I stared at the necklace being presented in front of me. The small pink heart dazzled in the light of the food court. Even though the setting wasn't very romantic, it didn't seem inappropriate for the situation.

 

I looked up into his deep brown eyes which were barely visible because of his shy smile. I could tell he was nervous but could he tell how I felt at the moment? Thoughts were racing through my head and they blocked my mind from forming a comprehensible answer.

 

He asked me to be his girlfriend.

 

Again.

 

I looked down on the table where the necklace sat in its navy blue velvet box and I was reminded of graduation day, the day I thought I would have to say goodbye to Kai forever.

 

-

 

We were finally going to be free from high school. The thought was daunting and exciting at the same time. Where would we go as adults? Where would we be in ten years?

 

It was a month after the Kai incident. A month since I've had a real conversation with him. We've only ever exchanged simple pleasantries since then which hurt the most. It was the reason I didn't want to be with him in the first place. I knew we were inevitably going to break up and end up in this phase of quiet.

 

But I couldn't let that put a damper on my mood. Everybody was decked out in their graduation gowns and caps, taking pictures with families and friends. I stood from my seat and found my mom at the side, wiping tears from her eyes.

 

We took a few pictures and greeted a few other families before I felt a pat on my shoulder. I turned and saw Kai smiling at my mother and I. His cap was off and his hair was tousled by the wind.

 

"Can I talk to you for a second?" he asked me after giving my mom a bow. This wasn't going to be good but a talk was long overdue.

 

I followed him to a spot where the crowd was more dispersed. Looking back, I could see a few eyes trained on us, wondering what we were doing. People assumed we were friends with benefits until the birthday party happened. I didn't bother correcting them.

 

"I'm really sorry," I blurted out after I couldn't take the silence anymore.

 

"What?"

 

I swallowed the lump in my throat and continued. I've been contemplating this for the past couple of weeks. "I'm sorry I didn't confess to you. I should've done so so we could have some sort of relationship earlier on. But I think I'm still at the childish stage of adolescence." I laughed a little. "I don't know what I want. I like being friends with you and I was afraid of scaring you off by confessing."

 

"Why would you scare me off?" Kai tilted my chin up so I was forced to look right at him.

 

"I was scared you were just joking around with your flirting. I didn't want to be like all the other girls who have fallen into...your trap."

 

Kai looked amused. "So you weren't so blind to my flirting," he asked.

 

I slowly shook my head. "I just thought I was overthinking things in my favour."

 

"Is it too late to start again?" Kai asked tentatively. I had a feeling he knew the answer.

 

This time, I nodded and backed away. I cleared my throat, trying not to cry. "We're going our separate ways. I don't think either of us could ever hold up a long-distance relationship, especially with the new people we'll meet."

 

"Haha, are you saying neither of us are faithful?"

 

I shrugged. "Maybe. But please, Kai." I took his hand in both of mine. "Please promise me that you'll find a great girlfriend, one that isn't as indecisive as me. You deserve one."

 

"Ouch, Yejin." Kai put his other hand to his heart. "That's not something a person wants to hear from his crush." He smiled.

 

At that moment, I couldn't take it. I was on the verge of tears. I dropped his hand and stepped forward, wrapping my arm around him tightly.

 

"Goodbye, Kai," I whispered. He responded by holding me just as tightly.

 

We didn't see each other for years after that, just like I had predicted. Looking back, I almost laugh at how dramatic we made everything seem but we were young teenagers who liked each other too much for our own good.

 

I did try to get over him. I dated around and, when I was particularly lonely at home, even let my friends set me up. But I never did forget Kai, despite what I thought when I was young. I don't think events like those could ever be forgotten.

 

Those memories all came rushing back when I visited home one summer. Jonghee invited me over to their house and for the first time in four years, I saw Kai again. He just happened to visit home at the same time as me. I didn't know if I was allowed to squeal like a little girl but I did it anyway when I ran up to him for a hug.

 

We were just friends, right? And friends did that.

 

He also brought his own friend over. Baekhyun. The three of us went out together often, Kai and I reminiscing and Baekhyun exploring our little city. We avoided the cafes though, where too much happened years before. Baekhyun and I clicked quickly and the three of us were good friends by the end of the first month.

 

But today, the two boys were acting strange.

 

Baekhyun was too quiet and Kai, who was always quiet, looked too tense. I was used to his laid back posture and lazy stance but today, he was running his hand through his hair way too often and sighing way too much. Maybe it was just one of those days. Maybe they got into some argument. People change.

 

We were sitting in the food court when things got weirder. I had ordered my food and was waiting at my seat while Baekhyun kept fidgeting. He looked sick to his stomach and said he didn't feel like eating. He kept glancing over at Kai who was idly playing with his watch.

 

Neither of them spoke until Baekhyun nudged Kai in the ribs. I don't think I was supposed to see that but it didn't matter because Kai stood up.

 

"I'll go look around and find something to order," he said to no one in particular. He stuffed his hands in his pockets, walking away in the way that only Kai could. He looked like a ghost floating around with not a care in the world.

 

I turned my attention back to Baekhyun who looked like he was about to face his own ghost. I put a hand on his sleeve to calm him but instead he jumped. "Hey, what's up?" I asked quietly.

 

"N-nothing's up." His tone wasn't very convincing.

 

I nodded, taking his answer anyway and tried to distract him. "You're going back to your university after the summer right?"

 

"No, I'm going to start working," he said without making eye contact.

 

"Oh, really?"

 

"Yeah, I got hired recently."

 

I my lips when I realized he wasn't going to say much more. It was awkward because he was usually pretty talkative and didn't mind speaking about himself.

 

When the silence was overbearing, I stood up. "I should go check if my food is ready." Maybe then Kai would be back and it wouldn't be so awkward.

 

Even though I waited for my order for another five minutes, it still wasn't ready yet so I marched back to my seat.

 

"Hmm, I wonder what's taking Kai so long. Usually he orders the same thing..." I wondered out loud. I guess his taste changed and he didn't like the spaghetti that was served here anymore.

 

Baekhyun let out a loud sigh which surprised me. "I have something to say."

 

"Yes?" I prompted him quietly. I suddenly noticed the navy blue box that Baekhyun was turning around and around in his hand and my defenses went up.

 

"Yejin, I think you're a very pretty girl and I've thought so since the very beginning. Throughout this month, I've grown to like you a lot so..." Baekhyun fumbled with opening the box. "Will you please be my girlfriend?"

 

I stared down at the necklace and then up at his smile. He looked relieved and tense at the same time. Relieved that he got his part over with but now he had to wait for my answer.

 

I wanted to say accept his confession this time. When we first met, he had asked me to be his girlfriend but I rejected him and told him I needed to spend more time with him. And we did, but we always had Kai with us. I suddenly felt sick to my stomach, too. I felt like I had led Baekhyun on just like Kai had done to me years ago. But Baekhyun was much braver than I.

 

I couldn't give him the answer he wanted. I couldn't say yes to him because after spending all time with Kai again, all those feelings of having a crush came back. They were too overwhelming and wouldn't let me say yes.

 

"I-I'm sorry, Baekhyun," I nudged the necklace away and rose up to bow. "I'm really sorry but I don't like you that way."

 

When I stood up straight again, the look in his eyes made my feet turn and run. I was a coward but my instincts took over. It was fight or flight and I couldn't deal with Baekhyun at that moment.

 

My instincts made my feet run across the mall towards the coffee shop where, four years ago, Kai and I had our indirect kiss by sharing an iced coffee. I couldn't believe how long it'd been and wondered if that waitress still worked there.

 

I didn't know if my imagination was playing tricks on me but I spotted Kai leaning against the door at the entrance of the mall, sipping his drink. He was right outside the coffee shop, as if he had been waiting for me. But he couldn't have because he didn't notice me until I had launched into a full sprint, heading straight for him.

 

The few patrons in the mall turned to look at me, wondering why I looked like I belonged in a marathon. Kai seemed to understand though because even though there was a look of pain in his eyes, he set his drink on the ground and held out his arms.

 

I jumped and wrapped my arms around him as tight as I could. This time I didn't want to allow myself to let go. I sobbed, letting all that I've held in out. Why was I so dumb as a teenager? Why am I still so dumb now? Kai definitely deserved somebody smarter but I wanted to be his somebody.

 

I felt the tips of his fingers pressing into my sides and he held me closer and closer to him.

 

"You're just a little heart breaker, aren't you, Yejin?" Kai asked but I only sobbed harder.

 

---

 

 

can this even be considered an epilogue? idk, I didn't want a truly happy ending because of reasons. I didn't even want an ending ;A;