Along with signing the contract I saw that for me having feelings for Jongin is like being in a dead end. I can’t go any further. I can’t go any further with them. I can just go back to the point where they don’t exist.

Before our marriage I learnt how to hid my emotions well. I had no other choice because every time they took over me my dad would painfully reprimand me. For him it was the only way to teach me how to behave, that I have to be obedient, follow every order without saying a single word. After years of crying my eyes out, after another years of suppressing all things inside me, I felt worn out, tired. I thought that I lost all the feelings humans have. I was a lifeless doll, puppet in my parents hands. I didn’t want to behave like this, I didn’t want to became a good actress, having ability to show happy smile, making everyone fall for it, thinking that I’m such a bright and lovely girl, while in fact I felt nothing inside. But Jongin prove me wrong. My feelings never left me, they were just well hidden somewhere deep inside and somehow meeting him woke them up, brought them back to my life. He brought me back to life. He brought hope to my heart. I felt happy like a small child and a little scared. Like when you really badly want to ride a rollercoaster and are so excited about it but at the same time afraid of it. Like a puppy that sees new, unknown stuff so he jumps to it and quickly jumps back. Even if he caused me pain, I still tried. Maybe it was my mistake from the start thinking about Jongin as my savior, who took me out of my misery. Maybe I don’t really have romantic feelings for him nor any kind of feelings but pinning him the savior tag made me feel and think that way.

But somehow, I’m thankful to him. If not he, I wouldn’t know I have so much feelings inside me. Now, that I said it another thought crossed my mind. Maybe it’s not completely his fault I’m hurt. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m weird because I get upset over small things and I cry easily, in an instant I get emotional for no reason. Is it like that?
 

Jongin’s POV

‘So how is everything going?’ Tao asked me after we drank another cup.

‘Pretty well. I did as you said.’

‘What do you mean?’ Luhan as always is interested in my love life. After all, he is the hyung that scolds me the most that I should treat girls better.

‘I mean contract,’ they all have questioning expressions so I continued with explanations. ‘Marriage contract.’

‘WHAT?!’ they said in unison. ‘What marriage contract?’ Tao seemed surprised.

‘Why are you like this, Tao? Isn’t you who gave me that idea?’

‘What are you talking about? I have never said anything about any contract.’

‘No? Then what about use her as much as you can and divorce, aren’t those your words?’

‘Woah, since when you listen to me so well?’ he smiled and I punched his arm. I was mad at myself that I listened to him and now he can and is bragging about it. Aish! ‘Anyway, as you can see I didn’t mention agreements.’

‘So what this whole contract is about?’ asked Sehun, walking out of bathroom.

‘First, I consulted it with Kyungsoo and he wrote it, so everything is in accordance with the law. I will provide her a good life, giving her whatever she wants and she will give her best to be impeccable wife in front of my investors, parents, company and others. No feelings involved, just pure business. And we will divorce after a year.’ I looked at their faces and they were all judging me. I could see that. And then they started to sway their heads from right to left. I was surprised at their synchronization.

‘You really humiliated her,’ Tao smirked evilly.

‘Yah, weren’t you the one…’

‘I told you I wasn’t,’ he interrupted me. ‘I told you to use her and leave her afterwards, not let her know about everything.’

‘But isn’t it better that she knows?’

‘Well, Kai has got some good point here,’ Lay supported me.

‘I don’t think so. Why making her feel bad from the start? She will now have to live for a year knowing she is used. If he didn’t do that, they would live normally as now, and when Kai decides everything is settled with his company, he would divorce her. She does all those things he put in this ridiculous contract anyway, and that way she wouldn’t be hurt and feel used. ’

‘Tao is right,’ Kris finally spoke.

‘This is what I meant from the beginning, Kai. I don’t know how you came up with this stupid idea,’ he seemed to be proud of himself. ‘I guess you still don’t know much about women, although you slept with so many,’ that Kung Fu Panda was openly laughing at me. ‘You are hopeless.’

‘How she took it?’ Kris filled our cups and we drank it.

I thought about what they said once again and felt ashamed while saying ‘Um… she… left…’

‘How is it that hurting people comes so easy to you,’ Luhan seemed to be frustrated.

‘It’s not my fault. I don’t do it intentionally! It just turns out that way! And who is she for me to care about her feelings?’

‘But you should at least respect her and treat her good.’ I never said it out loud but deep in my heart I knew Luhan is right. I knew I shouldn’t be such an but I couldn’t help it. When I saw her, when I thought that we are bounded I got irritated. I felt like being in the cage. Locked. With the person I don’t even like or know. For the rest of my life. But Luhan is right and I know it. I shouldn't put all my anger on her because it is not her fault.

‘Just apologize to her,’ Luhan put his hand on my shoulder. I don’t know if he was doing that to make a bigger impact on me or was just supporting himself. We drank a lot. I nodded my head or at least I think I did and tried to put my shoes properly.

***

Your POV

Someone once said that a new day is a new beginning. So I decided this day will marks as a start of different me. I wanted to find my new self. Be somebody else. Be stronger. Be immune. Be immune to harm, pain, physical and psychical abuse, sweet words, gentle smile, nice gestures, handsome face, him and his ridiculously attractive self.  Just to be immune to him. This is all I want. But is going back to emotionless puppet a good idea? Will it be good for me? Will it even work? I could give it a try. What is there to lose? Jongin does not love me. He wants to divorce. And no matter how hard I try and act nice, he still doesn’t care and take me for nothing. So there is nothing I can lose. But I can gain not shattered heart. I will try when he tries. I will act like he acts. I will do what he does. I will put a performance when he will. No more breakfasts. No more dinners. No more sitting at home.

It indeed was hard at first. I avoided him as much as I could, pretending to be asleep or just walking out. It was a huge convenience that he never walked pass my door and walked in my room. Somehow, even if it were only two of us in house and he could just force his way through my door, I felt safe in my room.

Few days passed and I stared to lead a life of a busy person. I didn’t have many ideas what I could do to stay occupied and at the same time, not be much at home and see Jongin. So I just registered for some new courses to enrich my CV. And it was working pretty well.

***

He acts like doesn’t care but really nothing could escape his attention.

‘Where are you going?’

I stopped halfway and turned my head towards him. Friday evening. He was sitting on the couch with a drink in his hand. He wasn’t drunk. Yet.

‘I’m going out,’ I replied.

‘I noticed that. I’m asking w-h-e-r-e are you going?’

I took a deep breath before saying what was in my head, hoping my voice won’t crack and stay firm and calm.

‘And I replied. Out.’

The light in the room was dim but I could notice I got him a bit mad.

‘Don’t play with me. You are not going anywhere.’

Smirk formed on my lips to his words  and completely ignoring him I put on my shoes and jacket. I noticed he got up and was coming at me.

‘I said you are not going.’

This situation started to get on my nerves. I was afraid he will force me from going and I wanted to go so badly, wanted to be away from him. Why he had to speak up to me? Why he couldn’t just let me leave pretending he doesn’t notice and doesn’t care what I do and where I am? Why today? Why now? When I’m supposed to meet with Luhan.

‘You can’t order me!’ I said angrily.

I surprised him. He didn’t expect me to yell or get mad. He didn’t say a word for a second but his expression changed fast. He smashed his hand on the wall.

‘I can! I’m your husband! And you are staying home!’

I felt his tight grip on my wrist. My insides cramped. Oh no. I knew this feeling. Fear. I started to yank. I wanted to pull my hand out of his so badly. To be free.

‘You are not my real husband! And I have no intentions to listen to you!’ I yelled back and suddenly the grip loosened.

I looked at his face. It was something new. Something I haven’t seen before on his face and I could not interpret it. I didn’t think much and caught my chance. I turned around and walked out as fast as I could, leaving Jongin behind dumbfounded.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

How should I put this... I'm so sorry guise T.T
I don't know what was in my head for these past months but the truth is... I totally forgot about writing this story... OTL
I really am sorry.
And for having such a loooong break I know I should give you something better than this chapter. It . I know. But as soon as I remembered about having a fanfic and after reading all the comments, I wanted to quickly write something to show you that this is not the end, I am still alive and I am going to go all the way with this story.
I can't express my gratefulness for all the nice words and comments <3 You are amazing! Thank you~! And sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry~ T.T