Numb
The Reversal [ONESHOT]*Please look at the next chapter for some notes :)
It was eerily quiet.
The dock was deserted around this time. No other bystanders, no fishermen selling their fresh catch, and no ahjummas selling food.
Just silence.
Just me.
But in a way it wasn't. The biting wind decided to accompany me, enveloping me in hugs, bringing with it sounds of everyday life; the quiet rustling of leaves, the metal swings clanking, and the chimes that signal customers going in the stores nearby.
I reveled in the irony.
Just a few hours ago, it was people who are causing this sounds and more. There were people laughing in this place, people working or playing around, people waiting for their dates to fulfill the promised walk on the beach, or people just like me, waiting for god knows what.
But every sound I hear or movement I see now is just caused by the wind, by unseen nothingness.
It took another round of the wind hugging me from all directions to get me moving. I unconsciously tugged my scarf tighter around my neck despite me not feeling anything at all. I was too numb.
You can't hurt someone who's not really there.
I found myself near the corner of the wood railings. They were thick enough for me to sit on and I instinctively clutched the pen and notebook I forgot I was holding as I hopped on.
I really could care less about being comfortable, especially as the wind seemed to be hitting me stronger than ever, as if forcing me to go back to where I was before.
But I was in too deep.
One step into this dock and all hesitations are gone. The one place where I felt the most happy and free before, now made me weak.
"I knew you'd be here." I couldn't stop the laughter that came from hearing that voice. But even to me, it seemed fake--broken.
"Did Jiyong sent you?" I asked, humoring myself and not turning around. I was too afraid to see.
"No. I just had a..feeling...so I came looking for you." I just simply nodded. Too busy swallowing the tears that keep threatening to spill.
"What are you doing here anyway?" she asked.
And all I could do was sigh. I looked over the black horizon, to the sea I could barely make out. The only sources of light coming from the moon and the two or three lamp posts around the area.
"Waiting for the sunrise I guess."
"Why?"
It took me a while to answer her since I didn't know half of what I was doing until she asked.
"I--", my voice breaks as realization finally sinks in, "I want to see the sunrise because...because I need to see that things aren't over...I need to see that there's going to be a new day to erase what I'm feeling right now....I need something concrete..something real."
And for a while, it did feel real when I suddenly felt her hugging me. It felt real when she touched my face, when she wiped the hot tears that are now violently pouring from my eyes. It felt so real that I began to forget how numb I was. It felt so real I believed her when she said she was sorry things didn't work out. That she would stay by my side forever.
But you can't feel someone who stopped being there.
It didn't matter. It felt real so I believed.
We stayed there for hours waiting for the sunrise. She was busy retelling our stories in the dock together; looking at the freshly caught fishes, eating, playing at the swings, going in the shops, walking on the beach holding hands, waiting for forever.. And I busied myself by writing in my notebook; my thank you's, tiny random notes, i love you's, and apologies.
It took a while but sunrise finally came. First with tiny dashes of purple, then orange, then blue. It was magnificent but it burned.
And slowly but surely, things started becoming less real. Her delicate touches were slowly vanishing, her voice becomes quieter, until finally she is gone. And I was left there, raw and burning from the bright sun.
Whatever she has set up to accomplish, she was successful. And I failed. The dock was now slowly coming back to life. And whatever I had set out to do was pushed back for another day. Because no matter what, the numbness keeps coming back. And I can't keep pretending I was really here anymore.
I was there around the same time the next day. And like clockwork, she was there too, waiting for me. We didn't do anything this time around. My letters from yesterday are now placed on top of my desk back home.
We basically just sat there, basking in silence until sunrise came nearer. And I feel like she sensed it too. She took hold of my hand, her silent plea for me to stop.
"Dara, I'm tired." I said, now finally looking at her. Her pale skin looks so smooth even in the dark, and her eyes shone brightly, probaby more than the moon, her pink lips are trembling but no sound comes out.
Just silence.
And for the last time, I listened to the wind foolishly mimicking life. For the last time, I closed my eyes to find darkness. And for the first time in a while, we're together forever.
the end
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