Re:love
Suho/Oc
PG | Angst, Romance, Drama | 2.1k 
I wish I love you more. It’d make life a lot easier.
Warnings: au!suho

 

 

Alli’s hand grows tired of pressing the phone against her ear. Suho is venting out his worries of his high school friend, Mae and her problems. Mae’s problems are his problems and his problems are her problems.

“When I asked her if she was sure of it, she told me: ‘Suho, people make mistakes and they learn from them. It’s nothing.’ How can I not worry?” He sighs on the other line. Mae’s been with Suho for years and this push-and-pull thing they have is timeless. He probably doesn’t even notice how his eyes would follow Mae’s every moment, even when she tells him, ‘not to worry.’

Alli drowns out Suho’s next words, not on purpose, but because her heart is breaking. The only things she can hold onto are her doubts and hopes.

“Alli?”

Her name pulls her out of her thoughts and she speaks, “Yes?”

"Sorry, I must be boring you,” He apologizes and chuckles nervously.

“You are boring me but I’m your girlfriend so I have to put up with you,” she smiles and she can almost visualize him sighing in relief. “It’s getting late, Suho. Don’t fret over it too much and let her be. It can’t be too bad.” She advises and places too much hope on her words.

“I got it. Thanks for listening to me. Goodnight. I love you.” He blows her a kiss and her smile grows bigger.

“Goodnight.”

Alli turns off the phone and stares at it. It’s been a year since she started going out with Suho and there’s always this void in everything they do. Even if it’s talking on the phone or taking a walk together, this void is always there. She thinks it’s a void of happiness, they’re not entirely happy with each other – or rather, he’s not entirely happy with her. So she agrees to let him live in his own little world that only has himself and Mae, it’s closest he can be to happiness and it’s the most happiness she can ever give him.

 

 

Mae tells Alli her news over the phone. After a second or two of letting Mae’s words sink in, she finds the ability to speak.

“So you agreed?” She sounds like she’s accusing her but it’s not accusation, it’s surprise and shock, and the sound of her heart screaming for the future.

“Yes,” Mae says, her voice escalates with excitement, “Suho has this prejudice against him, so I told you first. How do you think I should tell him?”

Alli cannot believe that Mae’s asking her how to tell Suho that she’s getting married to her jerk of a boyfriend. How does she expect him to be happy for her when the last thing he wants is for her to be with her boyfriend of a monster? Her boyfriend’s the one that repeatedly told Alli that she’s the one for him after he had just left the girl he was kissing an hour ago. That was a year ago after Mae dumped that jerk. At that time, Alli didn’t have a boyfriend because she let Mae borrow Suho so he could comfort her and reassure her that her choice was the right one.

Half a year later, after the break-up, the guy came crawling back, begging for forgiveness and for reconciliation. Mae accepted his apology because in the end, she still loves him. Alli doesn’t want to help Mae tell Suho that she is getting married to him.

“I can’t help you Mae. You know how –” She pauses; what’s the right word, protective? In love? “concern he is over you, he’s going to blow up.” Concern is a big understatement.

“I guess it can’t be helped then,” Mae sighs, “Also, can you be the bridesmaid? Suho will be the best man. You two will look so cute together,” Mae’s voice rises with anticipation for them. She sounds so happy and so expectant of her saying, ‘yes,’ as if everything will go her way – it probably will.

“You don’t even have to ask.”

Even if things don’t go Mae’s way, Suho will make sure it does. The least she can do is lessen his work.

 

 

Alli counts and it’s seven days until Suho knocks on her door. She smells the alcohol before she sees his drunken state.

“Alli?” For some reason, he sounds surprised that she’s the one that opens the door, like he was expecting someone else.

“Yes, it’s me,” She replies and he smiles a sad one.

“Sorry, wrong house.” He apologies and turns his back on her to leave. She considers letting him go and forget that this ever happened but what good would it do? How will it solve anything if she acts like nothing’s wrong?

“You’ve been drinking.” It’s not really a question or an accusation, just a statement, one of her feeble attempts to stop him. It serves its purpose and Suho stops in his track.

"Sorry Alli.” He repeats this over and over again until he’s a blubbering mess of regrets and salty tears. Alli, weakened by everything, walks over to Suho and wraps her arms around his torso. She presses her cheek against his back and closes her eyes.

“It’s okay, Suho. I know, you don’t have to apologize.”

She tries to hold in her tears as she says this.

 

 

Alli lies in bed that night with Suho in the living room, the questions keeping her up at odd hours. She was comparing and pondering. Who does Suho love more? How much does he love Mae more than Alli? The most obvious, clichéd question is, “What does Mae have that Alli doesn’t?” Oh right, it’s history. In love, timing is everything. Alli just wasn’t ‘on time.’ If Suho had met Mae later than Alli, would he love Alli as much as he loves Mae?

The most important question is: Why is Alli still holding on? Just like how clear Suho’s love is for Mae, it’s just as obvious as her answer to the question.

The reason why she holds on, turns a blind eye to this problem is simply because…

She loves Suho.

 

 

The next morning, a sober Suho is cooking her breakfast; fried eggs and strips of bacon. He smiles at her and she returns the smile.

“Feeling better?” she asks him and he nods.

“A little, thanks for last night,” he pauses, “I really needed that.”

“It’s no problem.” She hesitates, “Suho, I’m not going to be Mae’s bridesmaid. Let’s break up.”

Suho’s hold on the pan wavers and he flinches for a split second. He doesn’t ask why but stands there, looking at Alli.

“Sorry,” he says and she realizes why he repeated that over and over again. He’s not going to stop her, that’s why he’s sorry.

“Just like last night, I’m telling you again. You don’t have to apologize,” Alli walks to stand beside him and starts brewing her morning coffee.

Suho holds onto her hand, grasping it. “I do love you. Don’t ever doubt it.”

“But do you love me more than Mae? That’s the question,” Alli asks a question but not really expecting an answer. She knows the answer.

He stays quiet, his eyes avoiding hers. He’s given his answer and now, Alli has to accept.

“I’m not mad at you, I just wish I could have made you love me more,” Alli says. That’s what she’s been doing for the past year. While he was showing Mae that he loves her, he deserves her, she’s been convincing him that she’s the one for him, that she loves Suho more than Mae ever could.

“I wish I love you more too. It’d make life a lot easier,” Suho says, “Oh, the eggs are ready.”

They sit together at the table like it was any regular day. After a while of their forks scratching against the plates, Alli breaks the silence.

“What are you going to do now that she’s getting married to him?”

“Punch the guy,” Suho answers within a heartbeat. Alli snaps her head up to look at him in surprise. It isn’t like Suho to use violence to solve problems.

“I’m just joking,” Suho laughs, but there’s sadness polluting it, “I can’t do anything to stop it. I’ll be the best man and wish her happiness.” He’s been doing it for years now, it shouldn’t be a problem.

“Good, it isn’t worth going to jail for,” she jokes. She looks at Suho again and he’s staring right at her. His eyes are strong and he’s deep in thought.

“What?” she asks and he softens his eyes.

“I’m hoping.”

“Hoping for what?”

“For you to find a guy a thousand times better than me, a guy who could love you so much more than I do.”

“I hope so too. It’d make my life easier.” Alli watches as Suho’s eyes turn into crescents as laughter leaves his lips.

“They say women’s tolerance is higher than men’s. It’s true,” Suho remarks.

“Thanks.”  

When breakfast is done and he’s washing the dishes, Alli leans on the countertop, staring at him. So this is a break-up. They usually end in tears and heartaches but for some reason, other than heartaches, she feels like a weight’s been lifted off her shoulders. She thinks she could fly.

Suho’s done washing the dishes and slips into his coat. Alli watches him go and finally it dawns on her. This is it. Suho will never stay over again. He’ll never eat breakfast here again.

“By the way, tell Mae that I’m coming to her wedding. Just say that we broke up so I don’t want to be the bridesmaid because it’d be awkward.”

Suho nods, “I got it.” He lingers in her house longer than necessary. They’re both experiencing the same heartache. They don’t want to go but it’s only right that they do. She deserves someone better and he needs to figure out his feelings.

“Last kiss?” she suggests and he smiles warmly.

They kiss for longer than necessary and Suho walks out of her life.

Alli counts to five until she crumbles to the floor, holding her face while the tears spill out. She still loves him, she never wanted a break-up but she can’t settle for ‘second best,’ that’s torture for both of them.

 

           

Life goes on after a break-up. Alli manages to laugh and crack jokes like the usual, as if nothing happened. There isn’t contact between the two for understandable reasons. Until a month later, a text message arrives.

 

We’re taking wedding pictures and I didn’t punch the guy.

 

Alli smiles and quickly replies: I’m proud.

 

It’s a short answer but it’s all she can manage because she’s elated to hear from him. She doesn’t know how many times she considered reaching out to him but her pride took over and eventually won over the impulse. She still loves him after all.

 

           

The day Alli attends the wedding, everyone is happy and Mae looks gorgeous in her wedding dress. The groom is unharmed and Suho can’t stop smiling for Mae’s happiness. Alli’s knees weakened at the sight of Suho and he hides a small blush.

“I’m getting transferred at work.” Suho says out of the blue as they dance together, with his hand on her back and the other one, holding tightly onto her hand.

“I see. A new start?” She infers and he nods.

“I don’t think I can forget Mae or you at this rate so I’m going to leave for a while,” Suho explains.

“Good for you.” It’s the appropriate thing to say at this moment, even if it’s not what she really want to say.

“You should do the same.”

“Noted.”

The dance ends to their dismay and they’re parting ways again. Before she has the chance to slip out of his arms, he leans down to whisper in her ears, “You look beautiful today.”

She smiles, “Thank you.”

It’s a second goodbye but this time she doesn’t cry. She doesn’t take his advice either and life moves on.

Mae and her husband go on their honeymoon and Suho eventually starts packing his belongings to prepare for the transfer. Alli learns of the date through mutual friends and ultimately contemplates against sending him off at the airport. She can’t move on like this.

So she sends him a text: Have a safe trip.

A reply is instant: Thank you.

She clutches her phone close to her heart as it’s the only way to keep him with her. She should start moving on by meeting new people but now isn’t the right time. It’s not going to be the ‘right time’ for a while but she knows that one day, that day will come, just not today. The only thing she’s certain about is that she loves Suho.

 

 

 

I’m not going to be Allison in my next life.

And you will not be Suho.

Maybe we’ll meet in the streets and our shoulders will touch.

I know that without a doubt, even in that life, I’ll still fall in love with you. 

 

Le Fin.