I walked. 5… 4… 3… 2…

“__________-ah.”

I immediately stopped. I slowly faced him. He was looking right into my eyes, and I looked back. I saw him sigh.

“Be careful on your way home.”

______________________________________

[A/N] Part 2 will be posted soon. I didn't edit this anymore. My heart is breaking. ;________;